Every part of me hurts

[malvern99]

Well, he did say I should go in my office and work, of course its 11pm on a Friday night. I'm not working. I directly asked him about sex and he said no. He was not interested, he said he's 40 now and its all downhill. xmm was 46 and could not even get an erection, so I guess that is my future.

 

But I guess I've read enough of these threads for one night. I can go watch some bad movie. Hey, there is always more wine.

 

Best of luck to you... and like you said, there is always more wine and there is tomorrow.

[confusingme]

Hi confusing me. I am sorry you are in this situation. I've read your posts and one thing really stands out. I'm not sure you are in love with your BH at all. You seem to see his primary role as a wallet with legs, and let me tell you, that is no way for you to live. Life is too precious to go through it using others only for what they can give you. You are better than that.

 

Hi Malvern99, Thank you for your post.

I'd never been so frankly talking about my feelings for my husband if I wasn't on LS.org.

 

I honestly had wanted to leave him since problems seemed to be impossible to solved.

 

We've married for 5 years, and this is also how long I have been in this country. I could proudly say that I did my best of best to treat him as my husband, I loved him deeply, I took care of our kids all on my own, (he provided money), he had been always busy, he was a student for more than 3 years since I moved here, he never changed kids diapers, never cooked, never washed dishes, laundries, nothing inside of the house. I am not exaggerating. I thought when he finished his school, he'd help me more.

 

Just keep in mind that I had never been in this country, and I had two kids to raise in a completely strange country. I'd say he has been pretty selfish in life.

 

Now kids are bigger, they don't need 24 hr attention / day. I have more time to think about my own needs and I realized I didn't get enough from my husband. And then arguments started.

 

From his perspective, it is me not been appreciated since our life has been getting better.

 

Sometimes I feel like our marriage has come to an dead end, it's fine on the surface. But only when I don't think deeply. It's like in this marriage, I don't see a place where I can go to seek for my needs.

[lftbehind]

Well, he did say I should go in my office and work, of course its 11pm on a Friday night. I'm not working. I directly asked him about sex and he said no. He was not interested, he said he's 40 now and its all downhill. xmm was 46 and could not even get an erection, so I guess that is my future.

 

But I guess I've read enough of these threads for one night. I can go watch some bad movie. Hey, there is always more wine.

 

Don't mean to t/j, but if you and H aren't having sex that must make it hard to connect with him again after the A. I'm having the same problem with my H and I miss the sex. It's hard to think about living this way forever and it depresses me. I don't think age is always an issue, some of my best lovers have been in their 50's.

[Cyra]

Today on the phone, he told me he could only give me three hours a week, he asked me if I still want this ? He said I could not ask for more, I couldn't ask for 40 hours, 60 hours a week.

 

I really do feel your pain, I relate to many aspects of your story.

 

But this, what he said?? That is ridiculous!!! He basically told you, here is a couple of crumbs I can throw at you, dont dare ask for more, will you accept it?

 

Please do yourself a favor and send him where he belongs. Let him feed crumbs to someone else!!!

[confusingme]

I really do feel your pain, I relate to many aspects of your story.

 

But this, what he said?? That is ridiculous!!! He basically told you, here is a couple of crumbs I can throw at you, dont dare ask for more, will you accept it?

 

Please do yourself a favor and send him where he belongs. Let him feed crumbs to someone else!!!

 

Hi Cyra, thank you for your post.

I know...when he told me this on the phone, my heart was like breaking into pieces...(I don't have better words to describe, I'm not a native English speaker.)

And when I responded "yes I still do, I just want to know that you are in my life" I hated myself so much.

I told him I'm really messed up now, cannot move on.

He said"You were fine without me before"

I said "Yes, but you took my heart"

Then he told me about the 3 hours week stuff...

 

I know, I know how low self-esteem it is.

 

That's why I'm staying here on LS, hoping I can move on eventually, even though it will take a long time, even though I might step back...

[Cyra]

Hi Cyra, thank you for your post.

I know...when he told me this on the phone, my heart was like breaking into pieces...(I don't have better words to describe, I'm not a native English speaker.)

And when I responded "yes I still do, I just want to know that you are in my life" I hated myself so much.

I told him I'm really messed up now, cannot move on.

He said"You were fine without me before"

I said "Yes, but you took my heart"

Then he told me about the 3 hours week stuff...

 

I know, I know how low self-esteem it is.

 

I totally relate to that. At one time about a year ago, after xMM broke things off and then crawled back couple of days later, he told me 'we can continue but I will never leave my family'. And even though every part of me revolted, I still accepted his terms. At the time, the crumbs were better than nothing. I hated myself for it and as time went on I hated myself more and I resented him until I finally told him that those circumstances were unacceptable and he would either be with me or not at all. So started a long period of push/pull with the known ending.

 

You maybe think now when you are as low as it gets, that 3 hours is better than nothing. But when you get those 3 hours, you will feel so bad, you will resent him and yourself and you will want more, and so the process repeats.

 

He is offering you some ridiculous crumbs out of charity. Do you really want something someone is giving to you out of 1.pity 2. his own selfish reasons because it boosts his ego sky high knowing that you are so dependent on him. Believe me it is not going to make you feel better. Say no to crumbs and leave with dignity. If he truly cared about you, he would never humiliate you by such a pathetic proposal. Leave him to the life that he chose for himself, I assure you he will not be happy because if he truly believed in it, he would not be offering you 3 hours or nothing.

 

I relate to you being a foreigner in your country, so am I. I got accused by his family of being a gold digger, and of wanting him for citizenship. Both accusations are completely ridiculous but that is how low people fall when trying to put the blame on someone.

 

I also can understand the situation with your husband. You feel like you couldnt make it without him, his financial support etc. But I assure you, you could. No matter what life throws at you, you will be ok. You can make it on your own and when you do, you will feel so proud of yourself and so free, that you will never let yourself depend on anyone else again, emotionally, financially or otherwise.

 

Please take no offence, but from what you wrote, your husband sounds awful. He is not there for you, he knows you are depressed and he says it is OK TO MEDICATE but wont go to counselling with you?! Yet he expects you to be a good little housewife and treat him like the sun shines out of his a$$! What an ego maniac. You dont need either of these men. They are both toxic to you, instead of helping you grow they are making you feel bad about yourself.

Edited October 22, 2016 by Cyra

[kiyoma]

I type this with my husband in the other room with a drink, watching some loud action movie, like most husbands are doing all over the world. He is not really interested in sex as he is tired even though I am sitting in lingerie and took a bath.

 

TV eh? Damn! Same problem here sister

 

Now I can see why you told how our day to day lives are similar

[Jersey born raised]

It sounds like your husband has some level of autism. If so you both might find some coping mech but it must likely not be what you need.

 

Best example of coping mech I can think of is oral health (brushing, flossing, regular cleanings) is what you can expect from your husband in response to your needs. Wife's behavior indicates a need compliments, review list of compliments, pick one, respond. Wife happy, happy wife - happy life. Is this good enough for you? Knowing his response is one without emotionally understanding?

[MidnightBlue1980]

It sounds like your husband has some level of autism. If so you both might find some coping mech but it must likely not be what you need.

 

Best example of coping mech I can think of is oral health (brushing, flossing, regular cleanings) is what you can expect from your husband in response to your needs. Wife's behavior indicates a need compliments, review list of compliments, pick one, respond. Wife happy, happy wife - happy life. Is this good enough for you? Knowing his response is one without emotionally understanding?

 

Do you mean me? He is not definitely not autistic. Not sure what you mean by oral health.

 

But everything was fine the rest of the weekend. I guess he was just tired Friday night.

[SweetiePi]

That part you wrote is positive in a way. If it is the case you need someone to listen and care, then it is fixable. My guess would be that you might not have many close friendships with other women. These close friendships can fill that void when you allow these friendships to develop.

 

 

 

 

I want to continue the affair, not because of sex or even closeness, it's because I felt the OM was listening to me when I said stuff, no matter what I said, he always responded in a way that I liked. We both felt related. I know it cannot be called love, but I felt at least someone is listening to me. That made my life going..

[confusingme]

I'm just totally a hot mess !!! I don't even know if I should post this. LS is just filled with helpful people that's all I can say and hopefully some of you can give me some external views and help me to give myself peace of mind.

 

For those who don't know my story, just a brief statement: I had a short 2 month affair and it was found out so he went back to his family and I've been grieving and trying to move on. Blah blah blah...Similar situation with many of us on LS.

 

So this OM is supposed to call me in 2 weeks and we will figure out stuff...sort of...

 

I'm moving on each day, sometimes okay, sometimes miserable.But I believed that time will help.

 

Now, I don't know what the heck was happening and there was one guy on my contact list whom I got to know 1 year ago (last august) from a studying group from my school. A little bit complicated here but he is not from my school, but he joined my studying group that day and we had exchanged each other's (and all the other students') phone numbers but we never talked during this one year. He is single, 3 years younger than me.

 

So all a sudden from nowhere, yesterday he sent me a text asking me how am I doing.

Although it took a couple second for me to recall who he was. (He's from another country, doing his studying in the states,) his unique name made me remembered him quite quickly.

So we started talking a bit more.

We only met once at my school last August. And that was it.

He didn't know I was married.

So he asked if we could meet ?

I told him "no I'm married"

He sent me a sad face.

I honestly didn't want to get into more mess so I stopped texting him, thinking he is looking for a girlfriend.

But very soon he texted me again "Happily married ?"

 

And I was like "What the heck is this?" Why he contacted me after 1 year, after I'm in a hot mess with my OM. And more crazily: when I need some kind of distraction to move on...!!

 

I have read that it is bad to jump into another relationship when you are trying to get over the old one. I believe it.

 

So I told myself that no he is not the solution, he is not the distraction, don't hurt him, don't make yourself more messy.

 

But it almost feels like he's been reading my post here on LS and knowing everything... He just wouldn't stop chasing me.

 

He was basically asking me for a date and I denied.

Then he assumed that my marriage wasn't happy, I don't know where he got this idea.

I was telling him to look for a single girl to settle down., I'm married, with kids...etc...

Until finally he told me "But I like you!"

He told me he liked me when we first met, but he just moved here from his country and he was busy adapting...He said he'd been thinking of me from time to time.

 

Well...

I was literally speechless.

 

I stopped talking to him. But he sent me messages once an hour.

 

Eventually, I had to tell him about my affair, I told him that I still think about my OM and I just can't do anything with anybody right now.

 

We talked almost all day today.

Below are some of his messages, they are so sweet and honestly, it distracted me from grieving...And I love his messages.

He is single, he can give me max time, I don't need to worry about if his wife would find out...I just don't see any bad things about him. (Well of course, I feel like I'm a b**h) I don't know how many people look for new A but it would just purely adds another stain on my soul if I did it...

 

"He will never come back. If he came back to his family, he will stay there. That's his choice. Even if he comes back again, is going to be for a short time and something provisional. And no it doesn't sound bad or cheating to your husband, I understand how your marriage has effected your choices, I completely understand it, really. Make it about me now, Meet me, Know me, Relax with me and be yourself with me. Be what you cannot be inside your marriage and family, 'Use' me as your break, and distraction, and I promise you that it will be beneficial and make you feel better, make your marriage less miserable, trust me, give me a chance and your will be satisfied."

 

I cried after reading his messages. I don't know why I cried.

 

I kept pushing him away, I stopped talking to him even though I really loved his message.

 

Then he sent me another message:

"Think again about what I told you before. Everything that I told you is to try to help you. And I am sure it will work. Trust me, and at least, try, you have nothing to lose for trying right?"

He also sent me a huge message about how the MM would not be there for me and how he would only choose his family no matter what...

 

So I told him to wait for me for 2 weeks until I can respond to this...

I told him it is crazy when we just started talking yesterday and now he's making me to decide if I want to have an affair with him.

 

I'm very very curious if he wants this from me because now he learned that I was cheating on my husband so I'm the "cheap" woman that he could get easily. ugh....I hate myself so much !!!

 

 

Any kind of comment is welcome and appreciated. I don't care.

I know all the comments will help me to clear my mind.

 

I really need to get myself out of this situation.

Please help !!!

[confusingme]

My mind says "No, get rid of everything and be focusing on yourself" "If a man truly likes you, he wouldn't make you risking your marriage, he will either help you solve your marriage problem or let you go."

My heart says "But my marriage is so miserable, every day is hard, and I feel like escaping." "He is not a perfect man, he likes you and wants to be with you. That's the emotion and it's passionate."

[ChickiePops]

You are officially a serial cheater. If you're this dependent on the other guys messages then already in an emotional affair with him.

 

Divorce and therapy.

[confusingme]

I hurt my back from working out in the gym yesterday. So last night I told husband about it. He said "Oh yeah?" with very low voice. I told him "I'm in pain, can you make me feel better?" He said "I don't like talking about the gym, you get to go to the gym, but I'm so busy I don't even have the time to get injured from working out."

 

This kind of dumb things in life just drives me crazy.

[JewelD]

He told you he liked you and you gave him your phone number. He probably waited a year to get in touch with you because he had other women in his life until now. Now he's bored and you'll do because apparently you're bored too and answering his texts after a year.

 

Don't be so naive. You keep responding to him so he knows you're easily manipulated and he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

 

If your marriage is so bad, then get a divorce.

[ChickiePops]

I hurt my back from working out in the gym yesterday. So last night I told husband about it. He said "Oh yeah?" with very low voice. I told him "I'm in pain, can you make me feel better?" He said "I don't like talking about the gym, you get to go to the gym, but I'm so busy I don't even have the time to get injured from working out."

 

This kind of dumb things in life just drives me crazy.

 

Your husband sounds like a whiny tool but that doesn't mean it's ok to cheat on him with multiple men.

[anika99]

The way the 2nd OM spoke and the things he said gave me the feeling that he has a history of sleeping with married women. He knows just what to say to make you swoon ie "I understand" "let me give you what you are missing".

 

I've met guys who love chasing married women because the MW fawn all over them while they have to do very little in return. Just give them compliments, empathy and sex. Then when they are done they can easily move onto the next one without the current one kicking up much fuss because she is married after all.

[aileD]

None of these men are good for you, they are just a subconscious distraction so you don't have to deal with the realities of what you k OW you need/want to do: Get a divorce.

 

Be an honest person. Honest with yourself. You don't want to be married to your H anymore. And that's ok. It happens. But own it. Face it.

 

Once you do that, I think your eyes will be opened to the glaring negatives of both OMs.

 

Healthy people don't get into situations like yours over and over

 

Own your stuff. Take charge of your life and stop with the distractions and excuses.

 

If you ever once had any love for your husband he deserves at least honest from his wife

 

Good luck to you

[LargoLagg]

This caught my eye:

Eventually, I had to tell him about my affair , I told him that I still think about my OM and I just can't do anything with anybody right now.

Why's that? Why did you have to tell him about that?

[Vivir]

confusingme, if I were you I would block the 2nd OM, as much as is practicable. Please stop responding to him - no explanation necessary. He went on what is called a fishing expedition with you, and you took the bait.

 

I get the impression that you and your BH are talking without communicating successfully. There seems to be A LOT of things left unsaid by both of you. There are quite a few studies out there (so says Google) that touch on the resentment that can grow from one spouse being the sole earner in modern times. Your BH took on this role and his resentment is obviously there, maybe because he didn't think it would affect him, maybe because he doesn't value your responsibilities for taking care of home.. which can make your resentment grow. You, too, maybe don't understand, or have compassion for, the added pressure/stress he feels... which can make his resentment grow. It can be very hard to empathize when we feel resentment for the one seeking our empathy.

 

I am single, so I will advise you to consider the advice of the other married people .... but only you know yourself and your husband and the dynamic between you two. You will have to work with yourself and with him to improve this situation. Effective communication is one of your only solutions to such a problem.

 

You have given the 1st OM a whole lot of power - your power. He is just not that special. He has proven that he doesn't care for you by way of the words you've shared that he has spoken. It will be difficult; this is to be expected because you have feelings for him (that he doesn't deserve). But you can save yourself from more harm by cutting contact with him immediately. He can only spare three hours. Don't accept. Another poster described how it would be and how you could be affected by agreeing to that: IT WILL BE HORRIBLE.

 

I wish I had more constructive advice for you. I wish I could take away your pain. If you actively work at diminishing this pain, by focusing on who really matters (you, your children, your BH), you will find that you have less time to focus on OM.

Edited October 24, 2016 by Vivir

[Miss Clavel]

do you actually love your husband? do you actually want him to touch you?

 

i can't tell.

 

if you want your husband, stop screwing around behind his back. he's gonna be so pissed if he finds out about not one but two OOOOM. and so are his friends, judging from what you've poasted about them already.

 

you're a guest in a foreign country, hopefully your husband doesn't smack you for embarrassing him by f'ing around or take the kids and leave you, you make him sound like he might. like he cares more about appearances than he does about you.

 

if you don't really want your husband, then my advice is easy. get up, get dressed and go on with your life. it sounds like you've got a good life, one i'd enjoy. you get a house, money, a family and status and you don't even have to screw the guy? hello? sounds like heaven to me.

 

a perfect situation to go about your life without him noticing. you get to live you life and someone else pays all the bills and they are almost never home.

 

if that's not enough for you because you have "needs" then take the time to start hiding money and the children's records. birth certificates, shot records and school records. find and hide all the papers you will need to start over, personally and professionally.

 

the poor man's way to get over depression is to get MOVING and not toward another OOM! start planing your exit. whether you do it before you go back to school or after.

 

if you take the time to go to school before you divorce you will have to placate your husband, slop some sugar on him and keep your head down till you get done. it's not like he'd notice. order more cable channels and netflix.

 

or, get your ducks in a row and go sooner.

 

MAKE a descions, no matter how hard. MAKE a choice.

 

can you live alone with your husband and use the time to get yourself in a better financial position or do you really need to have physical and emotional intimacy with someone so bad that you cheat on your husband, behind his back and risk his wrath?

 

decide.

 

while you are deciding don't bring anymore baggage into your life at this point, you've got enough to carry, plus, you are married.

 

i don't think you're gonna die if you don't have any intimacy, not anytime soon anyway, but you might find yourself living in a foreign hell, broke, without your kids if you keep on cheating.

 

good luck.

Edited October 24, 2016 by Miss Clavel

[Cyra]

"He will never come back. If he came back to his family, he will stay there. That's his choice. Even if he comes back again, is going to be for a short time and something provisional. And no it doesn't sound bad or cheating to your husband, I understand how your marriage has effected your choices, I completely understand it, really. Make it about me now, Meet me, Know me, Relax with me and be yourself with me. Be what you cannot be inside your marriage and family, 'Use' me as your break, and distraction, and I promise you that it will be beneficial and make you feel better, make your marriage less miserable, trust me, give me a chance and your will be satisfied."

 

I think it is not a good idea to start something with this guy.

 

Mainly for reasons that concern YOU. You see this guy as a substitute for your xMM. You had all these unfulfilled needs that you were looking for the xMM to fulfill (attention, intimacy, love...) and he hasnt and left you brokenhearted, and now this guy surfaced and he is offering all that to you so naturally you feel like projecting all those unfulfilled needs onto him now. It really is not the way to go, because sooner or later he will not meet your needs anymore and then you will be where you are now, multiplied. The best thing to do is cut them all off and concentrate and try to find out what it is that you look for in these men, and try and find it in yourself. You dont need men to validate you, make you feel wanted, loved, good about yourself... it doesnt work. It may for a short while but it doesnt last. Been there done it!

 

Have you noticed how you not once wrote in this post about the qualities of this guy that you like? You didnt say, he is a nice guy, intelligent, smart, interesting, good conversation, whatever... you are only focusing on what he is offering to you. So technically it could be ANYONE, who just said the right things to you and you would feel drawn to them. This shows it is not about him but about you. What you need, look for, to feel whole and fulfilled and good enough. As soon as you look for these things in another person you are in for a crash. I know because I was the same with my xMM. I know now it was never about him but all about me.

 

And then, there is the messages HE sent to you. He is trying to lure you into the affair. I mean if this guy was truly interested in you he would want to be your friend and talk to you and get to know you, and not say 'Use me as a distraction, I will satisfy you etc...' He has his own selfish agenda. You are easy prey to him, a woman who he can wrap around his finger but doesnt have to worry about because you are married. I dare predict that if you got together with him, fell for him and suggested you would leave your husband for him... POOF. He would be gone just like that.

 

Then there is your hubby, I totally agree with Miss Clavel's post. Either leave now, or make a plan. It is clear he is not for you. So make a strategic plan, save money, plan your exit step by step so you dont put yourself in a predicament. BTW is it possible that your hubby may be having an A also? He certainly seems like the material, wants to have a housewife at home and perhaps he is having a secret life also?

[Southern Sun]

Cyra's post is spot on.

 

You are like a ball in a pin ball machine - bouncing from man to man, seeking validation and soothing you crave.

 

You have also entered a very slippery slope. It seems like something happens to us once we've opened the door to an affair. You've made it okay in your mind once. What's stopping you from doing it again? It's ironic isn't it? You probably feel so in love with your MM and think you could never be with anyone, but here you are so easily considering walking into something else. It just has to tell you that it is so much more about how it makes you feel and what it's doing for you. Sure, you might prefer your MM, but if not him, you might just find it somewhere else.

 

My advice? Do not compare how you feel about your BH right now to any of these men. You've destroyed your feelings for your BH by having an affair. You might claim they were already gone before you started, but I bet they weren't as bad as they are now. And what do you want to bet that your BH feels your detachment and that may be why he doesn't want to talk about your trip to the gym?

 

Don't make decisions based upon your feelings. Try to find your brain again and do what is smart. Feelings come later.

 

Saying all this gently because I'VE BEEN THERE.

[confusingme]

That part you wrote is positive in a way. If it is the case you need someone to listen and care, then it is fixable. My guess would be that you might not have many close friendships with other women. These close friendships can fill that void when you allow these friendships to develop.

 

SeeetiePi, thank you for your post.

Yes you are right, I don't have friends here. I mean I had and still have female friends I think. But I just feel that I don't fit in them.

Also there is a very important unfortunate incident happened between one female friend and I.

I don't know if you read another post of mine about my husband's friend judging me and it really really hurt me and made me timid with friends. Basically I'm not opening heart to make new friends anymore after that. And that friend of my husband's wife was my friend, I talked about almost everything to her, they felt like family. But after her husband judged me, I felt like SHE had been talking badly with her husband about me since she knew a lot about my thoughts. (Mostly about my marriage)

So no I don't talk to any friends with open heart anymore.

I mean I feel bad because there are some really good people in my neighborhood and gym community. I talk to them. But not deep, not emotional. And I feel like I cannot seek for help from them. I cannot trust.

[stillafool]

Yet you trust strange men. Interesting.