Every part of me hurts

[Cyra]

SeeetiePi, thank you for your post.

Yes you are right, I don't have friends here. I mean I had and still have female friends I think. But I just feel that I don't fit in them.

 

I get this, i dont have any close friends either. People my age just seem interested in different things than me

Thats why it has helped me so much to be in this forum. Met wonderful people here. Hopefully it can help you too, you have friends here who understand.

[stillafool]

We are here to help you, however you can't replace real life friends with people on some forum. Get out there and make real friends in real life.

[confusingme]

Your husband sounds like a whiny tool but that doesn't mean it's ok to cheat on him with multiple men.

 

You are officially a serial cheater. If you're this dependent on the other guys messages then already in an emotional affair with him.

 

Divorce and therapy.

Hi ChickiePops, thank you. your message scared me and I requested to have my post removed. lol. But you were right, and woke me up. Thank you.

I don't want to be called "serial cheater", it sounds horrible !!!!

 

My husband IS a big whiny tool, he whines about everything. He's so impatient with a lot of small things in daily life. For example, he would be more whiny than our kids (4 years + 3 years) when they are taking too long to get ready when we go out. My husband would go back to bedroom and lie on bed and saying "let me know when you are all ready to go", just because kids don't put their shoes on quick enough. Not to mention that he never helps me with house chores. After all these years I'm just tired to tell him what to do. It's faster and more peace of mind for me to do everything real quick than trying to get him going.

 

Yet, you are right. It does not mean it's ok to cheat on him.

 

However, to make a decision to divorce him doesn't happen overnight.

 

But yes, I'm so sure that I will not be having multiple OMs...I cleared my mind, I will not mess around this other man no matter what happens. I was drawn in his words yesterday. I'm more clear today.

[confusingme]

He told you he liked you and you gave him your phone number. He probably waited a year to get in touch with you because he had other women in his life until now. Now he's bored and you'll do because apparently you're bored too and answering his texts after a year.

 

Don't be so naive. You keep responding to him so he knows you're easily manipulated and he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

 

If your marriage is so bad, then get a divorce.

 

Hi JewelD: Thank you. I have read couple of your posts in other threads. I like the way you think. Really helpful.

 

I have stopped replying to this new man.

[confusingme]

The way the 2nd OM spoke and the things he said gave me the feeling that he has a history of sleeping with married women. He knows just what to say to make you swoon ie "I understand" "let me give you what you are missing".

 

I've met guys who love chasing married women because the MW fawn all over them while they have to do very little in return. Just give them compliments, empathy and sex. Then when they are done they can easily move onto the next one without the current one kicking up much fuss because she is married after all.

 

Thank you Anika99, completely true.Thank you.

[confusingme]

do you actually love your husband? do you actually want him to touch you?

 

i can't tell.

 

if you want your husband, stop screwing around behind his back. he's gonna be so pissed if he finds out about not one but two OOOOM. and so are his friends, judging from what you've poasted about them already.

 

you're a guest in a foreign country, hopefully your husband doesn't smack you for embarrassing him by f'ing around or take the kids and leave you, you make him sound like he might. like he cares more about appearances than he does about you.

 

if you don't really want your husband, then my advice is easy. get up, get dressed and go on with your life. it sounds like you've got a good life, one i'd enjoy. you get a house, money, a family and status and you don't even have to screw the guy? hello? sounds like heaven to me.

 

a perfect situation to go about your life without him noticing. you get to live you life and someone else pays all the bills and they are almost never home.

 

if that's not enough for you because you have "needs" then take the time to start hiding money and the children's records. birth certificates, shot records and school records. find and hide all the papers you will need to start over, personally and professionally.

 

the poor man's way to get over depression is to get MOVING and not toward another OOM! start planing your exit. whether you do it before you go back to school or after.

 

if you take the time to go to school before you divorce you will have to placate your husband, slop some sugar on him and keep your head down till you get done. it's not like he'd notice. order more cable channels and netflix.

 

or, get your ducks in a row and go sooner.

 

MAKE a descions, no matter how hard. MAKE a choice.

 

can you live alone with your husband and use the time to get yourself in a better financial position or do you really need to have physical and emotional intimacy with someone so bad that you cheat on your husband, behind his back and risk his wrath?

 

decide.

 

while you are deciding don't bring anymore baggage into your life at this point, you've got enough to carry, plus, you are married.

 

i don't think you're gonna die if you don't have any intimacy, not anytime soon anyway, but you might find yourself living in a foreign hell, broke, without your kids if you keep on cheating.

 

good luck.

 

Wow, Miss Clavel !! How I love your comment !!

No, I DO NOT really "need to have physical and emotional intimacy with someone so bad"

 

I don't know why but after talking to the second guy yesterday and the feelings he brought to me, made me feel much better with my OM, I realized that it is really not about the OM at all, he can be so easily replaced, anybody else can give me the feeling I need. Obviously, they don't do this for love, not even for me, they do it because they have their own needs. So this morning when I woke up, my head was never be more clearer since I got into the Affair.

 

I realized I have fallen into my own imagined fairy tale too deeply. I always believed there was a perfect world for me and the OM.

 

I still miss him, I like him a lot. And the things/time we have spent together still make me feel good. Knowing there is no more still make me feel "loss", but I understand it now and I can see it more clear that nothing was real.

 

I read something before when the D day happened, that the OM you love is not the "real him". He only shows you the good side, you don't need to listen to his snoring at night, you don't need to pick up his dirty socks.

I think it's so true. That I've just been seeing the good side and myself have been showing the perfect side of myself. He hasn't seen me without makeup. without dressed up... Everything is just so unreal...and so easy to be broken down.

 

Really, cannot waste time on any of these men.

[confusingme]

do you actually love your husband? do you actually want him to touch you?

 

i can't tell.

 

if you want your husband, stop screwing around behind his back. he's gonna be so pissed if he finds out about not one but two OOOOM. and so are his friends, judging from what you've poasted about them already.

 

you're a guest in a foreign country, hopefully your husband doesn't smack you for embarrassing him by f'ing around or take the kids and leave you, you make him sound like he might. like he cares more about appearances than he does about you.

 

if you don't really want your husband, then my advice is easy. get up, get dressed and go on with your life. it sounds like you've got a good life, one i'd enjoy. you get a house, money, a family and status and you don't even have to screw the guy? hello? sounds like heaven to me.

 

a perfect situation to go about your life without him noticing. you get to live you life and someone else pays all the bills and they are almost never home.

 

if that's not enough for you because you have "needs" then take the time to start hiding money and the children's records. birth certificates, shot records and school records. find and hide all the papers you will need to start over, personally and professionally.

 

the poor man's way to get over depression is to get MOVING and not toward another OOM! start planing your exit. whether you do it before you go back to school or after.

 

if you take the time to go to school before you divorce you will have to placate your husband, slop some sugar on him and keep your head down till you get done. it's not like he'd notice. order more cable channels and netflix.

 

or, get your ducks in a row and go sooner.

 

MAKE a descions, no matter how hard. MAKE a choice.

 

can you live alone with your husband and use the time to get yourself in a better financial position or do you really need to have physical and emotional intimacy with someone so bad that you cheat on your husband, behind his back and risk his wrath?

 

decide.

 

while you are deciding don't bring anymore baggage into your life at this point, you've got enough to carry, plus, you are married.

 

i don't think you're gonna die if you don't have any intimacy, not anytime soon anyway, but you might find yourself living in a foreign hell, broke, without your kids if you keep on cheating.

 

good luck.

 

Ultimately, I have to have a real life to live on. A real life is not necessary perfect.

I have a lot of emotional needs, but I'll try to focus on some healthy things like reading, travelling which I can actually learn stuff from.

 

About my life,my husband has given me everything. House, Car, Money. Not the best of all but enough for me to live an easy life. But it is probably the reason why I get the empty feeling, because I got everything in life so easily. I never needed to work. I have been forgetting to appreciate. I remember I used to take kids to parks and look at flowers, grass, trees, birds, I could spend hours on these little things with kids. I was so patient and lovely. I loved my then self. Now, I don't even want to visit his family, in another city. I remember before I moved to this country, one of my biggest dreams was hoping spend Christmas with him and his family. I remember I was counting down...

I don't know why this happens to me as seems like my life has getting better and better.

One thing I can think of is my husband only compliments me when we have sex. He would say he loves my body and say "You are beautiful"

But if I buy a new dress and ask him how I look in it, he will say "It's good" without really looking at me or the dress.

I've tried to go details like "See this is the style I like, it shows my curve." Then he will easily go horny and want to have sex with me.

I mean, it's probably a good thing, at least it means I'm still attractive to him. But only sex ? I'm not happy with that. It scares me of talking to him sometimes, especially at night. I want emotional connection, I want talk with hearts, exchange our ideas, talking about future, but it always ends up he wants sex with me quickly. And he finishes it quickly too. Afterwards, he will be tired and not really any conversation...

How am I supposed to fix this problem ? I mean it's intense.

From the OM, he says things like "You look good in this black dress", I love black and I always wear black. One day we met in a park so I wore more causal, I wore a grey tshirt and black skirt. I remember he said "It's nice to see you with other color, you look absolutely good in grey too." I know it's easy for an Affair partner to do this. But I really really love these compliments. I don't remember the last time my husband said anything good about my appearance except when we had sex. ugh!

[confusingme]

I think it is not a good idea to start something with this guy.

 

Mainly for reasons that concern YOU. You see this guy as a substitute for your xMM. You had all these unfulfilled needs that you were looking for the xMM to fulfill (attention, intimacy, love...) and he hasnt and left you brokenhearted, and now this guy surfaced and he is offering all that to you so naturally you feel like projecting all those unfulfilled needs onto him now. It really is not the way to go, because sooner or later he will not meet your needs anymore and then you will be where you are now, multiplied. The best thing to do is cut them all off and concentrate and try to find out what it is that you look for in these men, and try and find it in yourself. You dont need men to validate you, make you feel wanted, loved, good about yourself... it doesnt work. It may for a short while but it doesnt last. Been there done it!

 

Have you noticed how you not once wrote in this post about the qualities of this guy that you like? You didnt say, he is a nice guy, intelligent, smart, interesting, good conversation, whatever... you are only focusing on what he is offering to you. So technically it could be ANYONE, who just said the right things to you and you would feel drawn to them. This shows it is not about him but about you. What you need, look for, to feel whole and fulfilled and good enough. As soon as you look for these things in another person you are in for a crash. I know because I was the same with my xMM. I know now it was never about him but all about me.

 

And then, there is the messages HE sent to you. He is trying to lure you into the affair. I mean if this guy was truly interested in you he would want to be your friend and talk to you and get to know you, and not say 'Use me as a distraction, I will satisfy you etc...' He has his own selfish agenda. You are easy prey to him, a woman who he can wrap around his finger but doesnt have to worry about because you are married. I dare predict that if you got together with him, fell for him and suggested you would leave your husband for him... POOF. He would be gone just like that.

 

Then there is your hubby, I totally agree with Miss Clavel's post. Either leave now, or make a plan. It is clear he is not for you. So make a strategic plan, save money, plan your exit step by step so you dont put yourself in a predicament. BTW is it possible that your hubby may be having an A also? He certainly seems like the material, wants to have a housewife at home and perhaps he is having a secret life also?

 

Cyra, thanks again !! Everything you said was so true. Don't worry about the new man, I have already cut off, I deleted his number and if he texts me again, I'll block his number.

 

This morning when I woke up, it was really early like 4am, I had this strange feeling: More mess.

 

I just realized how these men can only bring confusion to me, that's when I knew that I'm not gonna have any other man in my life no matter what happens. No, enough is enough. I'm just tired. I want my life to be simple, I don't want drama. I don't want to create drama. So this new man is gone in my mind, I'm not thinking of him at all. Just a joke. A mistake I was about to make...

 

That's why LS is so amazing, I'm so glad I posted this before I jumped in. I assume that I would have gone farther if I didn't hear all the instructive advises from all of you here !!

 

So this morning, after I dropped the kids to school. I went to the gym, talked to my instructor positively, laughed. Then I took a very long shower after the workout, then I went to a spa, got a massage. I wanted to treat myself right. It's not that hard to get move on without grieving.

 

I remember the first week after the D-day, I was sitting in the couch, crying,holding my phone hoping he would magically call me as I believed I was so important to him that he would find any way to sneak out and give me a call just to check if I'm feeling ok. Well... He's been busy with family and has been the best father and husband ever. (His own words on last friday's call.)

 

Yes, I still believe if he says he still thinks about me. Still wants me. But, everything will be stolen. Nothing will work out. Nothing will be qualified. He's a father, a husband, he's his wife's man.

 

I still miss him, but I'm doing better everyday. I'm still feeling sad but not miserable anymore. I'm NOT having the urge to drive all the way to his house just to have him been seen anymore. I'm not holding my phone all day worrying about what if I miss his call. It might sound weird because it was like all a sudden, all the mysterious grieving is gone. He's still in my heart, but my mind is more peaceful.

 

I still look forward to hearing him in 2 weeks, (maybe this feeling will gradually go away too during this 2 weeks, will be even better if it does). But I feel I can tell him "I still care about you, I still would love to have you in my life, but I will free you and free myself too. Thanks for all the good things you have brought to me, I'll always remember it." It is better to be remembered in a good way instead of have everything turn into an ugly end...

 

...

[confusingme]

At least, for his and my kids' sake...omg, our kids are so awesome !! I love them all !!

No I cannot do any harm to any of those kids...They are pure angels.

 

I wish him the best of best and he will be always in my mind.

[Miss Clavel]

 

 

One thing I can think of is my husband only compliments me when we have sex. He would say he loves my body and say "You are beautiful"

But if I buy a new dress and ask him how I look in it, he will say "It's good" without really looking at me or the dress.

I've tried to go details like "See this is the style I like, it shows my curve." . I don't remember the last time my husband said anything good about my appearance except when we had sex. ugh!

 

 

we have an oven timer, we set it to five mins and the other person has to listen for those five mins. no interrupting, no advice. just pay attention.

 

i can't believe a married woman can't get her husband's attention for five mins. if he won't give you five mins attention, set the timer anyway and talk about how sad you are that he appears not to care. state one thing you need, like a kiss after sex, or a cuddle or just a word of affection and encouragement. work on that one thing.

 

then hand him the timer.

[confusingme]

Last night I did two things:

- look for good books for my age (I'm 30).

- watched my favorite movie <Jane Eyre>. It's probably the 10th. times I have watched it.

 

I always love when Jane said "I must respect myself" when she decided to leave after she found out that Mr. Rochester had a 15 year wife. But this time, I felt the strongest when I heard her saying this in the movie.

 

I recalled the things my OM had done to/for me, really, he is not that into me, at least, not as much I am to him.

 

So just like that, I think I'm no longer excepting him. I'm no longer waiting for his call. I'm still thankful for the (short & stolen) happiness and time he had given to me. I still believe that he developed his feelings for me. I believe everything he has said and done.

 

This morning, I started doing meditation by listening to mindfulness music on Spotify. The music was magical, it was like flowing all over my body. I felt so calm, so peaceful. Earlier yesterday I was looking for a quiet place/lake to relax myself, but today, I felt so relaxed when I was driving on a busy road in the city. Peaceful is in mind.

 

This is what my OM told me "Don't rely your happiness on anybody else except yourself." I'm grateful...

 

I understand this peaceful mind will probably only lasts for couple days, and some day I will probably feel down again for no reasons, but I'm no longer feared. I know and I will always remind myself that I must respect myself and make myself peaceful without seeking from outside.

 

I'm just entering the 3rd. decade of my life, I shall make full of it. By reading a lot of good books. That's the best thing I can think of now.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Last night I did two things:

- look for good books for my age (I'm 30).

- watched my favorite movie <Jane Eyre>. It's probably the 10th. times I have watched it.

 

I always love when Jane said "I must respect myself" when she decided to leave after she found out that Mr. Rochester had a 15 year wife. But this time, I felt the strongest when I heard her saying this in the movie.

 

I recalled the things my OM had done to/for me, really, he is not that into me, at least, not as much I am to him.

 

So just like that, I think I'm no longer excepting him. I'm no longer waiting for his call. I'm still thankful for the (short & stolen) happiness and time he had given to me. I still believe that he developed his feelings for me. I believe everything he has said and done.

 

This morning, I started doing meditation by listening to mindfulness music on Spotify. The music was magical, it was like flowing all over my body. I felt so calm, so peaceful. Earlier yesterday I was looking for a quiet place/lake to relax myself, but today, I felt so relaxed when I was driving on a busy road in the city. Peaceful is in mind.

 

This is what my OM told me "Don't rely your happiness on anybody else except yourself." I'm grateful...

 

I understand this peaceful mind will probably only lasts for couple days, and some day I will probably feel down again for no reasons, but I'm no longer feared. I know and I will always remind myself that I must respect myself and make myself peaceful without seeking from outside.

 

I'm just entering the 3rd. decade of my life, I shall make full of it. By reading a lot of good books. That's the best thing I can think of now.

 

I truly believe moving on is a choice. Once you realize the majority of your affair was lived in your own head you can start to unravel the lies you told yourself and start moving forward.

 

Good post! Keep walking

[SweetiePi]

You're welcome. I can be difficult to meet the right friends. I used to say a lot of the things you did like "I cannot trust" or not having your heart open. I understand how you feel. But, you can learn to trust. You trusted and had your heart open for OM. It is a matter of treading carefully and taking your time with people before opening up to them. It takes so much time and sometimes getting hurt, but when you do find a girlfriend(s) that you trust, it is worth more than diamonds. I urge you to not get involved with this man. He knows the right words to bait you... and quite frankly he is not saying "use him", he means he will be using you. Some people will grab a bunch of darts and blind folded will throw them all hoping one will hit the target. I'm betting he is one of these. Looking for a women who is lonely, hurting one he can manipulate and come in like a hero to you so he can control u.

 

 

SeeetiePi, thank you for your post.

Yes you are right, I don't have friends here. I mean I had and still have female friends I think. But I just feel that I don't fit in them.

Also there is a very important unfortunate incident happened between one female friend and I.

I don't know if you read another post of mine about my husband's friend judging me and it really really hurt me and made me timid with friends. Basically I'm not opening heart to make new friends anymore after that. And that friend of my husband's wife was my friend, I talked about almost everything to her, they felt like family. But after her husband judged me, I felt like SHE had been talking badly with her husband about me since she knew a lot about my thoughts. (Mostly about my marriage)

So no I don't talk to any friends with open heart anymore.

I mean I feel bad because there are some really good people in my neighborhood and gym community. I talk to them. But not deep, not emotional. And I feel like I cannot seek for help from them. I cannot trust.

[confusingme]

As I excepted, the peaceful mind only lasted for less than 12 hours.

By the time when evening came, I started feeling so empty again.

I took my phone out, checking calls, messages, even though I knew there was nothing.

And I was going to write an email to OM...

However, I reminded myself not to.

 

And then I went out for a ride...I listened to meditation music, but it was apparently too much, I had listened to it all day long.

So I changed to the station I used to listen to but had stopped since couple days ago because all the songs in this station remind me of the OM.

But I switched to that station anyway.

To my surprise, it was like a relieve, not a struggle.

I felt like crying. But not for missing him, but for seeing how I was not been cherished by the OM...I felt pity for myself. I then cried for myself.. But my heart told myself softly "I LOVE YOU"

Yes, I love myself. I must.

 

I spent about 1 hour outside while my husband was taking care of our kids at home. And then it was bed time. I wiped my tears on face and went back home. I didn't force myself to act happily, I allowed myself to be low, without being too harsh on husband and kids. I wanted to be gentle to myself...

 

I went to bed quite early, and I had a good sleep.

I'm proud of myself. I've chosen a different way of thinking, minding...and it make myself feel better.

 

It's not easy...

But it's getting better every minute.

[confusingme]

DDay has happened 1 month ago.

 

2 Weeks ago, I called him after he cut off contacts.

 

Tomorrow will be the day which he said he would call me.

(He said he still wanted me but just needed time to let the dust settles)

Well...

 

Honestly, I've never ever waited for anything, anybody so patiently, so calmly, for 2 weeks, I did not attempt to do anything to reach him.

I know his house address, his work place. I used to drive all the way there just to see what's going on. (During and after the A)

I have missed him during these 2 weeks, and any other feelings that each of you here would have, I had them.

 

I don't know how I made this 2 weeks, seems like impossible.

But it has been 2 weeks.

 

I think this quote below has really done a good job for me to remind myself what I am doing:

Don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't cross puddles for you.

That is so true.

 

I don't know if he is gonna call me tomorrow or not.

But somehow it doesn't matter anymore.

I think if he cares about me, he should have found a way to call me way before tomorrow. Cause when you are emotionally thinking about someone, 2 weeks is really a struggling long time.

And if he doesn't call, I think I will feel sad, but it's been more than enough sad. So it will not matter either.

 

Today I was talking with a lady in the gym. She was very talkative, she is experienced with many things/life/jobs, I think what she has told me really made sense.

Don't remember all the things she said, but I felt I wasn't alone in this world to feel lonely, empty, bored with life.

 

Plus, I have school starting in January. I have been doing a lot of work for school, got fully prepared for it, I have been really pushing myself at the gym, got rid of some fat which made me really feel good about myself.

 

With that said, it feels good just to let someone who doesn't care you much go...It's time to free myself.

 

It's a good feeling.

[NTV]

If he loved you he wouldn't just call he would have divorced his wife and left her...

It is time to let him go. He isn't and won't be the love of your life.

[aileD]

I think you have a healthy outlook.

 

I love that quote.

 

I think you need to be prepared for if he does call you. Because if nothing has changed drastically.....nothing will change.

 

I vote you don't answer. Let it go to voicemail.

 

Then if he leaves a message that he left his wife and has an apartment and has filed for divorce, you can call him back.

 

And when he doesn't say that --which I think you know he won't--you can see thru all the sweet talk that is meant to distract you and mess with your head and block his number without having to speak with him.

 

I wish you the healthiest thing for you

[whichwayisup]

There was a DDay and he still there. He had a chance to come clean, end his marriage and walk away ... He hasn't and that says a lot.

 

Hmm, waiting till the dust settles and then he'll contact you again? For what, to continue the A and keep it even more on the DL and hide it better?

 

Focus on detaching, grieving and letting go. YOU end it in your heart and tell yourself you deserve better than some MM making empty promises to you.

 

Keep busy.

[confusingme]

Last night I was extremely calm, when I lied down on bed, I didn't feel anything, just fell asleep with peace in mind.

This morning though when I woke up, my heart pounding like it was jumping off my chest, but it was just for a second.

Before noon, I was home with kids, and my phone started ringing, it didn't make me feel anything although I knew it was him.

I double checked the number showing on the screen and answered the call just like I was going to answer a friend's call.

I didn't try to control myself or pretend to be calm, it was all nature.

I said "Hello"

He said "Hey, it's xx."

I said "Hey, yes I know."

He asked "Can you talk ?"

I was about to make lunch for kids, I was indeed busy.

So I asked if I could call him back in half an hour.

He said he would call me back. (Because my number was still blocked by him)

 

Anyway, after half an hour, he called me back.

 

He asked me how my life had been.

He told me I sounded like doing pretty well compare to 2 weeks ago.

He remembered I was pretty upset.

Well, of course because he didn't know all the grieving I had gone through.

 

I asked how he had been doing.

He told me everything was much better.

Seemed like "the dust had settled".

 

The call lasted for 18 mins.

 

His messages to me was kind of confusing.

He said couple things:

(First, he asked me what he could do for me now. To start the kind of back and forth conversation.)

1. "I don't want to mess up my situation again."

2. "I don't regret anything that between us. It was very nice with you."

3. "It's not about my wife."

4. "Seems like you are doing pretty well and have got over me some, that's the thing I'm happy to see you are doing. If I go back to you then I will pull you back to the other direction and it might mess up both our lives again."

5. "I'm happy with my situation (family & wife), but you are not, so if we get back together, you would keep thinking about me all the time and this is not good."

6. "Can I check back on you just to see how you are doing in the future ?"

 

 

These are the main points from him I can remember.

 

I'm not trying to figure out what he is thinking indeed.

It doesn't matter to me anymore.

 

He asked me what he could do for me now,

And these are the things I told him:

1. "I want you back." (Yes I did say this)

2. "You made me happy. I think I love you. I have fallen in love with you."

3. "However, if you have decided that your family is the thing you want and cannot mess it up, I'll let you do whatever you need to. I'll free you and free myself too."

4. "If you think it's all over then don't call me anymore."

 

I don't know what you guys will think about my words to him.

I wasn't trying to play brain game or figure out what he was trying to do.

As I said many times, I always believe that he cares about me, not much but he likes me and he wants me. Today's call has proven it and I smiled when the called ended.

 

I mean I'm in love with him, I love him.

I'm no longer trapping myself anymore, I can let him go now without any drama. And I'm no longer grieving.

 

Honestly, I do not want to cut all the contracts and then keep grieving and thinking about him and keeping reminding myself to forget about him. For me this is not a solution, for me, only time can heal. Let everything flow as time goes on. Those strict "NC" or "Blocking" will only drive me crazy.

 

As truth has proven that I'm doing so much better than the first week after Dday.

 

At the end of the call, he asked me if I could sometime send him a text message when I go the park near him. (He works near a park I always go with kids). He said he would love to see me.

 

I actually feel very good right now.

The peaceful mind that I need.

 

No matter what happens, I'll see myself the center of my life.

I'll welcome him back to my life.

But I'm no longer longing him or see him as the main part of my life.

 

Thing might change, maybe I'll decide that I don't want him any more.

For kids' sake and his wife's.

 

But no matter how thing changes, I know I will never ever cling to him and make him the priority.

 

No comments please...Just want to write it down.

I feel good, so don't need any comments to make me feel different.

Feeling good is all I need.

 

My big appreciation for all the advises I have got from this website!!

A great place !

[eye of the storm]

Confusingme, you feel good cause you got your fix. Any addict will tell you how good that feels. Then it will wear off and you will be craving again.

 

I thought I could maintain LC with my MM too. But it just kept me searching for the next message, call, text.

 

NC and Blocking sucks. But it is an important tool to healing and moving on.

 

You mention being kind and gentle to yourself. Remember to also be kind and gentle to your family.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I know you do not want anyone to comment but i feel a need to do that so you can hopefully understand why you hurt when you start hurting again in a few days or maybe tonight, or tomorrow.

 

Eye of the Storm is right- you got your fix. You feel pretty good now and you think it is because you are taking steps and moving forward but if that was truly the case you wouldn't have felt a need to talk to him today. The sooner you can realize this the more steps you will take in healing. True healing can only come from NC. You are doing a lot of bargaining with yourself when really you just need to cut the ties and move forward. Block and delete cut the head off the snake everywhere and start figuring our what your life looks like moving forward.

 

You will be stuck in your head for awhile turning your conversation around and around and this will continue making you feel okay, for a little while, but sooner or later you will start having doubts and fear; especially if you don't hear from him- and if you do hear form you will be back in the affair. The fear is what feeds the intense emotions in an affair. I truly hope you are in counseling and have someone else to talk to about this besides all of us lost souls on LS.

[Jemima1234]

Please don't take his breadcrumbs. Listen to him - he is happy with his marriage and family- that's all you need to hear. Walk away

[MidnightBlue1980]

Please don't take his breadcrumbs. Listen to him - he is happy with his marriage and family- that's all you need to hear. Walk away

 

I agree but I know how it feels when they finally reappear. The high is strong and the fix real. This is why we say - they always come back once the dust settles and why I let my H play out his own affair.

 

OP what is up with your own husband? You don't mention him. All this time is passing while your mm is fixing his marriage (uh, sort of, not really since he wants you to text him when you are at the park).

[confusingme]

I met him today.

It was only about 10 minutes.

We hugged and kissed.

 

Then later he told me "You cannot have emotions for me anymore. My emotions are all with my family. I had a very strong connection with my kids and wife in the past 2 weeks. And this is what you need to do with your family too. We can still meet and I would love to meet. But you cannot go too emotional."

 

Well, I just cannot explain to myself, how can men separate "emotion" & "physic" so clearly? How can a man say "I still want to meet you but I don't have emotions for you" ? I just don't understand what's behind the men's mind.

 

The "my emotions are all with my family" statement really woke me up.

I don't have much to say about it (you guys know it well how it feels).

So I told him "Go back to your family. Let's just say bye here and never call me anymore."

 

He was trying to convince me to meet up again.

 

I didn't respond to that. I said "Bye" to him and he wanted to give me a hug, I rejected.

Last words were :

Him "Drive safe"

Me "Bye"

 

That's it, there is no way back.

 

The daydream I had been telling myself "He has feelings for me" has been awaken.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I met him today.

It was only about 10 minutes.

We hugged and kissed.

 

Then later he told me "You cannot have emotions for me anymore. My emotions are all with my family. I had a very strong connection with my kids and wife in the past 2 weeks. And this is what you need to do with your family too. We can still meet and I would love to meet. But you cannot go too emotional."

 

Well, I just cannot explain to myself, how can men separate "emotion" & "physic" so clearly? How can a man say "I still want to meet you but I don't have emotions for you" ? I just don't understand what's behind the men's mind.

 

The "my emotions are all with my family" statement really woke me up.

I don't have much to say about it (you guys know it well how it feels).

So I told him "Go back to your family. Let's just say bye here and never call me anymore."

 

He was trying to convince me to meet up again.

 

I didn't respond to that. I said "Bye" to him and he wanted to give me a hug, I rejected.

Last words were :

Him "Drive safe"

Me "Bye"

 

That's it, there is no way back.

 

The daydream I had been telling myself "He has feelings for me" has been awaken.

 

It's a gender difference. Men are taught to suppress their feelings from little on up, so they have a lot of control over them, whereas women are taught to express them and unfortunately tend to be ruled by them. So his wife gets his feelings and you get his d*ck. Because he is telling you this, he would not feel bad towards you as you know what you are in for.

 

You are doing the right thing. No matter what direction you go in, do not be with a man who says upfront that he has no feelings for you.

 

Consider yourself lucky. I got the 'I love you" over and over to suck me back in. Trust me, it's worse.