Every part of me hurts

[Cyra]

I met him today.

It was only about 10 minutes.

We hugged and kissed.

 

Then later he told me "You cannot have emotions for me anymore. My emotions are all with my family. I had a very strong connection with my kids and wife in the past 2 weeks. And this is what you need to do with your family too. We can still meet and I would love to meet. But you cannot go too emotional."

 

Well, I just cannot explain to myself, how can men separate "emotion" & "physic" so clearly? How can a man say "I still want to meet you but I don't have emotions for you" ? I just don't understand what's behind the men's mind.

 

The "my emotions are all with my family" statement really woke me up.

I don't have much to say about it (you guys know it well how it feels).

So I told him "Go back to your family. Let's just say bye here and never call me anymore."

 

He was trying to convince me to meet up again.

 

I didn't respond to that. I said "Bye" to him and he wanted to give me a hug, I rejected.

Last words were :

Him "Drive safe"

Me "Bye"

 

That's it, there is no way back.

 

The daydream I had been telling myself "He has feelings for me" has been awaken.

 

Sorry to say but he is setting up for the classic cake eating scenario. He tells you not to get too emotional (ie. Ill never leave wife) but still wants to meet you (ie. I want my fun on the side)

Please dont enable him. Cut him off completely, dont give him what he wants at your expense. If he has such a strong connection with his wife, let him have it, he made his bed. Hugs

Edited November 7, 2016 by Cyra

[aileD]

Ok this is it

 

He flat out told you he has no emotions for you but if you want to continue ****ing him then that's ok.

You're now responsible for any pain you inflict on yourself if you choose to see/talk/touch/**** him again.

 

He warned you.

 

 

Please walk away

[imperfectangel]

Ok this is it

 

He flat out told you he has no emotions for you but if you want to continue ****ing him then that's ok.

You're now responsible for any pain you inflict on yourself if you choose to see/talk/touch/**** him again.

 

He warned you.

 

 

Please walk away

 

Could the same be said for bs' that chose to reconcile? After all they've had their warning. Probably not. Unfortunately it is not that easy to shut yourself off from it all we all know that otherwise non of us would be posting here.

[eye of the storm]

Waking up from a dream sucks. But it is necessary for you to look at reality. You cannot move on if you are still stuck.

 

You were told to block this guy. You thought you were special and your A was special. Starting to see you are not alone? Most of us thought the same thing. You are not special and your A was not special.

 

Please believe this guy, he is being honest. He is choosing his W and his family. But he still wants to bang you. That is all you are and ever will be to this guy. He is being totally honest with you. You no longer even have the illusion he loves you. Because he is telling you he doesn't. Believe him.

 

The bandaid has been ripped off. Put some antibiotic on it (IC) and let it heal. Block and NC. You also need to spend some time thinking about your M and your family. Either get all in with them or get out. They deserve that.

 

Good luck. I am sorry you are hurting. I hope you are able to heal now.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I know this hurts and it sucks. I am not sure what is worse the man telling you he doesn't have emotion or like Midnight said the man telling you how much he loves you and cannot live without you he just needs more time. Either way it ends with you on your knees, heart ripped out, marriage in shambles, and him walking away into the sunset happy as a peacock. The ending hurts but it sounds like you are at the end.

 

I found this article the other day and I thought it was pretty helpful; especially as WW. You may get something out of it. Either way I wish you luck as I know your path is going to be hard- but you can do it.

 

I can't seem to get over the other man, I am dying inside - GoAskSuzie.com

[confusingme]

Thank you all !

 

I'm glad he was being honest to me. I personally think it was the best thing ever in this affair.

 

I have been always thinking that when he shows me that he doesn't have feelings for me then I can easily leave.

 

The reason why I have been trapped is because I made myself believe that he loves me. I create this fantasy myself. Meanwhile, I was always hoping that he would do more for me just to prove my own "belief", which is never be truth.

 

The truth is simple: He has a happy family, he wants more fun and be safe.

 

AKA: He never thinks of bringing me happiness.

 

Now when the dream has been awaken, it still hurts. Pitiful.

However, I see it more clearly.

[whichwayisup]

I met him today.

It was only about 10 minutes.

We hugged and kissed.

 

Then later he told me "You cannot have emotions for me anymore. My emotions are all with my family. I had a very strong connection with my kids and wife in the past 2 weeks. And this is what you need to do with your family too. We can still meet and I would love to meet. But you cannot go too emotional."

 

Well, I just cannot explain to myself, how can men separate "emotion" & "physic" so clearly? How can a man say "I still want to meet you but I don't have emotions for you" ? I just don't understand what's behind the men's mind.

 

Either he wasn't as invested emotionally in you as you were in him, or he was just able to detach and let go quickly. Many men are very able to separate love and sex - I think that you fed his ego, you made him feel great, he did/does care about you but he didn't get emotionally attached to you.

 

DO NOT be friends with this man. You can't handle it. He knows you can't either, everything he says or does will make you think and wonder what he actually means... You'll look for hidden messages and hope he'll fall for you.

 

 

The "my emotions are all with my family" statement really woke me up.

I don't have much to say about it (you guys know it well how it feels).

So I told him "Go back to your family. Let's just say bye here and never call me anymore."

 

He was trying to convince me to meet up again.

 

I didn't respond to that. I said "Bye" to him and he wanted to give me a hug, I rejected.

Last words were :

Him "Drive safe"

Me "Bye"

 

That's it, there is no way back.

 

The daydream I had been telling myself "He has feelings for me" has been awaken.

 

There's no lying to yourself anymore, fooling or hoping he loves you. He doesn't and he was very honest about that. BELIEVE that and never let yourself think otherwise. Reality check is good for you, it'll make you let go of him quicker.

 

Seems he just doesn't want to be the bad guy in your eyes, hence the 'friendship' door was open... You're going to be okay, let yourself grieve but don't cry over him too much, he's not worth it.

[aileD]

Could the same be said for bs' that chose to reconcile? After all they've had their warning. Probably not. Unfortunately it is not that easy to shut yourself off from it all we all know that otherwise non of us would be posting here.

 

The difference is the marriage certificate and wedding vows and intertwined lives and children and history and 100 other things that OW aren't a part of. And yes any wife that chooses to R now knows her H is capable of cheating.

 

I'm not saying it's not going to be hard. I'm just saying to her--now she knows. His actions and his words now match. No matter how hard she must move on or continue in Pain.

 

He chose her to woo and romance but he chose his wife and family for his LIFE

 

It think OP knows it's time to move on

[123sadgirl]

I met him today.

It was only about 10 minutes.

We hugged and kissed.

 

Then later he told me "You cannot have emotions for me anymore. My emotions are all with my family. I had a very strong connection with my kids and wife in the past 2 weeks. And this is what you need to do with your family too. We can still meet and I would love to meet. But you cannot go too emotional."

 

Well, I just cannot explain to myself, how can men separate "emotion" & "physic" so clearly? How can a man say "I still want to meet you but I don't have emotions for you" ? I just don't understand what's behind the men's mind.

 

The "my emotions are all with my family" statement really woke me up.

I don't have much to say about it (you guys know it well how it feels).

So I told him "Go back to your family. Let's just say bye here and never call me anymore."

 

He was trying to convince me to meet up again.

 

I didn't respond to that. I said "Bye" to him and he wanted to give me a hug, I rejected.

Last words were :

Him "Drive safe"

Me "Bye"

 

That's it, there is no way back.

 

The daydream I had been telling myself "He has feelings for me" has been awaken.

 

You will be fine confusingme:) it will take a lot of time and crying and replaying the conversation in your head but each day you will get stronger if you go into NC. You will feel like you want to call him and talk to him again and some days you will miss him so much, you will even consider his option to see you without emotion, but please do not call him back or go back. It will cause you more pain and you will loath yourself more.

 

My ExMM said similar words to me, he told me i am more emotionally involve than him and i should not love him. Imagine, a middle age man with a bit of belly actually believing he is god send gift to me, I felt hurt and sad, because i have made him felt that good he thinks he is all that.

 

I don't know about your MM and yourself, but mine said some things to me that when i think of it makes me strong not to go back. And is not like he even shower me with gifts or did anything nice for me, some mistress are treated very nice by their MM that it will make sense if they want them back. But when you are treated not so good, and they say those words of not having feelings for you, is it worth it to want to be in it.

 

Believe me it will get better, grieve and cry and take each day as it comes, but do not contact him again. Hugs to you:)

[confusingme]

Thank you so much everyone, sorry I'm pretty tired, I don't feel like replying to each of the post you girls posted/supported me. But I have read many times of each post and I want to say "Thank you " to you all.

 

I was almost sleeping, then all a sudden I couldn't fall asleep. And just kept thinking of him.

 

I regretted that I didn't do NC right after the dday, I had gone 2 weeks in hell. Now I have to go through the whole darn grieving once again just because I wanted him to call me on last Friday. It's pure hell.

 

You know it will be so nice if I can have a real good cry. But I'm unable to cry. It sucks. I want to let something out of my chest.

 

I know I'll be able to overcome it. It just takes time.

 

To 123sadgirl: He never gave me presents, he did give my daughter presents and the good things which are hard for me to get over are the conversations we had about his kids and my daughter. We talked about our kids a lot. They played together while we met in a park. They collected acorns together. Climed slides together...

 

Oh it hurts so much.

 

Anyway. Sometimes, the right thing to do is the hardest.

I have blocked his number and I'll never call him back. Because the pain will be worse if I get back to him but then I couldn't fulfill the emotional part that I have been craving for. That hurts the most.

 

I'll welcome each day and make full of it.

 

These nights will be hard as I can tell I won't be able to rest well now....

 

However, I'll move on. I'll have the positive thoughts and just won't go back.

 

Thank you again everyone !

[MidnightBlue1980]

Imagine, a middle age man with a bit of belly actually believing he is god send gift to me, I felt hurt and sad, because i have made him felt that good he thinks he is all that.

 

 

Same here. 100%. I built this loser up, not to sound egotistic but I am tall and attractive. He is like George Casanza without being funny - short, big gut, balding and an erectile dysfunction disorder. I've made him feel like a rock star.

 

Think of it this way though - it won't stick. These guys need us chasing them to keep that false ego up. Without us eventually it will come down and they will think about how we made them feel, long after we are only a memory.

[123sadgirl]

Same here. 100%. I built this loser up, not to sound egotistic but I am tall and attractive. He is like George Casanza without being funny - short, big gut, balding and an erectile dysfunction disorder. I've made him feel like a rock star.

 

Think of it this way though - it won't stick. These guys need us chasing them to keep that false ego up. Without us eventually it will come down and they will think about how we made them feel, long after we are only a memory.

 

You made smile MidnightBlue1980:) what you wrote is so true, i was thinking the same. That why sometimes i don't know why my heart is so stupid... seriously.. I did not want to write how attractive I am but with honesty if truth be told he only dreams of my type... but attraction and the heart has a mind of their own.

 

It 5 weeks now of NC, I have not made any contact at all with him, I get weak moments when i want to but I stay strong, knowing they will pass. I see him every day at work and sometimes i feel someone staring at me and i look up and he is. I hate myself for looking up.

 

I am sure he is still waiting knowing the old me will break NC, he has no idea he will be waiting decades for that. My therapist has given me some tools to cope in moving on and has advice me to actively look for a new job. Because she believes it can go back on if we still work together.

 

I told her no because i am done doing the chasing and it not going to happen again. xoxo

[Cyra]

Same here. 100%. I built this loser up, not to sound egotistic but I am tall and attractive. He is like George Casanza without being funny - short, big gut, balding and an erectile dysfunction disorder. I've made him feel like a rock star.

 

Think of it this way though - it won't stick. These guys need us chasing them to keep that false ego up. Without us eventually it will come down and they will think about how we made them feel, long after we are only a memory.

 

Wow girls, I see a pattern emerging here! My exMM was 50, short, bald, belly, mediocre in bed at most. I am 15 years younger, tall, attractive, way smarter than him. I elevated his ego sky high, I would always tell him how hot and amazing he was and that he was the greatest lover. This wasnt a devious scheme, in the throes of my infatuation I genuinely thought he was the hottest man ever and while the sex was average, short and sometimes selfish from his part I would make it out in my mind like the greatest experience ever! But the objective reality was far from that.

I agree without that ego boost they will just find themselves the old, boring and completely ordinary men they have always been

[123sadgirl]

Wow girls, I see a pattern emerging here! My exMM was 50, short, bald, belly, mediocre in bed at most. I am 15 years younger, tall, attractive, way smarter than him. I elevated his ego sky high, I would always tell him how hot and amazing he was and that he was the greatest lover. This wasnt a devious scheme, in the throes of my infatuation I genuinely thought he was the hottest man ever and while the sex was average, short and sometimes selfish from his part I would make it out in my mind like the greatest experience ever! But the objective reality was far from that.

I agree without that ego boost they will just find themselves the old, boring and completely ordinary men they have always been

 

hi Cyra.. I love this "This wasnt a devious scheme, in the throes of my infatuation I genuinely thought he was the hottest man ever and while the sex was average, short and sometimes selfish from his part I would make it out in my mind like the greatest experience ever!" One has to live it and know you are 100% right on that. Sometimes I look back and i really wonder what i saw in him, and the worst part is my hubby is very handsome, i mean real candy eye.. that leaves me wondering what the hell is wrong with me!!!!

[Cyra]

hi Cyra.. I love this "This wasnt a devious scheme, in the throes of my infatuation I genuinely thought he was the hottest man ever and while the sex was average, short and sometimes selfish from his part I would make it out in my mind like the greatest experience ever!" One has to live it and know you are 100% right on that. Sometimes I look back and i really wonder what i saw in him, and the worst part is my hubby is very handsome, i mean real candy eye.. that leaves me wondering what the hell is wrong with me!!!!

 

I would say here the cliche line 'looks arent everything' and i think our attraction to these men was subconsciously based on something else. Im still to figure out what! The best part is that my exMM didnt even have some amazing qualities that overshadowed his average exterior. He was cowardly, undecisive, immature and untrustworthy.

I wonder if its something to do with my own insecurity, like im more likely to get the love and validation i need to raise my self worth from someone who is less attractive and wouldnt normally get so much attention from a younger attractive woman, therefore he should value it (me) more. If that makes sense, just an unfinished theory. Clearly it doesnt work though! When we elevate them above ourselves, they truly believe it and act accordingly

[123sadgirl]

I would say here the cliche line 'looks arent everything' and i think our attraction to these men was subconsciously based on something else. Im still to figure out what! The best part is that my exMM didnt even have some amazing qualities that overshadowed his average exterior. He was cowardly, undecisive, immature and untrustworthy.

I wonder if its something to do with my own insecurity, like im more likely to get the love and validation i need to raise my self worth from someone who is less attractive and wouldnt normally get so much attention from a younger attractive woman, therefore he should value it (me) more. If that makes sense, just an unfinished theory. Clearly it doesnt work though! When we elevate them above ourselves, they truly believe it and act accordingly

Oh my god Cyrus, your words are like you are in my mind. I totally gets it. You will think they will appreciate us etc but they rather become arrogant and we become more insecure. We should start a new thread on this, I hope we have not taking this thread off course, i hope it brings some comfort to confusing x

[Cyra]

Oh my god Cyrus, your words are like you are in my mind. I totally gets it. You will think they will appreciate us etc but they rather become arrogant and we become more insecure. We should start a new thread on this, I hope we have not taking this thread off course, i hope it brings some comfort to confusing x

 

We should! I wonder how many people had similar experience

OPs MM seems to be acting on a high horse too, like he knows its hard as he is so desirable and irresistible, but she has to control herself and not get too emotional.. ehh men and their over inflated egos!

Edited November 8, 2016 by Cyra

[confusingme]

We should! I wonder how many people had similar experience

OPs MM seems to be acting on a high horse too, like he knows its hard as he is so desirable and irresistible, but she has to control herself and not get too emotional.. ehh men and their over inflated egos!

 

He is attractive, tall, 6'3". No belly fat, Very handsome. He has awesome soft/golden hair, big nose, sexy lips. Soft voice. However he's NOT as good on bed as I expected from his looking.

And I've been described by many people "attractive " "young" "stunning" "glowing" "absolutely gorgeous " "awesome" "nice legs" (both male & female, from friends in life and gym friends)

 

We both workout a lot.

 

I always believed that we were the perfect match. His wife is 4 years older than him, and she looks much older than her age from her Facebook pictures. I really wanted to go to public with him to get people attention.

 

My husband is not tall, bald, he is good looking but not attractive. People would describe him "computer nerd".

 

But all of these don't matter.

[confusingme]

We all make mistakes and that's how we learn and grow.

However it's at all.

 

Last night I had a dream about his wife, so weird. But it makes sense because yesterday I just really really realized what his wife means to him and what I mean to him.

 

His wife looked beautiful in my dream, with bright big eyes, nice hair. Which I didn't think so before from her pictures. Which always made me more confident about my own looking. I always thought I'd be so much more attracted to him. And he said so too.

Anyway, this is the mistake(misunderstanding) I had been carrying and now the dream told me otherwise.

 

The other night, after he called me, telling me all those cofusing crap, I had a dream about him, he Looked very ugly, and he told me in the dream "I gotta go, my family is waiting"

 

Seems like my dreams about both of them are totally the opposite I had believed. However now I think my dreams told me the truth indeed.

 

That this man is "ugly" (I mean not really ugly, but opposite side of what I had been thinking) and his wife is "beautiful", which means she's the beauty in his life. She will be always forever. He told me when he called on Friday "my wife is nice to me" I think it explained everything.

They are true love, no matter how much/lease they match by looking, age.

I wish my best for him, her, their kids. I wish everything the best for him.

But I will never wish for him.

 

Grieving but I cherish every single free minute now I have.

Journey of healing myself has started.

[elaine567]

His wife looked beautiful in my dream, with bright big eyes, nice hair. Which I didn't think so before from her pictures. Which always made me more confident about my own looking. I always thought I'd be so much more attracted to him. And he said so too.

 

YOU got caught up in your own ego, and it is not uncommon in OWs.

 

"Look at me!

I am younger, fitter, prettier, happier, funnier, more intelligent, better educated, make more money, more interesting, sexier...

Look at her!

Older, boring, dull, thick, fat, miserable..."

 

"OF course, he will choose me, there is no competition, she will be out on her ear soon and I will be be "the love of his life", WE will be the golden couple..."

 

Some OWs have a picture of the wife in their heads, and can be devastated when they find the wife on FB and see she is not some "old drudge" as described by her husband, but a very attractive, clever and successful woman in her own right.

[123sadgirl]

YOU got caught up in your own ego, and it is not uncommon in OWs.

 

"Look at me!

I am younger, fitter, prettier, happier, funnier, more intelligent, better educated, make more money, more interesting, sexier...

Look at her!

Older, boring, dull, thick, fat, miserable..."

 

"OF course, he will choose me, there is no competition, she will be out on her ear soon and I will be be "the love of his life", WE will be the golden couple..."

 

Some OWs have a picture of the wife in their heads, and can be devastated when they find the wife on FB and see she is not some "old drudge" as described by her husband, but a very attractive, clever and successful woman in her own right.

 

Even though I am more beautiful than his wife, i never thought I was better than her, I actually thought what a lucky woman she is to have such sex god in her bed every night and always. There was talks of anyone leaving.

[123sadgirl]

We all make mistakes and that's how we learn and grow.

However it's at all.

 

Last night I had a dream about his wife, so weird. But it makes sense because yesterday I just really really realized what his wife means to him and what I mean to him.

 

His wife looked beautiful in my dream, with bright big eyes, nice hair. Which I didn't think so before from her pictures. Which always made me more confident about my own looking. I always thought I'd be so much more attracted to him. And he said so too.

Anyway, this is the mistake(misunderstanding) I had been carrying and now the dream told me otherwise.

 

The other night, after he called me, telling me all those cofusing crap, I had a dream about him, he Looked very ugly, and he told me in the dream "I gotta go, my family is waiting"

 

Seems like my dreams about both of them are totally the opposite I had believed. However now I think my dreams told me the truth indeed.

 

That this man is "ugly" (I mean not really ugly, but opposite side of what I had been thinking) and his wife is "beautiful", which means she's the beauty in his life. She will be always forever. He told me when he called on Friday "my wife is nice to me" I think it explained everything.

They are true love, no matter how much/lease they match by looking, age.

I wish my best for him, her, their kids. I wish everything the best for him.

But I will never wish for him.

 

Grieving but I cherish every single free minute now I have.

Journey of healing myself has started.

You are one of lucky few confusinme .. yourbMm being tall and handsome.. you seem to have many good memories,hopefully that will help you move on. Without good memories, one gets angry and feels stupid for playing that bad game call affair..,

[123sadgirl]

We should! I wonder how many people had similar experience

OPs MM seems to be acting on a high horse too, like he knows its hard as he is so desirable and irresistible, but she has to control herself and not get too emotional.. ehh men and their over inflated egos!

 

Oh Cyra ..! You made smile a lot today and lol...

what should we call the thread? Oh I remember, 0nce I asked him if he missed me, he said nope he did not think of me, a second later he started saying how he was thinking of me .. and am like "is he real" oh god help us

[Cyra]

Oh Cyra ..! You made smile a lot today and lol...

what should we call the thread? Oh I remember, 0nce I asked him if he missed me, he said nope he did not think of me, a second later he started saying how he was thinking of me .. and am like "is he real" oh god help us

 

Beauties and beasts

I have countless stories when he was incoherently babbling and contradicting himself. Its pathetic and it was a total mind fk. Whats wrong with us?

[aileD]

I posted this on another thread, but it fits the conversation here..thoughts?

 

maybe she was attracted to his power, his position....that coupled with the attention and how he made her feel turned him into a sexy beast in her eyes

 

I'm going to say something unpopular and I don't mean it as an insult to OW and I don't mean everyone is like this. Ok? So just take with a grain of salt. Yes it applied to my situation..sooo

 

There has to be some reason that a lot of affair situations are MM boss/OW employee of a lesser rank. Usually with decent age difference too.

 

Like you say, some aren't very good looking at all. Is she flattered that a big wig boss would choose her to flirt with? Is there a certain sense of "I must be awesome if this big boss is attracted to me". Or even "oh he's the boss I can't say No"?? A combination of that and not getting attention at home? Also...the age thing. Attraction wise I honestly can see why my H would be attracted to a 20 year old, but cannot see how a 20 year old could be attracted to my H. Older, company exec....I don't doubt she loved him but I don't think if he was a truck driver that she would have been attracted to him physically or emotionally. In her case she also had affairs with two of her teachers (college). Again much older and positions above her. But I don't think she has sinister motives....but why does it happen ?

 

I'm sure some women do it to climb the ladder although I haven't seen that with the OW here so....what is it?