Every part of me hurts

[anika99]

Could the same be said for bs' that chose to reconcile? After all they've had their warning. Probably not. Unfortunately it is not that easy to shut yourself off from it all we all know that otherwise non of us would be posting here.

 

Ummm..well yeah. I guess if the MM tells his wife "all my emotions are with the OW so don't get emotional with me, but I'd like to still screw you from time to time" then the BS has been warned. I don't think many MM say such things to their wives though. Usually it falls anywhere between "the OW means nothing to me!" to "I'm confused, I have feelings for both of you".

[spideywoman]

I posted this on another thread, but it fits the conversation here..thoughts?

 

maybe she was attracted to his power, his position....that coupled with the attention and how he made her feel turned him into a sexy beast in her eyes

 

I'm going to say something unpopular and I don't mean it as an insult to OW and I don't mean everyone is like this. Ok? So just take with a grain of salt. Yes it applied to my situation..sooo

 

There has to be some reason that a lot of affair situations are MM boss/OW employee of a lesser rank. Usually with decent age difference too.

 

Like you say, some aren't very good looking at all. Is she flattered that a big wig boss would choose her to flirt with? Is there a certain sense of "I must be awesome if this big boss is attracted to me". Or even "oh he's the boss I can't say No"?? A combination of that and not getting attention at home? Also...the age thing. Attraction wise I honestly can see why my H would be attracted to a 20 year old, but cannot see how a 20 year old could be attracted to my H. Older, company exec....I don't doubt she loved him but I don't think if he was a truck driver that she would have been attracted to him physically or emotionally. In her case she also had affairs with two of her teachers (college). Again much older and positions above her. But I don't think she has sinister motives....but why does it happen ?

 

I'm sure some women do it to climb the ladder although I haven't seen that with the OW here so....what is it?

 

Don't remember the details of OP's story so not sure it applies here. You may have a point but what you describe assumes the OW in a way feels that she lacks self worth / success / is manipulative / willing to "sleep to the top" etc. ergo latching on to the more successful, older, not-so-good-looking MM. in real life i haven't been aware of many affairs around me but the few that i do know of broke this mold as in the people involved were in very similar situations, as was mine. xMM and i the same age and same level at the company. even though he's been at the company much longer and very well-respected, i have more gravitas with the highers up. looks wise? objectively i am "better" looking in the traditional sense. he's a bit pudgy and bald but still very charming, good looking and to me quite sexy. and, i make slightly more than he does. i fell in love with the man, not the position or what he could give me professionally or so that he could "save" me.

 

this is just my experience. interesting, though, what you write.

[aileD]

Don't remember the details of OP's story so not sure it applies here. You may have a point but what you describe assumes the OW in a way feels that she lacks self worth / success / is manipulative / willing to "sleep to the top" etc. ergo latching on to the more successful, older, not-so-good-looking MM. in real life i haven't been aware of many affairs around me but the few that i do know of broke this mold as in the people involved were in very similar situations, as was mine. xMM and i the same age and same level at the company. even though he's been at the company much longer and very well-respected, i have more gravitas with the highers up. looks wise? objectively i am "better" looking in the traditional sense. he's a bit pudgy and bald but still very charming, good looking and to me quite sexy. and, i make slightly more than he does. i fell in love with the man, not the position or what he could give me professionally or so that he could "save" me.

 

this is just my experience. interesting, though, what you write.

 

I definitely wasn't implying most OW are trying to sleep their way to the top....just was wondering if some subconscious dynamic is going on there. Daddy issues or something from childhood

[confusingme]

Wow, I never knew that NC could be "Not Difficult"

Well, main reason is my affair wasn't long. Now I actually appreciate my friend who spoke everything to his wife before giving me a heads up.

 

I'm really feeling so good.

I actually haven't thought much about him during these 3 weeks. I wasn't counting.

 

I'm starting my school, I'm studying for a test I need to take before I can choose classes. So I've been very busy. Spending hours on study. Have done pretty well on pretests. I'm confident I'll pass the tests.

 

Emotions are really strange.

And I know when people are under emotion fog, it's hard for other people to wake them up. Time seems to be the only thing that could help.

 

Right now, I'm totally focused on my study and have been enjoying it. I feel so good when I learn new knowledge, I feel good when I don't have expectations from other people, I have the control of my own life.

 

I used to think that the exOM would be always on my mind and the affair would be something to remember. Ironically, now, I see it as a mistake I made, a thing that I wish I could take back... A stain on my soul which I would always feel shameful for.

 

But, over all. I feel so much better than when I was in the affair.

Edited December 1, 2016 by confusingme
Addition

[aileD]

I'm glad you are feeling better!

 

You're focusing on YOU! That's so important.

 

I wish you happiness

[BoaConstrictor]

My affair was only emotional and also very short, and I still find it difficult. But the desire to contact him or the sadness ebbs and flows depending on the day and what is going on in my life. But I'm the MW to a single OM, so I guess take this with a grain of salt.

 

I actually came on this particular subforum because I needed to be reminded of all the reasons why it is cruel for me to contact him. And that I should not be "that *******" who strings him along even though I never intend to take our short emotional dalliance to another level.

[confusingme]

I'm glad you are feeling better!

 

You're focusing on YOU! That's so important.

 

I wish you happiness

 

Thank you aileD, it feels so really good when I am free spiritually.

I wish you happiness as well.

[confusingme]

My affair was only emotional and also very short, and I still find it difficult. But the desire to contact him or the sadness ebbs and flows depending on the day and what is going on in my life. But I'm the MW to a single OM, so I guess take this with a grain of salt.

 

I actually came on this particular subforum because I needed to be reminded of all the reasons why it is cruel for me to contact him. And that I should not be "that *******" who strings him along even though I never intend to take our short emotional dalliance to another level.

 

 

Dear BoaConstrictor, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in pain. I know it very clearly how you feel.

I know it's hard for you to move on right now.

But please trust me and trust people on this website say.

Don't contact him, it doesn't have to do with your marriage, it doesn't matter if your husband treats you right or if you feel lonely.

Please look up your local law see if your state (Not sure if you are in the US) is a "no-fault" state ? Especially if you have kids. What I did was I checked online and found out that my state is a "no-fault" state [which means that either party may seek a divorce without proving any reason for it other than the spouses don't want to be married anymore. The spouse seeking a divorce simply needs to state that the marriage is "irretrievably broken.",] however, if you are the one who is cheating, then it is likely that the judge will give the custody to your partner. As well as the finance division.

So anyway, I looked it up and I got really waken up. I asked myself "What am I doing ?" "For this man who can't even make the time for me to ride the ferris wheel ?"

You have to know that all you think about him is the good side of him, you haven't or you don't ever "want to" think the flaws he obtains. To sum up: He is not worth it.

You deserve a man who highly value you as a classy woman who would never bring you down in any possible way. If a man truly treasures you, but you are not free, he will consider the best for you and will not put you in any situation. He will not even tell you how he feels about you because it will only bring you trouble.

And now for me, if any man knows that I'm married but still is trying flirting me, I'd know very clear that this is not good despite the words they use are sweet.

Hope you have peace of mind in a short time.

[confusingme]

I like what Nelson Mandela said "I never lose, I either win or learn."

Even though I had a lot of pain during and after the A, even though I feel ashamed, I still appreciate myself, for having getting over everything. And I learned.

[confusingme]

So today when I drove past the Art Performing Center in my city, I stopped for a dad and his two daughters while they were crossing the street.

 

The daughters were about 7,8 years old. They were dressed up for the event I assume, adorable. And the dad, of course was very kind and loving.

 

After they walked across the street, the dad waved to me to thank me, and I started driving.

 

Then all a sudden, out from nowhere, the image of my exMM popped up in my mind.

 

I felt so strongly how his family had been important to him.

Just like the dad and the two daughters I just saw, that's the unbreakable love between a father and his children.

 

We the OWs are always wondering if we could be their #1 ? I really don't know. But I know his family, at least his kids, are always the #1 he wants to choose.

 

I don't know what I'm feeling about myself and him nowadays. I've 99% over it, yet I admit, he's still in my mind. It's just I'm not grieving anymore.

 

I unblocked him and his wife on my Facebook, and I saw his wife's profile picture has changed to a family picture they took from a Thanksgiving vacation.

Everyone looks happy.

 

After all, I never wanted to break a family.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I know the feeling. I've had those kinds of flashbacks many times in the past 4+ months of LC/NC. I can see more clearly who I became by engaging and continuing the A. And, I didn't like myself when it was going on.

 

The vast majority of OW probably never enter into the A with the ulterior motive of breaking the family. The reality of what you are doing as OW comes afterwards, when you are deep into the A fog.

 

It's only after mustering the strength to break it up, endure those moments of pain, loneliness and longing that you realize what you've done. It's scary, and the guilt and shame is overwhelming. It has been for me, at least.

 

It's only after you accept what you've done, and start working on getting yourself back that you can start to heal.

 

I know I'll never be the same person as I was before meeting him, and being in A with him. But, I learned to own my actions at the time of the A. It was hard. Still is sometimes when I think of it.

 

I keep moving forward. Loneliness without him is easier to live through than loneliness with him in the A as it was.

[confusingme]

I know the feeling. I've had those kinds of flashbacks many times in the past 4+ months of LC/NC. I can see more clearly who I became by engaging and continuing the A. And, I didn't like myself when it was going on.

 

The vast majority of OW probably never enter into the A with the ulterior motive of breaking the family. The reality of what you are doing as OW comes afterwards, when you are deep into the A fog.

 

It's only after mustering the strength to break it up, endure those moments of pain, loneliness and longing that you realize what you've done. It's scary, and the guilt and shame is overwhelming. It has been for me, at least.

 

It's only after you accept what you've done, and start working on getting yourself back that you can start to heal.

 

I know I'll never be the same person as I was before meeting him, and being in A with him. But, I learned to own my actions at the time of the A. It was hard. Still is sometimes when I think of it.

 

I keep moving forward. Loneliness without him is easier to live through than loneliness with him in the A as it was.

 

Thank you Onlywhenitrains, your words are so warm.

I cannot agree more that "Only when you decide to get yourself back, then you can start healing." and, "Loneliness without him is easier to live through than as it was."

I only started really healing after went complete NC.

It's been more about myself now.

I've been feeling good most of the time.

But I'm still in shock how the A can impact me, even when it was short...

 

However, we should try to be good to ourselves.

[Maddieandtae]

Confusingme isn't this romanticizing the married man somewhat? If he's having an affair he isn't choosing family or kids first.

 

He chose his needs first over his wife/children and yourself.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, I also had an affair and I chose myself over everyone during that time. It took me many years to own my behaviour and admit what I damage I inflicted on my family.

 

I found once I dropped the romanization thoughts and faced the reality of who I was I accepted how selfish I was, and that I found another selfish person to act incredibly selfish with and hurt many people.

 

It is great you are self reflecting, dig deeper and I'm betting other more important flashbacks will surface:)

Edited December 12, 2016 by Maddieandtae

[anika99]

Many years ago I was struggling with my own attraction to a married man who was heavily pursuing me. We clicked right away and I felt drawn to him. I had met his wife briefly early on before he started coming on to me and thought she was very pretty and warm.

 

Then he started coming on to me, my attraction to him grew and I found myself toying with the idea of messing around with him. One day he brought his young sons with him to where we worked. They were 10 and 8yr old boys. I had an 8yr old and 12yr old myself and I think he wanted to show his kids off to me or show himself off as being a good father. Whichever it was it was the best thing he could have done for me because seeing his cute little boys running around noisily and happily without a care in the world hit me hard. It was like somebody poured a bucket of ice water over my head and put my fire out.

 

After that I totally distanced myself from him. I was still polite and friendly but I cut out all the flirty nonsense. He took the hint and eventually left me alone. After seeing him with his kids I decided he was a selfish idiot. I saw firsthand the lives that were going to be hurt if he and I messed around and I wanted nothing to do with that. Cheating married men are not good fathers. Like I said, I think he was trying to impress me in some way when he brought his children around me but I was not impressed. It opened my eyes to the fact that he was not the man I was idolizing. He was just selfish and willing to risk the happiness of his innocent boys to get a little extra action. Yuck.

[DKT3]

Many years ago I was struggling with my own attraction to a married man who was heavily pursuing me. We clicked right away and I felt drawn to him. I had met his wife briefly early on before he started coming on to me and thought she was very pretty and warm.

 

Then he started coming on to me, my attraction to him grew and I found myself toying with the idea of messing around with him. One day he brought his young sons with him to where we worked. They were 10 and 8yr old boys. I had an 8yr old and 12yr old myself and I think he wanted to show his kids off to me or show himself off as being a good father. Whichever it was it was the best thing he could have done for me because seeing his cute little boys running around noisily and happily without a care in the world hit me hard. It was like somebody poured a bucket of ice water over my head and put my fire out.

 

After that I totally distanced myself from him. I was still polite and friendly but I cut out all the flirty nonsense. He took the hint and eventually left me alone. After seeing him with his kids I decided he was a selfish idiot. I saw firsthand the lives that were going to be hurt if he and I messed around and I wanted nothing to do with that. Cheating married men are not good fathers. Like I said, I think he was trying to impress me in some way when he brought his children around me but I was not impressed. It opened my eyes to the fact that he was not the man I was idolizing. He was just selfish and willing to risk the happiness of his innocent boys to get a little extra action. Yuck.

 

Nor are cheating MW good parents, during affairs.

[sandylee1]

I think your self reflection is very good. It will certainly help in your personal growth and development.

[confusingme]

I think your self reflection is very good. It will certainly help in your personal growth and development.

 

Thank you Sandylee. I certainly do feel this is the (only) good thing from the A. That I now have my eyes wide open and know who I am. What I can do. After 10 years, when I look back, I don't want to be regretted.I'll forgive my own mistake, because I learned from the mistake.

[confusingme]

Many years ago I was struggling with my own attraction to a married man who was heavily pursuing me. We clicked right away and I felt drawn to him. I had met his wife briefly early on before he started coming on to me and thought she was very pretty and warm.

 

Then he started coming on to me, my attraction to him grew and I found myself toying with the idea of messing around with him. One day he brought his young sons with him to where we worked. They were 10 and 8yr old boys. I had an 8yr old and 12yr old myself and I think he wanted to show his kids off to me or show himself off as being a good father. Whichever it was it was the best thing he could have done for me because seeing his cute little boys running around noisily and happily without a care in the world hit me hard. It was like somebody poured a bucket of ice water over my head and put my fire out.

 

After that I totally distanced myself from him. I was still polite and friendly but I cut out all the flirty nonsense. He took the hint and eventually left me alone. After seeing him with his kids I decided he was a selfish idiot. I saw firsthand the lives that were going to be hurt if he and I messed around and I wanted nothing to do with that. Cheating married men are not good fathers. Like I said, I think he was trying to impress me in some way when he brought his children around me but I was not impressed. It opened my eyes to the fact that he was not the man I was idolizing. He was just selfish and willing to risk the happiness of his innocent boys to get a little extra action. Yuck.

 

Hi anika, I know what you mean.

My exMM brought one of his sons to the park to meet me. He was 6, my exMM were sitting next to me on a bench while my daughter and his son were playing in the playground. The lil boy looked into my eyes with curiosity from time to time, which made me feel guilty, I couldn't look into his eyes...

Later that day we went to eat ice cream together. My daughter was too young to understand what we were doing...his son though, kept looking at me...

I admit that I had fun that day and it is still one of the few moments we had...But I felt the same as you stated above. I felt terribly sorry for my daughter, (and thought about how my husband would be hurt if he knew...as well as exMM's wife.)...It just hurt my heart so much.

 

We will have to let it go though...there is so much more pure joy out there for us to discover...Pure joy without any other's presence.

[DKT3]

Hi anika, I know what you mean.

My exMM brought one of his sons to the park to meet me. He was 6, my exMM were sitting next to me on a bench while my daughter and his son were playing in the playground. The lil boy looked into my eyes with curiosity from time to time, which made me feel guilty, I couldn't look into his eyes...

Later that day we went to eat ice cream together. My daughter was too young to understand what we were doing...his son though, kept looking at me...

I admit that I had fun that day and it is still one of the few moments we had...But I felt the same as you stated above. I felt terribly sorry for my daughter, (and thought about how my husband would be hurt if he knew...as well as exMM's wife.)...It just hurt my heart so much.

 

We will have to let it go though...there is so much more pure joy out there for us to discover...Pure joy without any other's presence.

Your daughter may have been too young to understand, but old enough to remember. While my wife never had my son around AP she made the mistake of having phone conversations with him. As my son grew and his mind matured he began to put the puzzle pieces together. Now my wife is dealing with full blown rage.

 

So don't assume all is clear on that front just yet.

[jah526]

All these stories about the children remind me of this one. I had met the guy somewhere and he brought his 3 year old daughter with him. I spent the next few hours taking care of her while she kept repeating how much she missed her mom. When they were leaving, he turned to me and said something about stopping by my place, right in front of his kid. The whole experienced sickened me. Apparently not enough, but reactions from the gut like this are things we should really pay attention to...

[sandylee1]

All these stories about the children remind me of this one. I had met the guy somewhere and he brought his 3 year old daughter with him. I spent the next few hours taking care of her while she kept repeating how much she missed her mom. When they were leaving, he turned to me and said something about stopping by my place, right in front of his kid. The whole experienced sickened me. Apparently not enough, but reactions from the gut like this are things we should really pay attention to...

 

Wow. I'm speechless.

[FoundMyStrength]

Whichever it was it was the best thing he could have done for me because seeing his cute little boys running around noisily and happily without a care in the world hit me hard. It was like somebody poured a bucket of ice water over my head and put my fire out.

 

This isn't a story about kids, but shortly after we went into LC, xMM decided to friend me on a social media account. I don't know if he just forgot, or didn't care, but as I'm aimlessly scrolling down his posts and pictures, there they are. Sets of pictures of his wedding, reception, and honeymoon. It was exactly as you described, like a bucket of ice water. Actually, it was more like I felt physically ill. They looked so happy, so genuinely happy. I couldn't bear to send any more emails, except for my NC email asking him to please, please never contact me again.

[sandylee1]

Thank you Sandylee. I certainly do feel this is the (only) good thing from the A. That I now have my eyes wide open and know who I am. What I can do. After 10 years, when I look back, I don't want to be regretted.I'll forgive my own mistake, because I learned from the mistake.

 

Your welcome.

 

Nobody can change the past, but self reflection is so valuable. It stops you making the same poor choice in the future, because you've learnt from it.

 

Many of us have done things we regret, but those who don't admit it or stand strong without introspection in the clear light of day are in the minority.

 

Onwards and upwards now.

[confusingme]

I've been really feeling good since I took control over my own reactions and actions.

However, I started feeling like my heart is closing if not has done.

Literally I feel like I'm not feeling anything personally people, especially male say to me.

Like I don't trust any single word they say.

I don't get mad at bad things they say or happy for good things they say.

It's like my emotions are totally shutted down.

It's been like this for couple weeks now.

There is a voice deep in my heart and mind says "Ok, whatever they say. Who cares."

But I'm not acting coldhearted. Still talk happily to people, get excited if something is funny.

I hope I said above makes sense to everyone.

Would be really good if anyone shares the same feelings.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've been really feeling good since I took control over my own reactions and actions.

However, I started feeling like my heart is closing if not has done.

Literally I feel like I'm not feeling anything personally people, especially male say to me.

Like I don't trust any single word they say.

I don't get mad at bad things they say or happy for good things they say.

It's like my emotions are totally shutted down.

It's been like this for couple weeks now.

There is a voice deep in my heart and mind says "Ok, whatever they say. Who cares."

But I'm not acting coldhearted. Still talk happily to people, get excited if something is funny.

I hope I said above makes sense to everyone.

Would be really good if anyone shares the same feelings.

 

I would not say my heart closed, I love my husband and my children but yes, I have major trust issues with men. I run a business and deal with people a lot and I generally now feel like men I meet/know fall in one of two categories - a paying client/referral source or trying to use me for something. I don't believe any of these guys I know are really my friends, even ones I've known for years. And new people, forget it. If a guy pays me money, I feel better, like he must respect me because while men will do a lot of things, they don't go hiring women just to try and sleep with them. (Or if they are, I am happy to take their money!) But otherwise, major trust issues.

 

I've pulled back from a lot of people, even my friends. I spend most of my time at home. I work at home so there is always something to do.

Edited December 17, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980