Considering divorce

[daisyheadmb]

My husband and I met over 22 years ago when I was 17 and he was 19. We've been married for 18 years. I don't know for sure if I want to leave him. He hasn't done anything lately that would be a huge deal-breaker. He's helpful around the house, has a full-time job, and takes part in the kids' lives. But he has an unbelievable temper, especially when it comes to the kids. He loses his temper with them at least once a day, most days more often. A few times he's gotten so out of control it was scary, though he's never hurt the kids to point of leaving marks. I've asked him to go to therapy for anger issues. It's not that he refuses to, he just hasn't made an effort to start the process. He changes jobs and/or careers at least every two years - most of the time to something that pays even less than the last job. He tried to kill himself 6.5 years ago because he thought I didn't love him anymore. I don't know whether that was true 6.5 years ago, but right now I don't think I do love him anymore. We more or less coexist with each other. We have sex occasionally because life is easier with him when he isn't sexually frustrated, but I don't enjoy myself. I have no family outside of my husband and 2 kids. All of my close friends live at least an 8 hour drive away. If I ended the marriage I'd be completely on my own. Is it enough for me to end my marriage because I'm unsure if I love him anymore and he hasn't done anything that would be a deal-breaker?

[Downtown]

A few times he's gotten so out of control it was scary, though he's never hurt the kids to point of leaving marks.

Daisy, welcome to LoveShack. It would help if you would explain what his being "out of control" means. Did he just do a lot of yelling? Also, does his temper problem triggered only by family members or, rather, by anyone? For example, does he show road rage on the highway and cuss at people he does business with?

[daisyheadmb]

Daisy, welcome to LoveShack. It would help if you would explain what his being "out of control" means. Did he just do a lot of yelling? Also, does his temper problem triggered only by family members or, rather, by anyone? For example, does he show road rage on the highway and cuss at people he does business with?

 

His anger is only a reaction to children's behavior. He mostly just yells a lot, sometimes just inches from their face really loud. His go-to reaction is to yell at the kids, no matter if it's the first time the kid has done what he's being yelled at for and "should know better". Once, he shoved our oldest up against the wall by his throat to make him stop doing something (but I can't even remember what that something was, I just now my husband was out of control and I was scared of him). He's also hit both kids for offenses that I would not consider warranting being hit for. Once he kicked our oldest because our oldest kicked our youngest. All of it just shows me he has no control over his anger.

[Downtown]

His anger is only a reaction to children's behavior. He mostly just yells a lot, sometimes just inches from their face really loud.... All of it just shows me he has no control over his anger.

Daisy, you say you've been married to him for 18 years and, during that time, his anger has not been directed at you. Instead, he has directed it only at the children by yelling. If he really had "no control over his anger" -- as you claim -- you should be able to tell us of numerous instances of him being verbally abusive to you too.

[daisyheadmb]

Daisy, you say you've been married to him for 18 years and, during that time, his anger has not been directed at you. Instead, he has directed it only at the children by yelling. If he really had "no control over his anger" -- as you claim -- you should be able to tell us of numerous instances of him being verbally abusive to you too.

 

Wow. Perhaps because I don't act like a child, he doesn't get angry with me. Perhaps he only picks on people who can't stick up for themselves. Based on what you're saying, you don't think I'm telling the truth.

[daisyheadmb]

As an example, he just yelled at our oldest for eating the ice from his drink. Why would that be something to yell at someone about without first asking them to stop if it's annoying you?

[mrs rubble]

His anger is only a reaction to children's behavior. He mostly just yells a lot, sometimes just inches from their face really loud. His go-to reaction is to yell at the kids, no matter if it's the first time the kid has done what he's being yelled at for and "should know better". Once, he shoved our oldest up against the wall by his throat to make him stop doing something (but I can't even remember what that something was, I just now my husband was out of control and I was scared of him). He's also hit both kids for offenses that I would not consider warranting being hit for. Once he kicked our oldest because our oldest kicked our youngest. All of it just shows me he has no control over his anger.

 

So he's held one child by his throat? He's hit both kids? He's kicked the oldest?. All of these are examples of assault, my ex-hubby was convicted for assault for doing exactly the same, my oldest called the police after he was restrained by his neck. I had him kicked out that day, and we split up over it. I too felt worried that things would go too far.

The yelling and verbal abuse will also be doing them a load of damage, trust me on this I know, I've have had to deal with the fallout.

[Downtown]

Based on what you're saying, you don't think I'm telling the truth.

What I'm saying is that, in the past 18 years, your H undoubtedly has gotten angry at you and dozens of other adults on numerous occasions -- without verbally abusing any of you. Hence, you're describing a man who has very good control over his anger -- but who chooses not to control it around his own children.

 

So, yes, I am disagreeing with your view that he has "no control over his anger." Moreover, you say he cannot hold a job for more than two years and tried to kill himself 6.5 years ago. You therefore seem to be describing unstable behavior that goes far beyond a temper problem.

[whichwayisup]

Well it seems he doesn't enjoy his own children, his behavior and the way he treats them (actions speak louder than words) is abusive! You say he doesn't do that to you because you stand up for yourself... Your kids are scared of their dad, no way are they gonna stand up to him in fear they will get beaten, or worse....

 

My question to you is, why are you not freaking out at him anytime he hits your children? It's not just a little smack on the butt, he's choking and being way too cruel to them, out of his own anger and irritation. Kids aren't doing anything wrong, but even if they did do something wrong beating them isn't the answer.

 

Your husband needs professional help. Eventually his anger will get worse and some day he will hit you.

[Fix Your Marriage]

daisyheadmb - I am sorry to hear about your situation.

 

As a married man, a father who occasionally yells at his kids and a helper of marriages - I can tell you his behaviour is a symptom of something much deeper.

 

Please note - I am in no way making an excuse or justifying your husband's behaviour in this post. I am simply offering a different perspective and possible solutions to help you, your kids and your husband to solve this problem.

 

Everything you mentioned - Yelling, losing his temper, changing jobs, lack of effort, and attempt at suicide... These are all symptoms of a guy who is hurting on the inside and he needs help.

 

This is probably not about you or the kids - but about him and how he feels about himself. This has more to do with self-esteem and self-worth... a negative self-image.

He probably does not feel loved or respected and when he looks in the mirror - he may not even respect himself.

His self-esteem is shot and his self-worth is non-existent.

And he is probably harder on himself when he loses his temper - feeling ashamed for what he does and says when he loses his control - which makes everything even worse.

 

He does love his kids and he disappoints himself when he loses it.

 

Look - His job probably does not give him fulfilment. His kids (being kids) seem to disrespect him when they don't listen. He knows his marriage is on the rocks and that his wife does not like him. Not only that - he feels frustrated with no real direction or choices on how to make it better. He feels unloved, disrespected and stuck.

 

This is a really dark place for a man to be.

 

The result - all of this internal chaos and disappointment in himself and his situation manifests itself as this destructive behaviour, directed at everyone else, as you described. Its sad because on the outside he looks like a maniac who loses control and yells at his kids but on the inside he's a good guy whos stuck - struggling to do the right thing, feeling alone and trying to figure it out on his own.

 

Clearly you are a good woman, wife and mother. You have hung in there for a long time... That is admirable!

Unless you and the kids are in danger - I would urge you to help him to help himself. I believe he can be the man you need him to be... The man he needs himself to be.

 

Divorce is an answer - but not always the best answer. I always ask my clients: Do you really want a divorce? Or do you really want an amazing marriage built on love, respect and to raise a great family? Most of the time its the latter.

 

If you still have it in you - hang in there a bit longer and try something new.

 

Think about it - If you guys can get through this, your marriage will be exponentially better. Not only will your husband stop yelling at the kids - but he will become a better father and husband. You guys will have a completely new marriage. Your kids will be better off having their "happy" mom and dad raising them together. You guys will be heros - an inspiration for other couples going through tough times.

 

If you do have it in you - Here is what I would suggest?

 

1. Empathize with him. Understand that his behaviour is a symptom of a deeper issue(s) he has going on inside. He feels out of control of his life - out of alignment. Help him get back to being the man he is meant to be.

 

2. Help him get help. A life coach, a counselor, books, videos or an online course to give him inspiration and hope that things can be different. That he can become the "captain of his ship" once again. Videos from Tony Robbins or Larry Winget are free and an easy way to get a new perspective.

 

3. Connect - Physically and emotionally. Go have some fun. Laugh. Keep it light and don't talk about any of the heavy stuff. Act like kids again. Happy people don't fight, yell at their kids and have better sex. Laughter is magic. It may take a while but make the effort to connect.

 

4. Help him become a better man. Help him to get his mojo back. Help him get his confidence back. Help him to understand he is loved and appreciated. A man who is confident and firing on all cylinders - makes a great husband and father.

 

I could go on but this would be a good start.

 

Lastly, this is not just a bunch of theory. This is real advice from the trenches. My wife and I separated and divorced for 3 years. Fortunately we managed to put our marriage and our family back together. It turns out we are much better off together - for each other and for our kids.

 

You can save your marriage and your family if that is what you really want.

 

Good luck with everything and I hope you found this helpful.

Edited October 23, 2016 by Fix Your Marriage

[Calmandfocused]

Oh my goodness.

 

Please don't Minimalise how your husband is treating your children. What he's doing is abusive and the sooner you realise this the better.

 

As their mother it is your duty to protect them. That means doing whatever it takes to ensure that anyone (even their own father) do not damage them in any way.

 

If you turn a blind eye and allow this to continue I guarantee you that your children will eventually hold you somewhat ( if not wholly) responsible for this in the future.

 

I'm a very nurturing mother but god help anyone who even threatens my kids. My stbxh has been on the receiving end of my wrath many a time when Ive believed my children to be at risk.

 

Lose your fear. Become the angry lioness and protect your offspring.

[Gr8fuln2020]

My husband and I met over 22 years ago when I was 17 and he was 19. We've been married for 18 years. I don't know for sure if I want to leave him. He hasn't done anything lately that would be a huge deal-breaker. He's helpful around the house, has a full-time job, and takes part in the kids' lives. But he has an unbelievable temper, especially when it comes to the kids. He loses his temper with them at least once a day, most days more often. A few times he's gotten so out of control it was scary, though he's never hurt the kids to point of leaving marks. I've asked him to go to therapy for anger issues. It's not that he refuses to, he just hasn't made an effort to start the process. He changes jobs and/or careers at least every two years - most of the time to something that pays even less than the last job. He tried to kill himself 6.5 years ago because he thought I didn't love him anymore. I don't know whether that was true 6.5 years ago, but right now I don't think I do love him anymore. We more or less coexist with each other. We have sex occasionally because life is easier with him when he isn't sexually frustrated, but I don't enjoy myself. I have no family outside of my husband and 2 kids. All of my close friends live at least an 8 hour drive away. If I ended the marriage I'd be completely on my own. Is it enough for me to end my marriage because I'm unsure if I love him anymore and he hasn't done anything that would be a deal-breaker?

 

I don't understand how it is that you begin this post by saying that he hasn't done anything 'lately' that would be a huge deal-breaker. It sounds like he's done plenty...verbal, physical abuse towards you and your children. Tried to commit suicide b/c he thought you didn't love him...could this not be him emotionally manipulating you?

 

What Fix_Your_Marriage has to say could be reasonable except this has been happening for years. Most marriages do not end in divorce and then getting back together again...that is incredibly rare and for most a recipe for another divorce. Your husband certainly needs help, but it is with a professional and provided he feels he needs it. He may be hurting, but that is NO excuse for his behavior at your and your children's expense. I am not certain how old your children are, but the damage may already be done.

 

Get in contact with your friends and let them know what is happening. Start securing a safe place to go. If your husband continues with this bull-poop, you need to plan an out and if he truly loves you, he will need to do this w/o the kids and you in the same house. Stay connected and support him, but if he continues this abuse, you (and your children) should not be in the same house while he works on himself.

 

OMG.

[anika99]

Your husband is damaging your children. It's not even so much the physical abuse, although that is horrible enough, he is emotionally and mentally hurting them. I had a miserable angry stepfather who would only physically assault me on rare occasions, but I was constantly critisized and screamed at. Almost always for the most inane things. I remember once he gave me a jelly filled donut and some of the jelly came out of the bottom and dripped on my blouse. He totally went off on me, swearing and screaming at me, demanding to know why I had let jelly drip on me and getting even more angry when I just sat in silence because I didn't even know how to answer that question. I wasonly 8yrs old. He squashed my childish exuberance, stole my joy and damaged my soul. That is what your husband is doing to your children. He's is making their home life miserable and he is making sure they will have plenty of issues when they reach adulthood. Yet you don't think his behaviour is a deal breaker and are only thinking of leaving because you don't love him anymore and you wonder if that's a good enough reason. Who cares? It doesn't matter how you feel about him, protecting your children is the only thing that should matter to you. If you love your children you will save them from their miserable father.

[LastAcorn99]

I’m so sorry about your situation. Any person with uncontrolled anger is unsafe to be around. I would strongly suggest that you encourage your husband to seek help. I would also recommend that you consider counseling as a family. Take care!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Daisy, you've been given a lot of good advice here. I particularly liked what Fix your marriage had to say except that as a family, you would need a lot of professional help apart from what you can achieve on the personal front. What Calm and Anika have had to say is also very relevant. Your husband very definitely needs professional help for him to be able to overcome the problems that he is facing.

 

I wanted to know how long his anger issues have been severe enough to be noted by you. What was he like in the early years of your marriage? Was there any traumatic event in your lives that triggered this kind of behaviour on his part? How old are your children and how many do you have? Financially are you comfortable or are you just about scraping the bottom? Do you work or are you a SAHM/W? Is there any infidelity involved either on your part or that of your husband? Why did he feel that you did not love him 6.5 years ago? What was the trigger? How would you describe your marriage over the years starting from the Honeymoon phase through the early years to the point in the last 8 or 9 years onwards? When did you notice that you two were drifting apart?

 

I am not sure if you have given up completely on your husband and marriage or not. However the problems you have mentioned are not complete deal breakers. I am not sure whether you have been pulling your weight in trying to resolve the problems that you and your husband including your children are facing. By that I mean whether you have been proactive in trying to resolve these problems or whether you have been more passive in handling and facing up to them. I am not excusing your husband of his temper or his unreasonable behaviour. He owns all of it. What I am saying is that you have a 50% stake in your marriage and any decision to end it will have a profound effect on your family. It is therefore incumbent on you to put in your best effort to resolve the problems that beset your family and especially the problems your husband is facing with his dysfunctional behaviour. You may have to take the lead to get him to a professional who can help him if he himself is not making an effort to do so. I do not agree with those posters who want you to go on a warpath with your husband because, after all, he is your husband. He is ( not yet) your enemy. Only when you have exhausted all the means at your disposal should you think of divorce and start treating your husband as an enemy. Read Jennifer's thread. It will give you an idea of the kind of problems that people face and yet do not throw in the towel.

 

I would also suggest you order the book 'Psycho-Cybernetics' by Dr. Maxwell Maltz which can help your husband make a complete change over in his personality from his current one. This book is worth it's weight in gold. What Fix your Marriage has suggested dovetails into what I am suggesting here. Finally, this is your life and what you make of it is up to you. Divorce sometimes, is just an escape and not a true solution. I guess we all have to face up to our problems at some point in our lives as otherwise we will continue to live as escapists without having addressed the problems that are thrown our way to help us grow as people. Hope some of this helps you to find your way forward. Warm wishes.

Edited October 26, 2016 by Just a Guy