Ahurtgirl Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 It surprises me how many people in traditional marriages recommend disclosing to the spouse. Having a gay husband I talked to him about my married lover and we both had hopes it was going to work out between my xMM and myself. It did not as he apparently still loved his wife. However, I know three families that two of the husbands committed suicide once finding out about their wives affairs and another that the husband killed his wife and then himself. They were all in pretty average marriages and non of them were abusive before crimes of passion ended lives. Just concerns me when I read so many people advising others to disclose their affairs knowing how dangerous that decision can be. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 It surprises me how many people in traditional marriages recommend disclosing to the spouse. Having a gay husband I talked to him about my married lover and we both had hopes it was going to work out between my xMM and myself. It did not as he apparently still loved his wife. However, I know three families that two of the husbands committed suicide once finding out about their wives affairs and another that the husband killed his wife and then himself. They were all in pretty average marriages and non of them were abusive before crimes of passion ended lives. Just concerns me when I read so many people advising others to disclose their affairs knowing how dangerous that decision can be. I understand the concern, but shouldn't AP's be thinking this way as well? That what they are participating in could lead to this sort of 'crimes of passion.' I've always told my WH he is lucky I never killed him because some people go to those lengths. Having an A in the first place is playing with fire! 9 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Those are some extreme examples, but I agree disclosing everything is not always the best thing to do as is often advised. There is a time and place for everything. Sometimes it's simply not the time or the place - especially for the OM or OW - to run and go tell it. Of course, it's best to not get involved in an affair at all. Avoid all of those problems. Still, if you find yourself in that situation, it pays to be prudent in how you extricate yourself from it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Well yeah, there's also the option of not disclosing, your partner finds out anyway because most people are sloppy af, then you get your head blown off in your sleep without even knowing the reason. Some people have been killed for asking for a divorce. Some people have been killed because their partner wanted to start new with the AP. Crimes of passion can happen to anyone at anytime, it's not a good excuse to keep it a secret forever. Plus, things like that rarely stay hidden for long anyway. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I don't know how anybody can claim to love their SO and then outright lie to them like that. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Those are very extreme examples. Cheating happens quite often and I would say a very very small percentage result in suicide or murder. I am surprised you know multiple examples first hand, as I know a number of couples affected by cheating and none had such an extreme response. Why tell? Because if you want to stay married, and fix the marriage you have to. I didn't plan to tell my husband. I tried to "fix" things without him knowing - and that wasn't really working. I was way too much of a coward to straight come out and tell him. But he isn't stupid, he knew something was up, and when he got the courage to ask, I told. And we are better for it. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I know three families... these are all extremes though; disclosing the affair isn't a life threatening decision, no... & it is the best call if a couple truly wants to save the marriage. obviously -- there are some exceptions. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 It surprises me how many people in traditional marriages recommend disclosing to the spouse. Having a gay husband I talked to him about my married lover and we both had hopes it was going to work out between my xMM and myself. It did not as he apparently still loved his wife. However, I know three families that two of the husbands committed suicide once finding out about their wives affairs and another that the husband killed his wife and then himself. They were all in pretty average marriages and non of them were abusive before crimes of passion ended lives. Just concerns me when I read so many people advising others to disclose their affairs knowing how dangerous that decision can be. But the thing is. It isn't the disclosure that causes them to do these things it was the affair... 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Joie Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 For us my husband told me for many reasons. First, it is impossible to fix our problems if only one of us knows the problem. We tried to "fix" things without him disclosing. It doesn't work. We could only get so far. Second, the guilt. Guilt and worry were taking up a great deal of his thoughts. Constantly worrying that I would find out even though the affair was over was stressing him out. Lying to someone everyday isn't how he wanted to live his life. He didn't tell me to hurt me. He told me so that we could figure out what we were going to do. He told me knowing that it may end our marriage. But the half marriage we were living wasn't enough for him or me. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Marriages are built on a foundation of honesty, trust and respect. Without any of these characteristics, there is no marriage. All you are left with is make believe, except in cases of infidelity, only one person is privileged enough to know they are playing make believe. That in my humble opinion is unspeakably cruel, because the wandering spouse is stealing the most precious thing we have... time. Every day without a confession is another day stolen from a betrayed spouse, and that is something that can never be given back. HCBM also hit the nail on the head. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Pretty much everyone I know as either cheated or been cheated on at some point in their lives and yet I don't personally know anyone who has committed murder or suicide so I would say it's not the norm, although it does happen. But I do find it amazing that you personally know of 3 families where affairs have led to murder/suicide and yet you still have decided to engage in an affair. If you think people should protect themselves by not disclosing an affair then don't you also think they should protect themselves by not engaging in an affair in the first place? I think most affairs are discovered rather than disclosed. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I think you would know if your spouse was the type to kill you. I am alive. I didn't even get hit. When people give that advice, its a general statement. If a person is in an abusive relationship, that is a whole other problem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I've said before, my brother (only sibling) took his own life as a result of adultery. When something like this happens you never recover. You learn to live with it but the emotional carnage is unimaginable. Oh I can't even start to list the "if only", "what if", "I wish!" OMG the things I wish! I didn't just loose my brother I lost my parents too. My whole family. Things like this you analyze, you analyze more than you thought you could ever analyze anything. My SIL says that her husband killed himself because a friend told him about her adultery NOT because of her actions. (Yeh! Some of us can twist & turn anything to be anyone's fault but their own.) My brother didn't sit a slowly kill himself pill by pill because he found out that his wife had been unfaithful. It took nearly a year to break him down, shatter him to pieces. The lies, the cruelty. Imagine day by day, nearly a whole year of being made to believe that you are insane & destroying your family because you're insecure?!? Imagine knowing something so agonizing is true but being made to doubt yourself & your instincts, every single day??! I could list the cruelties that she used to deceive him & the things she said!!! The truly sad thing is the actual truth. My SIL was obsessed with my brother from her mid teens. It took her YEARS to get him. She loved, cherished & adored him! She hit an age. Started chatting on the internet. Had an EA with a man in a foreign country. She finally decided to meet him. Took their 2 youngest children with her, leaving the oldest with her Mum for the weekend. So dangerous!!! She didn't know him & anything could of happened... Anyway, he was telling lies about everything. She didn't want him! It was all too late. When you think an affair is fun & taking little kids around AP does no harm, picture my niece in hysterics, crying until she couldn't breath apologizing for going because "If she hadn't met him Daddy would still be alive. It's all my fault for going!". Oh the mess! Everyone is so screwed-up. My brother WAS NOT mentally 'defective' in some way. He did NOT have underlying mental problems (unless you consider living for your family an illness) He was broken by the slow destruction of his self worth. The lies. I know this to be true by living through it. I know this through sitting-up all night talking to my brother. (The last thing he said was he wished I was home in England to talk to). I know because I truly wanted to die after the mind games my H inflicted on me. The day I learnt that my H was having an affair was a RELIEF!! I felt like a 10 ton weight had been lifted. I finally understood what the hell had been going on in my life for the last 9 months. Why do people think that the intolerable agony comes from the infidelity?? I used to believe that I was very empathic. I've learnt that there are things in life that people truly believe that they can understand but unless you experience it first hand you really can't. The suicide of a precious loved one is one. Being betrayed, demeaned & treated as insignificant by the love of your life is another. I didn't want to die because I was worried that I would loose my social standing or I'd be embarrassed (were isolated & have none) It's not money (we don't have much of that either!) I lost our love story. The man I have loved passionately & totally, ROMANTICALLY, completely lied to me & treated me like crap. Triggers!!!! Oh so many triggers!!!! I could write a book on the utter devastation of all this s**t. Who actually gets out HAPPY?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Borrowing an analogy... If you saw someone at the park on a hot sunny summer day eating a chocolate ice cream cone and smiling.... but you knew inside that scope of ice cream was a turd... would you tell them? Or would you say 'it's not my business'? Could you watch them eat it? Would you not want to know if it was you? Even if they got uncontrollably angry and shot the ice cream vender.... Their reaction is their own. Even if the nod and say 'I already know.' and keep eating. That's their decision make. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 But I do find it amazing that you personally know of 3 families where affairs have led to murder/suicide and yet you still have decided to engage in an affair. :D:D She must live in a very dangerous area. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 But the thing is. It isn't the disclosure that causes them to do these things it was the affair... No, it isn't the affair, nor the disclosure. It's the dysfunctional personality that resorts to violence as an answer, just as it's the dysfunctional personality that led to having the affair in the first place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 It surprises me how many people in traditional marriages recommend disclosing to the spouse. Having a gay husband I talked to him about my married lover and we both had hopes it was going to work out between my xMM and myself. It did not as he apparently still loved his wife. However, I know three families that two of the husbands committed suicide once finding out about their wives affairs and another that the husband killed his wife and then himself. They were all in pretty average marriages and non of them were abusive before crimes of passion ended lives. Just concerns me when I read so many people advising others to disclose their affairs knowing how dangerous that decision can be. Confessing didn't cause it, the affair did. As long as we are on the subject here is abit of information. Roughly 30% of the women murdered in the US are killed by MM.... interesting 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 "While 1 out of 5 people fear the possibility of being murdered, the odds that a person will be murdered in any given year are about 1 in 18,690. According to the FBI, violent crime is now at a near-historic low. A person is more likely to die slipping in his or her bathtub, which occurs at a rate of 1 in 11,469." Source: Deadly Statistics The vast majority of murder victims in the US are <40 year-old males who were murdered by other males. If you personally know someone who is murdered, you're by far the exception and not the rule. Murder is relatively very very very rare. There's a link to the FBI statistics from the source. But I think it's something like less than 10% of all murder victims are female. I remember reading that your chance of getting struck by lightning is about 1 in 12000. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Confessing didn't cause it, the affair did. As long as we are on the subject here is abit of information. Roughly 30% of the women murdered in the US are killed by MM.... interesting My cousin was shot 5 times, her brother taken hostage & my H had a Uncle & brother that have committed suicide over A...things do happen...& NO crime doesn't happen bc of an A, it happens bc the people were mentally not right. An affair doesn't make someone "crazy" they were that way already deep down. OP....I told my H about my A bc I wanted to force a change. Either our marriage was going to be over or we were going to reconcile...I couldn't continue with the way things were. I was scared about sucide bc of his family's history but I told him...if you do that, all you'll be doing is hurting the kids (his uncle & brother had no kids) & they won't remember you & I'll just tell them you died in a car accident. I know that sounds cold but it would have been the truth...& I knew I was telling him so I had already booked a marriage therapist & IC for both of us to be proactive. He had always said no to therapy in the past but he had agreed this time. So even with our family history, to tell worked out for us...but in some instances I think it may not be in the best interest to tell...my cousin should have never told! We knew he'd pull something & our whole family warned her not to tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Yes there are underlying reasons a person commits suicide than the adultery. Yet the suicide occured because the person who should have protected them, who vowed to do so, chose instead to destroy them. If the adultery had not occurred, if instead the WS had divorced first before the EA/PA the person might still be alive. Might be alive, no one will know and that is on the WS. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I think disclosing the A is important if one is serious about fixing the relationship. For a person to have an A, there are underlying reasons and issues that they probably dont want to face so they seek escape elsewhere. The only way forward is to address those issues. If that is not the motive then I dont see it necessary to tell about the A. Some people do it to relieve their conscience regardless of how it affects the other person, or to be spiteful, or to seek attention. These are all the wrong reasons IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LargoLagg Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Borrowing an analogy... If you saw someone at the park on a hot sunny summer day eating a chocolate ice cream cone and smiling.... but you knew inside that scope of ice cream was a turd... would you tell them? Or would you say 'it's not my business'? Could you watch them eat it? Would you not want to know if it was you? Even if they got uncontrollably angry and shot the ice cream vender.... Their reaction is their own. Even if the nod and say 'I already know.' and keep eating. That's their decision make.I think your analogy is imperfect. First, that's why the word schadenfreude was coined. In French, it is joie mauvaise. Lots of other languages describe exactly the same idea. So sure, some people would watch that unfold with total satisfaction. I suppose it also depends on who this "someone" is to you. However, the original question was not about telling "someone", it was telling your own spouse. So the setup in your hypothetical needs to be modified in three ways to match: 1) You put the turd in the ice cream 2) That someone is your spouse 3) There's a decent chance that they'll never taste it, even if they eat the entire thing Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 My cousin was shot 5 times, her brother taken hostage & my H had a Uncle & brother that have committed suicide over A...things do happen...& NO crime doesn't happen bc of an A, it happens bc the people were mentally not right. An affair doesn't make someone "crazy" they were that way already deep down. OP....I told my H about my A bc I wanted to force a change. Either our marriage was going to be over or we were going to reconcile...I couldn't continue with the way things were. I was scared about sucide bc of his family's history but I told him...if you do that, all you'll be doing is hurting the kids (his uncle & brother had no kids) & they won't remember you & I'll just tell them you died in a car accident. I know that sounds cold but it would have been the truth...& I knew I was telling him so I had already booked a marriage therapist & IC for both of us to be proactive. He had always said no to therapy in the past but he had agreed this time. So even with our family history, to tell worked out for us...but in some instances I think it may not be in the best interest to tell...my cousin should have never told! We knew he'd pull something & our whole family warned her not to tell. Yes things like affairs, losing loved one and such do cause mental breaks, trauma usually is what's causes mental instability. What are you saying? Unbelievable Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I tried to go back to my marriage and make it work after a short EA. It didnt work. I am now divorced (and with my AP, who also attempted reconcilliation without disclosure). I tried my very best to be a good wife and (over)compensate my H for the A. Thing is, it wasnt fair game. He didnt know what he was up against. He didnt even know we were fighting for our marriage. I was still being untruthful. While I had no contact with my ap, and I was being sweet and attentive towards my H, my heart was breaking for my AP. Every. Single. Day. I was still putting on an act, smiling when I wanted to cry, making ans with my H, while having my AP.constantly on my mind. It was lost before it began. Now, had I told him, maybe we would have made full recovery. I will never know and I carry the guilt of maybe. I know I could have done more to fight for my marriage. I should have given my H the chance to make his own informed decision. You may think these are crocodile tears because I got my happy ending. Well, I still feel pain and guilt for messing up the lives of six children-and two innocent spouses. The fact that I didnt disclose and gave R a chance prevents me from saying, nope, marriage was beyond repair. It's my burden, I caused it. Now I believe that there can be no true recovery without disclosure. It just leaves the affair inside the marriage,.while disclosure allows the couple to remove it from their lives together. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Yes things like affairs, losing loved one and such do cause mental breaks, trauma usually is what's causes mental instability. What are you saying? Unbelievable If there is absolutely no excuse for an affair...then there's no excuse for violence. It's not unbelievable...it's reality. Just as has been said on here a thousand times...no matter what happens in one's marriage gives no excuse for an affair...same standard in violence no matter what happens violence isn't an excuse. My cousins husband got 30 years for attempted murder & taking a hostage...do you think the jury cares what so ever that he was cheated on. No different than a court not caring why a WS cheated 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts