Why tell your husband or wife if you have had affair?

[Whoknew30]

Yes there are underlying reasons a person commits suicide than the adultery. Yet the suicide occured because the person who should have protected them, who vowed to do so, chose instead to destroy them.

 

If the adultery had not occurred, if instead the WS had divorced first before the EA/PA the person might still be alive. Might be alive, no one will know and that is on the WS.

 

I don't think so...it's ultimately on the person who committed suicide. If my H had done it, it would have been on him. A divorce would have been "on me" but not his choice to take his own life...that would have strictly his choice. I've talked to my ex SIL & she does not blame herself, nor should she.

[wmacbride]

It surprises me how many people in traditional marriages recommend disclosing to the spouse. Having a gay husband I talked to him about my married lover and we both had hopes it was going to work out between my xMM and myself. It did not as he apparently still loved his wife. However, I know three families that two of the husbands committed suicide once finding out about their wives affairs and another that the husband killed his wife and then himself. They were all in pretty average marriages and non of them were abusive before crimes of passion ended lives. Just concerns me when I read so many people advising others to disclose their affairs knowing how dangerous that decision can be.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but if my spouse hadn't been honest, and I'd found out about the A in some other way I would never, ever have been able to trust him again.

 

It's not the truth that destroys, it's the A itself.

[Cyra]

I can't speak for anyone else, but if my spouse hadn't been honest, and I'd found out about the A in some other way I would never, ever have been able to trust him again.

 

It's not the truth that destroys, it's the A itself.

 

Just out of interest, are you able to FULLY trust him now?

Have you truly forgiven him?

Is there not a worry at the back of your mind that he might do it again?

[wmacbride]

I think your analogy is imperfect. First, that's why the word schadenfreude was coined. In French, it is joie mauvaise. Lots of other languages describe exactly the same idea. So sure, some people would watch that unfold with total satisfaction. I suppose it also depends on who this "someone" is to you.

 

However, the original question was not about telling "someone", it was telling your own spouse.

 

So the setup in your hypothetical needs to be modified in three ways to match:

 

1) You put the turd in the ice cream

2) That someone is your spouse

3) There's a decent chance that they'll never taste it, even if they eat the entire thing

 

so you'd be okay with watching them is an iced crap cone and not knowing? then when they get sick, what will you say? A lie to cover your actions?

 

This type pf response shows the mind of a cheater. it really does show a lack of understanding and empathy. The fact that some could harm their spouse by cheating and just sit back and watch is, to be frank, disgusting. It really is.

 

Of course, many ws will rationalize this by saying "what they don't know won't hurt them" is simply not true.

[wmacbride]

I tried to go back to my marriage and make it work after a short EA. It didnt work. I am now divorced (and with my AP, who also attempted reconcilliation without disclosure).

I tried my very best to be a good wife and (over)compensate my H for the A. Thing is, it wasnt fair game. He didnt know what he was up against. He didnt even know we were fighting for our marriage. I was still being untruthful. While I had no contact with my ap, and I was being sweet and attentive towards my H, my heart was breaking for my AP. Every. Single. Day.

I was still putting on an act, smiling when I wanted to cry, making ans with my H, while having my AP.constantly on my mind. It was lost before it began.

Now, had I told him, maybe we would have made full recovery. I will never know and I carry the guilt of maybe. I know I could have done more to fight for my marriage. I should have given my H the chance to make his own informed decision.

You may think these are crocodile tears because I got my happy ending. Well, I still feel pain and guilt for messing up the lives of six children-and two innocent spouses. The fact that I didnt disclose and gave R a chance prevents me from saying, nope, marriage was beyond repair. It's my burden, I caused it.

Now I believe that there can be no true recovery without disclosure. It just leaves the affair inside the marriage,.while disclosure allows the couple to remove it from their lives together.

 

This is very insightful.

An A is,in effect, punishing a bs and any children for something they know nothing about. That is a cruel action.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Iamsosad:

 

Are you still in contact with the MOM? How is your husband doing? Has he gotten serious yet with someone? How has he improved as a SO?

 

I sensed a great deal of resentment early on in your thread. Did he ever grow?

[purplesorrow]

Not telling is just the continued selfishness and cowardice Of the affair. The ws has already unilaterally decided to open up their spouse to other sexual partners. Not telling takes away their choice to be in a relationship with someone who lies and cheats. Kind of pathetic to keep someone in a relationship that way.

Edited October 22, 2016 by purplesorrow

[ShatteredLady]

I don't think so...it's ultimately on the person who committed suicide. If my H had done it, it would have been on him. A divorce would have been "on me" but not his choice to take his own life...that would have strictly his choice. I've talked to my ex SIL & she does not blame herself, nor should she.

 

 

There's all the difference in the world between wanting to divorce someone & wanting to deceive & abuse someone whilst denying what's going on in their life.

 

No-one should stay in a miserable marriage from fear of suicide.

 

In my experience infidelity is not the same thing as divorce. They're not related at all. I know in some situations it's an exit affair.

 

I've experienced WS's who justify their behavior to themselves & diminish their guilt by kicking their partner in the gutter, again & again & again. Everything in the world was my fault.

 

Ok call me stupid for not somehow knowing my H was having an A. He's my H of 20 years. I trusted him! We've grown-up together. I was very isolated with 2 little children. I was heavily medicated, recovering from emergency, life saving surgery. I truly felt like I was loosing my mind.

 

Cries for attention are heart breaking & very dangerous. Again, different thing.

 

Until you've known what it's like to want to die just to make the pain stop you don't know. It's not 'crazy', it's very calm, very resigned, a conscious choice that death is better than life. That can be DONE TO another human being.

[gettingstronger]

It surprises me how many people in traditional marriages recommend disclosing to the spouse. Having a gay husband I talked to him about my married lover and we both had hopes it was going to work out between my xMM and myself. It did not as he apparently still loved his wife. However, I know three families that two of the husbands committed suicide once finding out about their wives affairs and another that the husband killed his wife and then himself. They were all in pretty average marriages and non of them were abusive before crimes of passion ended lives. Just concerns me when I read so many people advising others to disclose their affairs knowing how dangerous that decision can be.

 

Wait, you had this happen in your life and you still had a relationship with someone's husband? That's risky.

[Whoknew30]

There's all the difference in the world between wanting to divorce someone & wanting to deceive & abuse someone whilst denying what's going on in their life.

 

No-one should stay in a miserable marriage from fear of suicide.

 

In my experience infidelity is not the same thing as divorce. They're not related at all. I know in some situations it's an exit affair.

 

I've experienced WS's who justify their behavior to themselves & diminish their guilt by kicking their partner in the gutter, again & again & again. Everything in the world was my fault.

 

Ok call me stupid for not somehow knowing my H was having an A. He's my H of 20 years. I trusted him! We've grown-up together. I was very isolated with 2 little children. I was heavily medicated, recovering from emergency, life saving surgery. I truly felt like I was loosing my mind.

 

Cries for attention are heart breaking & very dangerous. Again, different thing.

 

Until you've known what it's like to want to die just to make the pain stop you don't know. It's not 'crazy', it's very calm, very resigned, a conscious choice that death is better than life. That can be DONE TO another human being.

 

Mental instability has nothing to do with being "calm" or not.

 

I was a teen wife also on major meds, in & out of the hospital with (what they told me a terminal illness) & a new born, with a H that was cheating..so yes I've had experience with life changing struggles..."thinking" about something & actually doing it are two different things. Though if you would have, the action would have been a 100% your choice..It would not have been "done" to you.

[DKT3]

If there is absolutely no excuse for an affair...then there's no excuse for violence. It's not unbelievable...it's reality. Just as has been said on here a thousand times...no matter what happens in one's marriage gives no excuse for an affair...same standard in violence no matter what happens violence isn't an excuse. My cousins husband got 30 years for attempted murder & taking a hostage...do you think the jury cares what so ever that he was cheated on. No different than a court not caring why a WS cheated

 

I'm not talking about excuses, I'm talking about you saying affairs don't cause people to be "crazy" this is absolutely false, trauma causes mental breaks for a large percentage of people thus the temporary insanity in our court of law, I often this crimes are deemed less severe due to the trauma causes and the mental departure from a person's norm.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm saying that a string of events resulted in my brother dead on the sofa.

 

Of course it was his choice. He tried once, failed (only his doctor knew) & did it again 2 days later & succeeded. In his mental state he believed that his loved ones would be better without him. He believed that living was intolerable agony.

 

As I've said before, life happens step by little step. He was broken down step by step. With horrific consequences.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm not talking about excuses, I'm talking about you saying affairs don't cause people to be "crazy" this is absolutely false, trauma causes mental breaks for a large percentage of people thus the temporary insanity in our court of law, I often this crimes are deemed less severe due to the trauma causes and the mental departure from a person's norm.

 

 

Thank you so much!!

 

This is what I'm trying to say, badly obviously.

[Whoknew30]

I'm not talking about excuses, I'm talking about you saying affairs don't cause people to be "crazy" this is absolutely false, trauma causes mental breaks for a large percentage of people thus the temporary insanity in our court of law, I often this crimes are deemed less severe due to the trauma causes and the mental departure from a person's norm.

 

To act on violence for any other reason than actual self defense...is not ok & to use any "excuse" is a complete cop out! One doesn't get to do what they want bc they were cheated on...that thinking is absolutely no different than a WS pinning an A on the BS actions...there is no difference. It's hypocritical thinking in the worst way.

[ShatteredLady]

No. A legally recognized mental state is completely different from blaming & making excuses.

 

It's an incredibly hard defense to 'prove', particularly when jury members are raised with sayings like "the abuse excuse".....people do have mental breaks. You're fortunate. You haven't experienced it yourself or known a loved one. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

 

Of course one doesn't get to do anything they want because of adultery. That's NOT what's being said at all.

Edited October 22, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Whoknew30]

No. A legally recognized mental state is completely different from blaming & making excuses.

 

It's an incredibly hard defense to 'prove', particularly when jury members are raised with sayings like "the abuse excuse".....people do have mental breaks. You're fortunate. You haven't experienced it yourself or known a loved one. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

 

Of course one doesn't get to do anything they want because of adultery. That's NOT what's being said at all.

 

I saw mental break downs everyday for my work & what I went to school for...some patients were even family members. The people I worked with chose to come & get help & chose not to use their struggles as an excuse for wrong behavior. Which is completely positive...they may not have been feeling positive but their choice to get help was. I'm not saying people don't have break downs, what I'm saying is (especially now a days) is they're are positive ways to handle it. Anyone that acts on a certain behavior with the claim "something bad happened to me, so that gives me the ok to behave how I want" is using what ever happened to them as an excuse to behave how they want.

[ShatteredLady]

I guess everyone has an "excuse" for suicide. If they didn't they wouldn't want to die. We all have 'excuses' for the things we do.

 

This all started with the question should a BS be told? Some say no because the BS could use it as an "excuse" to commit suicide.

 

My view is... it's the treatment, the cruelty, the head f**k that 'some' BS are subjected to that results in their actions & not the actual affair.

 

In my experience learning of the affair was a relief. It explained so much of what I'd been through for 9 months.

 

I'm obviously too close to this subject.

 

If the BS was made of tougher stuff they would shake it off like water off a ducks back. Maybe some are & can just like some OW buy a new lipstick & go find a new MM & never look back. Sometimes it must be nice to be one of those people. Life would be so much easier. Sadly I'm not. That's my excuse for being devastated.

[DKT3]

I saw mental break downs everyday for my work & what I went to school for...some patients were even family members. The people I worked with chose to come & get help & chose not to use their struggles as an excuse for wrong behavior. Which is completely positive...they may not have been feeling positive but their choice to get help was. I'm not saying people don't have break downs, what I'm saying is (especially now a days) is they're are positive ways to handle it. Anyone that acts on a certain behavior with the claim "something bad happened to me, so that gives me the ok to behave how I want" is using what ever happened to them as an excuse to behave how they want.

 

I may get dinged but I'm challenging this, my formal education is based in behavioral sciences, and anyone who says trauma doesn't cause mental instability has no training in the field. End of story.

[ShatteredLady]

WhoKnew.

 

I'm sorry. You're really focusing on violence & in my head I'm bringing it back to suicidal actions because of my own weakness & experience.

 

I appologize.

 

The use of the word "excuse" in connection with the most devastating experience of my life triggered me awfully.

 

Of course calculated, calm violence is never justified

[waterwoman]

I am a chronic depressive. I have been all of my adult life. It's under control these days - I have found ways to manage it. H's affair started in Jan 2012. At that time I was struggling with the worsts depression I had ever experienced and had suicidal ideation. BUT.... I had three children and an H (who appeared to have no time for me) so that was not acceptable. I went back on the ADs, started running seriously again and made a concerted effort to lose weight. I got my head together and tried to give my H more of my time and attention despite the fact he didn't seem to want it. I felt like I was climbing a hill on my hands and knees but H was simply watching my struggle and not caring or offering a hand. I knew something was wrong but it never occured to me what it was.

 

When I found out I was hurt and angry. My world was blown apart BUT I knew I was not going crazy. There was a reason for my gut feelings and my unease.

 

The truth did not dp the damage, the facts of the truth did.

 

I am an intelligent adult. I want to have an intelligent adult relationship with my H.

[ShatteredLady]

I may get dinged but I'm challenging this, my formal education is based in behavioral sciences, and anyone who says trauma doesn't cause mental instability has no training in the field. End of story.

 

 

Of course trauma often causes mental instability & sadly mental instability often stops patients from seeking help.

 

Tragically the people I know who actions resulted in death DID seek help.

[wmacbride]

I saw mental break downs everyday for my work & what I went to school for...some patients were even family members. The people I worked with chose to come & get help & chose not to use their struggles as an excuse for wrong behavior. Which is completely positive...they may not have been feeling positive but their choice to get help was. I'm not saying people don't have break downs, what I'm saying is (especially now a days) is they're are positive ways to handle it. Anyone that acts on a certain behavior with the claim "something bad happened to me, so that gives me the ok to behave how I want" is using what ever happened to them as an excuse to behave how they want.

 

 

The very fact that someone has had a such a break down would mean there is a good chance they won't seek help. If they were thinking logically, they wouldn't be considered to be having a breakdown.

[NTV]

I think your analogy is imperfect. First, that's why the word schadenfreude was coined. In French, it is joie mauvaise. Lots of other languages describe exactly the same idea. So sure, some people would watch that unfold with total satisfaction. I suppose it also depends on who this "someone" is to you.

 

However, the original question was not about telling "someone", it was telling your own spouse.

 

So the setup in your hypothetical needs to be modified in three ways to match:

 

1) You put the turd in the ice cream

2) That someone is your spouse

3) There's a decent chance that they'll never taste it, even if they eat the entire thing

 

Yeah, it is difficult to find a good analogy because it's such a unique for of betrayal. In this case modification of the analogy in the ways you suggest would detract from the conference of emotional conflict, specifically because I was providing it to the original poster who is not married but rather the co-conspirator to the ice cream vender. Maybe one of the poopcone vendors suppliers?

[Southern Sun]

I guess everyone has an "excuse" for suicide. If they didn't they wouldn't want to die. We all have 'excuses' for the things we do.

 

This all started with the question should a BS be told? Some say no because the BS could use it as an "excuse" to commit suicide.

 

My view is... it's the treatment, the cruelty, the head f**k that 'some' BS are subjected to that results in their actions & not the actual affair.

 

In my experience learning of the affair was a relief. It explained so much of what I'd been through for 9 months.

 

I'm obviously too close to this subject.

 

If the BS was made of tougher stuff they would shake it off like water off a ducks back. Maybe some are & can just like some OW buy a new lipstick & go find a new MM & never look back. Sometimes it must be nice to be one of those people. Life would be so much easier. Sadly I'm not. That's my excuse for being devastated.

 

ShatteredLady - maybe you've said this somewhere and I've missed it: Was your brother gaslit and lied to by your SIL? Did she never admit to the affair (or drag out the lies for a really long time)?

 

I think that must be the cruelest of cruel...when the BS knows in their gut that something is terribly wrong but the WS refuses to validate their instincts.

[Robert]

Thread closed. No responses from the threadstarter and the thread appears to have gone far off-topic at this point. ~6