ShellBell Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 My boyfriend (46) of eight months is accusing me (42) of cheating when I've been truly faithful to him and have not been physically, emotionally or mentally involved with a man. It started when I decided to do things that I use to do long before I met him....such as taking myself out to a solo dinner (which he insist that I actually had a date with another man) and another occasion in which I went to a pool hall by myself to play a few games ( he stated in that situation that the only reason a woman goes to a bar is to meet men). I've been absolutely loyal and faithful since day one but since he has serious trust issues due to being hurt badly in the past by other women I've been grouped into the basket of his past hurts. One day I just got fed up and I needed to think. I needed to purge all the stress and anger I felt towards him for accusing me of being unfaithful so instead of going to his place for the night as he needed my help on something he needed done the next day I stayed over at a gf's house where I talked about everything that had me stressed out about my relationship with boyfriend. I didn't respond to any of his texts or phone calls the entire night. The next day when I did call him I told him I had spent the evening at my house. I lied to him. He didn't believe me and instead insisted that I was laid up with some other man. He doesn't believe me and the meantime I'm treated to his hot/cold behavior. One day he can be super affectionate and the next cold and distant as if he doesn't want to be bothered by me. When this mess went down he told me he love me but recently he revealed that he is unsure if he loves me. In the meantime, I'm starting to feel used because he still receives all the benefits of my love for him....cooking, doing his laundry, intimacy,etc. but he has cut me off emotionally and mentally. Part of me wants to stay and fight for this relationship but another part of me just wants to walk because while I know and fully accept the wrong I did in lying to him as to where I was at....a cheater that I am not because I know what it's like to be cheated on and it was painful each time I experienced it....I feel as if I'm going crazy because this man is accusing me of something I didn't do nor have thoughts of ever doing. Thoughts/opinions are greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 There are two problems I've noticed. The first one is that your boyfriend hasn't got over his previous relationship and has taken his hurt and the rest of the baggage into this relationship with you and you are now being wronged for the mistakes that his previous partner(s) have inflicted upon him. Secondly, you lied to a man who has trust issues when it would have been far more beneficial to have your friend confirm that you stayed around her house for the night. I'm afraid there's nothing you can do here but to break up. Do you really want to be in the same position a year from now? Two years from now? This man needs to spend sometime being single, so he can heal from what's happened to him in the past, so he can enter a new relationship in a healthy state of mind and with his emotions in check. This current situation is not fair on you and I think you should break up with him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 YOU may not be cheating but he may be. 1. The Blame Game Psychological projection is a really strange human behavior in which a person ascribes flaws to others that they deny possessing. As a result of this twisted reverse psychology, projection also happens to be a great indicator of cheating in a relationship. For example, if your significant other is all of the sudden accusing you of sneaking around or being untrustworthy, it is probably because they are being deceitful themselves and are paranoid that you will do the same. Make sense? Telltale Signs of Cheaters | Huffington Post 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShellBell Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 The crazy thing is that I did have my gf confirm it and she was even willing to speak with him face to face but he said that friends can lie for friends so he wasn't wanting to hear it. I have one camp of friends who say I should stick it out and regain his trust while I have another group who tell me to walk away because he isn't over his past hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 You're both adults so while dude maybe a little clingy etc it doesn't help when you arrange to go over..then don't...then don't answer your phone until the next day..when you know he has issues. In my mind he should walk..or you should because in the long run it can never work out with his clinginess, and your tendency to exacerbate the situation by doing stuff like that. p.s Even if a friend vouched for you, there's still a reasonable enough room for doubt and that is all that it really takes even for a trustworthy person, let alone one who doesn't trust you. Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I think the way your boyfriend sees it is that your actions are speaking louder to him than your words. What I mean to say is ... talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words, so when you rebuff and ignore him and frequent places where people are more likely to hook up, well then can you really not figure why he might be getting antsy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShellBell Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 I ignored him only that one night. Going to places by myself is something I've done since my early 20's and I'm 40-something now. And I told him that day one that sometimes I enjoy the company of myself. But I understand what you're saying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShellBell Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 He does act very shady when it comes to his cellphone. If I'm sitting next to him he will turn his body or hand in just a way so I can't see what he's doing and to top it off he has a lot of female friends....many of them ex's/random f'buddies. So it has me wondering......all this accusing....if he isn't out there trying to cover his guilt by accusing me of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 8 months? You're still fairy new relationship. Don't waster years of your life on this. If he's accusing you of cheating now, it's just going to get worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Yeah, that's the other side of the coin. He could well be projecting his guilt into insecurity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I'm in no way saying it's your fault, but consider this his perception is his reality, and your actions and behavior, while totally innocent feeds his insecurities. You know his wounds and you should be cognisant to that. Alot of your actions are likely those that he seen with women in his past that send him back to the pain that ensued. In short ducks walk like ducks, once in a while one doesn't, but if you haven't experienced one that doesn't then they all walk like ducks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 There are two problems I've noticed. The first one is that your boyfriend hasn't got over his previous relationship and has taken his hurt and the rest of the baggage into this relationship with you and you are now being wronged for the mistakes that his previous partner(s) have inflicted upon him. Secondly, you lied to a man who has trust issues when it would have been far more beneficial to have your friend confirm that you stayed around her house for the night. I'm afraid there's nothing you can do here but to break up. Do you really want to be in the same position a year from now? Two years from now? This man needs to spend sometime being single, so he can heal from what's happened to him in the past, so he can enter a new relationship in a healthy state of mind and with his emotions in check. This current situation is not fair on you and I think you should break up with him. Spot on Fish. OP, this reply from fish sums it up perfectly. I myself don't see any way this relationship goes forward. The only thing I could add is that like Generals on a Battlefield map, we tend to behave in our current relationship based on our past relationships. Just like a General fights his current war, like he did the last war, expecting the same result. It may be a bit painful, but neither of you are happy at this current point in time. I totally understand your point of view. It isn't fair to you for him to be fighting his last battle from his past relationship and projecting it onto you. For his part, if you feel the need to start lying to him out of frustration, or anything else, that will not help the situation at all, but only add to it down the road if he ever finds out it will simply reinforce his view of you, and women in general. And that will damage any future relationship he has. Just as the constant accusations stand to damage any further relationship you have. You 2 need to break up. No ifs ands or buts. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Shellbell it's time to fly. You need to get out of this toxic situation you are in. People who blow hot and cold are nothing but bad news.....therapist always recommend you walk because it never gets better not can it be fixed. As for the accusations, that is jealousy/possessiveness rearing it's ugly head......this is a control issue. When it gets to that point, he will pull you down, drive a wedge between you and friends and family. He has the signs of an abuser....quite possible as to why he was cheated on/or dumped, in the past. When someone has that much bad luck, in most cases it's them that causes it and not the people they are accusing. Please leave. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 The crazy thing is that I did have my gf confirm it and she was even willing to speak with him face to face but he said that friends can lie for friends so he wasn't wanting to hear it. I have one camp of friends who say I should stick it out and regain his trust while I have another group who tell me to walk away because he isn't over his past hurts. You know what? I KNOW people say "when the trust is gone, there's nothing blahblah." I generally agree. But I will say this, I have been SO messed up by my marriage that a guy walking an extra mile for me to trust him would mean the world to me. If it ISN'T objectionable to you, offer to take a polygraph. Frankly, people really suck. I've always told my husband that if he wanted DNA testing for the kids that I wouldn't take that personally. There's too much on the line and people are diabolical. You see, after the garbage I went through in my marriage I wouldn't take someone's trust issues personally or condemn them for it. I get that you are very hurt over this and it seems like nothing but paranoia. And who knows, maybe if you placate it, it would get worse. But maybe not. Either way, it isn't on you and it is your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Ok, your bf has trust issues and that's not on you. But did you really think that the best way to address them was to spend the night at a gf's house and then lie about it? And why on earth did you ever feel the need to lie about it in the first place? Something doesn't smell right in Denmark. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Well, that's on the Danes, isn't it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Just to make sure I've got this clear: everything was fine until you started going out alone. I don't like at all that he's accusing you of cheating. But why would you go and do nice stuff alone when you've got a partner to enjoy it with? I an understand you going alone if what you're doing isn't his thing, but given how much I enjoy sharing a dinner with my partner, I'd be pissed if he started taking himself to dinner without me. Then add you lying about staying at your friend's house? This situation is on you. If you want to be in a partnership, then act like it's a partnership. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Just to make sure I've got this clear: everything was fine until you started going out alone. I don't like at all that he's accusing you of cheating. But why would you go and do nice stuff alone when you've got a partner to enjoy it with? I an understand you going alone if what you're doing isn't his thing, but given how much I enjoy sharing a dinner with my partner, I'd be pissed if he started taking himself to dinner without me. Then add you lying about staying at your friend's house? This situation is on you. If you want to be in a partnership, then act like it's a partnership. I don't agree with the first part. I like eating alone sometimes! I do it all the time..I like my alone time. The lying thing though..not cool at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Obviously lying won't pacify this jerk.....kick him to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
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