When your heart is still with your xMM

[Ahurtgirl]

I read often as advise to fall back in love with your spouse as a way to heal after an affair. What if your spouse is gay or how about those who are separated from their spouse? My heart still loves my xMM and I am way past the affair fog. I very much loved him. He loves his wife and they have both fallen back in love with each other and have found happiness together again. Great for him which I am so happy for him, but it leaves me at a lost as I have no one. Not sure how to heal.

[carhill]

People chose other associations all the time, we are rejected personally, socially, in our jobs throughout our lives. How to deal?

 

I look back on all that stuff as a mixed bag, remember the good times and how they augmented my life and accept that life, and death, is a solo journey and any associations along the way are gifts. Enjoy the gift and, if and when it's gone, for whatever reason, or no reason at all, accept that too and move on.

 

Where did I learn that tool? From a psychologist in MC while a MM. It was a key tool in finishing business, both historically and in my M. Hard to do in the moment but years down the road the results pay dividends every day, not just regarding romantic relationship but friendships and business dealings too.

 

IMO, you'll find your tool. If you need help, there are some cool professionals out there to offer it. If you find a good fit, see it like school. Life is learning.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I read often as advise to fall back in love with your spouse as a way to heal after an affair. What if your spouse is gay or how about those who are separated from their spouse? My heart still loves my xMM and I am way past the affair fog. I very much loved him. He loves his wife and they have both fallen back in love with each other and have found happiness together again. Great for him which I am so happy for him, but it leaves me at a lost as I have no one. Not sure how to heal.

 

Are you married? I thought you were single or divorced.

[Midlifecrisis1]

What makes you think that xMM and his wife are back in love and happy again? Not that this should be the focus of your healing, but I'd say chances are slim that they are just doing great now. Are you married? Do you have kids?

[MidnightBlue1980]

What makes you think that xMM and his wife are back in love and happy again? Not that this should be the focus of your healing, but I'd say chances are slim that they are just doing great now. Are you married? Do you have kids?

 

I was going to say that. If you are not in love before the affair, you are most likely not going to fall in love after it.

[burnt]

[]

 

To answer your question about "how to heal"--may I suggest that instead of focusing on MM, focus on the dynamic in your marriage. A big part of why you are in this mess with the MM is because you are emotionally empty in your marriage. You are human. You are a woman. It's not possible for you to survive psychologically when you are married to someone who is clearly not meeting your emotional and physical needs.

 

So, my answer to your question:

1. You will need time to get over xMM. There's nothing you can do about him. It's a wound that you are going to have live with, just like the all of us (other OWs).

 

2. I don't understand how you can even "fall in love" with your husband when he is gay and you are clearly an emotional heterosexual woman. So, the typical suggestion "work on your marriage" doesn't seem to apply to you. You are in a unique situation--your solution needs to fall outside of the conventional solution.

 

If I may suggest--if you have the option, you should get divorced and try to find someone who is willing and able to love you as you so rightfully deserve.

 

P.S. Your situation is somewhat similar to mine in the sense that I was xOW while being married in a COMPLETELY celibate marriage for over a decade and a half. I left my marriage recently and am living alone now. All I can say is that while it has and continues to be a traumatic experience, I am THANKFUL that I left my marriage.

Edited October 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content; references without attribution redacted.

[Vivir]

AHurtGirl, I want to extend to you my sympathy for your pain.

As everyone else has stated, you will need to try focusing your energy elsewhere. Like me, you are actually alone. I agree with carhill. Life, like death, is a solo journey. The associations we have with others are gifts, but ultimately, we walk alone. It may come across as crass and cliche, unfortunately, but I encourage you to build your next long-lasting relationship with yourself. I am on this journey right now, and while it is not the easiest thing in the world, I am likely to reap the most benefit from it. One day, I realized I will never be able to divorce myself, and for this reason, I will never be alone. No matter what my mistakes are or have been, I will either learn to forgive myself or I will have to resign myself to live in utter misery. I cannot see being miserable for another day! I want to find at least one thing of beauty and one thing for which to be grateful every day. This weekend, I went to a prayer breakfast with my aunt - a person who has my best interest at heart. Tomorrow, I am planning to surprise visit an old friend and write a letter to my brother and his young family. Small steps, but big impact. Try focusing your energy elsewhere; try it for a few minutes each day. Think about how you would love a significant other. What would you do for your xMM if you could have him? Can you do this for yourself?? Just consider it. What's the worst that can happen?

 

Burnt mentioned the wound carried by OW/OM, and I agree. You will tend to the wound, and until it heals, it's gonna hurt! Many wounds leave scars, so we can expect that this experience will never be forgotten. In my own healing, I have learned that love does not equal possession. We do not always get our way, but we can always choose to have our own backs. You can love you and work with everything in your power to make your relationship with you stronger.

 

Wishing you hope and peace in your journey.

[aileD]

You're giving all your mental energy to someone who is giving you none.

 

You're wasting it. Use it for something healthy. Volunteer somewhere.

 

"There comes a time when you need to stop crossing oceans for people who won't even jump puddles for you. "

[sandylee1]

I read often as advise to fall back in love with your spouse as a way to heal after an affair. What if your spouse is gay or how about those who are separated from their spouse? My heart still loves my xMM and I am way past the affair fog. I very much loved him. He loves his wife and they have both fallen back in love with each other and have found happiness together again. Great for him which I am so happy for him, but it leaves me at a lost as I have no one. Not sure how to heal.

 

If your spouse is gay why on earth would one still be with them?

 

How do you know he and his wife have fallen back in love?

 

How do you know they fell out of love?

 

If you really can't find any love or the right kind of love for your spouse .... then consider ending it.

 

If you don't have a spouse, then you need time to get XMM out of your system and have your heart and mind available for a new relationship.

 

I look at it this way .... married or not, why should I be miserable and hung up on a man when he's moved on from me. That was my mindset when I was heartbroken many years ago. Why should I wallow in sadness and not, when he probably hadn't given me a second thought.

 

You only get one life, so make the most of it.

[HeCantBreakMe]

If your spouse is gay why on earth would one still be with them?

 

How do you know he and his wife have fallen back in love?

 

How do you know they fell out of love?

 

If you really can't find any love or the right kind of love for your spouse .... then consider ending it.

 

If you don't have a spouse, then you need time to get XMM out of your system and have your heart and mind available for a new relationship.

 

I look at it this way .... married or not, why should I be miserable and hung up on a man when he's moved on from me. That was my mindset when I was heartbroken many years ago. Why should I wallow in sadness and not, when he probably hadn't given me a second thought.

 

You only get one life, so make the most of it.

 

I agree with this. I am getting tired of being sick and tired and eventually I realized I have given him enough head space. Not like he gives 2 Sh** so why should I when I have a husband that gives 100 S**.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I agree with this. I am getting tired of being sick and tired and eventually I realized I have given him enough head space. Not like he gives 2 Sh** so why should I when I have a husband that gives 100 S**.

 

Why do we all think that the xMM don't give a crap about us? Isn't it possible they think the same about us when we are NC? Especially the MW.

[Poppy47]

Why do we all think that the xMM don't give a crap about us? Isn't it possible they think the same about us when we are NC? Especially the MW.

 

Depending on the kind of relationship, I believe that some xMM do indeed feel grief in NC. The longer the relationship, the greater the attachment.

Poppy.

[elaine567]

Why do we all think that the xMM don't give a crap about us? Isn't it possible they think the same about us when we are NC? Especially the MW.

 

In ahurtgirl's case, he cared so much for her that after 4.5 years together, he dumped her unceremoniously and he went NC the very day his wife found out.

 

Yes, we can all go he truly cared and he is hurt and upset, but maybe he just isn't. He doesn't NEED to hide behind his wife, he has CHOSEN to do so.

I guess he really went "Phew! that was a close one, I could have lost EVERYTHING there!"

 

No-one on the single world would assume that the guy who just dumped you, would be pining for you hurt and lost would they?

BUT in the OW world it seems the MM is assigned "feelings" that bear no relation to his actions, or he is a "poor soul" that needs saving from his wife, by his OW.

When to most it seems he is usually a weak guy who just wants two women on tap, and squirms his way out, doing what is best FOR HIM, when it all goes pear-shaped..

[Cyra]

I was going to say that. If you are not in love before the affair, you are most likely not going to fall in love after it.

 

Is this true? My xMM and wife werent in love for years, now i have visions of them being all lovey dovey and happy as they have something new in common, hatred for me

[elaine567]

Is this true? My xMM and wife werent in love for years, now i have visions of them being all lovey dovey and happy as they have something new in common, hatred for me

 

I think having a common foe can bring people together, true, but all people in reconciliation after affairs are in different places.

Some are all lovey dovey and see the affair as a big shake up for them, others are more pragmatic and see reconciling as the best thing for them, their kids and their financial status, but are never the same again, others at the other extreme, are in a state of pure hatred for each other but stick together like glue as they feel they have no other option.

Sometimes it is the WS that realises they are/were always in love and sometimes it is the BS who loves unconditionally.

NO two people are the same, as all have their own agenda and motivation for staying married.

[Cyra]

I think having a common foe can bring people together, true, but all people in reconciliation after affairs are in different places.

Some are all lovey dovey and see the affair as a big shake up for them, others are more pragmatic and see reconciling as the best thing for them, their kids and their financial status, but are never the same again, others at the other extreme, are in a state of pure hatred for each other but stick together like glue as they feel they have no other option.

Sometimes it is the WS that realises they are/were always in love and sometimes it is the BS who loves unconditionally.

NO two people are the same, as all have their own agenda and motivation for staying married.

 

I wish i knew how it was between them. I know its pointless but for some reason cant stop obsessing about it :/

[elaine567]

I wish i knew how it was between them. I know its pointless but for some reason cant stop obsessing about it :/

 

It doesn't really matter, he is where he wants to be and that is what you need to concentrate on and move on from that.

 

I think we all get hooked up on what our exes are doing but I guess it is worse for you in that you were in direct competition with this woman and she has in effect "won". BUT what truly has she won?

He is an old guy with 6 kids, who found it impossible to be true to his wife.

Is he really such a prize?~

Keep remembering and concentrate on those "cold" times he put you through and be very grateful you don't have to put up with that any more.

[Cyra]

It doesn't really matter, he is where he wants to be and that is what you need to concentrate on and move on from that.

 

I think we all get hooked up on what our exes are doing but I guess it is worse for you in that you were in direct competition with this woman and she has in effect "won". BUT what truly has she won?

He is an old guy with 6 kids, who found it impossible to be true to his wife.

Is he really such a prize?~

Keep remembering and concentrate on those "cold" times he put you through and be very grateful you don't have to put up with that any more.

 

Thanks Elaine, youre right i have to keep focusing on that. I really wouldnt have won the lottery had i ended up with him

[ladydesigner]

I think having a common foe can bring people together, true, but all people in reconciliation after affairs are in different places.

Some are all lovey dovey and see the affair as a big shake up for them, others are more pragmatic and see reconciling as the best thing for them, their kids and their financial status, but are never the same again, others at the other extreme, are in a state of pure hatred for each other but stick together like glue as they feel they have no other option.

Sometimes it is the WS that realises they are/were always in love and sometimes it is the BS who loves unconditionally.

NO two people are the same, as all have their own agenda and motivation for staying married.

 

This is how it's been for me as a BS since discovering my WH's A never ended. I won't love my WH the same again. It hasn't come back and it's been 2 years already.

[ladydesigner]

Thanks Elaine, youre right i have to keep focusing on that. I really wouldnt have won the lottery had i ended up with him

 

This is the truth Cyra omg you dodged a bullet!

[dreamingoftigers]

This is how it's been for me as a BS since discovering my WH's A never ended. I won't love my WH the same again. It hasn't come back and it's been 2 years already.

 

That's not a bad thing.

 

You'll get out eventually I hope

[ladydesigner]

That's not a bad thing.

 

You'll get out eventually I hope

 

I think I will am hoping for it really. I have tried to D a few times and he is really manipulative and emotionally abusive. I really do have to find a way. I am truly miserable and may end up on the slippery slope myself again! (trying really hard not to). This is wack though!