My Brother- The problem my family lives with

[Esbee]

I found this forum by accident because I was feeling so depressed about my brother that I googled, "Brother hits parents; What to do." After reading a couple of the forums, I felt that I can share my story without any backlash or shame. I know that sharing my pain here wont help change my situation, but I thought some words of encouragement could give me some strength. I have not shared my story to my friends, because what my brother did is so shameful. And in many ways, I do not want to be a part of this drama anymore. I do not want to be attached to my parents lives anymore. I want to move beyond their misery now. I have had enough of it. I cannot save them. I have been trying to save them for years now. I am done. And it makes me feel so guilty too. I want to be done crying the nights of tears and begging them to change.

 

(This is going to be really long. I apologize in advance, and I do not mind if nobody reads it. I guess it is more a therapeutic outlet for me right now. To just let my frustrations out on the world, and somehow, it can possibly change because I am being heard.)

 

Yesterday, my mom calls me to tell me that she wont be attending the spine specialist that I have arranged for her because she wont have time. I suspected something wrong because the spine specialist is important and I heard her voice go quiet. I knew my brother did something despicable, and I made me tell me what really happened. He did what I thought might happen. Didn't want to happen, but I suspected might happen. But it was still terrible.

 

The unthinkable:

Two nights ago, my adult 28 year old brother hit my dad the and my mom tried to stop the altercation and got hurt as well. My parents are dad (59) and mom (52). I am 30 years old. Female. When I heard this, I told her before that I am scared for their lives and she needs to call the cops on my brother. My brother, I suspect, have a range of emotional and psychological issues. I suspect he has ADHD, bipolar or something. He has always been a troublesome child, violent, angry, hurtful, manipulative and incredibly selfish person. He has a hatred, rage, so explosive directed at my father.

 

The rage that my brother has on my dad. You need to understand that they have a pretty twisted dynamic. My father owned businesses and my brother has worked for him for several years. The business is going down, and my dad plans on selling it. My brother without the business has nothing and is forcing, bullying my dad to sign over the business or give him 50% of whatever is left after being sold. I guess that night they were planning on talking over the contract, but my brother head bunted my dad and my mom went over to stop it and got kicked as well. She called the cops, but when the cops arrived, my father recanted the incident. My mother hid upstairs because she was visibly hurt with the cut from her upper cheek and did not want the officer to see. Before this happened, I suspected the growing rage coming from my brother would result into this. I told them, if I hear that you got hurt physically hurt by my brother, I will call the cops. She screamed bloody murder and told me that she will never speak to me again if I do. I called anyway. I cannot stand by and see my parents physically getting hurt by my brother. He has been disrespecting them for several months now. The disrespect, I suspected, would result in physical abuse. And it has to stop. I warned them. One physical exchange, and I want him in jail.

 

Sadly, it doesnt work that way. The cops tell me I cannot do anything without my parents cooperation. They need to file a restraining order and report it themselves. My mother wont hear it. She wont do it. My mother when I spoke to her I told her you must do this. To save herself. When I talk to her, she still believes she needs to save my brother. She said my brother is in so much pain right now, that he is letting it out on them. On my parents. And as parents she must try. She understands the stress he is in and he cannot see clearly right now. She says that she as a mother needs to save her son. Tears rolling down my eyes, I still told her "you need to call the cops. He can kill you next time." She said she will, but I dont know if she will. It is the most frustrating thing. The officer who I spoke with says that I have to encourage my parents to come forward. My mom and dad do not want the cops involved. This is the most frustrating thing ever. I cannot save my parents. And it is tearing me up.

 

I do not want to be in this position anymore. I have always tried to save my family. For years. When my brother would be in messes, I would go and fix them. When he could not have have a car because his credit was bad my parents asked me to get him a car under my name. They have done it too. My parents credit got terrible after they lost the house and my dad asked me to take credit cards under my name that my dad can use. I did because I thought I was being the dutiful daughter. I am still glad that I could help them for that time even though it was inconvenience to me and my credit did go bad for a time. Also there was a 5700 balance that I told him I would take care of because he was having difficulty paying it off. With everything else; however, my dad did pay everything on time, and eventually credit improved. And now I am scoring over 800. But it was a huge pain for me. For family, I did it but I will no longer entangle myself legally or financially again.

 

My brother needs therapy and he is showing years of psychological distress. His friends once called me that he is going off the deep-end, and absolutely losing touch with reality. He lost all of his friends. He had some terrible friends. Ones that left him and stole his money. Right now, my brother has no one.

 

My brother grew up being entitled and spoiled by my parents. I knew early on, something was wrong with him. He caused so much grief from an early age. Being expelled from school, getting in trouble with the law. He causes non stop grief and pain on our family. Our childhood was great. My parents were good parents. My father and mother were always there for me. Maybe, that was the problem, this unconditional love. Love poured from them, even when my brother was acting horribly. For some reason, I have a different temperament. I looked at my family as an outsider would, and knew, that something was wrong with this parenting. I did well in school, and got scholarships to college. I was the first to go to college from my family, and I went to a pretty good college. And for that, my mom and dad are very proud.

 

My brother on top of being an explosive, terroring menace by nature, he is incredibly angry at my dad because my father has had many indiscretions and my father has created his fair share of grief on us as well. A couple of years ago, my dad lost the house and we were homeless for a while. This is incredibly drastic from the previous years of living in an very expensive home in a very up to do community. My dad was driving expensive motorcycles and going on lavish trips. He was incredibly selfish and travelling, leaving my mom, my brother and me alone to carry out the finances. One time, there was a huge forest fire, that almost burned down our house. We had to evacuate for weeks, and my mother and I had to clean up the mess it made because it burned our backyard. My father was in Peru, living it up. It was impossible for us to reach him because he did not have internet. Thats my father. Always gone when we were enduring something bad. My brother and mom were working at the businesses while my dad was living it up too. My dad was also having multiple affairs. There are times when I look at what my father has done and I get sick to my stomach. I love my father but I cannot believe how selfish he was. He was spending and living beyond our means as well. My brother was also attached to that lifestyle and now they really dont have the money for it is forcing my father to give him what is left of it. Anyways, we suffered a huge unraveling. Our lives, two years ago, dealt with really hard blows. I guess the bubble that my father made popped. We were homeless, lost the house, lost my grandfather tragically, and I have suffered some personal challenges as well. I even had to give away my precious dog who I loved so much because we werent able to care for him. That was the hardest thing. It was the most miserable two years of my life. I really felt suicidal. Constant fights at the house. When we moved, my brother did not help us at all. He went off to his friends. He found his own place of living. I was the one who stuck by my parents. I thought this was our rock bottom.

 

During this time, I managed to get into graduate school and do well for myself. I got married to a wonderful man. He is a doctor and he has a very stressful job. When I hear incidences from my family, I vent to him and I think it is too much for him at work. He deals with surgeries all day, and sometimes work 24 hours. I cannot tell him anymore of my family problems because it is hard on him too. He asks me that I cannot veer off to lalala land and be depressed because he wont be able to save me. Sometimes, I get so anxious I do become riddled with my depression. It is debilitating. He tells me that I need to be strong and healthy. For him and for my family as well. Someone needs to stay strong when the family is going down. Also he asks that I protect him and our relationship, I have to let my attachment to my parents go. I believe he is right. We are getting ready to start a family. I am ready to build my own life. I have been responsible with my life and worked hard. But it is incredibly difficult to let your parents go. It is really tearing me up. I love my parents. My parents have always provided for me. Despite their shortcomings, my parents always provided for me and I will always love them; However I have to detach and separate myself. I know that.

 

They are my parents. They are my only parents. I will always love them but if they wont cut off my brother and do what they need to do. He will haunt them forever. They keep making excuses that he will do something terrible if they dont help them. He is already doing terrible things. My brother needs to hit his bottom, and my parents keep cushioning his fall. Since my mother and father wont listen to me, I encouraged my mom to talk to a therapist from the insurance company I helped her enroll dependent of my husbands company. They have great benefits for mental health. I usually arrange it for her because she has a hard time and cannot speak English, but they have interpreters who she can speak with. She needs to learn how to do it on her own.

 

I got the dog back and he lives with me and my husband. We are getting ready to remodel our home and prepare for a baby. I want to be happy. I do not want to be shackled to my family's misery anymore. I want to start having my own family. I want to be happy wife for my husband. He deserves that because he has done nothing but be the wonderful person in my life. I pray to God to take this misery and pain. I pray for wisdom and peace. Peace for my family. Peace for my brother's heart. As much as I despise my brother, I still hope he finds some peace in this life. When he does, he can help with our journey to healing as well as a family.

 

Sorry, this is such a sad post. If you have reached this far along. Thanks for listening. I think I am ok. I know I am strong. I believe I just need to find peace in myself. I need to be OK with that things are not OK in my life. Things can go far worse in my life, and I know that. I can lose my parents to my brother. He can do something devastating. But I still have to move forward because I have my husband and family to care of now too.

[Poe77]

Ok 1st off ive kinda of been in your brothers shoes in a way I was the youngest in a family that fell apart I was a disruptive kid/young adult too but only cause it was how the adults around me made me it was a very miserable childhood growing up for me so I can relate to alot of what made your brother the way he is maybe it sounds like your father had a heavy hand in messing him up in the head? so your parents are not the total innocent victims in that..How ever that said when I was old enough I left the bad situation and got myself stable it sounds like your brother is choosing to wallow in his misery and is trying to now drag them down into it to..he prob resents you cause he sees you as "their favorite" perfect daughter so there is prob not much you can do at this point..

 

Now moving on ive also seen a similar sinaro when I was living with a guy who was much like your brother totally messed up in the head only he was also a alcoholic he was the youngest in his family and his elderly parents were enabling his horrid behaviors much like your own. Apparently they did for years until they realized they had to try and stop it by then it was kinda to late and he was totally bonked in the head and violent as anything. his mom wanted me to try and "fix him" and when I couldn't anymore then them I was the bad guy..but that's neither here nor there I guess..anyways in the end I had to step back remove myself from that situation all together and let them lay in the bed they had made the last thing I ever said to her was you two created this unholy monster now you have to live with it but I do not..

 

And I walked away I felt bad of course we all want to "fix" those we care for but some times you simply cant and if you keep trying so hard you will lose yourself in the process. dont do that OP dont lose all you have worked for in your life and all you love cause your family are refusing to deal with their issues never make some one else's issues your own. you can be there for them but refuse to get caut up in anymore drama always remember they are choosing this bed by enabling him to continue to be unhealthy that's on them you cant save them from themselves! good luck its really a hard situation to be in for every one involved I know..

[JewelD]

Well you're looking at it from the perspective of a sister. Your parents obviously feel different about the situation because they created him and they raised him. If he's truly just been a horrible person his entire life, why didn't anyone try to get him any help before? Your brother has absolutely no redeemable qualities?

 

Do we talk about yourself and your life insinuates that you believe you're better than your family. Just because they decided not to put your brother in jail doesn't seem like good grounds for cutting them off entirely. They're the ones getting the short end of the stick.

 

You could probably still have a good relationship with them if you stop trying to fix things. They're grown people, it's their decision how they want to handle your brother. All four of you could probably use some therapy but that would have to be a collective decision.

[mikeylo]

There isn't much you can do except give your parents support when they need , especially ask themselves. They probably do understand why he is behaving the way he is and maybe waiting for the right time to act. Be there for them but continue living your life with your family.

 

You can contact some anonymous support group for them and give a tip off.

[Esbee]

There isn't much you can do except give your parents support when they need , especially ask themselves. They probably do understand why he is behaving the way he is and maybe waiting for the right time to act. Be there for them but continue living your life with your family.

 

You can contact some anonymous support group for them and give a tip off.

 

Thanks. I have been having so much anxiety. I actually had to distance myself from her. I feel so bad, and I am always battling calling her, but I know nothing has changed and hearing the stories with her and she not calling the police makes me so frustrated and depressed. I called the police on her behalf and she cussed at me. I know that she is in pain. This is so difficult. All I do is pray and pray for this to pass. My husband is getting restless about me having anxiety about it. I woke up this morning from a nightmare of them getting hurt. I feel so helpless.

[salparadise]

You should consider getting into counseling/therapy. You might need to take something for the anxiety, or learn about ways to control it. It's good that you're concerned about your parents' wellbeing, but you really need to learn to see things from the perspective of accepting what you can't change, influencing what you can, and discerning between the two. Counseling can help you gain that perspective and have more insight into the family dynamics. They can also determine appropriate resources for other family members.

 

Your brother needs to be in services. Violence against elders, or elder abuse, is serious. It sounds like he's on the verge of losing control completely. It may be time to notify social services. Don't wait until your parents are seriously injured. Physical violence of this nature has to be dealt with.

 

You have limited choices, and not much ability to fix it directly. But you can improve your ability to cope, reduce the anxiety and protect your parents from physical harm. Start by making an appointment.

[Esbee]

You should consider getting into counseling/therapy. You might need to take something for the anxiety, or learn about ways to control it. It's good that you're concerned about your parents' wellbeing, but you really need to learn to see things from the perspective of accepting what you can't change, influencing what you can, and discerning between the two. Counseling can help you gain that perspective and have more insight into the family dynamics. They can also determine appropriate resources for other family members.

 

Your brother needs to be in services. Violence against elders, or elder abuse, is serious. It sounds like he's on the verge of losing control completely. It may be time to notify social services. Don't wait until your parents are seriously injured. Physical violence of this nature has to be dealt with.

 

You have limited choices, and not much ability to fix it directly. But you can improve your ability to cope, reduce the anxiety and protect your parents from physical harm. Start by making an appointment.

 

 

I am in counseling. It is not quite helpful yet. I have my second appointment in a week. My insurance only allows for me to have one session a month. I spoke to social services and my friend who is a social worker who tell me I can not really do anything. Until my parents seek services I am utterly helpless. The police officer also said that my parents need to call and report. Thank you for your wise words. I think I am grappling with accepting that I cannot fix this. I cannot save my parents. It is very painful. My dad is 60 and until he is 65 will this be elderly abuse.

 

It is hard. But praying helps.

[Miss Clavel]

And in many ways, I do not want to be a part of this drama anymore. I do not want to be attached to my parents lives anymore. I want to move beyond their misery now. I have had enough of it. I cannot save them. I have been trying to save them for years now. I am done. And it makes me feel so guilty too. I want to be done crying the nights of tears and begging them to change.

 

 

 

 

 

The unthinkable:

Two nights ago, my adult 28 year old brother hit my dad the and my mom tried to stop the altercation and got hurt as well. My parents are dad (59) and mom (52). I am 30 years old. Female. When I heard this, I told her before that I am scared for their lives and she needs to call the cops on my brother. He has a hatred, rage, so explosive directed at my father.

 

. My brother without the business has nothing and is forcing, bullying my dad to sign over the business or give him 50% of whatever is left after being sold. I guess that night they were planning on talking over the contract, but my brother head bunted my dad and my mom went over to stop it and got kicked as well. She called the cops, but when I warned them. One physical exchange, and I want him in jail.

 

 

 

my advice to you is to give it one more shot.

 

tell your parents that if they sign a restraining order, change their phone numbers and change the locks on their house you will find the money that is 50% of the business, whatever is left and give it to your brother.

 

when you brother comes for the money, tell him that once he takes the money, he will never come back to their house and he will never get another dime.

 

my guess is that he will blow thru the money, cuz he sounds like a drug addict, and he will come back. when he does, it's up to your parents to enforce the restraining/protective order.

 

if they do, you're done, if they don't, they're done.

 

put it on them. it's time for you to let go. no matter how hard. and one of the easiest ways to let go is knowing you've done everything you can. by buying him off you're buying them some time to see what it feels like to live in peace and safety. they might get their strenght back.

 

or, they will have to look at each other and realize that your father is a spineless, self seeking, self serving, selfish, heartless loser that can't or won't protect his wife and family.

 

hell, maybe daddy will ride off with his baby boy. a two-fer.

 

stick to your husband. you promised at the wedding. he's your family now.

 

and it's not like you can have any of them around a new baby. not alone anyway.

 

imagine your little boy has his first birthday and your brother smashes granny in the head, right in front of everyone and the police come and do nothing.

 

cuz that's where this is headed. once they start hitting people, they rarely stop. they just hit harder and more often.

 

buy him off and wash your hands.

 

good luck