Baffled OW

[Bambi1234]

I’m not sure why I’m posting. I think I just need to get it all out… Please be kind, although I am an OW I’m mostly just incredibly naive. I’m sorry that this is so long… I just need to get it out.

 

In April/May I met a man online who I thought was the man of my dreams. He was perfect… kind, thoughtful, handsome. He worked with children and we had so much in common. The first time we kissed it was like fireworks went off. We texted night and day and I was totally smitten with him. The catch was that he said that he was recently separated and that his ex-wife and him were still living in the same home. He said that they were still staying in the same house because financially neither of them could leave until the house was sold. He also said that he had promised her that he wouldn't start dating until they moved out but the house was going up for sale in June.

 

I was initially worried that I was some kind of rebound relationship but I decided to take a chance. When June came and the house wasn't sold he told me that some stuff had come up with the house and that he would be fixing the house over the summer and it would go up for sale in August. Over the summer we talked about all the things that we would do together in the future… what our life would be like, having kids… I has head over heels. It also came out that his ex-wife worked for the same company as me, but for another city, and he was upset because I had told some of my coworkers about our relationship. I discovered that his ex-wife and I had mutual friends. He knew that we were close together professionally but hadn't told me when we met. I should mention that he is 7 years older than me and his wife is 15 years older.

 

Writing this out now, I don't even know how I believed him that he was separated but I was so in love. I wanted to believe him and he said all the right things. He was so apologetic about the situation that he had put me in. We saw each other all the time because he worked and coached sports in the same city as me. I talked about my worries that he wasn't telling the truth but he talked me through it and I believed him.

 

In August, the house didn't go up for sale. He told me that it had postponed again but he wasn't sure when the house would be sold. He said that his ex wife was having a difficult time with the separation and he wanted to support her. I went on Facebook and realized that that his ex wife had a photo of them together on her page… I confronted him and he said that she was having a hard time and that their family didn't know about the separation yet. He said the photo was from three years ago. I was crying and upset and he held me and said that that they were for sure separating and that I just needed to be patient with him to get through this difficult time. Sometimes he would get frustrated with me and mad that I wanted to talk about it… once during a conversation we had, he told me that if I told anyone he would do something with explicit photos that I had given him of myself. He tried to make it out like a joke, but I wasn't sure he was joking. He said that this was a difficult time for him and he didn't need added pressure from me. I tried to be supportive because I could understand that this was probably a stressful time for him. He told me he didn't want to talk about Facebook anymore so I tried to just be there for him.

 

In September I started to get suspicious again so and I went back on Facebook. I found that his ex-wife was on a bunch of trying to conceive Facebook groups so I joined the group to see what was happening. I was so devastated that I immediately threw up. She was posting online about all their infertility struggles and how they were starting fertility treatment in the fall. I felt like I was dying. I couldn't believe that not only were they not even separating but that they were actually trying to have a baby. I confronted him immediately and yelled at him over text. He didn't really respond to me and I didn't talk to him for a couple of weeks. I was scared, I didn't want to do anything because I was worried about the photos that he had of me. All three of us in this situation are professionals and this could still be damaging.

 

And then I made a huge mistake, he then got back in contact with me and said that he was leaving his wife. I told him to make whatever decision made him happy, but he said that he wanted to leave her. I saw him a couple of times but I think I mostly was in shock about what I learned and I wanted to believe that he was not the person he turned out to be. He said all the right things but although he said that he was leaving it became obvious after a few weeks that he wasn't making any steps to tell his wife what was happening or leave.

 

I know I shouldn't have seen him, I know I should have told his wife right away. We got in a huge fight and he told me that he was going to stay with his wife and that he was going to do the fertility treatments with her but he also didn't seem to want it end it with me either. I now know that almost everything he told me was a lie… he was never separated and he certainly was never going to leave her but he knew that I wouldn't see him unless he told me something. I told him if he ever messaged me again that I would tell his wife. I was only back in contact with him for a few weeks but it was a few weeks too long. I’m totally ashamed of myself.

 

I don't know how I let someone manipulate me like this. I’m a strong, independent women and I have good self esteem. I honestly don't know this happened. When I found out, he said that this was the first time anything like this had happened. The last time I saw him (three days before I told his wife) he said that he had cheated on his wife using craigslist before he met me. I did some research and saw him back online on the website that we had met on. I also googled the user name of the account that he had initially messaged me on and I found dating accounts back five years. He’s obviously a serial cheater, and very manipulative.

 

I was just so angry that he had an entire relationship with me based on lies. He took away my ability to consent to a relationship with him because he never told me the truth and now he was taking his wife’s ability to consent to her marriage and having children with him based on lies to her. Pictures be damned, she needed to know. I made an anonymous Facebook account and messaged his wife. I just said very simply that she should be aware that her husband was dating online, telling women that he was separated and that he had been seeing someone this summer. A couple days later, she wrote me back a long message that I was a psycho, that I stalked her, that I took advantage of her husband, that I needed professional help, and that this incident would make her marriage stronger. I have no idea what he told other but it’s obviously not what actually happened. This was over thanksgiving weekend.

 

I’m scared of both her and her husband. I still have all the text messages and photos from our relationship this summer and am going to hold on to them just in case I need to protect myself. I won’t reach out to his wife again because of her reaction. I know I just have to move on and let it go but I feel traumatized and in shock. I’m having trouble eating, sleeping, concentrating… basically everything. I’m horrified of my own role in this situation and the heartache I’ve caused. I’m just totally devastated. I don’t know how I could have been this stupid.

[BuddyX]

Just breath.

Def stay NC. While you made a mistake you are on the right path. The guy is a creep.

 

Yes, keep the evidence. Odds are he'll do it again and then his wife will come to you with "You know how I said you're a psycho, well I see a pattern here"

 

Take a time out from dating. Figure out why you allowed a married man to string you along for so long.

 

Good Luck.

[whichwayisup]

It's too bad you didn't use your name and owned what you did, apologized to her and told her that you wanted nothing to do with her husband as he led you on and lied to you so many times. Creating a fake profile and pretending to be someone else in her eyes probably made it seem like you were playing games and not being sincere. Hope that makes sense to you.

 

He threw you under the bus.

 

Let it go, forget him and most of all, forgive yourself for choosing to believe a MM. You were naive and believed every word - A painful lesson learned.

 

If she contacts you in the future, then apologize and answer any questions she may ask, though chances are she isn't going to contact you since he has the wool pulled over her eyes that you stalked him.

[Bambi1234]

No it does, thank you. I should have found another way to contact her but I was pretty freaked out and I was scared of what he would do. I doubt she'll contact me... I don't know what he said but it's obviously not flattering.

[Forever broken]

Is not easy to let go especially when a part of you loves him. But you should let him go. You were fortunate enough to see a preview of how your life with him will be. I will remain no contact with both him and his wife.

[Bambi1234]

Reading through all the posts is really sobering. Is there some kind of affair handbook where they get all these lines?? I feel for every trick in the book

[Jemima1234]

Hi and a sad welcome

 

Don't be so hard on yourself- you actually have got out of the situation with a married man- you fell for his lines yes but once you saw the truth you did right. Some of us- we don't do that!! I was OW to a MM and I knew he was married. But fell in love and went with it

 

Take care of yourself- take one minute at a time and let yourself grieve and then heal

[oceansaway]

I feel for you! Your not alone. Your story sounds like mine. Googled his dating name I met him and found years of disbelief lies. So you're not alone

The anger will pass....I'm 5 months NC and doing well...and I NEVER thought I would. So in time you'll be fine. Take some time for yourself. No dating for awhile. Let yourself heal as I am.

Always remember...his wife has to deal with a lying cheater....you deserve better

[Onlywhenitrains]

Welcome to LS!

 

Don't beat yourself up! I wish I've found this place 18+ moths ago before I got into the A. But, it's what it is.

 

Be kind to yourself, and don't beat yourself up! It is human to want and have someone to care about in our life, to share our life and apday-today struggles or victories. That's what you were after. We all are. Some...hopefully most, really find it. Some make a mistake of trusting someone we should not, and things get complicated. You are not a bad person, you just trusted someone who should not be trusted.

 

You can recover from this! And, move on! I know it hurts now, but it will get easier, and eventually it will pass. Remember who you were before this happened, and what made you happy then and start from there. Remember the old hobbies, or find new ones. Spend time with people in your life who you love and who love you. Time heals everything. All you need is patience.

 

All the best to you! Keep posting! LS is here

[winterkeep]

I wouldn't worry about responding to her any further, she posted this on a BW forum:

 

"Also... just as an aside.

I posted this afternoon on a OW forum as well. I don't ever want to be associated with those women ever again. That was a much scarier experience than being here in a different, very sobering, way."

 

I thought a lot about if I should post this here but I hate the thought that so many good (and you ARE good) people would reach into their own pain to help a stranger only to be taunted and belittled.

[BluesPower]

Bambi, do not beat yourself up about this.

 

You were naïve and you sound pretty young. But this type of stuff happens all the time.

 

Just move on and get yourself together. You can heal from this with enough time. You will be OK.

 

This is just a life lesson for you, and you will be much wiser next time.

 

Keep your head up and move forward.

 

Good luck...

[confusingme]

Hey I can only say that when you decided to have an Affair, you should not expect him to leave his family. You don't want a man who leaves his family for you the leaves you for another OW in couple years. Affair love happened in history, (Google search) but it makes you feel insecure.

Your OMis basically a liar. Although there is no such a thing called honest lie, but at least he should not try to trick you. He should have let you know what the truth was then you could make your choice, instead, he was trying to trick you.

[Ahurtgirl]

I know you are very hurt and feeling thrown by what has all happened. It amazes me how many wives won't believe what we say. They feel we were the ones that made their spouse cheat. Mine xMM cheated before me, during our 4 year affair, and I'm positive he will in the future but for now he is living happily ever after as his wife changed for the better within two months and so did he and now they are in love. She only knows about me so I was the scapegoat in how long list of affairs.

[Bambi1234]

I created my own Dday after realizing I had been duped by man online who pretended to be separated. I fell for all the lines...including that he would leave his wife after I found out the truth.

 

From what I can understand from her response to me is that MM had been diagnosed with depression prior to his affair with me... Now that he's convinced his wife that I'm a psycho he's playing the depression card and saying that this caused his affair. I can kinda understand why someone would grasp on to this, if someone is 'broken' than they can be fixed right? Kind of like when someone say's they are a sex addict - here just follow these 12 steps and all will be well.

He also said that I had threatened him which is why he kept seeing me... sure, like I threatened to tell his wife so he just had to keep sleeping with me

 

An affair is a multitude of decisions, actions, deceptions, which are purposeful in order to deliberately deceive someone on an ongoing basis. Why is it so attractive to scapegoat the OW? If I could really make him do anything, I'm not sure I'd choose to be in this situation. Also, why is it more attractive to believe that the MM is broken or mentally unstable rather than just an asshat who did something selfish because it felt good for the moment?

[Chica80]

I created my own Dday after realizing I had been duped by man online who pretended to be separated. I fell for all the lines...including that he would leave his wife after I found out the truth.

 

From what I can understand from her response to me is that MM had been diagnosed with depression prior to his affair with me... Now that he's convinced his wife that I'm a psycho he's playing the depression card and saying that this caused his affair. I can kinda understand why someone would grasp on to this, if someone is 'broken' than they can be fixed right? Kind of like when someone say's they are a sex addict - here just follow these 12 steps and all will be well.

He also said that I had threatened him which is why he kept seeing me... sure, like I threatened to tell his wife so he just had to keep sleeping with me

 

An affair is a multitude of decisions, actions, deceptions, which are purposeful in order to deliberately deceive someone on an ongoing basis. Why is it so attractive to scapegoat the OW? If I could really make him do anything, I'm not sure I'd choose to be in this situation. Also, why is it more attractive to believe that the MM is broken or mentally unstable rather than just an asshat who did something selfish because it felt good for the moment?

 

Because if you're a BS spouse looking to reconcile you need to believe this...or why else would you stay married to them...

Just like if you're OW you need to believe he really loves you and he's unhappy or why else would he do this.

We all believe what we need to, to survive.

[SammySammy]

Refusing to take responsibility for our actions is pandemic in today's society. It's so much easier to find something or someone other than ourselves to blame.

 

I don't believe you owe either of these people anything. This is one of those situations where I feel the OW/OM should just walk away. Let them deal with their own mess. You deal with yours and go on with your life.

[Bambi1234]

Totally. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Just got me thinking about the things and patterns in my own life where I've maybe believed someone's excuses because it was easier. I don't think there's one of us that hasn't been there at some point.

[stilltrying16]

I wouldn't worry about responding to her any further, she posted this on a BW forum:

 

"Also... just as an aside.

I posted this afternoon on a OW forum as well. I don't ever want to be associated with those women ever again. That was a much scarier experience than being here in a different, very sobering, way."

 

I thought a lot about if I should post this here but I hate the thought that so many good (and you ARE good) people would reach into their own pain to help a stranger only to be taunted and belittled.

 

winterkeep, I saw that too and was very concerned, but then after reading her thoughtful posts here later, I thought she couldn't have meant her own thread here. I wondered if she was referring to a third site. Or if she was referring to Loveshack, I wonder if she was describing how she felt reading other threads she's been reading here- not her own thread. Because she does mention that those other threads gave her a sense of what OW go through and she didn't want that pain. So she wasn't belittling the people responding to her thread- or belittling anyone really- just stating that there seems to be a cheater's handbook, and she doesn't want to be part of that dynamic. I could very well be wrong. But maybe bambi can clear this up.

 

BTW I like your own description very much of what goes on here: people who are good- truly good- reaching into their own pain to help out a stranger. So true of LS and also IMO of that other forum that you referenced.

[Bambi1234]

Hey still trying and winterkeep,

 

In my forum panic I went on a subreddit about sugarbabies which was not clearly marked... so after THOSE shenanigans I came over here and found my forum home Everyone here has been wonderful, welcoming and thoughtful!

I deleted my post from the other forum because I really didn't intend to offend anyone - my apologies.