My MM and I in love again

[Cephalopod]

I do not think you and your husband are compatible.

 

You have bought into the lie that you can "have it all!"

 

Well, you cannot. You complain about the insane hours your husband has to work. You look down on him because he is "blue collar". You overlook the fact that you also work insane hours, yet you are most likely a salaried employee. That is the definition of hypocrisy.

 

If your husband is a wage earner, and you a salaried employee, then you are getting paid a flat fee per week, while he gets paid for every hour he works. Tell me, in terms of pay versus hours worked per week, who makes out better in the end? Why should he give up his job just because you think yours is so much more valuable?

 

If I had a wife wife asked me to be a SAHM I would laugh in her face. The world hasn't changed that much my dear. Your husband will never agree to it. He's not going to let you rip away the last bit of pride he has left.

 

I think you see yourself as better and superior to your husband. I think he feels this and this whole affair situation must be doubly humiliating for him.

[KateHR]

I don't look down to my husband. My husband's schedule is insane and he has no control over it. I worked 60-70 hours a week because I chose to. At the end of the day, he is happier becasue of his "blue color" job as he doesn't have to carry responsibility and potential legal consequences caused by employees. I do. He had multiple opportunities to become a manager. At one company he was even forced to take the promotio n, but he resigned because of that. He would be a great manager: fair and consistent. He loves his job/money/benefits, but he hates his hours. His hours messed up our life. I was aggressively pursuing my Bachelors at that time, then Master's. When I realized that our family could be better off when we can spend more time together vs money, I offered him to be a stay at home dad. Because his hours were insane. I was thinking that money is not everything. No matter how much you earn, there always be never enough. He disagreed.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't look down to my husband. My husband's schedule is insane and he has no control over it. I worked 60-70 hours a week because I chose to. At the end of the day, he is happier becasue of his "blue color" job as he doesn't have to carry responsibility and potential legal consequences caused by employees. I do. He had multiple opportunities to become a manager. At one company he was even forced to take the promotio n, but he resigned because of that. He would be a great manager: fair and consistent. He loves his job/money/benefits, but he hates his hours. His hours messed up our life. I was aggressively pursuing my Bachelors at that time, then Master's. When I realized that our family could be better off when we can spend more time together vs money, I offered him to be a stay at home dad. Because his hours were insane. I was thinking that money is not everything. No matter how much you earn, there always be never enough. He disagreed.

 

You both work crazy hours. 60-70 hours a week makes it difficult to maintain intimacy, especially if he is on a different schedule.

 

What did you do with your husband to maintain intimacy?

 

And be honest, did you put greater effort towards OM?

[KateHR]

Well...before I even met my MM, we had deteriorating sex life. I just focused on my job. When I met my MM, I stopped having sex with my husband. I never slept with both of them at the same time.

[DKT3]

Well...before I even met my MM, we had deteriorating sex life. I just focused on my job. When I met my MM, I stopped having sex with my husband. I never slept with both of them at the same time.

 

As per normal with this thread, someone asks a question about your efforts towards your husband and you redirect to OM. I really hope you go back and read this.

[KateHR]

I want to say THANK YOU to all of you for the support. Those who were blunt with me deserve the most respect as it is the most effective. The problem is ME. Nobody else.

 

 

I dont want to take this site for granted. What a bunch of wise people, insightful opinions, and bitter experiences. I will never give up on human beings. :-)

[Cephalopod]

Are you firing us?

[KateHR]

You give me too much authority. Lol

 

Firing is the worst part of my job. In many cases, people fire themselves. I still prefer to call it "exiting" my employees. :-)

[Miss Clavel]

I am not good at verbalizing my current situation.

 

1. I wanted to be with my MM before he came back to his wife. Yes, I wanted to be with him. I was not sleeping with my husband during my relationship with him. (Now after have gone through self-reflection, I see how absurd it was to get into another relationship right away! Ridiculous!) As of now I DON'T want to be with him. At all. Even if he is divorced. We BOTH feel it is not right now. That's why I stopped it.

 

2. My marriage is NOT dead. I do feel that I love my husband. But I need to admit I dont feel crazy passion that I felt for MM. I am glad I don't as my love to my husband is more mature. I do show deeper affection to my husband now becasue I do feel doing so, not because of guilt. I hug him, I cuddle him, I kiss him. Sex is much more passionate and fulfilling. We French kiss again. We have not had it for over 3 years. My marital life before the "affair" was mostly a roomate marriage. Now it is a miracle.

 

3. I dont sacrifice myself to the extent some of you think. But i express my concern that it is so strange to me. I cannot just trick my heart into blocking my feelings that existed for the OM.

 

4. But I took steps for it. I stopped communication. I emotionally got to the conclusion that I dont need him.

 

5. Yes, I was weak to meet with him again when he contacted me. But we did not have intercourse. I think we finally reached the closure that we both needed.

 

6. i'm totally pissed off his wife is pregnant.

 

that's what it sounds like to me.

[KateHR]

I do respect his wife. When she contacted me, I felt her pain. I do feel sorry for her. I wish her healthy pregnancy. The baby needs an emotionally stable mom.

[Cephalopod]

Good to see you respect someone. Too bad it isn't your husband.

[NTV]

Good to see you respect someone. Too bad it isn't your husband.

 

Ouch.

 

10 characters.

[ShatteredLady]

The problem with being a stay at home parent is the utter vulnerability. It seems like a great idea when first planning a family. All the books say that is good for kids development etc etc etc. You're so in love. You're about to become a FAMILY. Discisions are made based on what's best for ALL of the family members.

 

But what happens when the working spouce gets itchy knickers & starts having affairs? The SAH becomes the trapped, disrespected looser. Read the things working spouses say about having to pay alimony!!!

 

From my life experience I would never advise ANYONE to give-up their career. People are too fickle.

[Midwestmissy]

Shattered, I got to enjoy my kids. When my wh stepped out, they deserved a parent who behaved like an adult. His knickers got itchy because his white upper class privileged life wasn't giving him enough, not because I was home. And his problems didn't disappear after he was done scratching. His issues came from within him.

 

Staying home is definitely not for everyone but it remains the best decision I've ever made. My oldest left for uni and I knew I could not have spent more time with him than I did. Those years flew by, I'm so glad I had them.

[ShatteredLady]

To be completely honest MidWestMissy I completely agree with you on so many levels. I'm a SAHM & find such joy in raising my babies.

 

It shocked me to say the least that someone who has itchy knickers & isn't a safe partner would be wanting their spouce to give-up his way of financially supporting his children if she does run off with an AP.

 

I moved continents to support my H. I left my very lucrative career. If he had remained loyal I wouldn't regret a thing.

 

His plan was to drop-out leaving us destitute in a country where I'm not entitled to any kind of financial support. It terrified me!!

[BenchCoach]

It sounds like you're husband is so co-dependent on you, that he'd rather bury his head in the sand, rugsweep the affair, and hope things get better. he doesn't seem to mind the status quo, per-say.

 

as to you, you seem to be just "ok" with giving it another shot. The way you describe your feelings toward the whole reconciliation thing, seems rather cold... maybe indifferent is a better word. I mean, it sounds like you and this OM were very close to to divorcing and riding off into the sunset together. I'm sorry, but I don't see you coming back from that and rekindling those romantic feelings you once had for your husband.

[harrybrown]

Well...before I even met my MM, we had deteriorating sex life. I just focused on my job. When I met my MM, I stopped having sex with my husband. I never slept with both of them at the same time.

 

So you cut off your H.

 

Have you been tested for stds?

 

Hope you give your H the truth.

 

So how will you fix this for your H?

 

Does he get to go have his fun?

[KateHR]

Ridiculous. If you read my previous posts, I was so determined. I would never think I will break and go off guard. And here we are: "madly in love again".

This time we have been without each other just to realize that emptiness in our marriages led us to seek validation somewhere else. We both tried to focus on our spouses and even when apart, we tried to find a spark with someone else unintentionally (we both noticed we could innocently flirt with coworkers). We admitted that none of us would complicate things even more. None of us is willing to act on shallow chemistry with other people. We are not animals. We are both paranoid of deseases. We tested before we slept with each other. During the hike today we analyzed our emotions and talked about how serial cheating occurs if not careful with uncontrolled animal instincts.

 

We are back together professing our love to each other. I am high again from my love to MM. I have my stability at home and don't want to change anything. I don't want my MM to be my life partner, but I love him. I want us to keep our thrill and love madness. I told him that I would be afraid to have the same marriage if we stay together. I enjoy our hikes, getaways, lunches, business trips, etc. Romantic part is amazing! I know I sound completely selfish, but I started to think we have more to us. Something deeper. We are open with each other and realistic. Yes, we are both cowards and selfish to confess to our spouses the second time. But I don't want him to and I will never tell my husband the truth. I am a bad person.

[Bambi1234]

I think my MM went back to his marriage for the same reasons that you are. Comfort and that he wanted to protect her... loyalty. All those things that sounds like great rationalizations. Although he lied to me about being married, I know he didn't lie about how unhappy his marriage was. You are hurting everyone involved in this situation by not being truly honest with him, yourself and your OM. The addiction is real but the feelings might not be....

[DKT3]

Ridiculous. If you read my previous posts, I was so determined. I would never think I will break and go off guard. And here we are: "madly in love again".

This time we have been without each other just to realize that emptiness in our marriages led us to seek validation somewhere else. We both tried to focus on our spouses and even when apart, we tried to find a spark with someone else unintentionally (we both noticed we could innocently flirt with coworkers). We admitted that none of us would complicate things even more. None of us is willing to act on shallow chemistry with other people. We are not animals. We are both paranoid of deseases. We tested before we slept with each other. During the hike today we analyzed our emotions and talked about how serial cheating occurs if not careful with uncontrolled animal instincts.

 

We are back together professing our love to each other. I am high again from my love to MM. I have my stability at home and don't want to change anything. I don't want my MM to be my life partner, but I love him. I want us to keep our thrill and love madness. I told him that I would be afraid to have the same marriage if we stay together. I enjoy our hikes, getaways, lunches, business trips, etc. Romantic part is amazing! I know I sound completely selfish, but I started to think we have more to us. Something deeper. We are open with each other and realistic. Yes, we are both cowards and selfish to confess to our spouses the second time. But I don't want him to and I will never tell my husband the truth. I am a bad person.

Tick tick tick

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ridiculous. If you read my previous posts, I was so determined. I would never think I will break and go off guard. And here we are: "madly in love again".

This time we have been without each other just to realize that emptiness in our marriages led us to seek validation somewhere else. We both tried to focus on our spouses and even when apart, we tried to find a spark with someone else unintentionally (we both noticed we could innocently flirt with coworkers). We admitted that none of us would complicate things even more. None of us is willing to act on shallow chemistry with other people. We are not animals. We are both paranoid of deseases. We tested before we slept with each other. During the hike today we analyzed our emotions and talked about how serial cheating occurs if not careful with uncontrolled animal instincts.

 

We are back together professing our love to each other. I am high again from my love to MM. I have my stability at home and don't want to change anything. I don't want my MM to be my life partner, but I love him. I want us to keep our thrill and love madness. I told him that I would be afraid to have the same marriage if we stay together. I enjoy our hikes, getaways, lunches, business trips, etc. Romantic part is amazing! I know I sound completely selfish, but I started to think we have more to us. Something deeper. We are open with each other and realistic. Yes, we are both cowards and selfish to confess to our spouses the second time. But I don't want him to and I will never tell my husband the truth. I am a bad person.

 

No, you are like a typical married man who likes affairs - a cake eater. That was my xmm. You just described him. Women tend not to be able to handle that though, we get all attached and want to be with the person for real. Did that happen the first time?

 

I'm not touching if you are right or wrong. I'm not one to judge. I am all woman. No sharing.

Edited October 22, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[DKT3]

No, you are like a typical married man who likes affairs - a cake eater. That was my xmm. You just described him. Women tend not to be able to handle that though, we get all attached and want to be with the person for real. Did that happen the first time?

 

I'm not touching if you are right or wrong. I'm not one to judge. I am all woman. No sharing.

 

She is all tangled up with emotion. I'm guessing husband provides a better life, I'm also guessing husband is a nice safe guy that she views as weak and sexually inferior.

[MidnightBlue1980]

She is all tangled up with emotion. I'm guessing husband provides a better life, I'm also guessing husband is a nice safe guy that she views as weak and sexually inferior.

 

Not necessarily. The husband may give those things or may not but it often has nothing to do with that stuff or the husband at all. We just fall in love. When a woman falls in love with a man (or a man with a woman), she or he will give up, do and endure anything to be with him or her. It is an all encompassing emotion - the kind of emotion that led King Edward VIII to give up his throne to marry the woman he loved.

 

Unfortunately, typically it is only one of the two who feels like that. The other person just wants some cake on the side.

[malvern99]

Ridiculous. If you read my previous posts, I was so determined. I would never think I will break and go off guard. And here we are: "madly in love again".

This time we have been without each other just to realize that emptiness in our marriages led us to seek validation somewhere else. We both tried to focus on our spouses and even when apart, we tried to find a spark with someone else unintentionally (we both noticed we could innocently flirt with coworkers). We admitted that none of us would complicate things even more. None of us is willing to act on shallow chemistry with other people. We are not animals. We are both paranoid of deseases. We tested before we slept with each other. During the hike today we analyzed our emotions and talked about how serial cheating occurs if not careful with uncontrolled animal instincts.

 

We are back together professing our love to each other. I am high again from my love to MM. I have my stability at home and don't want to change anything. I don't want my MM to be my life partner, but I love him. I want us to keep our thrill and love madness. I told him that I would be afraid to have the same marriage if we stay together. I enjoy our hikes, getaways, lunches, business trips, etc. Romantic part is amazing! I know I sound completely selfish, but I started to think we have more to us. Something deeper. We are open with each other and realistic. Yes, we are both cowards and selfish to confess to our spouses the second time. But I don't want him to and I will never tell my husband the truth. I am a bad person.

 

Quick question. Why were/are you still hiking or in any sort of contact with your AP after putting your BH through false reconciliation once already? Is he worth blowing up your family for? If so, God speed. Just do with full honesty. Good luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ridiculous. If you read my previous posts, I was so determined. I would never think I will break and go off guard. And here we are: "madly in love again".

This time we have been without each other just to realize that emptiness in our marriages led us to seek validation somewhere else. We both tried to focus on our spouses and even when apart, we tried to find a spark with someone else unintentionally (we both noticed we could innocently flirt with coworkers). We admitted that none of us would complicate things even more. None of us is willing to act on shallow chemistry with other people. We are not animals. We are both paranoid of deseases. We tested before we slept with each other. During the hike today we analyzed our emotions and talked about how serial cheating occurs if not careful with uncontrolled animal instincts.

 

We are back together professing our love to each other. I am high again from my love to MM. I have my stability at home and don't want to change anything. I don't want my MM to be my life partner, but I love him. I want us to keep our thrill and love madness. I told him that I would be afraid to have the same marriage if we stay together. I enjoy our hikes, getaways, lunches, business trips, etc. Romantic part is amazing! I know I sound completely selfish, but I started to think we have more to us. Something deeper. We are open with each other and realistic. Yes, we are both cowards and selfish to confess to our spouses the second time. But I don't want him to and I will never tell my husband the truth. I am a bad person.

 

I just read this:

 

"I am an addict. I tried to stop but nothing is as fun as my drug. And when I take my drug, I don't care who I hurt because it is so exciting. This makes me a bad person, as an afterthought."