My MM and I in love again

[KateHR]

Right now not telling him the truth is an attempt to protect my hubby. I am done with MM. Done as I have never felt before. Why to put my dear husband through this. This time is an intentional action just to PROTECT him. From pain. I also feel numb in so many ways. I just feel warmth and duty to make him happy again. I want to take care of him. And I do it. But at some point I do it automatically. My heart is numb.

[dreamingoftigers]

I keep asking my husband if he is sure that he is in love with me and wants to deal with it for the rest of his life. He did say "yes". Also he said that it is all about our daughter. He came from a broken marriage. He said that all women are nuts in some way and I am the most normal he has ever seen. Even if i cheated. He said he always appreciated my honesty. I told him right away that i am in love with someone else. My husband is VERY realistic about life and women. He is very educated on this subject. He informed me that I am acting selfish amd that I am not thinking straight because I was infatuated. I was so blind. So so blind. He was right. He is a saint. He always says that I am just a human who makes bad choices, but that overall I am fine and that he NEEDS me. I honestly occasionally think that I am just a piece of sh.t myself and don't deserve him. Odd enough my marriage changed the dynamics. I want to make my husband happy regardless of my own feelings. I don't want to let him down. But you are right: my thoughts are somewhere else. My thinking process scares me. I am split in two. I dont want to cheat and will never do. But emotionally I entertain myself somewhere else when i go to bed or when i wake up or when i have a chance. Sickening.

 

Hold on. You're giving the MM crap when you are meeting him for hikes, lunches and "tried to sleep together" after reconciling with your husband.

 

I think your husband might be right about women, and I'm a woman. Jeepers Cripes.

 

Pot meet kettle.....

[dreamingoftigers]

Kettle, meet pot. Pot, say hello to kettle.

 

 

 

You're betraying what little trust your BS has left by hiking and noshing with your AP while his BS sits at home pregnant with his 4th child?

 

Just when you think you've heard it all...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I didn't even read your post before I posted mine.

 

What a projection eh?

 

OP: SEEK COUNSELING.

[dreamingoftigers]

I honestly was a coward to tell him the truth this time. I just hinted that I am emotinally disturbed and it will be over soon. I asked him if he wants to talk about it. He chose not to. I only admitted that I am still a wreck and have some flashbacks and I am sorry about it. That's where I asked him if he is sure that he is in love with me. I am surprised how peaceful it became in my family. Sex, romance and caring came back. Is it just gulit? Hysterical bonding? I shared these thoughts with the MM as well. He also has more questions than answers. He suspects that we just found something in each other that we have been missing in our spouses. But I argued that i stopped seeing my MM as my soulmate becasue I stopped respecting him. I also speculated that one of us or both (MM and/or I have low self-esteem). We are weak.

 

If there's one word that seems to cross the lips of virtually every serial and dismissive cheater I have heard of its "soulmate."

 

There is something so singularly toxic attached to that word, like you could just find this one, soul-matey person that's 'destined' for you, that just somehow is MARRIED to someone else.

 

What is with that?

 

If they were your "soulmate" from "destiny" blah blah, then how did they end up MARRIED and with CHILDREN with someone else? How come the "Universe" didn't send their spouse their "soulmate." Before 3 children cane into the picture?

 

How come you're MARRIED?

 

Ugh. Such magical thinking.

[Clay]

By not telling him the whole truth your not protecting him. This is a common mistake. I know he may not want it right now but what you can do is write down a complete time line of all the things that happened with you and your affair partner. I would detail just what you did and when. I would just write it all down and give it to him. Tell him when ever he wants to read it he can and its at his discretion. This gives all the information and that way you can't come back later and change your story without any consequences.

 

C

[KateHR]

As I stated before: I do understand that my actions ARE wrong. I don't justify my actions by saying that he is my soulmate. No excuse. At all. Also to expand my definition on soulmate it is not necessary a person whom I destined to be with. It is a person who brought to your life for some specific purpose. Self-reflection is one of them. Learning and redirecting yourself. At any rate, I am just trying to move on. That's it. I am still doing some soul searching. I feel remorse. I do. But in some odd way. To me it feels like i sacrifice myslef now to make my husband happy and keep my family together. I put my own feelings on the shelf and I am OK with that. Seeing my husband and my daughter happy is what makes me happy. I am trying to evaluate if it is right. It is not that i am forcing myself or acting. I am sincerely doing it becasue I want to do it. But I guess I do it mostly because it is the right thing to do. Not becasue my heart wants to. I am confused.

[dreamingoftigers]

Right now not telling him the truth is an attempt to protect my hubby. I am done with MM. Done as I have never felt before. Why to put my dear husband through this. This time is an intentional action just to PROTECT him. From pain. I also feel numb in so many ways. I just feel warmth and duty to make him happy again. I want to take care of him. And I do it. But at some point I do it automatically. My heart is numb.

 

Stop that! "Protecting your husband"

 

You betrayed him AGAIN. And now you are lying about it and somehow blaming MM. !!

 

I get that you have warm feelings towards your husband, but right now your husband needs RESPECT more than warm regard.RESPECT means 1. Honesty and 2. Commitment. That means dropping the MM, completely, BLOCKING ALL AVENUES OF CONTACT. And 3. Accepting and ENACTING FULL RESPONSIBILITY for cheating on him. Not just saying "oh I'm so bad, but not as bad as all of the other cheaters. They are SO SO bad."

 

It's not about "how bad" you are on the cheater spectrum, but that you GET OFF of participating on the cheater spectrum at all. And that includes LYING to and gaslighting your partner even further.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

Do you see anything wrong with villianizing your affair partner (yes, partner not captor) and then martyring yourself under the auspices of protecting your husband? Honest question.

 

I can't get over how having a month of no emotional connection and opportunity to block him and talk to your husband, you waited until you got weak but "just did lunch?" That's a purposeful, willful, and deliberate choice if there ever was one.

Edited September 29, 2016 by OneLov

[harrybrown]

so think that your H has this A and lied to you.

 

Do you really love and respect your H, by even having any contact with the OM?

 

Do your H a favor. Write out for him a timeline and diary of your A.

Give him the truth.

 

 

Also get tested for stds. show him the results.

 

Also DNA your daughter to show him, she is his child.

 

Show your H that you have exposed your OM by sending your written timeline to his wife.

 

Expose your A to your parents and family. This will help you to stop all contact with the OM. If you work with the OM, then get a different job.

 

Give your H the information of how you contact the OM, and send a NC letter.

 

where is your daughter when you have hikes and lunches with the OM?

 

So if your H did all this in his A, how would you really feel?

 

Get an appointment with affair recovery to help your spouse heal.

 

Have you read "not just friends"?

 

or have to help your spouse heal from your A? You need to start being honest. Two days is nothing.

 

Your H does not know all the rotten pieces to the puzzle and how you do not respect him or love him to treat him like this.

 

So if you do not love him, give him the timeline and the D. but be fully honest. And pay child support so he can keep your daughter from being abused by the OM.

 

Good luck to your family. Stop being so selfish and think of your daughter at least. Divorce first, then run around with other married men.

[DKT3]

Wow talk about delusions. What I'm reading is your so selfless that your willing to forgo your own happiness in a sense jumping on your sword to take care of your husband...but the questions that come are 1) what makes you so great to think a man would rather be with a woman who feels she is suffering by being in a relationship 2) how exactly are you taking care of your husband by lying misleading and bouncing on another man's junk? 3) what's really keeping you from being honest? It's clear you care very little for your husband so how can you possibly be interested in not hurting him?

 

I seriously doubt anyone would want anyone who feels they have to be a martyr to be in a relationship with them. Totally delusional.

[KateHR]

When I met the MM and told my husband the truth, I DID plan to get out of marriage. I did think I was in love with the MM who worked on getting out of marriage. We did tell his wife about each other. So for those 3 months of us toghether, I had serious plans about being with that guy. My heart was full and I was open with my husband. We refinanced our house and agreed on divorce. Peacfully. When I was told that my MM wants to try to save his marriage, I was in pain, but I thought it is the right thing to do. Actually, I told him I would be extremely happy if he saves his family. He had all my adoration, all my respect at that time.

 

When he was back into my life in a couple of months, that's when I lost everything for him. My heart was still with him at some point. I can't turn it off and on by a command. But yes, I still decided to work on my own marriage. My husband asked for it. Now everything is more stable when crazy feelings are not involved. My heart is still confused, but my mind acts rationally. Only this situation helped me prove that my marriage is NOT dead and full of potential. But it is not easy to forget the relationship I had with the MM (before he showed his ugly side).

[Mr. Lucky]

When I met the MM and told my husband the truth, I DID plan to get out of marriage.

 

If the marriage is so bad you literally fall into another man's arms, why go back to it? Tends to invalidate all the soulmate/destiny/addiction verbiage and rationalization common to many WS's...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

When I met the MM and told my husband the truth, I DID plan to get out of marriage. I did think I was in love with the MM who worked on getting out of marriage. We did tell his wife about each other. So for those 3 months of us toghether, I had serious plans about being with that guy. My heart was full and I was open with my husband. We refinanced our house and agreed on divorce. Peacfully. When I was told that my MM wants to try to save his marriage, I was in pain, but I thought it is the right thing to do. Actually, I told him I would be extremely happy if he saves his family. He had all my adoration, all my respect at that time.

 

When he was back into my life in a couple of months, that's when I lost everything for him. My heart was still with him at some point. I can't turn it off and on by a command. But yes, I still decided to work on my own marriage. My husband asked for it. Now everything is more stable when crazy feelings are not involved. My heart is still confused, but my mind acts rationally. Only this situation helped me prove that my marriage is NOT dead and full of potential. But it is not easy to forget the relationship I had with the MM (before he showed his ugly side).

How can there be potential in a marriage where you feel you have to be a martyr? Where you don't love or respect your spouse, where you are only interested because the other man was interested in keeping you as a side piece.

[BluesPower]

To me it feels like i sacrifice myslef now to make my husband happy and keep my family together. I put my own feelings on the shelf and I am OK with that. Seeing my husband and my daughter happy is what makes me happy. I am trying to evaluate if it is right. It is not that i am forcing myself or acting. I am sincerely doing it becasue I want to do it. But I guess I do it mostly because it is the right thing to do. Not becasue my heart wants to. I am confused.

 

First everyone, try not to come down too hard, I think she is trying.

 

Look, in a perfect world, would you want to be with the other man? Be real, would you?

 

Next, why do it in the first place? Did you feel unloved? Did you feel like you just needed to have some hot sex? Was the sex life at home too dull. Was it just for excitement? Did you feel entitled?

 

These questions all need to be answered. And here is the real deal: Marriage is about sacrifice. It is totally about sacrifice. You sacrifice the right to screw anyone you want because you LOVE the person that you are marrying. In exchange you get a number of benefits, one being a real relationship.

 

You are sacrificing, for sure now that you had an affair, and you should have been all the time.

 

You either love your husband and want to be with him or you don't. It is really that simple.

 

If you don't love him, then have the decency, after he is better, to divorce him so he can find someone that really loves him and does not mind the sacrifices of a marriage.

 

Does any of that make sense? And look, I am not dogging you out, I have done so many more and worse things than you have. But, honestly, you need to get real about your feelings and make a permanent decision about the rest of your life.

 

Your children and husband deserve you to FULLY be engaged with your marriage and your family, and not hiking with your OM.

[DKT3]

First everyone, try not to come down too hard, I think she is trying.

 

Look, in a perfect world, would you want to be with the other man? Be real, would you?

 

Next, why do it in the first place? Did you feel unloved? Did you feel like you just needed to have some hot sex? Was the sex life at home too dull. Was it just for excitement? Did you feel entitled?

 

These questions all need to be answered. And here is the real deal: Marriage is about sacrifice. It is totally about sacrifice. You sacrifice the right to screw anyone you want because you LOVE the person that you are marrying. In exchange you get a number of benefits, one being a real relationship.

 

You are sacrificing, for sure now that you had an affair, and you should have been all the time.

 

You either love your husband and want to be with him or you don't. It is really that simple.

 

If you don't love him, then have the decency, after he is better, to divorce him so he can find someone that really loves him and does not mind the sacrifices of a marriage.

 

Does any of that make sense? And look, I am not dogging you out, I have done so many more and worse things than you have. But, honestly, you need to get real about your feelings and make a permanent decision about the rest of your life.

 

Your children and husband deserve you to FULLY be engaged with your marriage and your family, and not hiking with your OM.

 

There are sacrifices in marriage IE live on the east coast or west coast, no taking a promotion because it interferes with family life. She is playing Joan of arc here, it makes it seem like being married to this man is akin to having her hair cut off and being lead through the town square as she is being stoned.

 

Who wants someone that feels that way?.

 

She speaks of being confused and wanting to do the right thing , about how her heart isn't in her marriage then exclaims there is so much potential...it's not reality its delusion. On which end I'm not sure. My point is, no one deserves to be tied to a person who really detests the thought of being married to them, yet is feeding them a line of bull.

[NTV]

Putting your feelings on a shelf is not necessarily A Bad Thing. I regularly feel like karate chopping *******s in the throat. That would put me in jail. I recognize the feeling and then note that emotions are fleeting and change over time.

 

Honestly if you take every ounce love attraction passion whatever it was you had for this other guy.... and went to Walmart what could you buy with it?

 

I'm glad you realize that you can't let your emotions Drive the train right now. That's why I think your marriage might have hope.

 

I think one of the reasons why you posted was not just that you were venting but that you also were in a way asking for help. So here's my advice that I hope will help you:

Start a journal

Research ways to help your spouse heal from an affair

Look into counseling--individual

Read here and other places but other betrayed spouses and what they go through; try to actually grasp the enormous amount of pain that you put your husband at

Figure out why you decided to have an affair.

 

Truly you are a responsible adult and can make your own way through this quagmire. I know not all these suggestions are going to be taken and worked. I'm hoping at least one will. Good luck!

[merrmeade]

Oops, I totally didn't realize you're still lying to your husband and gave you too much credit. You still consider honesty an option. This is not like Noirek, The person I'd compared you to. I regret spending so much time on the previous posts because you just need to ignore most of what I said.

 

You're not being as straightforward as I thought. This is typical WS thinking to think the whole reason you are withholding information is for your spouse's sake. These thoughts are part of the script. Unfortunately these thoughts are also deterrents to true intimacy and trust. No one is protected. It means you are withholding a part of you and will continue to pick and choose what you want to share with him. It's not a partnership of equals.

[KateHR]

I am not good at verbalizing my current situation.

 

1. I wanted to be with my MM before he came back to his wife. Yes, I wanted to be with him. I was not sleeping with my husband during my relationship with him. (Now after have gone through self-reflection, I see how absurd it was to get into another relationship right away! Ridiculous!) As of now I DON'T want to be with him. At all. Even if he is divorced. We BOTH feel it is not right now. That's why I stopped it.

 

2. My marriage is NOT dead. I do feel that I love my husband. But I need to admit I dont feel crazy passion that I felt for MM. I am glad I don't as my love to my husband is more mature. I do show deeper affection to my husband now becasue I do feel doing so, not because of guilt. I hug him, I cuddle him, I kiss him. Sex is much more passionate and fulfilling. We French kiss again. We have not had it for over 3 years. My marital life before the "affair" was mostly a roomate marriage. Now it is a miracle.

 

3. I dont sacrifice myself to the extent some of you think. But i express my concern that it is so strange to me. I cannot just trick my heart into blocking my feelings that existed for the OM.

 

4. But I took steps for it. I stopped communication. I emotionally got to the conclusion that I dont need him.

 

5. Yes, I was weak to meet with him again when he contacted me. But we did not have intercourse. I think we finally reached the closure that we both needed.

[DKT3]

I am not good at verbalizing my current situation.

 

1. I wanted to be with my MM before he came back to his wife. Yes, I wanted to be with him. I was not sleeping with my husband during my relationship with him. (Now after have gone through self-reflection, I see how absurd it was to get into another relationship right away! Ridiculous!) As of now I DON'T want to be with him. At all. Even if he is divorced. We BOTH feel it is not right now. That's why I stopped it.

 

2. My marriage is NOT dead. I do feel that I love my husband. But I need to admit I dont feel crazy passion that I felt for MM. I am glad I don't as my love to my husband is more mature. I do show deeper affection to my husband now becasue I do feel doing so, not because of guilt. I hug him, I cuddle him, I kiss him. Sex is much more passionate and fulfilling. We French kiss again. We have not had it for over 3 years. My marital life before the "affair" was mostly a roomate marriage. Now it is a miracle.

 

3. I dont sacrifice myself to the extent some of you think. But i express my concern that it is so strange to me. I cannot just trick my heart into blocking my feelings that existed for the OM.

 

4. But I took steps for it. I stopped communication. I emotionally got to the conclusion that I dont need him.

 

5. Yes, I was weak to meet with him again when he contacted me. But we did not have intercourse. I think we finally reached the closure that we both needed.

You do realize that this contradicts just about everything you posted prior...

[KateHR]

At some point of our lives we became strangers. I spent too much time at work. I could manage any difficult situation with my employees, but I failed at home. I spent 60-70 hours managing my plant for 2 years.

 

He also worked a lot. He is a better parent than I am. More patient. More understanding. He always said that our parenting style is amazingly compelte. We neglected each other as spouses. I disapproved three vacations a year and unreasonable spending. He disapproved my career. Even though he was proud of me how much I achieved just for a couple of years. I think he was even a little bit jealous of my professional success. He is a blue color by choice and still makes over 100K a year. But his schedule is insane and I asked him to become a stay at home dad. And he asked ME to become one. It was ALWAYS a struggle. He hated how independent I am and he did not like it.

 

He is very traditional in sex. Raised very religious. We had some incompatibility in that area. Now it changed drastically.

 

I think we never new how much better we could become after my affair. We rediscovered ourselves.

[Lion Heart]

You are right. I just read my post again. I am a hypocrite. Am I really in false reconciliation as well? I do despise myself. I dont hate myself though. I am disappointed in myself. I do value and respect myself. I am becoming stronger. I just want to protect my husband. From pain. From disbalance in my family. He acts like nothing happened and it bothers me. I feel like we just starting dating again. Is he in denial?

 

It's obvious you are confused. Your talk of morality is all over the place. But you CAN sort out your thoughts IF YOU MAKE concrete decisions to:

 

A) GO TOTAL NC WITH MM (who is an unfaithful H and father..good for you to remember)

B) be completely TRANSPARENT with your BH. Yes he's in denial of the truth because you haven't communicated the status quo on your continuing affair. Being with AP or communicating in ANY way is still having an affair.

So yes you are in false reconciliation.

AP is plainly set on serial cheating. I strongly DOUBT you are his first affair. No matter what he says. You won't be his last either.

Therefore you are open for catching any types of STDs.

Have your BH and yourself tested.

Tell the BW to do so too.

 

One way I ENDED a MMs infatuation with me (he had wanted to marry me 10y before as bf / gf and I said no) was to tell him "CONTACT ME AGAIN AND I'LL TELL YOUR WIFE IMMEDIATELY" lol. THAT stopped it!

I had tried to myself for over a year.

He didn't give up.

His BW had given birth to their 2nd child in this time.

I WAS NOT IN AN EA.

HE WAS all by himself. Basically he stalked me. From interstate.

 

So you can do this.

 

You can also EMAIL your BH and CC BOTH MM and his BW (poor thing being pregnant AGAIN). Outlining everything that's happened between you both recently.

 

OR simply leave.

 

I think that's the BEST thing you can do for all concerned.

This experience will be a WAKE up call for you.

 

Your BH needs to move on. I also grew up in a SP family and I WOULD SO PREFER that for my children than live with a cheating parent and all the duplicity they bring into a child's life.

 

The affair fog clears very well for most when reality hits.

 

The CLARITY is wonderful for a BS when a cheating spouse leaves.

 

Reconciliation is never an option for me. Investing anything FURTHER is a waste of time. Worse when it's false.

 

Lion Heart

[NTV]

One of the beauties of this place too so you've got a whole bunch of different people from different places and different points in their life. So it is really super rare that any of us all agree on any one thing.

 

But as opposed to getting advice if you see it all the responders point in One direction that should be you in on something pretty important....

 

From what I can see the only common thread in all the responses is that we believe you are underestimated the negative impact of your affair on your husband.

 

Some of the folks here may be responding harshly to you because I think that by doing so it will help open your eyes to this. The truth of the matter is... if you continue doing it the way you're doing it now your marriage won't work out the way you hope or think it will.

 

Please just take a moment and read through some of the threads posted by betrayed spouses here. You sound like you're very smart and I've Got a Feeling that once you read through two or three you'll see exactly what we're talking about.

 

You say you run a plant... how long will this plant stay open without knowing what their customer needed and wanted?

 

You want some dream deep connection with your husband... that'll be impossible if you only connect with you and you never connect with him.

[Midwestmissy]

I think replies can come off as harsh because so many have read this exact same scenario and we know how it ends. Poorly. Everyone thinks their affair is different, or special or above consequences but none are. They always involve broken people and issues if character that are ignored. That's all. I think a lot of cheaters look at where you are and think "stop the train now! Don't continue! You can fix things now or you can make things even worse and really lose it all!"

 

Be the person you aspire to be. If you don't want to be a liar and a cheater, then don't associate with any. Live authentically and see what happens. It will feel a lot better than this. You're not happy!

 

And what he's doing is totally tugging the leash. You're making excuses for him - it makes perfect sense to you now, but you will be banging your head on the table in due time. You can't imagine that you're smitten with an emotionally abusive lying cheat, because that makes you one too. But that doesn't have to define you, raise the bar starting today. People here don't want you to fail, they want you to open your eyes and really be honest with your character and his.

[harrybrown]

When I met the MM and told my husband the truth, I DID plan to get out of marriage. I did think I was in love with the MM who worked on getting out of marriage. We did tell his wife about each other. So for those 3 months of us toghether, I had serious plans about being with that guy. My heart was full and I was open with my husband. We refinanced our house and agreed on divorce. Peacfully. When I was told that my MM wants to try to save his marriage, I was in pain, but I thought it is the right thing to do. Actually, I told him I would be extremely happy if he saves his family. He had all my adoration, all my respect at that time.

 

When he was back into my life in a couple of months, that's when I lost everything for him. My heart was still with him at some point. I can't turn it off and on by a command. But yes, I still decided to work on my own marriage. My husband asked for it. Now everything is more stable when crazy feelings are not involved. My heart is still confused, but my mind acts rationally. Only this situation helped me prove that my marriage is NOT dead and full of potential. But it is not easy to forget the relationship I had with the MM (before he showed his ugly side).

 

 

His ugly side is the real OM. He was trying to impress you before.

 

So the "wonderful OM" was and is a fantasy.

 

call affair recovery, you can find them online. Help your spouse heal from your A and then divorce him so he can find someone to be faithful to him.

[BluesPower]

See, when you took steps to be with him all of a sudden, he wanted to save his marriage. It is just more proof that you MM was full of S*** from the start.

 

That is right out of the MM Handbook. So typical.

 

Are you doing any better?