25-Year platonic friendship interfering with marriage

[Simpleliefe]

I am a man in my 40's that has been married for 15 years. The marriage has its ups and downs but is mostly stable these days.

 

I met a girl in high school that was a complete mismatch but we hit it off on the platonic side. We have stayed close ever since, except the last few years have faded a bit.

 

I moved away from where we grew up but I still see her once or twice a year when I return home. She got married about two years before I did.

 

Our friendship had a few bumps along the way. This girl has a terrible issue with drinking. She blacks out and got raped twice in college because of it. Sadly, this was still not enough for her to stop drinking. After those incidents she decided that I was the only guy she wasn't serious with that she would drink around.

 

She made moves on me three times while she was drinking between college and the time she got serious with the man she eventually married. I quashed advances twice but gave into a third one but stopped it before we had sex. She was dating the man she eventually married at the time but it was early on.

 

She swears she has no recollection of any of these. I tend to believe her because she does have a personality change when she hits that blackout phase. She insisted we just bury these events because they were meaningless. She really just didn't want to talk about it.

 

This girl never liked my wife but never discouraged me from marrying her. I'm more accepting towards her husband. He seems fine to me.

 

This girl is beautiful but I don't really see it until someone brings it up. When my wife met her, she wanted me to tell her about any sexual contact. Being in forced denial, I didn't tell the truth until years later. It caused some short term problems but she finally accepted it.

 

I told my friend that I told my wife and she decided to tell her husband she cheated on him with me when they were dating. He still allowed us to be friends.

 

One of the last times I saw this platonic friend, her husband was away and we had a couple of drinks, something I agreed with my wife not to do as a condition of the friendship being allowed. My friend kissed me on the lips in what would be more than friendly but not a completely passionate way and started to move her hands around when I escaped.

 

I decided to tell my wife about this. She isn't angry at me but insists it is time to end this friendship. I really don't have any defense here. She is right. I said we wouldn't drink together and we did more than this one time. It was the only time anything crossed the line though.

 

I assume my wife is in the right here but feel free to give feedback.

 

How do I break things off with this my friend? I don't want to cause problems in her marriage but she should probably know what she did and how alcohol destroyed our friendship and possibly hurt her marriage.

 

Do I call her? That gives her a chance to tell her side and not be a one-sided shouting match.

 

Do I email her? Do I just let it fade away? She is already less initiative in contact than she used to be. The friendship might die of natural causes if I stop trying.

Edited October 22, 2016 by Simpleliefe

[DKT3]

You've known her 25 years, you know how she gets an n drinking and yet you have drinks with her....come on man, you dig her coming on to you. If not it would not have happened. Not to mention she is in love with you and likely has been for most of the past 25 years....why even ask the questions? You know the answer

[Simpleliefe]

You've known her 25 years, you know how she gets an n drinking and yet you have drinks with her....come on man, you dig her coming on to you. If not it would not have happened. Not to mention she is in love with you and likely has been for most of the past 25 years....why even ask the questions? You know the answer

 

I don't "dig her coming on" to me. Maybe I should have included that it was the first time in 15+ years that she had acted inappropriately. I went back and tried to edit the post but it wouldn't let me so I bolded it here.

 

I'm really just laying the foundation to ask how do I dispose of this friendship. I realize the error in judgment I made.

[DKT3]

I don't "dig her coming on" to me. Maybe I should have included that it was the first time in 15+ years that she had acted inappropriately. I went back and tried to edit the post but it wouldn't let me so I bolded it here.

 

I'm really just laying the foundation to ask how do I dispose of this friendship. I realize the error in judgment I made.

 

Just tell her why, that your wife is uncomfortable with the"friendship" and your not comfortable with her being uncomfortable so you have to end the relationship.

[preraph]

I agree it's time to end the friendship. Tell her it's jeopardizing your marriage and not to contact you again, and then block her. She has intentionally tried to stir up trouble a time or two, and friends don't do that.

[Nowty V]

This 'friend' has obvious issues.

 

The drinking to oblivion is a huge red flag.

 

People who drink this way are 'escaping' or trying to blot something out.

 

To prevent this from happening she would have to enter therapy to deal with the underlying cause.

 

The older she gets without entering therapy and resolving her issues the more poorly she will behave.

 

Avoid her at all costs.

 

Stay well away.

 

If you bump into her give her a quick 'Hi, how are you doing, must dash' and be gone.

 

She may try and make a meal out of it, that sort love soap opera/drama, give it a BIG Swerve.

 

You have a duty to your Wife. You don't need a blast from the past causing trouble.

[kmack513]

I don't have female best buds. When I was younger I had platonic female friend and after she got married all she did was call me and whine about her husband, it was annoying. OP if you value your marriage dump the girl. Your wife must be pretty cool.

[carolann]

Your wife has put up with a ridiculous amount of BS with this "platonic" friendship. Who cares how you dump this girl. Get rid of her and take your wife on a nice vacation and buy her something that sparkles. You have a lot of making up to do and that would be a decent start.

[GunslingerRoland]

It's great that you've been looking at this relationship as platonic all these years, but I think it's pretty clear that in spite of her drinking problem, there is probably something behind the fact she throws herself at you every time her inhibitions come down. Even if you weren't in a relationship, I'd say you have to tell her you can't be friends anymore.

[Lady2163]

I don't think you're trying to have an affair or fling with her, but you're putting yourself in really bad situations.

 

You're trying very hard to make the abnormal normal. And I don't mean that a long term friendship started in high school is abnormal, I mean the drinking.

 

An alcoholic can't just have a couple of drinks. Drinking is not a wise activity to have with a problem - no matter how innocent it may sound. You don't know how many drinks she had before she met you that day.

 

Ask yourself - why would you tell your wife what happened? If there was no reciprocity on your part, if you WANTED to keep the friendship, you woild have contacted the friend the next day and said, "Nothing like that can EVER happen again." Friends keep secrets - but they also don't put their friends in an uncompromising position. Friends do sometimes have to set limits.

 

From what you've said on here, I think you want out of the friendship and have for a while.

 

But here's the tough part. I think you're probably a nice guy, but you've sort of manipulated the situation wherer you aren't the bad guy, your wife is. You can blame all of this on your wife and you get to look like the "good guy". I'm sure this woman means nothing to your wife, she doesn't care if this woman spirals into depression because she's lost a long time friend.

 

You created this....mess. First by drinking with her, then by telling your wife.

 

In my opinion, you need to step up and make this all your own. Don't hide behind your wife.

 

Now, I talk big on the Internet, but if I was in a similar position, I'd be evaluating how to avoid the friend. If I only saw him a couple of times a year, I'd be scrambling to create social situations where we aren't alone so it didn't happen again. But I'd be trying to keep things as they were because what purpose does it serve really to "drop" someone I rarely see or spend time with.

 

I'm around your age. A touch older. At around 40, I startd evaluating my friends - some of them I'd known for more than 25 years. Those that were drama llamas, created their own mess, ignored my wants or needs, were users or abusers - I phased out. A couple of them did require me to burn the bridge.

 

It's been a few years since I did that. I won't lie - it hurt and they said mean and hateful things. They did a few hateful things. Things they can never apologize for. I knew they were hurt, but I stood my ground.

 

My life is the better. I was a dork magnet. I had a lot of needy people who would have destroyed me and not thought twice about it, just moved on to the next person who could do XYZ for them.

[elisalynn]

He's asking how to end the friendship, not for everyone to point out how he didn't do the right thing. If it was me, I would just stop talking to her without saying anything. If she contacts you again, then tell her that you need to focus on your marriage and that you can't keep a friendship with a female who comes on to you because it is disrespectful to your wife. Or, call or e-mail her upfront and let her know. DON'T blame it on your wife being the one with the problem, because she might still try to push at some point thinking that you might be into it; make sure it comes across as your decision and your call and what You want. It's pretty simple, just uncomfortable.

[whichwayisup]

You tell your friend that you value, love and respect your wife and marriage more than the friendship. Wish her well and say goodbye.

[S2B]

Just tell her why, that your wife is uncomfortable with the"friendship" and your not comfortable with her being uncomfortable so you have to end the relationship.

 

I agree with this - but take responsibility for what happened between you two instead of blaming your wife for not liking it (your wife is justified given the circumstances).

 

Simply tell your friend that the friendship isn't good for either marriage and it's time to end any communication. Additionally, state clearly boundaries have been crossed that shouldn't have been crossed and it better to let it go. No need to argue about anything when you're just stating what you're planning to do to change this.

 

End of story. If your wife was having any friendship that was like this you'd want her to end it immediately too - I'm unsure why you're even waiting/hesitating.

Edited October 29, 2016 by S2B

[Survivor12]

i agree with this - but take responsibility for what happened between you two instead of blaming your wife for not liking it (your wife is justified given the circumstances).

 

Simply tell your friend that the friendship isn't good for either marriage and it's time to end any communication. Additionally, state clearly boundaries have been crossed that shouldn't have been crossed and it better to let it go. No need to argue about anything when you're just stating what you're planning to do to change this.

 

End of story. If your wife was having any friendship that was like this you'd want her to end it immediately too - i'm unsure why you're even waiting/hesitating.

 

this^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[S2B]

Did you end the friendship?

[Standard-Fare]

OP, you said the friendship might die out on its own due to "natural causes." If I were you, that's the road I'd try to take initially.

 

Just don't do a thing. Don't contact her in any way. If she reaches out to you, try ignoring her or give brief, curt responses that invite no further contact. It's very likely she'd stop trying and the friendship would just peter out in time.

 

But if she isn't having it, and seems to demand more explanation or closure from you, that's when you'd do a phone call or email.

 

"It was a mistake to drink with you those last couple of times. I don't trust you or myself when we're drinking. I told my wife that we kissed and she has every right to be mad. I won't allow this to threaten my marriage and you shouldn't allow it to threatens yours."