7 Years and heading to divorce

[higherground5]

Hi All,

 

I've been with my wife for about 7 years (married for the last 2). Over the course of this time, we had our ups and downs as most relationships do but we were extremely close - best friends and romantic partners. She would always give me the "you don't know how much i love you" and "i could never live without you" routine all the time. Life was great.

 

Over time issues started to be more apparent, but they were still scarce. First, sex started to degrade or barely even occur. This we thought was "normal" considering we were still physical with each other: cuddling and kissing, embracing every chance we got. Second, communication was terrible. This was always a major concern of mine as I was more of a communicator and problem solver than she was. She was more of the bottle it up and just brush it off type of person, which I knew wasn't healthy for either of us. Our reoccurring issues kept on coming back up when I thought they were resolved. Third, she thought I was a controlling person simply because when we started living with each other shortly after the first year, I experienced her going out all the time during the week with her friends, which is fine, but she left little room to make me think she was taking this relationship seriously - I was hardly put first when it was appropriate and it made me feel extremely neglected. Eventually the situation got better, but every now and then I got the impression she needed to "ask permission" to go out, which wasn't the case at all.

 

Fast forward to about year 4. My mom was diagnosed with liver disease and it was an extremely hard time for me and my family to watch her health spiral into decline. During this time, we got married, but life started to mess with me because I started to realize how short and precious it was. Around year 5, my mom passed away. This was obviously an extremely hard time for me and I noticed my wife wasn't really there for me emotionally. She did seem to care, but she rarely would ask me "how are you doing with all this?" or "What can i do to make this better for you?". It frustrated me.

 

At this point I started to realize I wanted more in the relationship. I wanted to feel loved and appreciated, and I also wanted a chance to lead the relationship or be followed base on certain ideas I had rather than always following the ideas she wanted to do. For example, I wanted to move closer to my family, but she didn't care to at all because all that mattered was for her to be close to her family. I understand how important it was for her, but I felt neglected again because it was apparent SHE was the controlling one and she didn't feel the need to compromise with me at all. This was frustrating, and I started to take a stand with what I want hoping she would see it from my perspective.

 

Over time we started arguing more about the same issues. We even got a dog and I saw her start putting the dog first before me. She would give the dog more love and attention than me, and I couldn't believe it because of the devastating state I was in with the loss of my mother.

 

After three therapists to try to work things out (the first two were terrible, which is why we shopped around for a bit), she decided to focus on herself. She hired a personal therapist, life coach, and started reading books about loving yourself, which I thought was ironic considering I felt like she was into herself more than she thought. Through her personal therapist, she was convinced only self-love would help save the marriage somehow. We ended up separating and within little as 2 months she wanted to head to a divorce. I couldn't believe it. I was devastated.

 

I now sit in our house alone that we bought over 4 years ago. It's in the midst of being prepared to be sold. I'm grateful we don't have kids, but I'm also extremely frustrated with how she approached ending the relationship as it was more of focusing on herself than focusing on us. Our third therapist said that we should talk and see eachother at least once a week to help improve the relationship, but she refused and only wanted to focus on herself. I feel like this alienated me and made me extremely frustrated because this was attainable in my mind considering we always would have a good time when we weren't talking about our redundant, joint issues on control, lack of communication, and having kids.

 

Now she wants nothing to do with me. She doesn't reach out to me, or text anymore, I'm completely eliminated from her life except if it has to do with the divorce or selling the house. This is far different from 6 months ago when she was texting me all day non-stop and saying how much she loves me. I do know she had a hard time loving herself, and it seems that this is about that, but I wish she did this 8 years ago before we got married. I've lost my best friend, my lover, and the woman who I thought I was going to be buried next to when I died.

 

It's time for me to focus on myself and love myself, but it's hard. Life is hard.

[Marc878]

Check you phone bill. Red flags here. Good chance there's another man involved.

[higherground5]

Check you phone bill. Red flags here. Good chance there's another man involved.

 

I had that feeling as well considering I was in a string of rebound relationships in the past and the same type of behavior was reflective in how she was acting. However, our joint therapist spoke to her alone and she swore no one else was involved, but I just found it hard to believe. To have someone be so into you and then one day completely drop all forms of communication, esp after 7 years, I couldn't buy the "we are just not good for each other" and "I need to focus on self-love" routine. However, I had to trust it. Right now it doesn't really matter anymore I suppose, but it would add more clarity to the situation for me. She did end up quitting her job and I know she's going through a semi-crisis with just life in general, but the potential for another guy in equation seemed all too real to me.

 

She never hid anything from me, nor was there anything suspicious before we separated, but I did notice one guy commenting more on her social media posts during the time we split. I thought it was f'ed up, but just thought I was over analyzing because she always had guy friends. Who knows.

[Marc878]

I had that feeling as well considering I was in a string of rebound relationships in the past and the same type of behavior was reflective in how she was acting. However, our joint therapist spoke to her alone and she swore no one else was involved, but I just found it hard to believe. To have someone be so into you and then one day completely drop all forms of communication, esp after 7 years, I couldn't buy the "we are just not good for each other" and "I need to focus on self-love" routine. However, I had to trust it. Right now it doesn't really matter anymore I suppose, but it would add more clarity to the situation for me. She did end up quitting her job and I know she's going through a semi-crisis with just life in general, but the potential for another guy in equation seemed all too real to me.

 

She never hid anything from me, nor was there anything suspicious before we separated, but I did notice one guy commenting more on her social media posts during the time we split. I thought it was f'ed up, but just thought I was over analyzing because she always had guy friends. Who knows.

 

If it is another man they always lie about it. Do you have access to the online account? At least you'll know

[higherground5]

I do not and if I did I would feel weird snooping like that. I mean sure it could be someone else, but I need to leave it open to the possibility there isn't. Either way she's gone.