Female. 30 and still single. Any hope?

[ItsAllConfusing]

I'm 30 and I can't seem to find a guy who I'm attracted to and who cares about me. I usually find one man who connects with me emotionally and intellectually but I'll not be physically attracted to him and that's important to me. Or I'd find a guy who is everything I'm looking for physically but we do not connect at all, he usually wants sex and cares very little about me.

 

I've tried online dating and it's the same scenario as above. It's also the same when I'm out and about on the streets. In fact the men who approach me on the street are usually homeless, old enough to be my dad, married,sketchy looking or men that I'm not physically attracted to. I get approached maybe once every 6 or 7 months.

 

As I get older I feel my options becoming more limited. I want intimacy and company but with the way things are going I'm thinking of just giving up or settling. I really dont want to settle. My mom and aunts have been single since they were 37 and they're in there 50s and 60s and still single!!!

 

I am also mom to one pre Teen and just having a child might limit my options.

 

What can I do?

Edited October 23, 2016 by ItsAllConfusing

[tilby]

You are never too old to find love. You just need to take a chance and open your heart.

 

When I was in my 20's it was all about looks and personality and I got just that, without the emotional maturity. Now that I'm older I prefer personality, values and average looking guys.

 

Everyone loses their looks as they age, but their personalities remain fairly consistent. As you grow more fond of a person they appear more attractive. Imagine in 20 years time if you had a partner that was attractive but you had nothing in common. Would you be happy? Could you imagine spending the rest of your life with him? I wouldn't. However, if he was a little less attractive but you had endless conversations and fun. Would you be more likely to stay?

 

By the sound of your post you're ready to settle down. Maybe you should give the average looking guy a chance. If you feel a connection go with it. After a few dates you will know if there's potential, not necessarily after the first date when nerves are running rampant.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

You are never too old to find love. You just need to take a chance and open your heart.

 

When I was in my 20's it was all about looks and personality and I got just that, without the emotional maturity. Now that I'm older I prefer personality, values and average looking guys.

 

Everyone loses their looks as they age, but their personalities remain fairly consistent. As you grow more fond of a person they appear more attractive. Imagine in 20 years time if you had a partner that was attractive but you had nothing in common. Would you be happy? Could you imagine spending the rest of your life with him? I wouldn't. However, if he was a little less attractive but you had endless conversations and fun. Would you be more likely to stay?

 

By the sound of your post you're ready to settle down. Maybe you should give the average looking guy a chance. If you feel a connection go with it. After a few dates you will know if there's potential, not necessarily after the first date when nerves are running rampant.

 

I couldn't disagree with this. NEVER settle. NEVER relent on your ideals when it comes to what you seek from a potential partner.

 

Settling will only bring you unhappiness and a lack of fulfillment. You need to learn how to be independent and happy as a single woman until a man who ticks a vast majority of your criteria list comes along.

 

Never try and force attraction or compatibility and never try and settle for someone who you aren't convinced is the man for you.

[Shining One]

OP, you sound very much like a friend of mine. She's vented about her dating woes to me plenty of times over the years. She's now 36 and still single, despite dating lots of men. Her issue is that she seems to only be attracted to men who display traits indicating that they do not want to settle down. She basically ends up wanting relationships with men who don't want relationships.

[stillafool]

I usually find one man who connects with me emotionally and intellectually but I'll not be physically attracted to him and that's important to me.

 

 

 

I wish more men would read this and realize that physical attraction is as important to women as it is men. Thanks for admitting it.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

I wish more men would read this and realize that physical attraction is as important to women as it is men. Thanks for admitting it.

 

I think most men realize this, it's not rocket science.

[stillafool]

I think most men realize this, it's not rocket science.

 

If you read around this forum it seems to be rocket science to them. They prefer to think women are mostly interested in an emotional connection.

[ltjg45]

If you read around this forum it seems to be rocket science to them. They prefer to think women are mostly interested in an emotional connection.

 

I am on this forum and I know this. I prefer it to be this way. The few women that does show interest to me does so because they are physically attracted to me.

 

The hard part is me being physically attracted to them.

[SwordofFlame]

Not sure if this will be helpful cause I'm a guy, but perhaps evaluate everything you look for in a guy. Prioritize the things you can't get from anyone else while in a relationship and make sure he has those. Try not to sweat everything else like the small stuff. For example, he likes to play golf while you prefer ice skating. Really not a big deal.

[thecrucible]

I'm almost 27. I feel a little like you. I'm still figuring it out but I hope it's a matter of prioritising certain qualities and downgrading others in importance. The looks don't bother me hugely as long as I find him attractive in some kind of way. I think of it like this. I could date a really attractive guy but if we have nothing in common, then what's the point of that. I could date an average guy (like me) and have lots of qualities in common and have a much better experience. After a while you also realise that the "something better out there" factor is not going to prevent you finding the right guy to settle down with because being single can be tough and your ideal does not exist (I mean logically speaking...)

 

When you know what to prioritise, your mind seeks it out more. I look back at certain missed opportunities with certain guys where I think we had something good on paper but it didn't quite vibe for me. Looking back now, I would give these situations more of a chance to see how they progress. I don't know if you feel the same way. It can be really trying to find both physical attraction and an emotional connection. Those guys are more attractive to me now than before because I'm more aware of what's important to me.

 

From your dating experience, can you draw up a list of 'must haves'? Would you type it up here? Maybe people here can better idea and help to figure things out.

[jesslee]

Cheer up. You are not alone. I have few friends whom are near 40s and yet still single.

 

 

It take 2 hands to clap... One may attract to another, but the other may not attract to one... Take your time to find, and am sure you will find one someday... It's better to find ONE good one, than to find 5 BAD one..

[dojob1234]

I'm 30 and I can't seem to find a guy who I'm attracted to and who cares about me. I usually find one man who connects with me emotionally and intellectually but I'll not be physically attracted to him and that's important to me. Or I'd find a guy who is everything I'm looking for physically but we do not connect at all, he usually wants sex and cares very little about me.

 

I've tried online dating and it's the same scenario as above. It's also the same when I'm out and about on the streets. In fact the men who approach me on the street are usually homeless, old enough to be my dad, married,sketchy looking or men that I'm not physically attracted to. I get approached maybe once every 6 or 7 months.

 

As I get older I feel my options becoming more limited. I want intimacy and company but with the way things are going I'm thinking of just giving up or settling. I really dont want to settle. My mom and aunts have been single since they were 37 and they're in there 50s and 60s and still single!!!

 

I am also mom to one pre Teen and just having a child might limit my options.

 

What can I do?

 

It's not easy to find one whom really and sincerely care about one. But again, there sure to be someone out there for you.

 

As for physical attraction, probably you can doll yourself more, or change the way your dressing etc. In my opinion, one whom really go for appearance, shouldn't be one you 'attract' to. And sad to say that, for some whom don't mind appearance, are usually out for lust only.

 

But still, do not give up hope. I'm already 40, and am still finding my 'right' partner as well.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm 30 and I can't seem to find a guy who I'm attracted to and who cares about me. I usually find one man who connects with me emotionally and intellectually but I'll not be physically attracted to him and that's important to me. Or I'd find a guy who is everything I'm looking for physically but we do not connect at all, he usually wants sex and cares very little about me.

 

I've tried online dating and it's the same scenario as above. It's also the same when I'm out and about on the streets. In fact the men who approach me on the street are usually homeless, old enough to be my dad, married,sketchy looking or men that I'm not physically attracted to. I get approached maybe once every 6 or 7 months.

 

As I get older I feel my options becoming more limited. I want intimacy and company but with the way things are going I'm thinking of just giving up or settling. I really dont want to settle. My mom and aunts have been single since they were 37 and they're in there 50s and 60s and still single!!!

 

I am also mom to one pre Teen and just having a child might limit my options.

 

What can I do?

 

I think, like a lot of people, you are looking for something that is hypothetical.

 

I mean, this guy who connects with you emotionally and intellectually and is hot ... do you know this man in real life? Like at any point in your life. Have you met this man and gotten to know him well enough that you can confirm he is all that you want and a bag of chips?

 

If so, then reconnect with him and go for it.

 

If not, then you might want to pick your next mate compared to the previous ones you have had. For example, maybe you dated this guy and you connected intellectually but he was an a@@hole. So, maybe the next person doesn't have the same intellectual, but is very nice. So, you decide based upon the facts, you're happier with that person.

 

The question for me is ... are you happier alone or with that person? Life is very short.

[Zapbasket]

Female: 40 and single. So if there's no hope for you, then there's even less for me.

 

Of course there's hope! It may not happen in the time frame you want, but it's far better to be single than to be with the wrong person, curling and twisting, peeling and paring your life down and around to fit the misfit that the other person is for you. It's hard to see that when you are single, but truthfully, if you can embrace your life as it is right now, you have a wonderful opportunity to really come into your own.

 

When I was 30, I'd just come out of a 5-year relationship. I wish I'd spent whatever time it took to re-evaluate where my life was headed and what I wanted, to enjoy my friendships and my freedom. Instead, I got into another relationship a year later, and it was all kinds of wrong. I relocated for it and found myself in a real mess that took years to undo. And then seven months after that relationship ended, I spent 3.5 years in ANOTHER one, that also was wrong. Hence being 40 now, and single. But now, I am so grateful to be single while I expand my life to what I want it to be. I feel that's much more solid ground on which to find and build a relationship with someone who will be a positive presence in my life.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Female: 40 and single. So if there's no hope for you, then there's even less for me.

 

Of course there's hope! It may not happen in the time frame you want, but it's far better to be single than to be with the wrong person, curling and twisting, peeling and paring your life down and around to fit the misfit that the other person is for you. It's hard to see that when you are single, but truthfully, if you can embrace your life as it is right now, you have a wonderful opportunity to really come into your own.

 

When I was 30, I'd just come out of a 5-year relationship. I wish I'd spent whatever time it took to re-evaluate where my life was headed and what I wanted, to enjoy my friendships and my freedom. Instead, I got into another relationship a year later, and it was all kinds of wrong. I relocated for it and found myself in a real mess that took years to undo. And then seven months after that relationship ended, I spent 3.5 years in ANOTHER one, that also was wrong. Hence being 40 now, and single. But now, I am so grateful to be single while I expand my life to what I want it to be. I feel that's much more solid ground on which to find and build a relationship with someone who will be a positive presence in my life.

 

I personally find it interesting when people say they regret their relationships. I look upon all my romantic relationships fondly (except one short one that I'm fairly neutral about), and I will die being glad that I had them.

 

What was so bad about the men you dated?