I have officially distanced myself from my bullying brother

[NomiMalone]

This is a post I'm writing mainly for the benefit of clearing my own mind and to serve as some form of closure to go with a decision I made recently.

 

For more than 20 years, my mother and I have been bullied by my brother who I believe is essentially decent, but unfortunately has a malicious streak in his personality. It started getting bad in our early teens. I remember reaching out to a teacher in tears because I was scared to go home. I used to dread my birthday, because I knew he'd be especially mean that day.

 

I moved away in my late teens, but he did not change. During my visits

he was often passive aggressive when he was in a bad mood. I was still often put down and treated meanly, and hence was always tense, walking on egg shells around him. I could never tell whether he would be in a good mood or bad. In instances where he seemed to be in a good mood over a long period of time, I'd be lulled into believing that maybe he had turned the corner, and would start to relax around him and open up. Then out of the blue, his mood would turn and he'd lash out again. I was often excessively nice to him out of fear, which he picked up on and led him to loathe me even more.

 

My mother loves him to bits and enables his behaviour. The family unit means everything to her, and hence I've continued contact with my brother even though I pretty much tell him nothing about my life, and never encourage him to visit me at the city where I live. It's impossible to write about the extent of his actions because it's been so many years, and because it's hard and painful to put into words. It's been difficult to accept that bullying can occur within a decent, educated family.

 

The worst thing is that my partner doesn't understand why I've never let him meet my brother. The truth was that I'd never ever even told my brother I had a partner, out of fear that his jealousy of my happiness will cause him to lash out at me with mean jibes.

 

One recent afternoon, after another awkward family lunch where my brother made a passive aggressive comment at me before we even said a proper hello (a comment to do with bothersome it was to have to give me a lift after the meal), I left (in a cab), feeling really down. (And, we had Chinese, meaning shared dishes, which is a situation in which I'm constantly worried I might order a dish to share which he didn't like, or ate too much of a dish that he did like, either of which could cause him to become mean, and this is a "standard" way I feel when I'm with him on one of his "good" days. All of which, thinking back were signs that his behaviour was toxic.)

 

After lunch, I was on the phone to my partner, upset in a way he'd never seen me before. As I was telling my partner about my brother, it dawned on me that I was a complete fool to have let myself be the subject of such ridiculous actions for so long. I realised how much my distress over my family issues probably affected my relationship with my partner. I also realised that this has created lasting damage, and is possibly at the root of the anxious attachment issues I have in relationships. Most of all, it dawned on me that I was the one suffering, not my brother. Hence I decided enough is enough.

 

From now on, he is officially cut off from my life. Any contact I have with him will be minimal and token, and done only to make my mum happy. In my mind, I no longer have any sort of relationship with him. I will no longer try to justify our lack of rapport with friends/strangers/ANYONE. And for this, I already feel so much more at peace and stronger.

 

I'm ashamed it's taken me 20 years to take this action, and I still have a lot of the aftermath of this to deal with mentally and emotionally. But the silver lining, in all of this, has been that because I learnt to be self-reliant and independent at an early age, I'm a far more confident, capable person than I would've been if I'd stayed in my home city.

 

The weird thing is that I don't even care to try and understand why he behaves in such a manner. What is done is done, and why no longer matters.

[MsJayne]

Hmm, I relate. I grew up with a sibling who was both the Golden Child and also a relentless, needling bully. It wasn't obvious abuse, just an attitude and never-ending condescension. Being related to someone doesn't mean you have to tolerate obnoxious behaviour. That's why there's so many dysfunctional, broken families. Unfortunately the family douche often gets away with it because no one wants to stand up to them and risk being the next target of their abuse. I think you've made the right decision, don't feel uncomfortable with it.

[NomiMalone]

Thanks MsJayne. Sorry to hear of your sibling too. Hope they're no longer in your life in a way that affects you. I completely agree it's easier for other family members to just sweep their behaviour under the rug than stand up to them.

 

In my case, I need to keep the peace (even if it's hanging by a thread) for the sake of my mum, who would be devastated if our family broke up.

[Raena]

I think you are doing the right thing. But how will you handle these lunches and family get together's in the future?

[NomiMalone]

Thanks Raena. I plan to make these events as short as possible without upsetting my mother, like only visiting their city for 2 nights over the Christmas holidays instead of my usual 3, and staying in a hotel so I can escape straight after a meal if I sense my brother's mood turning. I've done the hotel thing a few times now and it makes all the difference knowing I can get away from him when I need to.

Edited October 25, 2016 by NomiMalone

[Miss Clavel]

make sure you lock the hotel room door behind you and don't be alone with your brother. he sounds dangerous.