Closure from the Ex. How important to acceptance?

[Deadmeat]

As of this point, I would describe myself as being in the depressed/acceptance of the grieving process. Lately, I've been asking myself questions about my self worth and if there was anything I could've done different in the relationship.

 

I came up with this thought of contacting the ex to have a closure conversation. An opportunity for both of us to ask questions regarding the relationship and answer them with honesty. For some reason, I feel that if I were to get some understanding on what I did wrong, I can officially close off this chapter in my life and move on to acceptance.

 

Does anybody have any experience with this? Would it be best to pursue or no? And why?

[Logo]

I think it depends on the circumstances.

 

In my case, the relationship went sour in the last few weeks. Then, she cheated.

 

I asked her questions, I wanted to know why. All I got were conflicting messages. How could I trust anything she said?

 

A week later I felt like I needed closure. I needed answers. But the more I thought about it, and after reading a lot of opinions on here, the more I realized it was going to be a futile and useless endeavor.

 

Now, several weeks after, I'm glad I didn't try to meet her to get closure. There would have been no point. She would have told me whatever suited her, just to make herself feel better or to make her actions seem more justified.

 

I'm glad I didn't.

 

It's natural for people to get hurt when a relationship ends. That's the nature of things.

 

I suppose it depends on the reason for the breakup, the type of person he or she is and what you expect to get out of it.

 

If he or she broke up with you, then they should have or would have given you a reason, if they cared about your feelings and respected you.

 

If he or she broke up with you and you go back and ask what you did wrong, he or she could very well drag you through the mud and use you as a doormat.

 

It depends on the person and the circumstances of the breakup.

 

In my case, I got closure from within. When I thought about the things she said and did, I realized that there was no point in ever contacting her. It would have made my healing process worse and wound up being a humiliating experience for me.

 

If you know your ex is mature enough, careful enough with others hearts and respectful enough, then you might gain something. Otherwise, you could end up hurting more.

 

Time heals. I feel much better today than I did the week after the relationship was over. Time is also a great teacher. Through introspection and reflection, in the weeks that followed, I came to the conclusion that even though I made mistakes, nothing that I did warranted her cruelty, her resentment and disrespect and ultimately her cheating.

 

It was just her low moral standards and low character. She didn't care about the relationship. She cared about herself and her needs and wants. And she made little effort to work on the relationship.

 

Couples split up, each person learns from the mistakes he or she made and they move on. If you're like-minded, you might get closure.

 

Take a few days to think about it before you make any decision. You'll answer your own question. Just take your time.

Edited October 23, 2016 by Logo

[Bialy]

I have experience with "closure talk" --- and it can set you back a lot. For me, it worked wonders. However, for my ex, it only reignited feelings and took us down an awful rabbit hole. It was a major setback and I'm still kind of digesting it all.

 

Sometimes it really is just better to let things be and let time take its course. You will never get complete answers to things on your mind in a "closure talk." Trust me. Someone will never share the true reasons behind actions and words... and sometimes, frankly, some people don't even know the reasons behind their own behaviors.

[FTM042014]

If the relationship ended against your will and the breakup was not your idea, the only thing your ex could say to make you feel better is something along the lines of I'm sorry, I love you and I want you back. Other than that you wont get the "closure" you seek. The only way to move forward is to cut ties, go no contact and forge ahead. I know. I was there. And I wanted closure from her so bad. Everytime we spoke it only made me feel even worse.

 

Only you can provide yourself with true closure.

[jen1447]

I'm a closure fan but I can tell you what you really want is for your pain to be aired and acknowledged. You'll get few useful answers if your relationship wasn't honest straight through the breakup, but a chance to get it out in front of the audience you want can do a lot of good. I'd say go for it if your ex is actually game. It'll at least put a lot of the doubts and self-recrimination to bed a lot sooner.

[Deadmeat]

Thank you for the replies. As of right now, I've decided to hold off and mark it down to a weak moment in time. It is just very difficult right now.

 

My breakup was very blind sided for me. It had made me question my self worth. Logically I know that it is not true but my feelings don't reflect these thoughts.

 

We are also not in speaking terns so any contact with her will be weird initially.

[bubbaganoosh]

I waited 40 years for closure back in 08. After the conversation, I was just as confused like I was when the whole mess started.

 

Trust me please. It isn't worth the time or the salt of your tears because you still wont be satisfied. leave it alone and move on........be happy.

[BC1980]

I had one of those closure talks, and I accomplished nothing from it. I got closure when I moved on and he became a vague memory.

[LargoLagg]

As of this point, I would describe myself as being in the depressed/acceptance of the grieving process. Lately, I've been asking myself questions about my self worth and if there was anything I could've done different in the relationship.

 

I came up with this thought of contacting the ex to have a closure conversation. An opportunity for both of us to ask questions regarding the relationship and answer them with honesty. For some reason, I feel that if I were to get some understanding on what I did wrong, I can officially close off this chapter in my life and move on to acceptance.

 

Does anybody have any experience with this? Would it be best to pursue or no? And why?

Of course you could have done different stuff in the relationship. But in the long run, it would not have mattered.

 

What is closure for you? Do you want to understand her decision to end it? Do you need to agree with her reasons, think that they are valid? If you think about when you got to know her, and why you started going out, your reasons were probably pretty fuzzy. She was nice, she was interesting, she was whatever she was. You were the same. Then, after she'd seen it for a while, you weren't, or at least not sufficiently so.

 

You think that her saying that you smell, or that you're too neat or too messy or that she started thinking twice when she saw you stuff a burrito into your mouth or whatever will make you understand. It won't. It's likely she won't be able to give you an honest answer, other than "I just started feeling differently." It's the exact reason she decided to get involved with you, and it had a shelf life, an expiration date.

 

I think probably what you really want is to let her know how much it hurts you and to explain that you just cannot understand how in the world she can feel this way, how she can leave you behind. Your heart hopes that by doing this, she'll rediscover this feeling that she's lost and everything will be made right between you. Your mind knows that this is ludicrous, and it transmogrifies this desire for reconciliation to a search for answers, to make acceptance easier. There are no answers other than the one she's given you. The answer is no, and it is completely unsatisfying.

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry about your breakup. I know that it’s never easy, especially when you don’t have proper closure. Since you mentioned that you’re struggling with self-worth because of this, I would recommend counseling. Please take good care of yourself, okay?

[guest569]

Every situation is different.. but I'm a big believer in a clean break and no contact. I know because I can never stick to it and always regret it. It always caused more pain or prolonged the grieving process. Closure for me comes in time, when I decide that I'm ready to close that chapter and move on.

[Deadmeat]

Of course you could have done different stuff in the relationship. But in the long run, it would not have mattered.

 

What is closure for you? Do you want to understand her decision to end it? Do you need to agree with her reasons, think that they are valid? If you think about when you got to know her, and why you started going out, your reasons were probably pretty fuzzy. She was nice, she was interesting, she was whatever she was. You were the same. Then, after she'd seen it for a while, you weren't, or at least not sufficiently so.

 

You think that her saying that you smell, or that you're too neat or too messy or that she started thinking twice when she saw you stuff a burrito into your mouth or whatever will make you understand. It won't. It's likely she won't be able to give you an honest answer, other than "I just started feeling differently." It's the exact reason she decided to get involved with you, and it had a shelf life, an expiration date.

 

I think probably what you really want is to let her know how much it hurts you and to explain that you just cannot understand how in the world she can feel this way, how she can leave you behind. Your heart hopes that by doing this, she'll rediscover this feeling that she's lost and everything will be made right between you. Your mind knows that this is ludicrous, and it transmogrifies this desire for reconciliation to a search for answers, to make acceptance easier. There are no answers other than the one she's given you. The answer is no, and it is completely unsatisfying.

 

Out of everyone's reply, this one spoke to me the most. I just cannot for the life of me figure out why she ended it. She is now back on an online dating site trying to find love somewhere else. Where as for me, I am left struggling to cope with the loss of our relationship. I am just so appalled that someone can tell me they love me, kiss me with such passion and then throw it all away the next day. How does that happen!? How unfair this world is.

[Deadmeat]

I’m sorry about your breakup. I know that it’s never easy, especially when you don’t have proper closure. Since you mentioned that you’re struggling with self-worth because of this, I would recommend counseling. Please take good care of yourself, okay?

 

Thank you. I have been reading up on Eckhart Tolle to try and stay present and away from the past. It is just so difficult at this point in time.

 

She's on an online dating site going on dates. How does one not feel unworthy when that happens. She would rather be seeking elsewhere than fighting to keep what we had.

 

I feel rejected. I feel angry. I feel fear. I feel anxious. I feel tired. I feel depressed.

[TooRational]

Let me share my experience which seems different from others. I also needed closure and my ex was nice enough to accept to have a few beers to talk things through. It was one week after the breakup. Probably wouldn't be as advisable if more time had passed.

 

The evening went great, lots of crying and emotions but I felt that it had been our best and most honest discussion to date. Unfortunately it was too late to repair the relationship. Emotions were high all evening and we ended up having breakup sex. It was our most intense sex ever, extremely satisfying but we both knew there was no strings attached. It wasn't a new beginning, it was farewell.

 

I'll always be grateful that she allowed for this closure. That being said, it's been four months and I still can't get her out of my head. It would have probably been easier to forget about her if she had been disrespectful like cheating or something...

[FTM042014]

Thank you. I have been reading up on Eckhart Tolle to try and stay present and away from the past. It is just so difficult at this point in time.

 

She's on an online dating site going on dates. How does one not feel unworthy when that happens. She would rather be seeking elsewhere than fighting to keep what we had.

 

I feel rejected. I feel angry. I feel fear. I feel anxious. I feel tired. I feel depressed.

It's awful. Everything you wrote , every emotio and feeling I felt the exact same. And I wanted her go on and OLD site about 2 months or so after dumping me out of absolutely nowhere. I asked myself for a year how could someone go from seemingly adoring me to not wanting anything to do with me. My friend it has nothing to do with you! I promise. It's all them. Like you said how does that happen? what kind of person could do that, I ask? One that has serious issues. Issues that they had before you came along and they will have long after if they don't get right with themselves. Now take that and start there. Begin to slowly dismantle the romanticised version of this person that you hold on to. IS SOMEONE A GOOD PERSON IF THEY DO THIS? ARE THEY SOMEONE YOU WANT TO BE WITH?

[noun123]

I had a horrific time going through my breakup last year. It was out of nowhere and I've always been really sensitive to other people's emotions so this was a total blow to the mind.

 

I couldn't figure out how the breakup came to be. At the time I thought i was so lucky because I had an understanding ex who would pick up my phone calls and answer any question I had honestly. But you know what happened? I would end that phone call feeling relived and sastified and that it all made sense. But then, the creeping would start just a couple days later. A slow but forceful creeping up of more questions and I would start to piece together my own storylines. I would think and anallyze every word that was said until the anixety and depression was so overwhelming that I had to call him again and have him answer a whole new set of questions. I did this for months. In this time, I did not move one step forward. I became obsessed with piecing this puzzle together.

 

My takeaway, there is no such thing as closure until you let yourself move on. All your questions will never be answered and you will never be satisfied. How could someone ever give you an answer that makes you think, ah yes that made sense to break my heart. It is not like giving an answer to a math equation, sometimes it just won't add up because its all based on emotion. let yourself move on. <3

[Deadmeat]

I had a horrific time going through my breakup last year. It was out of nowhere and I've always been really sensitive to other people's emotions so this was a total blow to the mind.

 

I couldn't figure out how the breakup came to be. At the time I thought i was so lucky because I had an understanding ex who would pick up my phone calls and answer any question I had honestly. But you know what happened? I would end that phone call feeling relived and sastified and that it all made sense. But then, the creeping would start just a couple days later. A slow but forceful creeping up of more questions and I would start to piece together my own storylines. I would think and anallyze every word that was said until the anixety and depression was so overwhelming that I had to call him again and have him answer a whole new set of questions. I did this for months. In this time, I did not move one step forward. I became obsessed with piecing this puzzle together.

 

My takeaway, there is no such thing as closure until you let yourself move on. All your questions will never be answered and you will never be satisfied. How could someone ever give you an answer that makes you think, ah yes that made sense to break my heart. It is not like giving an answer to a math equation, sometimes it just won't add up because its all based on emotion. let yourself move on. <3

 

Thank you for the response. It has helped me to realize that this conversation that I seek will further create more questions. I will stand by.

 

Did you end up going back to your ex noun? Just out of curiosity.

[Deadmeat]

Closure is overrated. Disinterest IS closure.

[PLT]

My personal experience is that you will get no closure from the ex unless you are VERY lucky, and they are of a particularly kind and caring nature, even though you have split up.

 

Most exs, if they are the dumper, don't want to help you move on. They want to move on themselves, but they don't give a flying **** about you. If they did, they wouldn't have dumped you.

 

Seeking closure from an ex just leads to more pain. More so if you seek it and they ignore you or deny you. That just goes further down the "Am I worth so little to them?" rabbit hole. Again, in my experience, it's easier, and simpler to just say to yourself "It just didn't work out. The reasons don't even matter anymore. We were just not compatible. The end."

[SSun]

I have had one successful closure meeting and I did desire one from my most recent ex. The successful closure meeting was helpful but didn't actually help me heal. I think it was useful because it made me feel heard and understood but it didn't help me stop hurting. I'm not against closure meetings but I think the word closure is sort of a misnomer because they don't actually help with closing the wound left by the breakup. Time and sitting with myself seemed to help me the most in that regard.