End of LDR

[picnicinthepark]

My LDR has come to an end after a year -- I am broken. Those of you who aren't familiar with my story can refer to my previous threads for reference.

 

But here is a quick summary:

- we briefly met over 2 years ago through a mutual friend and reunited in NYC last summer

- our relationship was LD from the beginning but we had a strong connection

- last October I visited her in Italy during a trip around Europe and we travelled together -- it was after this trip that we decided to try LD

- she moved back to California in December after her internships in Italy were complete

- she got a 1-year contract job in February in NYC which is only a short flight from Toronto

- regular communication and monthly visits

- we recently got new full-time jobs in our respective cities

 

We never had a concrete end date

 

Not to say we never discussed closing the gap, but we never established a specific end date for one of us to move to the other's city, or alternatively, we would move somewhere else together.

 

I can recall having a conversation with her about relocating and she was very open to moving to Toronto. I was hesitant about this and voiced my opinion because I knew (and we also discussed this at length) that there was nothing for her here in her industry (fine art). My concern was that she would be sacrificing her career for me and that she would resent me for it. Seeing that my industry (engineering) is more flexible, I was willing to compromise and move to her when the time was right. The fact that we were both on contract made things more flexible. We left it at that, but without a set end date, we were just floating.

 

We had communication issues

 

When it came to discussing important issues, we struggled. My greatest regret is that I never told her that I loved her until it was too late (during the breakup). I was afraid that she didn't feel the same way but deep down I knew she did, and she did. She never told me either -- probably for the same reasons. We expressed our love in other ways but she just needed reassurance that I was committed and we just couldn't communicate our needs to each other.

 

When I got a job here it became clear that closing the gap wouldn't be as soon as we would have liked but we agreed that we were okay with this before. We never discussed how this would change things and we just swept it under the rug. Then when she got a full-time position in NYC about a month ago I had mixed feelings but I kept them to myself. I wondered "What is going to happen to us?" and "Why is she even with me?". I was insecure in the relationship and I needed reassurance too. I did not have the emotional maturity to express my feelings.

 

On top of the both of us being so busy with our new jobs, all of these bottled-up emotions slowly manifested into arguments, silent treatments, and dismissive behaviours on my end -- I behaved the only way I knew how but I never meant to hurt her. She no longer felt safe and secure in our relationship and everything that I said from that point on was taken as judgemental and negative. She just needed my support and she felt like she couldn't be herself around me. Instead of being empathetic and caring, I was blunt and mean.

 

In the end she was done trying and decided to end things. Looking back she really did try to save our relationship because she cared so much about me. When she was trying to communicate her needs I was completely oblivious -- this haunts me everyday. I went to NYC a week ago to try to work things out but she was not willing to go back to how things were and had lost all trust in me. Everything I said went straight through her and I just wanted her to know how sorry I was, how much I cared about her, how much I loved her, how things would be different. "Actions speak louder than words" she told me and I couldn't do anything but agree. It was very hard for me to kiss her goodbye and walk away from her but I'm glad that I got to see her one last time.

 

We both have have our own deeper underlying issues

 

After further reflection and sessions with my therapist, I've realized that we weren't ready for a relationship, let alone a long-distance one. This realization is very hard for me because I cared about her so much and imagined a future for us -- I never meant to hurt her.

 

I have trouble with intimacy as a result of previous unhealthy romantic relationships and my relationship with my family. I believe that she also had trouble with intimacy in addition to low self-esteem. Overall I don't believe we were emotionally mature enough to have a healthy relationship and I'm going to try to improve myself so I don't make the same mistake in any of my current and future relationships.

 

Next steps

 

All of this is still very fresh and I'm taking it day by day. I'm working on myself so that I do not continue to hurt those I care about and love. Therapy has helped me understand my behaviours and I'm learning how to have healthy relationships. Heartbreak is an essential part of life and I am learning more about myself as I grow.

 

My only advice for anyone considering a LDR (or any relationship for that matter) is to love yourself first. Only then can you truly be vulnerable and let someone in. And if things don't work out you will know that you are capable of giving and being loved. I have turned to the LoveShack community many times for advice and support over the past couple years and I hope I was able to give back with my story. I wish you all the best in your lives!

Edited October 24, 2016 by picnicinthepark

[Els]

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, OP. LDRs are difficult at the best of times, and they exacerbate any issues either of you might have. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's a really good thing that you came to the realizations you did and are trying to work on yourself. It will definitely benefit you in the future, in many ways.

 

Take care!

[lazcas]

It's sad that things between you and that girl, but it was a good experience regardless. . You got to meet and love a special person and you are a better person after this experience because you learned from it.

[Zuur]

OP Things could be waaaay worse!

You have an understanding of what went wrong, seem smart enough to reflect.

Just keep your cool, reflect, improve, and ... you never know what the future holds.

[picnicinthepark]

I'm still grieving and am having a difficult time -- your kind words are appreciated. Work has been busy which is a good distraction and I'm continuing with therapy to improve myself.

 

My birthday passed recently and I was not able to enjoy it but I spent it with friends and family which made me feel a little better. I never heard from her which stung but I think it would have given me false hope if she had. I'm afraid I'll never see or speak to her again -- I miss her so much.

 

Lately I've been having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I feel lost and unmotivated. I'm trying to remember who I was before I met her. I was happy, I think. There is this massive void in my life and its unclear to me how I am going to replace it. One day I will wake up and my heart won't hurt anymore.

[umirano]

Been there. Just keep yourself busy. It sucks, you hate everything and question everything, I know. But that's better than being by yourself with too much time on your hand. Your own thoughts are making your life hard right now. The best way to deal with that is to be occupied with social life, work, sports. Anything. Spend an hour or two everyday in something you really love doing, even if it's unproductive or not very sophisticated. You need to feel well. Eat and drink plenty (not alcohol though) and exercise.

[picnicinthepark]

I've been having trouble coping with the breakup. Some days are better than others but I still struggle. It's been over 2 months since the breakup and over a month of NC. Work is busy but I still feel like I'm lost. I've been trying to get into a routine but it's tough. Lately I've been using drugs and alcohol to escape temporarily -- I know better.

 

Her birthday is next weekend and I'm already dreading it but I'm not going to reach out to her. I've got plans with coworkers so that should keep me busy -- I need to let go.

 

The distance... I wish things were different. I need to be honest with myself and accept that I was never in a position to close the gap between us anytime soon. I wasn't in a position to have a healthy relationship and I ended up hurting someone I loved. I need to learn from my mistakes, move on, and focus on myself.

[ElizabethIII]

It doesn't sound as though it was much of a relationship. Never really together, issues and problems throughout.

 

At least you can find someone you really get on with now closer to home.