Was This A Good Idea?

[MissCongeniality]

I tried bonding with my oldest recently she and I have a strained relationship. She's at the age where boys start paying attention and I wanted to make sure she could protect herself.

 

It started off with her being her saying she could take care of herself. So I told her to come at me (I know how it sounds) she did and I knocked her on her *** I was trying to prove a point she always thinks I'm being over protective and while I am glad she uses a can of mace when she's out with friends the fact is that is not enough I keep trying to teach her their are dangers out there a can of mace won't protect her from.

 

It just really depresses me that she thinks me pressuring her to learn self defense is pointless. I just want her to be able to protect herself.

[jen1447]

Unless she's some sort of natural badass, just knocking her down isn't gonna teach her how to fight. I guess it's admirable for you to want her to be good that way but the truth is, safety is more a matter of presence of mind than being able to kick ass. And to add to that, the only real way ppl get to be capable like that is to get your ass kicked a lot of times.

 

So ....I doubt you really want that for your daughter so yeah the better route is to teach her awareness and quick thinking skills so she can avoid the s*** before she gets into it.

[basil67]

You're teaching her to fight. But have you ever taught her how to identify a good man and what respect in a relationship looks like? Have you taught her to negotiate issues of consent? Have you talked to her about the importance of friends looking out for each other? These are the really important things.

 

Even if an issue does get out of hand, being able to defuse or avoid a volatile situation is far more important than fighting skills. Fighting is a last resort and I believe it's a mistake to focus on this.

 

She's far more likely to find herself coerced into a situation or in an abusive relationship than being attacked.

Edited October 25, 2016 by basil67

[Tayla]

Send her to a self defense class.

 

I'm against a parent sparring with a child ... it's message is ...let me be the first of many to smack you around. Apologize to your daughter. Your intent is as the saying goes.

[noelle303]

You're teaching her to fight. But have you ever taught her how to identify a good man and what respect in a relationship looks like? Have you taught her to negotiate issues of consent? Have you talked to her about the importance of friends looking out for each other? These are the really important things.

 

Even if an issue does get out of hand, being able to defuse or avoid a volatile situation is far more important than fighting skills. Fighting is a last resort and I believe it's a mistake to focus on this.

 

She's far more likely to find herself coerced into a situation or in an abusive relationship than being attacked.

 

Couldn't have said it better. For example, only around 5% od rapes happen the way people think, by being jumped in a dark alley by a stranger.

 

Most of them are committed by people the victim already knows/dates. Therefore, focusing on the things that basil67 mentioned is far more useful in terms of the dangers that lie ahead.

[basil67]

Send her to a self defense class.

 

I'm against a parent sparring with a child ... it's message is ...let me be the first of many to smack you around. Apologize to your daughter. Your intent is as the saying goes.

 

And if you do choose a self defense class, make sure it's one which focuses on words and actions as much as self defense.

[RecentChange]

You're teaching her to fight. But have you ever taught her how to identify a good man and what respect in a relationship looks like? Have you taught her to negotiate issues of consent? Have you talked to her about the importance of friends looking out for each other? These are the really important things.

 

Even if an issue does get out of hand, being able to defuse or avoid a volatile situation is far more important than fighting skills. Fighting is a last resort and I believe it's a mistake to focus on this.

 

She's far more likely to find herself coerced into a situation or in an abusive relationship than being attacked.

 

Yep, can't like this post enough.

 

I have NEVER had to use physical means to defend myself from a man (ok, one ball cruncher, but that was college, and still didn't involve brut strength)

 

What I have had to use is being a judge of character. Being aware of subtle signs. Keeping my wit's about me. BEING ASSERTIVE (that a big one), how to say no and F'ing mean it. How to distract and get to safety. How to say safe, keep friends near, not to get too drunk and vulnerable.

 

It's a sad reality that there is a rape culture in this country. When the Brock Turner case came out, all I could think is that I wasn't surprised. That kind of S*** goes on all the time.

 

I don't even know if I can count the number of times between high school and college that a guy got "really rapy" and I was lucky to get out of the situation. Honesty I would say being assertive is what saved me the most. Getting MAD and meaning it. But not once did I have to throw punches, or get into a physical altercation.

 

Talk to her about these things. About how no one has any right to her body.

[ChickiePops]

No, it wasn't a good idea. You basically just smacked your kid around..I doubt she learned anything from this.

 

I agree with Basil and Tayla..please heed their advice.

[basil67]

What I have had to use is being a judge of character. Being aware of subtle signs. Keeping my wit's about me. BEING ASSERTIVE (that a big one), how to say no and F'ing mean it. How to distract and get to safety. How to say safe, keep friends near, not to get too drunk and vulnerable.

 

Yes - this.

 

I have been in situations which were not good. But ALL of them could have been avoided had I had better skills when it comes to being assertive and sensible. If I'd had a better understanding that it's OK to say No. That not all kissing needs to lead to sex. Etc etc.

 

Violence is only required in a small minority of situations. Your daughter also needs to know to NOT use violence if it's not required - otherwise she could end up on assault charges.

[jen1447]

Just to point out but being assertive and acting tough shouldn't be used inappropriately ....bscly you have to mean what you say if you're gonna play that angle, and not being able to back up a hardass attitude can get you in a lot of trouble itself.

 

Best strategy for most ppl is always situational awareness and avoidance - recognize trouble and move/stay away from it.

[LonelyInsomniac]

Were she interested, self defense classes actually can help with assertiveness/presence in addition to knowing how to defend yourself and others.

 

The reality is, she isn't.

 

Do you know why she's not interested in self defense classes?

 

What are some things she is interested?

 

Would she be interested in a more general martial arts class, or maybe some sort of classic weapons training (fencing, staff fighting, archery, etc.)?

[Miss Clavel]

I tried bonding with my oldest recently she and I have a strained relationship. She's at the age where boys start paying attention and I wanted to make sure she could protect herself.

 

It started off with her being her saying she could take care of herself. So I told her to come at me (I know how it sounds) she did and I knocked her on her *** I was trying to prove a point she always thinks I'm being over protective and while I am glad she uses a can of mace when she's out with friends the fact is that is not enough I keep trying to teach her their are dangers out there a can of mace won't protect her from.

 

It just really depresses me that she thinks me pressuring her to learn self defense is pointless. I just want her to be able to protect herself.

 

well, i sort of went at this from the other end.. i taught mine to stay out of dangerous situations. maybe have that discussion, let it perk, then teach her how to get out of situations that require force.

 

i taught mine, frankly, too young, that the world is not always a safe place. starting with the talk about no one touching you anywhere that is covered by your bathing suit, and don't worry if someone tells you not to tell mommy what they've done or they will hurt mommy or your family cuz there is nothing you can't tell me and i'll kill the bad guys dead, trust me.

 

i saw childhood end in the oldest ones eyes, that day.

 

you are trying to tell your daughter that men/boys might want to hurt her and they do, but some of them might want to take her to the movies and peek at her bra and kiss her in the dark. don't make it seem that all boys/men are perps that require the use of force to stop.

 

later on, you can teach her to, as i taught mine, "watch who is watching you".

 

this discussion was aided by using nature shows. watch how the lion stalks the prey, the prey totally unaware that the lion is going to "pick" out the one that is "isolated" or "weak", and cut them out of the pack(safety). in order to avoid bringing unwanted attention to yourself, it helps not to wear your shorts up your butt or a bra you can see thru the blouse. not to walk around in 5inch heels late at night in a "urban" setting.

 

that advice brought on a lot of debate, them saying i'm trying to blame the victim, which i guess i am, in a way. my point is that if you don't want your purse stolen, don't walk the street late at night with your cash spilling out.

 

oh, and always wear underwear. i know it's not a rape victim's fault, ever. that rape is about power, even date rape, but i asked the orphans, okay, "how are you going to feel when the court asks you, what underwear were you wearing, how short were your shorts". sucks, but there it is.

 

if she's driving you should have already prepared her for being followed, having someone deliberately disable her car, who to call, how and where to wait for aid. never park next to a van, etc.

 

over here they have the DARE program, which teaches "no drinking, drugging and driving. right, that helped, they just calculate how much to eat and how long to wait before driving. but now, thank god for uber.

 

but they do try drinking, and men do use drink to take advantage, so you have to have that discussion as well.

 

most of my kids are popular and loyal so they go everywhere in groups and the cardinal rule, the mantra is, never, ever leave anyone alone to go anywhere, even the bathroom and never leave your drink unattended/GHB.

 

which brings up the discussion that no, it is never a drunk girls fault that she got taken advantage of cuz she was out of her mind stumbling drunk, but she does have responsibility for getting in the condition of appearing "weak" which brought on getting "cut out of the pack".

 

of course you have a strained relationship with your child. children and teens do not want to learn anything they don't already know. and they don't want to show what they don't know.

 

trayvon martin, stanford rape victim, elizabeth smart.

 

 

 

good luck

[noelle303]

 

this discussion was aided by using nature shows. watch how the lion stalks the prey, the prey totally unaware that the lion is going to "pick" out the one that is "isolated" or "weak", and cut them out of the pack(safety). in order to avoid bringing unwanted attention to yourself, it helps not to wear your shorts up your butt or a bra you can see thru the blouse. not to walk around in 5inch heels late at night in a "urban" setting.

 

that advice brought on a lot of debate, them saying i'm trying to blame the victim, which i guess i am, in a way. my point is that if you don't want your purse stolen, don't walk the street late at night with your cash spilling out.

 

oh, and always wear underwear. i know it's not a rape victim's fault, ever. that rape is about power, even date rape, but i asked the orphans, okay, "how are you going to feel when the court asks you, what underwear were you wearing, how short were your shorts". sucks, but there it is.

 

 

 

 

 

good luck

 

I mean, while I will always teach my daughter to drink responsibly and always take care of her group of friends, I will never teach her that it's her responsibility to avoid sexual assault.

 

I do agree with one thing - don't scare the living daylights out of your child. I understand that as parents we can be totally paranoid when it comes to our kids' safety, but it's important that we don't project that on to them. Educate her through an open dialogue and talk with her about love and dating in general. Not all men are rapists and pervs and she shouldn't be afraid of every man she meets and believe all of their intentions are sinister.

[anika99]

I mean, while I will always teach my daughter to drink responsibly and always take care of her group of friends, I will never teach her that it's her responsibility to avoid sexual assault.

 

I do agree with one thing - don't scare the living daylights out of your child. I understand that as parents we can be totally paranoid when it comes to our kids' safety, but it's important that we don't project that on to them. Educate her through an open dialogue and talk with her about love and dating in general. Not all men are rapists and pervs and she shouldn't be afraid of every man she meets and believe all of their intentions are sinister.

 

I'm of two minds on this. I would never ever blame a rape victim for getting raped. i find it disgusting when people question what the victim was wearing, drinking, etc. I would never do that. However I do believe in people practicing safe responsible living.

 

If a psychopath comes into my house in the middle of the night and kills me in my sleep, it's not my fault in any way. To blame me for getting killed in my sleep is utterly absurd. But I'm still going to lock my doors at night because when you get right down to it I don't want to be killed in my sleep. It doesn't matter to me if its my fault or not, I just want to live to see another day.

 

If my downstairs neighbor starts the house on fire by careless smoking it's not my fault but I'm still going to make sure my smoke detector has a working battery because I'd rather not go up in smoke, doesn't matter whose fault it is.

 

Basically when it comes to prosecuting the rapist, questioning the victims actions is just wrong wrong wrong!. But when it comes to preventing harm to ones self then I think some caution and common sense can go a long way. We take safety precautions every single day. We wear our seat belts even though it wouldn't be our fault if a drunk driver left their lane and collided with us head on. We lock our car doors even though it's not our fault if a thief or a vandal enters our vehicle.

 

When it comes to personal safety it's not about fault, it's about keeping ourselves alive and happy. Fault only comes into play when the crime has already been committed and the we should never blame the victim.

[noelle303]

I'm of two minds on this. I would never ever blame a rape victim for getting raped. i find it disgusting when people question what the victim was wearing, drinking, etc. I would never do that. However I do believe in people practicing safe responsible living.

 

If a psychopath comes into my house in the middle of the night and kills me in my sleep, it's not my fault in any way. To blame me for getting killed in my sleep is utterly absurd. But I'm still going to lock my doors at night because when you get right down to it I don't want to be killed in my sleep. It doesn't matter to me if its my fault or not, I just want to live to see another day.

 

If my downstairs neighbor starts the house on fire by careless smoking it's not my fault but I'm still going to make sure my smoke detector has a working battery because I'd rather not go up in smoke, doesn't matter whose fault it is.

 

Basically when it comes to prosecuting the rapist, questioning the victims actions is just wrong wrong wrong!. But when it comes to preventing harm to ones self then I think some caution and common sense can go a long way. We take safety precautions every single day. We wear our seat belts even though it wouldn't be our fault if a drunk driver left their lane and collided with us head on. We lock our car doors even though it's not our fault if a thief or a vandal enters our vehicle.

 

When it comes to personal safety it's not about fault, it's about keeping ourselves alive and happy. Fault only comes into play when the crime has already been committed and the we should never blame the victim.

 

Absolutely, teach safety. But which dress and underwear they wear is not a safety precaution in my opinion. Women get raped wearing jeans, sweaters, even burkas unfortunately. There was recently a showcase of the clothes women wore during sexual assault and most of the times it was plain, normal clothes. It's because rape rarely has anything to do with being ''too sexy to resist'', it's a power play for the perpetrator.

[Whoknew30]

Some of these responses are completely ridiculous...it's common sense to explain that a girl shouldn't get out of her mind drunk for reasons beyond just rape. As for the people saying "fighting" isn't the way to go...fighting is someone's only chance when being attacked. My H has shown our daughter how to fight since a young girl & guess what some boy went to attack her at school & she beat the ever living hell out of him...the principal took me to the side & said good job that we showed her how.

 

Take her to a class...don't listen to "let's talk to an attacker" bc wether a girl knows the offender or not, any man that wants to rape a woman isn't the Troy to listen to conversations...that mentality is telling a child "psychopaths" are people you can reason with...nothing else could be farther from the truth! & any man that rapes is a psychopath! Wether the girl knows him or not!

[MissCongeniality]

Some of these responses are completely ridiculous...it's common sense to explain that a girl shouldn't get out of her mind drunk for reasons beyond just rape. As for the people saying "fighting" isn't the way to go...fighting is someone's only chance when being attacked. My H has shown our daughter how to fight since a young girl & guess what some boy went to attack her at school & she beat the ever living hell out of him...the principal took me to the side & said good job that we showed her how.

 

Take her to a class...don't listen to "let's talk to an attacker" bc wether a girl knows the offender or not, any man that wants to rape a woman isn't the Troy to listen to conversations...that mentality is telling a child "psychopaths" are people you can reason with...nothing else could be farther from the truth! & any man that rapes is a psychopath! Wether the girl knows him or not!

I completely agree I mean if a man or woman (it happens there are female predators and sometimes men have partners we live in a sick world) wants to do something to you they are. There is no reasoning with them which is why I always carry a knife. They are also more likely to kill you afterwards.

[LexiCat29]

Some of these responses are completely ridiculous...it's common sense to explain that a girl shouldn't get out of her mind drunk for reasons beyond just rape. As for the people saying "fighting" isn't the way to go...fighting is someone's only chance when being attacked. My H has shown our daughter how to fight since a young girl & guess what some boy went to attack her at school & she beat the ever living hell out of him...the principal took me to the side & said good job that we showed her how.

 

Take her to a class...don't listen to "let's talk to an attacker" bc wether a girl knows the offender or not, any man that wants to rape a woman isn't the Troy to listen to conversations...that mentality is telling a child "psychopaths" are people you can reason with...nothing else could be farther from the truth! & any man that rapes is a psychopath! Wether the girl knows him or not!

 

I think the point was more that she should have taken her daughter to a class so a professional could teach her self defense rather than just knocking her down out of nowhere.

[Whoknew30]

I think the point was more that she should have taken her daughter to a class so a professional could teach her self defense rather than just knocking her down out of nowhere.

 

I agree but it doesn't take away from some of the frightening things some have said...just say no, does not & will not work on a rapist.