Two married couples in a friends with benefits situation?

[sandylee1]

I can't believe therapy was suggested to make you okay with this. Now your husband and Jennifer are well ticked off they can't continue. I think that's more than enough to tell you it wasn't just about sex for them. For someone who isn't your husband's type and that he doesn't find that attractive, he's taking this rather hard isn't he.

 

It's quite a bold move telling your friend you have a crush on her husband. I know she said she liked you first, but do you not find anything odd about the timing of all this? I mean I don't know how long you've been friends with them, but why now does she have a crush on your husband.

 

Has he suddenly become more attractive? Or spent more time with her to make her feel this way? Even if your up for swinging I'd have thought you'dmost likely say .. "yes I find X attractive". That's very different from a crush.

 

I know it was mentioned earlier that cheaters want faithful partners, but they also don't want to be the only ones stepping out at times, so they don't look bad.

 

They may not have done anything before now, but there's a very good chance she's told your husband she has a crush on him.

 

Unless you have 24 hour surveillance on someone, you cannot vouch that they aren't cheating either. People havemet up during lunch and said they're working and taken leave to hook up.

 

Anyway, good for you for standing firm and putting a stop to this. They tried to railroad and manipulate you into it.

[Sinderdawlee]

I really, really don't think my husband and Jen are going to "play behind my back".

 

Jen is upset because she feels like she's causing a rift between my husband and I. So she's basically not speaking to either one of us much, for fear that it will cause us more grief.

 

My husband also said he plans to not talk to Jen as much, and let their relationship wind down until it reaches some semblance of normalcy.

 

As I mentioned before, the "sexting" was done when I gave permission to flirt, so I don't see that as cheating, I'm just upset that nobody let me know about it. It had happened in the morning and I discovered the texts later in the evening before dinner so there was plenty of time for someone to come forward and make mention of it. I didn't see any other indication of flirting.

 

My husband claims the flirting was meant to create a more sexual atmosphere, so that after dinner with them, he could try to convince her and Jim to come to our place after and have it lead somewhere "for all of us", not just him and Jen. I don't like that their sexting didn't even include mention of me and Jim, however....but he claims he was trying to foster a separate atmosphere for each of us, to be combined later. I will admit my husband was also being a bit frisky with me that day as well, so I want to believe he's telling the truth about that.

 

My husband is upset less about "Jen being taken away from him" and more upset because he feels I could have had a better relationship with Jen if I had just "tried harder". And he's saddened that our friendship has been affected by my jealousy. Unfortunately, it's impossible for me to not be jealous when they've developed such a strong bond right under my nose and I have largely been absent from that. Part of it IS my fault. I'm just no good at flirting with people unless I'm tipsy, or I'm at a part of my cycle where I am naturally more confident and "in the mood".

 

But that's neither here nor there...the big question now isn't if my husband is going to continue to somehow "flirt with Jen" behind my back, the question is how are we going to preserve our friendship?

[RecentChange]

Think you should be more concerned about patching things up, and addressing resentment in your marriage than this friendship.

 

Honesty I think things have gotten weird, and the friendship probably isn't worth saving.

 

Sometimes you can't turn back the clock. Very few FWB return to being "just friends".

[jen1447]

But that's neither here nor there...the big question now isn't if my husband is going to continue to somehow "flirt with Jen" behind my back, the question is how are we going to preserve our friendship?

 

You and hubs or you and Jen?

[xxoo]

 

But that's neither here nor there...the big question now isn't if my husband is going to continue to somehow "flirt with Jen" behind my back, the question is how are we going to preserve our friendship?

 

THis was always a risk, right? I mean, did you intend to be sleeping with them forever?

 

A big reason why people don't screw their friends is that they value the friendship, and don't want to ruin it.

 

Nevertheless, if no one is emotionally invested in the sexual part, I don't see why the 4 of you couldn't go back to being friends as couples. Give it a little time. If there continue to be bad feelings and tensions, question again if this wasn't a cover up for a budding love affair.

[Cephalopod]

Your marriage needs boundaries: clearly established rules of conduct that you and your husband both agree to. Without boundaries your marriage will fail eventually.

 

Your husband is an affair waiting to happen.

[aileD]

Stop saying jealous and jealousy.

 

It boundary and boundaries.

 

It's not YOUR fault

[Sinderdawlee]

jen1447: Jen and myself mostly, but also all four of us in general.

 

xxoo: Yes, we knew there was a risk. It's interesting you ask if we planned on sleeping with them forever because last night, my husband said he saw this as a temporary things that may last "6 months to a year" until one of us moves away or some other big life event (like having kids) happens. But I mean, there's no way to know what the future has in store. I do think it is possible to go back to being friends with them, but it will take time, as you said.

 

Cephalapod: Yes, it does need boundaries. I don't think it's an affair waiting to happen, though I see why so many people are coming to that conclusion. Essentially, all transgressions that have happened to date have happened because boundaries were not established well enough. I myself made mistakes here, including flirting with Jen and Jim when my husband denied me sex one night. (This was weeks ago, and this became a "no no" since then.) No one has gone out of their way to "break the rules", it's just the rules have been very, very vague. The biggest problem is not a single one of us has ever done anything like this before, so the process of figuring out what "is" and "is not" okay has been very messy. Basically the only way we've been able to establish what's not okay is waiting for not okay things to happen, getting angry about them and then incorporating them into the "rules". I could even still see it potentially working in the future now I at least know what NOT to do, but for now, it can't be done.

 

allieD: Thank you, but the emotion that I am feeling IS jealousy, however the jealousy exists BECAUSE of vague or non-established boundaries.

[Cephalopod]

Well your husband isn't giving you any options is he? Because he has to be all complex and need emotional attachment to enjoy sex with another woman, that precludes you and he going out and finding an anonymous swinger couple to play with, which, I guess, is the best way to go about it.

 

But swinging with friends is a disasterous plan. I say if he is going to get all butt-hurt and mope and pout because you wouldn't let him bang your friend, you need to tell your friends that the four of you need to just go your separate ways so that your husband can get over his infatuation.

 

If the two of you cannot be on the same page about having emotionless, FWB or anonymous swinging, you don't need to be having it at all. Look for other ways to spice up your sex life.

[xxoo]

 

allieD: Thank you, but the emotion that I am feeling IS jealousy, however the jealousy exists BECAUSE of vague or non-established boundaries.

 

Or maybe because your husband sought the thing that you consider to be true intimacy with another woman.

 

Most women (most people) would not be ok with that. Jealousy has a purpose sometimes.

 

You were clear about what made you uncomfortable. They pushed, you relented, and given an inch, they took a mile.

[sandylee1]

So it's all been blamed on your jealousy eh!

[Romeoalpha]

My wife and I experienced a very similar scenario. She had had three somes, foursomes, done some swinging while I had had a fairly vanilla sex life before she and I married. We were happily married and committed for several years before a friend of hers let us know that she was in an open relationship and that if we were interested, she'd

Love to join us, as would her husband if we wanted.

 

That my wife had done such things before never bothered me, but when the chance came up to try it myself, I was pretty excited, whereas she was less so.

 

We decided on a very strict set of rules based around the concept that this was something we were doing TOGETHER not ever separately and moved forward. For several months we had a lot of fun, mostly with just the female, but occasionally with the couple and over time it ended.

 

10 years later, we are still married. We've never done anything like that again and we both look on it as a great experience.

 

It can work, and it can be very positive, but everyone needs to know the rules and play by them.

[road]

My wife and I experienced a very similar scenario. She had had three some sort, foursomes, done some swinging while I had had a fairly vanilla sex life before she and I married. We were happily married and committed for several years before a friend of hers let us know that she was in an open relationship and that if we're were interested, she'd

Overall to join us, as would her husband if we wanted.

 

That my wife had done such things before never bothered me, but when the chance came up to try it myself, I was pretty excited, whereas she was less so.

 

We decided on a very strict set of rules based around the concept that this was something we were doing TOGETHER not ever separately and moved forward. For several months we had a lot of fun, mostly with just the female, but occasionally with the couple and over time it ended.

 

10 years later, we are still married. We've never done anything like that again and we both look on it as a great experience.

 

It can work, and it can be very positive, but everyone needs to know the rules and play by them.

 

 

 

Bet your wife did it only to not let you feel left out not doing something that she had done and you never got to do.

[Romeoalpha]

Bet your wife did it only to not let you feel left out not doing something that she had done and you never got to do.

 

I don't think so. My wife doesn't do anything in the sexual realm unless she wants to. Her ability to say no is absolutely not in question. She also brings up trying it again from time to time.