howtogoon2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 I see a lot of affairs that don't seem to last the distance in terms of time. mot get caught and make a choice, others fizzle out or a decision is made to end the dual life people are living. I would like to hear from any that had long term affairs and how you ended it or how it ended for you. I have been in an on and off long term affair which has had times of absence from one another for difference reasons (D-day, children, a choice by one of us to be apart) but we always seem to find out way back to one another. I need it to end but at the same time I don't know if this will be the final end as we always seem to end up back in each others lives one way or another. Would love to hear from others of their story and for those that did choose to make an end to the affair or their marriage eventually, how they got to the point of a decision and then following through with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 I'm not sure what counts as LTA. I'm 20+ months now. It is definitely more EA than PA. Depending on the day sometimes I want to end it move on other days...not so sure. Ultimately it has to end though Link to post Share on other sites
missmetomorrow Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 (edited) I do not know what you consider long term. Five years for me. We have watched DDays happen to friends around us but never had one. It's not been completely consistant.. We have had quiet times but never more than couple weeks. This year we have actually been closer than ever. No plans to leave our marriages right now.. We want our kids to have both parents like we both did not (yes I see the irony) Edited October 25, 2016 by missmetomorrow Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 I consider 8 years a long term affair. There were probably 3 extended periods of NC at my request. I was always the one to get back in touch with him. There were shorter periods of NC because of arguments or misunderstandings. Earlier this year, xMM didn't phone for 3 days. I looked around at the reality and though FFS... what is a smart woman my age doing in a relationship like this? I ended it right then with no warning and have been 7 months NC. He has been in touch once and I didn't reply. The email I sent him explained how weary I had become of the dysfunctional lifestyle and his neediness. I didn't want to be in my 70th year waiting for a MM to have time to contact me so I just walked away. It was a long and interesting relationship. I loved him and I still do. Ran out of patience with the man who talked big and really did NOTHING. There are times when I miss the afternoons we spent in bed and the great outings together. At the end of it all he was still sharing a bed with his wife. It had to be over for me to move into the future with some kind of sanity. Poppy. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 I see a lot of affairs that don't seem to last the distance in terms of time. mot get caught and make a choice, others fizzle out or a decision is made to end the dual life people are living. I would like to hear from any that had long term affairs and how you ended it or how it ended for you. I have been in an on and off long term affair which has had times of absence from one another for difference reasons (D-day, children, a choice by one of us to be apart) but we always seem to find out way back to one another. I need it to end but at the same time I don't know if this will be the final end as we always seem to end up back in each others lives one way or another. Would love to hear from others of their story and for those that did choose to make an end to the affair or their marriage eventually, how they got to the point of a decision and then following through with it. Long term affair here too... It was off and on for about 8+ years, pretty much the same as Poppy's situation although my xMM spent even much less time with me. I always wanted to move (he is my neighbor) but at the time it didn't work out but during the last long NC (seven months!!!) , we managed to buy a house 90 mins away from here. I'll be leaving in two weeks, and we haven't had a D-day but he is completely ignoring me yet again (after reappearing again after 7 months). I'm going to leave now without saying goodbye. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jesslee Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Same here.. Having a long term affair since the last 10 years... On and off of course... Longest one probably about 3 years or so... Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 it ended when i sent him a text saying: "i won't be around for you anymore, it's to rough on me, sorry". i went thru all the emotions that i read about on here., tho we're both single. he was killing me and i had to maintain no contact. it's been almost three years. i still see him everyday at work. he tries. i resist because i can see the future. i always could. it's a gift and a curse. one more go around with him and i'll end up dead. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
oceansaway Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 I was single and met MM on a dating site. He claimed to be in the middle of a divorce (wrong). Believed him for over four years. Found out many lies over the years and trust was lost. So of course without trust...you have nothing. Just got sick of ALL of it and ended it almost 5 months ago. Just told him after a fight I wanted to move on...and have. Still think of him but I am at peace. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 18 months A with MM. Very intense, lot of push/pull, a few on and offs never for more than a few days. Ended when he told his wife it was over and left her to be with me, then went back to her a couple of days later. NC since then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 You know, I have to say that you girls really are quite remarkable in your resolve when you make that decision to leave your long term affair partners. My husband's affair was just about 4 years, but there was significant distance and an overseas job involved, which contributed to its longevity. Had his concubine been closer and himself in a day to day job at home the story would have been quite different I'm sure. I have the greatest respect for those of you who have the integrity to stop something you know is damaging to so many people as well as yourselves in the full knowledge that what you really wanted from that relationship was unattainable. In my opinion that takes some balls when it isn't what you really want to do. There's an enormous chasm between you and the women who seem to think it's their right to have the man they want regardless of his circumstances. Those kind nobody wants to know.... I could witter on, but felt it needed to be said. From a woman to others, stand firmly in that resolve and take pride in that you've found the courage and tenacity to stay clear of that toxic situation. I sincerely wish you peace and happiness in a future that is shaped by healthier paths and healthier people. Cuckoo 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Some of us were given no choice however i recognize that having the choice made for me was the best thing that could have happened. Id probably would have wasted more time otherwise 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Some of us were given no choice however i recognize that having the choice made for me was the best thing that could have happened. Id probably would have wasted more time otherwise Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Long term affair here too... It was off and on for about 8+ years, pretty much the same as Poppy's situation although my xMM spent even much less time with me. I always wanted to move (he is my neighbor) but at the time it didn't work out but during the last long NC (seven months!!!) , we managed to buy a house 90 mins away from here. I'll be leaving in two weeks, and we haven't had a D-day but he is completely ignoring me yet again (after reappearing again after 7 months). I'm going to leave now without saying goodbye. I didn't realize it was this long... I'm glad you're moving fresh start 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyp32 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 My A was 2.5 years. We had a dday and we've been NC for a month now. I miss him but feel a sense of relief that's it over. I doubt it would've ever ended any other way. We had a few periods of breaking things off (always me trying to end it) but he always came back and pulled me back in. I believe it's real this time and I won't hear from him again which is a good thing. It's the only way to move on. I personally will never ever reach out to him in any way. I'm done. I also won't ever allow myself to get involved in something so destructive again. There's too much pain caused to innocent people. It's not worth it. It never was worth it. Wish I could've seen that before it got as far as it did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 6 years here. Due to work we sometimes were able to live together and sometimes were LD, but even then skyped multiple times a day when possible. Then he had a DD but refused to stop talking to me. The end for me was slow in coming, I realized I was becoming so angry at him. I didn't want to hate him. I didn't want to keep living my life in a holding pattern. So, to preserve whatever feelings I still had and to move on I went NC. And it is tough. Some days I type long messages to him, then delete them. I don't know if they help or hurt. My work is moving me again in a few months, hopefully the change will help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Mine was about 15 months before D-Day, although we'd known each other for several years before that. We knew it had to end and we were working up to that. Both long-term marriages, no kids. Once everything was blown wide open, we both ended our marriages (mine in a relatively respectful way - my exH is a saint in many ways - and his very acrimoniously) and we're exploring a legitimate relationship. We are both so regretful of the damage we caused to loved ones and our poor decision-making process, and are working individually and together to learn how to deal with difficult situations in a more effective and mature way in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Two and a half years on and off in mine. I am also married though and constantly felt the pull to make a decision, one way or the other. We had multiple quasi-endings, like you say...always going back. But I finally decided it was just not okay to continue. I did not want to keep living that lifestyle, never present, and it was not fair to my husband. xMM frequently went cold, would pull back for any number of reasons. The last time he did this I decided to make it official. I shut all the doors, confessed the rest to my husband, and that was that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Three and a bit years A, then he left the BW and once the D was finalised, we got M. Been M for several years now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Missinghim17 Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 (edited) Mine is going on 6 years. On and off. Right now, as far as I know, we are on. Don't know how long that will last. He's already being shady again. We typically end it when he decides he can't lie and be deceitful to his wife and kids because it "haunts him". They don't know about me, but he feels like he is constantly lying to them and keeping secrets and it bothers him. Then a few months go by and he and his wife have a huge fight and he comes looking for me. I tried to end it once last year after I spent a bunch of money to go see him (we live in different states now) and he literally spent 3 hours with me over a period of 3 days after I took off work and begged my kids father to take the kids a few days, but when i got there, he made up excuses why he couldn't see me. The kicker is that he is the one who asked me to go see him. I was pissed. So I said some mean things and told him it was over. 9 months later, I caved and sent an email just to say Happy Birthday, and he replied with a simple thank you. 2 months after that, he emailed me and wanted to start talking again. And here we are yet again. For 2 days, he was calling me back to back and I was so happy. We were video chatting and he even said he was going to buy me a plane ticket so I could go see him again and things would be better. I got so happy but I should of known better, because not even 24 hours later, he flipped on me and made up some excuses why we couldn't meet up. I was heartbroken again. Have not heard from him in almost a week now, but this is pretty normal. He will call once in a while and just string me on. And I will let him. Sad I know. For us, he is usually the one to end it. It always kills me. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I am so in love with him. But we ALWAYS come back to each other. Edited October 26, 2016 by Missinghim17 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Some of us were given no choice however i recognize that having the choice made for me was the best thing that could have happened. Id probably would have wasted more time otherwise No choice? What, were you held at gunpoint? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Lets see my affair was a year. Both of us married. There was so much push and pull between us it was like being at a tennis match. I was usually the one to end things because i wanted a decision to be made. I would try to make the choice to leave the affair and work on my marriage but I or he would usually break contact and pull the other one back in. Eventually it came to a point where i ended up disclosing the whole thing to my husband and watching MM run the other way like a dog with his tail on fire. I made a choice to cut off all contact at that point and work on my marriage.. 2 months later here I am. Do i miss MM- I would be lying if i said I didn't .. Am I happier without the affair in my life - YES. Will my marriage survive- I have no clue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 H had a 18 month affair where he promised her he would leave me and get an apartment with her and marry her. He's still with me. She's now blocked from his life and working on getting everything she lost by being with him back (family, friends, church, a place to live, dignity). Usually doesn't end well for the AP Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Some of us were given no choice however i recognize that having the choice made for me was the best thing that could have happened. Id probably would have wasted more time otherwise Cyra, there's always a choice.... Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 I didn't realize it was this long... I'm glad you're moving fresh start Thank you Sunshine, I can't wait to leave here 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 No choice? What, were you held at gunpoint? I meant in ending it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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