Cyra Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Cyra, there's always a choice.... I meant in ending it. I didnt want to end it but it was done for me. Now im glad it was although it still hurts as hell 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Mine is going on 6 years. On and off. Right now, as far as I know, we are on. Don't know how long that will last. He's already being shady again. We typically end it when he decides he can't lie and be deceitful to his wife and kids because it "haunts him". They don't know about me, but he feels like he is constantly lying to them and keeping secrets and it bothers him. Then a few months go by and he and his wife have a huge fight and he comes looking for me. I tried to end it once last year after I spent a bunch of money to go see him (we live in different states now) and he literally spent 3 hours with me over a period of 3 days after I took off work and begged my kids father to take the kids a few days, but when i got there, he made up excuses why he couldn't see me. The kicker is that he is the one who asked me to go see him. I was pissed. So I said some mean things and told him it was over. 9 months later, I caved and sent an email just to say Happy Birthday, and he replied with a simple thank you. 2 months after that, he emailed me and wanted to start talking again. And here we are yet again. For 2 days, he was calling me back to back and I was so happy. We were video chatting and he even said he was going to buy me a plane ticket so I could go see him again and things would be better. I got so happy but I should of known better, because not even 24 hours later, he flipped on me and made up some excuses why we couldn't meet up. I was heartbroken again. Have not heard from him in almost a week now, but this is pretty normal. He will call once in a while and just string me on. And I will let him. Sad I know. For us, he is usually the one to end it. It always kills me. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I am so in love with him. But we ALWAYS come back to each other. Reminds me a lot of my xMM. He would also occasionally become overcome by some phantom guilt and go off, but never more than a few days 6 years though, how do you manage and put up with it? I was at the end of my tether when he ended it. If that didnt happen id maybe have managed another month or two but i was at the limits of my patience and sanity. Cant imagine how difficult it must be for you! Have you considered ending it for good? Link to post Share on other sites
Alamo657 Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 I see a lot of affairs that don't seem to last the distance in terms of time. mot get caught and make a choice, others fizzle out or a decision is made to end the dual life people are living. I would like to hear from any that had long term affairs and how you ended it or how it ended for you. I have been in an on and off long term affair which has had times of absence from one another for difference reasons (D-day, children, a choice by one of us to be apart) but we always seem to find out way back to one another. I need it to end but at the same time I don't know if this will be the final end as we always seem to end up back in each others lives one way or another. Would love to hear from others of their story and for those that did choose to make an end to the affair or their marriage eventually, how they got to the point of a decision and then following through with it. My experience as "the other man" : - she left her husband after 2 years - "cheated" on me during the affair with a third party - became official with me after the end of her marriage - cheated twice more and got caught - never presented her daughter to me because she feard she couldnt hide to her i was the guy she cheated on her husband with My conclusions : Affairs are there to fill a void in a relationship, for people with poor morals and boundaries. There is no love on the cheater's side, just lust and temporary passion. If i respected myself in the first place, i wouldnt have endured so much hiding and humiliation. Respect for myself is what i learned from this relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
grassisorisntgreener Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Mine is officially ending this week. I will try to make this short: Met at work 2012 He got caught in 2013. She didn't tell my husband..yet. Still carried on affair. I left my husband September 2015. She told my husband about the affair July 2016. He lost his absolutely mind. My life was hell for a while. Calmed down now. Stupid AP is still with her. It's only a gf. They don't even live together and have no kids together. I keep asking what's taking him so long and all he says is "I love you." I never see him. Told him yesterday to lose my number. I'm officially indifferent!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 H had a 18 month affair where he promised her he would leave me and get an apartment with her and marry her. He's still with me. She's now blocked from his life and working on getting everything she lost by being with him back (family, friends, church, a place to live, dignity). Usually doesn't end well for the AP That is quite a statement and assumes we wither and die without someone's cheating husband. We typically are fine and better off once the fog clears. I think it ended pretty well for the 18 year old. She got away and has a chance at an actual life. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Lets see my affair was a year. Both of us married. There was so much push and pull between us it was like being at a tennis match. I was usually the one to end things because i wanted a decision to be made. I would try to make the choice to leave the affair and work on my marriage but I or he would usually break contact and pull the other one back in. Eventually it came to a point where i ended up disclosing the whole thing to my husband and watching MM run the other way like a dog with his tail on fire. I made a choice to cut off all contact at that point and work on my marriage.. 2 months later here I am. Do i miss MM- I would be lying if i said I didn't .. Am I happier without the affair in my life - YES. Will my marriage survive- I have no clue. Your husband is still there so obviously he wants to be with you. My marriage survived and thrived, so can yours. Think positive! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 (edited) That is quite a statement and assumes we wither and die without someone's cheating husband. We typically are fine and better off once the fog clears. I think it ended pretty well for the 18 year old. She got away and has a chance at an actual life. Agreed and id go as far as saying we are better off than the someone's cheating husband when its over We move on but he lives in constant reminder of what he did Edited October 26, 2016 by Cyra 6 Link to post Share on other sites
IfonlyIknew Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 (edited) This is actually what led me here back in January, been a lurker up until recently. "My story was different". My best friend (NO longer) of 13 years is a married man. We met in high school. We were inseparable. We kept in touch through out the years. I was always the girl of his dreams but always had a boyfriend. He respected that and always was there for me when I needed him. I loved him, but there were a lot of factors that made me choose other men. He went on and got married and had kids yet still would text me/email me confessing his love for me will never die. I respected his marriage and cut off all contact. Fast forward years later, he sends me a text out of the blue asking if it was me. I said yes, he said he has been looking everywhere for me, he asked if I was single, I said yeah I am, he said this is his chance to take what's his back for good, that he's "going through a divorce", he lives 3 hours away mind you, he says "I will make all of the changes necessary so we can finally be together" I was thrilled. He said he doesn't live with his soon to be ex wife, he lives at his business, he showed me on facetime! This guy is serious! He came out to visit me but he was 2-3 hours late, he had cuts all over his face and a fresh bruised black eye, he said he stopped by the almost ex wife to get his suitcase and she wouldn't let him leave. Ok? Strange. So we go on our planned date, his phone was hooked up to the navigation, "Wifey" (with their photo together) shows up on the screen calling 10-12 times in a row, umm? Ok... so his phone is laying there, WIFEY texts "I miss you" ummm really dude. So clearly this doesn't add up, yet in the moment i was just trying to process everything, I haven't seen him in forever hes here for the weekend, I'm just going to enjoy our time. A couple weeks go by, I ended up going to visit him, got a hotel, and hung out a bit. He was very back and forth with his time. Nothing added up. We then facetimed through out the next couple of weeks I notice he has his ring on he says "oh no that's just so the kids don't ask questions" but wait.. you don't live there.. "yeah they know I'm busy with work and always see the ring on me". UM WOW. OK DUDE. So his lies are just continuous, I caught him saying "once the papers are in it'll be a smooth ride" wait.. I thought you filed? "I did.. I meant the rest of the paperwork" LMFAO you POS! I'm so done at this point but he of course tried to pile on the lies. I let it go another week, he was supposed to visit me, 11pm the night before "are we still on for the morning?" "yes" he says. Morning comes around, no word from him. I sent him a text saying are you coming he says "no I moving" HA!!!!!!!! You got a house with ur wife? "NO" Cut the BS DUDE! That was it for me. 2 weeks later he tries to communicate with me saying "how can I just walk away from my kids?" "Divorce is like a death, you have no idea the pain I would go through" WAIT you were the one that presented a BS story to me, and now it's all different, you were just bored in your marriage and sought me out for some excitement, then realized wait, nevermind. HA enjoy! Haven't spoke since. Edited October 26, 2016 by IfonlyIknew 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 This is actually what led me here back in January, been a lurker up until recently. "My story was different". My best friend (NO longer) of 13 years is a married man. We met in high school. We were inseparable. We kept in touch through out the years. I was always the girl of his dreams but always had a boyfriend. He respected that and always was there for me when I needed him. I loved him, but there were a lot of factors that made me choose other men. He went on and got married and had kids yet still would text me/email me confessing his love for me will never die. I respected his marriage and cut off all contact. Fast forward years later, he sends me a text out of the blue asking if it was me. I said yes, he said he has been looking everywhere for me, he asked if I was single, I said yeah I am, he said this is his chance to take what's his back for good, that he's "going through a divorce", he lives 3 hours away mind you, he says "I will make all of the changes necessary so we can finally be together" I was thrilled. He said he doesn't live with his soon to be ex wife, he lives at his business, he showed me on facetime! This guy is serious! He came out to visit me but he was 2-3 hours late, he had cuts all over his face and a fresh bruised black eye, he said he stopped by the almost ex wife to get his suitcase and she wouldn't let him leave. Ok? Strange. So we go on our planned date, his phone was hooked up to the navigation, "Wifey" (with their photo together) shows up on the screen calling 10-12 times in a row, umm? Ok... so his phone is laying there, WIFEY texts "I miss you" ummm really dude. So clearly this doesn't add up, yet in the moment i was just trying to process everything, I haven't seen him in forever hes here for the weekend, I'm just going to enjoy our time. A couple weeks go by, I ended up going to visit him, got a hotel, and hung out a bit. He was very back and forth with his time. Nothing added up. We then facetimed through out the next couple of weeks I notice he has his ring on he says "oh no that's just so the kids don't ask questions" but wait.. you don't live there.. "yeah they know I'm busy with work and always see the ring on me". UM WOW. OK DUDE. So his lies are just continuous, I caught him saying "once the papers are in it'll be a smooth ride" wait.. I thought you filed? "I did.. I meant the rest of the paperwork" LMFAO you POS! I'm so done at this point but he of course tried to pile on the lies. I let it go another week, he was supposed to visit me, 11pm the night before "are we still on for the morning?" "yes" he says. Morning comes around, no word from him. I sent him a text saying are you coming he says "no I moving" HA!!!!!!!! You got a house with ur wife? "NO" Cut the BS DUDE! That was it for me. 2 weeks later he tries to communicate with me saying "how can I just walk away from my kids?" "Divorce is like a death, you have no idea the pain I would go through" WAIT you were the one that presented a BS story to me, and now it's all different, you were just bored in your marriage and sought me out for some excitement, then realized wait, nevermind. HA enjoy! Haven't spoke since. I find it amazing that even a trusted friend of 13 years did this!!! I am very sorry for the betrayal from your friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 My A was 2.5 years. We had a dday and we've been NC for a month now. I miss him but feel a sense of relief that's it over. I doubt it would've ever ended any other way. We had a few periods of breaking things off (always me trying to end it) but he always came back and pulled me back in. I believe it's real this time and I won't hear from him again which is a good thing. It's the only way to move on. I personally will never ever reach out to him in any way. I'm done. I also won't ever allow myself to get involved in something so destructive again. There's too much pain caused to innocent people. It's not worth it. It never was worth it. Wish I could've seen that before it got as far as it did. thanks for reminding me. every day i think about contacting him. how to start a conversation. but like you, i'm done. and i rarely change my mind, once i make it up. i changed his name to PAIN in my contacts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Miss Clavel, What a wonderful pseudonym. I love you mind. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Savannah2 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Almost 6 year workplace affair here. He always would pull the guilt card on me out of the blue most of the time. He would just want to be friends. We always fell back in. His wife has no idea. My husband had his definite suspicious and I think deep down he knows. He in fact just told me Friday night he wants another break and can we just be friends. It crushes me every time. I really want to shut the door completely but I always end up back. He knows it too. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I had multiple affairs of varying duration. The two longest were 6 months and 6 years. The 6 month affair I am only counting because we spent a LOT of time together. I stayed at his house on weekends and sometimes we were able to see each other during the week, too, depending on my work schedule. He was a friend of my parents and I'd known him since I was a kid. Unfortunately, at about the 6 month mark, he told me he loved me. I was not prepared to leave my marriage yet, I was not sure I loved him, I was pretty sure we weren't compatible as a long term couple, so I broke it off. A few days after I broke it off, he met his future wife. The 6 year affair was an off and on thing with my exH's best friend. The chemistry was intense and we were close friends, but I wasn't in love with him and there were some things about him that I knew I didn't want in a mate. Same story, he wanted to turn the affair into a future and I did not. Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 I had multiple affairs of varying duration. The two longest were 6 months and 6 years. The 6 month affair I am only counting because we spent a LOT of time together. I stayed at his house on weekends and sometimes we were able to see each other during the week, too, depending on my work schedule. He was a friend of my parents and I'd known him since I was a kid. Unfortunately, at about the 6 month mark, he told me he loved me. I was not prepared to leave my marriage yet, I was not sure I loved him, I was pretty sure we weren't compatible as a long term couple, so I broke it off. A few days after I broke it off, he met his future wife. The 6 year affair was an off and on thing with my exH's best friend. The chemistry was intense and we were close friends, but I wasn't in love with him and there were some things about him that I knew I didn't want in a mate. Same story, he wanted to turn the affair into a future and I did not. MJ am I correct you married one of your AP? Why was that different? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Miss Clavel, What a wonderful pseudonym. I love you mind. Poppy. 10 characters Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Almost 6 year workplace affair here. He always would pull the guilt card on me out of the blue most of the time. He would just want to be friends. We always fell back in. His wife has no idea. My husband had his definite suspicious and I think deep down he knows. He in fact just told me Friday night he wants another break and can we just be friends. It crushes me every time. I really want to shut the door completely but I always end up back. He knows it too. which is why i don't think men and women can be friends if they are married to others or have ended something. Link to post Share on other sites
Southwardbound Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 Same guy - however the first time I was the WS & he was single, over 20+ years ago. We had EA/PA for 2 years, then it carried on as an EA with a few LS PA visits as I was living very far away for another 3 years. Then we had No real D-Day breakup. I did an NC by moving & left him no way to contact me. Now I'm divorced, but he's not. We started catching back up after the 20 years+ as an EA, then onto PA. About 1 1/2 years back into our relationship again. Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 4 years. Ended very badly. I miss him at times but don't miss the drama he created by playing with my emotions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rikki67 Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 (edited) My A lasted almost 4 years. We basically lived together. It was a push and pull for sure at times. He would get bouts of guilt, and tell me we shouldn't be together, he is married. But, since the BS lived hundreds of miles away, it was easy for us to carry on. Now, she moved closer to babysit a grandchild, and spends her weekends here with him. It ended in August. I told him this is it for me. You chose to reconcile. Go for it. I was devastated, and it still hurts. But, in the end, I always knew he lied to me, to her, and this was gonna end. I am relieved it is over. I can move on with my life, because I deserve better! We ALL do! Edited November 3, 2016 by Rikki67 Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Onlywhenitrains Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 18 months. The last 6 months were push and pull all the time, break-ups, getting back together, break-up, and so on....well-known dynamics. He would always come back, wanting to be together, and I was desperately trying to gather enough strength to walk away. Finally in August of this year, I felt I was done. Haven't seen each other since then. There were some texts since mostly him saying he wants to get back together, or wants to be friends. I maintained that neither of those options are possible. It's been hard, and painful, and sad, and occasional tears here and there when I feel really, really lonely. But, I am also starting to feel peaceful and calm again. The thought of never seeing him again still makes me mopey and sad, but I know there is really no other way. I can't and don't want to go back of being emotional wreck like I was during the A. It's wrong, self-destructive, and soul-destroying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CharmKeeper Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 37 years and counting. We still talk everyday, but have not seen one another in 5 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 37 years and counting. We still talk everyday, but have not seen one another in 5 years. Wow! That's a long time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 37 years and counting. We still talk everyday, but have not seen one another in 5 years. I and I am sure many others on here would love to hear your story. Perhaps you will share it with us one day. Poppy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
uneek74 Posted November 6, 2016 Share Posted November 6, 2016 11 years and several ddays. Still invloved 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted November 6, 2016 Share Posted November 6, 2016 I and I am sure many others on here would love to hear your story. Perhaps you will share it with us one day. Poppy Wow!!! Seriously how does that work? No judgements just really really curious! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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