Should I be concerned that my husband wants to start his affair again?

[Nadia11]

I just joined and am really hoping some of you can help me out.

 

I've been married for 11 years and have two kids under 10. My husband had an on and off affair with a girl he used to work with, for 6 years. I found out but never confronted him. I still keep track of his emails/texts and he has no idea, but he has not been seeing anyone.

 

The other affair was graphic from what I could read in emails. They were very involved and always breaking up and getting back together. My husband was a director in her field, and tried three times to hire her, from what I could tell. She always said no. Then they stopped contacting each other, I thought it was over.

 

Two years ago, my husband got fired from that director job, where they met. He has been doing "consulting" ever since, which he is very sensitive about. He hasn't even changed his LinkedIn headline so everyone still thinks he's a director at that company.

 

The other day I checked his activity log on FB and he has gone to HR profile multiple times. She contacted him and others in the same email I read, asking for referrals to part-time jobs since she wanted fewer hours. He was only doing consulting and didn't write back. From what I saw on her FB, the girl is now a stay at home mom after quitting her job. He keeps checking up on her.

 

Because of his sudden interest, I am now worried that he is only waiting for a permanent, high status position like he had to get back in touch with her. It breaks my heart to think that it's only his embarrassment over his career keeping him away! Does checking her every move on FB (they're not friends but she makes her profile available to non friends) mean he's just bidding his time?

 

I can't take their affair again. Am I right to be concerned?

[BluesPower]

Of course you should be, why haven't you confronted him about this.

 

It sounds like she is done with him though, but who is to say it wont be another girl?

[Nadia11]

When I found out it was already over so I didn't say anything. I almost never check his FB activity but something told me to! And there it was, all the visits to her profile. I keep thinking it's just FB and I'm overreacting. But if he had no interest in her, he wouldn't try to keep track of her, am I right?

 

I know his pride is hurt because he's in high level but still temp job, and one email I read from when he got fired, he refused to tell her why he got fired (he cheated on his expense account and got caught), so it seems that he really cares about what she thinks of him.

 

I have all kids of thoughts going trough my head, like if he's still interested to the point of checking out her life, it's because he has feelings for her, that he's just waiting until his professional life improves (her husband is rich, from what I can tell on her profile), etc. I didn't want to confront him. It's like my own intuition tells me he's just waiting to get back with her.

 

Am I crazy?

[S2B]

Is there reason to stay with a husband who keeps cheating on you and treats you terribly?

 

Why haven't you been honest with him about what you know?

[Nadia11]

Because I keep thinking I'm overreacting and that it's been 2 years so he's over her. I go back and forth. And he hasn't kept cheating. I don't think FB constitutes cheating.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Since you didn't confront him about the first affair, he never had to face the consequences of his actions. What do you think would stop him from cheating again? And how is it possible to have a healthy, emotionally intimate relationship, when you can't be honest about what you know, and he has never apologized for hurting you?

[SJS]

When I found out it was already over so I didn't say anything.

 

Why? This affair lasted for 2/3 of your marriage at the time you found out.

 

I would be EXTREMELY concerned just for that fact.

[S2B]

Because I keep thinking I'm overreacting and that it's been 2 years so he's over her. I go back and forth. And he hasn't kept cheating. I don't think FB constitutes cheating.

 

Bring some honesty into the marriage!

 

Tell him what you know. Decide what you want that's best for you!

 

Without an authentic an honest marriage all you have is a farce. Start by laying all your info out and talk about what has happened in the marriage.

[Nadia11]

I don't think dragging it up is relevant unless he's still interested in her - interested enough to start it up again.

[S2B]

I don't think dragging it up is relevant unless he's still interested in her - interested enough to start it up again.

 

Ok then. Good luck.

[heartwhole]

I view an affair as a symptom of other issues, including but not limited to: poor boundaries, poor self-esteem, poor coping skills, lack of empathy, lack of conscience, poor conflict-resolution skills, and so on. Just because the bleeding (affair) stopped doesn't mean any of these issues were addressed. And since you never even spoke about it, that's not surprising at all. So now maybe he's having another "flare up" of symptoms, but what you really need to deal with are character deficiencies.

 

I'm curious about how you handled knowing about his affair, or rather, didn't handle it. What about his character or your communication dynamics made it so unappealing to address it openly?

 

You say you don't want to drag it up (using negative terms there) unless he's still interested in her. But we're all human and finding other people attractive is normal and will keep happening. The key is to know that you've established clear expectations and boundaries in your marriage and that you're both operating by the same standards. What kind of a marriage is it if you have to spy on everything he does and then try to prevent him from cheating? Why not require that he change from a cheater to a non-cheater in order to stay married to you?

 

I'm a BW and my husband and I are still married, but I have expected a lot from him:

 

-IC and MC

-transparency with his passwords and devices

-openness about our lives in general and friendships with potential affair partners in particular

-shifting the dynamics in our marriage

 

At the end of the day, you can never spy or monitor enough to prevent an affair. Where there's a will, there's a way. I don't put a lot of time or energy into checking up on him, though I'll scroll through the apps on his iPad maybe once a week and glance at messages here and there. But ultimately I believe we have openness in our marriage, and that lying is not something he's a natural at or comfortable with, so I don't think I'm living some Lifetime made for tv movie. I think our marriage hit a rough patch, he made some destructive choices, and we've put in a lot of effort into healing and growing ourselves.

 

Frankly I don't see what kind of a marriage it is if you can't just ask HIM if you should be concerned. When I figured out that my husband had this "friend" he'd never mentioned and had liked 6,000 of her photos on FB, I did just that. "Hey, I noticed this on FB. Should I be concerned about this?" He tried really hard to deflect at that point because he didn't want to lie but wasn't ready to end the affair, but the next time she came across my radar, he confessed and we had our DDay. And then the real work began.

[aileD]

I don't think dragging it up is relevant unless he's still interested in her - interested enough to start it up again.

 

But...he already is interested enough to reminisce and go to her profile page a million times to check her out. All that's needed to spark up the affair again is one single tiny nudge. And we know he's capable of it because he did it before.

 

I'm curious, you found out about the affair. Did you find out why it ended? Was it him that called it off or her? Any reasons? Was she married at the time of the affair? How has your marriage been?

 

Personally if it were me, and I felt that I got over the first affair and wanted to stay married, but not go thru another affair....I would say to him "listen I know what happened with (whatever her name is) a few years ago and I know you're recently in touch with her again. I got over it the first time but I'm not willing to through it again."

 

Before you do that make sure you installed software or a keykogger or whatever because he'll probably change his passwords. Also if you have his passwords, why don't you just block her on his account? If he has no clue you are watching him he may just thing SHE blocked him.

 

If your marriage is decent but stagnant and he ended it the first time with her...maybe this can be something that encourages you both to go to counseling and stenghthen your marriage so that these temptations don't exist.

 

Only you know your H but you deserve better than deceit and if you don't call him out and tell him what you expect, he's going to continue to overstep boundaries.

[Davey L]

Cheating on his expenses also indicates a somewhat dishonest character - it's all part of the same pattern of behaviour as cheating on you.

 

I think it's either stay and put up with his women on the side or get out.

[Grapesofwrath]

Nadia: Yes, I think you should be concerned. Not only because he may want to restart this affair, but for myriad other reasons mentioned by previous posters here. He had an affair for 6 years. Difficult to imagine how much lying, sneaking, and deception was needed to keep that going for 6 years. And during that time you made babies together? He was a man who is comfortable with deception and will not think twice about cheating on you again.

 

I understand that you are vulnerable. You have small children and may be financially dependent on him as well. For sure, you have painted yourself into a corner. But this does not mean that you have to step up to the All You Can Eat $h!t Buffet. Figure out a way to confront him on his previous affair and what you are currently seeing.

 

Trust me when I tell you that it is better to be divorced and live with integrity than it is to be married to a soul-sucking liar who treats you like this.

[sooshi]

Nadia, I am rather appalled by how passive you are behaving. YES, you should absolutely be concerned.

 

Your husband had an affair on and off for six years--and that's what you know of. And another affair? My goodness.

 

And you've just let it all slide because you found out afterwards, rather than while it was happening?

 

Girl, where is your self-respect? Your husband put his genitals as priority over you and your children. Does that not bother you? He chose another woman over you and your kids... his family. Why are you okay with that? Why are you okay with the prospects that it could happen again, especially since nothing has changed in your marriage (ie., there have been no confrontations/discussion). He got away with this for over six years (maybe longer). He knows he can pull it off again, if he wanted to.

 

I think it's a real shame that you're allowing your own marriage and family to disintegrate. What kind of role models are you and your husband setting for your children? You're showing them that a healthy relationship is one based on dishonesty, lies, and lack of respect.

 

You need to tell him what you know. You need to decide whether you're okay with someone who's spent more than half of your marriage lying to and disrespect you and your kids. And if you ARE okay with that... then ugh!

 

I feel so sad and angry for your children. If you can't confront your husband for yourself, then at least do it for your children.

[S2B]

Do you work? Can you support yourself?

 

Do you stay because you're afraid? What are you afraid of?

[BaileyB]

Your husband does not seem like a decent man, not at all.

 

Of course you are right to be worried that he will cheat, given his past behavior. But, the bigger question is why would you want a relationship with a man who sounds volatile, controlling, and has cheated on you repeatedly.

 

Rather than worrying about your husband, perhaps you shouod turn the mirror around and do some introspection - to ask yourself why you are willing to tolerate this kind of disrespectful behavior.

[ShatteredLady]

Hey! If you could give us just a little more information we might be able to help you more.

 

Are you in a country/culture that makes divorce very hard?

Are you financially totally reliant on your husband?

Do you have a family that could help you if need be?

 

Without this information most responses are going to be "Dump the POS, he's no husband!". I do understand how hard it is particularly with young children. I live 9 hours flight away from my family. I'm very isolated. It's no excuse to allow myself to be treated badly!!

[Nadia11]

Thank you all so much, so many thoughtful answers.

 

I'll try to answer it all. Yes, I do work, could support myself, but my family does live far away. I don't need to stay married. But I don't want to throw away my marriage if she didn't mean anything to him.

 

I keep thinking I'm overreacting by being so upset over the Facebook stalking. He hasn't contacted her. And if I bring it up and he tries to cheat again, he will know and make my spying job harder! I understand what everyone says about a clean slate, but I'm not ready for that now. I absolutely do not trust him. But maybe he's just going through a fantasy phase. He's not seeing anyone else either.

 

Is there any way that the Facebook stalking can be harmless? I mean, last year I saw an email from her to a group, including him, about job opportunities and he never replied. I was so happy. And now he's checking on her again. I hadn't thought to check Facebook since I found out, so this is very worrisome. I think I just want someone to say I'm making too much out of it and he's not interested in her, just curious! I'm so glad you've all given me a lot to think about, though. From what I could tell in emails and texts and her FB page she's very attractive and 12 years younger than me. Plus she's a stay at home mom now so they couldn't work together again. And he doesn't have hiring decision capabilities anymore, so he has nothing to offer her. And I never read anything about love in their messages. But they did talk about the kids a lot. And her husband is rich with a big job, so my husband can't compete. I feel a little bit of security because of this.

 

From your experience, how likely is it that their affair could be reignited?

[BluesPower]

All that may be true...

 

However, he seems to be carrying a torch for her, and that is never good.

 

Problem is if it is not with her, I guess it will be with someone else. He seems to be interested in some strange at the very least. Are you ok with that?

 

I mean what type of marriage do you have now?

[S2B]

Ask him! A marriage without communication about things that are on your mind is worthless!!!

 

If you can't talk to him about anything/everything - then it's not a marriage.

[ChickiePops]

It's very, very likely from the sound of it. It also seems very likely that this is not the only affair he's had (or is currently having). He could have a secret phone you don't know about, or a secret email address..these are VERY common things that cheaters do.

 

Nadia..I'm disappointed in you. You need to grow some ovaries and confront him! Right now he's thinking 'I got away with this..I had (at least one affair that you know of) and my naive wife is none the wiser. I am invincible! I can sleep with whomever I want, whenever I want! I rule the world!!!'.

 

Also get tested for STD's ASAP..you have no clue where he's been, or where this woman (or any of the others, if there are others) have been.

[Mr. Lucky]

I keep thinking I'm overreacting by being so upset over the Facebook stalking. He hasn't contacted her. And if I bring it up and he tries to cheat again, he will know and make my spying job harder!

 

If he keeps cheating, why would spying be you main concern?

 

Whatever angst he has over his career track, he chosen to address it through relationships with other women. And your non-confrontational passivity has given him a green light to do so.

 

Addressing the affair doesn't dredge up the past. It confronts the future...

 

Mr. Lucky

[heartwhole]

I keep thinking I'm overreacting by being so upset over the Facebook stalking.

 

Why would it be an overreaction to be upset that your husband is checking up on a woman he had a six year affair with?

 

Why did you assume he would never check up on her again?

 

Why did you assume he would never cheat again?

 

Are you prepared to spy on him for the rest of your life?

 

Is there any way that the Facebook stalking can be harmless? I mean, last year I saw an email from her to a group, including him, about job opportunities and he never replied. I was so happy. And now he's checking on her again. I hadn't thought to check Facebook since I found out, so this is very worrisome. I think I just want someone to say I'm making too much out of it and he's not interested in her, just curious!

 

Some people are "rug-sweepers" who try to put difficult things in a box and lock them up and never deal with them. It sounds to me like your reaction to his prior cheating was to stick your head in the sand, cross your fingers, and wish it away. Now it is rearing its head again and you want strangers to say, "Oh, no big deal, I'm sure it's OK" so you can stick your head back in the sand.

 

I bring it up and he tries to cheat again, he will know and make my spying job harder!

 

What you are feeling right now is angst because this plan cannot work. First of all, it's mentally and emotionally exhausting to be married to someone you can't trust. You say that you hope he's going through a phase, but by keeping your knowledge secret and not requiring him to get counseling and prove himself, you have no reason to expect him to change. And then you've come to the end of your plan because you clearly have no idea what to do if he's going to cheat again. How can you prevent him from cheating if you're pretending you don't know he's a cheater?

 

It's important to face the hard things in life. That's a skill you want your children to have, right? Sticking your head in the sand is a faulty coping mechanism that always fails in the end. I encourage you to seek counseling so that you can develop the skills to face the hard things and put a plan in place to lead you to a happier future.

[stillafool]

I don't think dragging it up is relevant unless he's still interested in her - interested enough to start it up again.

 

It's relative because of YOU! You are his wife and should not tolerate a husband who get's to cheat without a peep from you. Why were you afraid to confront him and stand up for yourself and your kids? To answer your question, yes I believe he is waiting to get a higher position to start the affair back up with her. He's clearly not over her. What are YOU going to do about it?????