Should I be concerned that my husband wants to start his affair again?

[stillafool]

T

 

I keep thinking I'm overreacting by being so upset over the Facebook stalking. He hasn't contacted her. And if I bring it up and he tries to cheat again, he will know and make my spying job harder! I understand what everyone says about a clean slate, but I'm not ready for that now. I absolutely do not trust him. But maybe he's just going through a fantasy phase. He's not seeing anyone else either.

 

How are you overreacting when your husband has been cheating for 6 yrs? You haven't acted at all. This may have been behind you by now if you had confronted him. What are you afraid of? Is it losing him to her?

 

Is there any way that the Facebook stalking can be harmless? I mean, last year I saw an email from her to a group, including him, about job opportunities and he never replied. I was so happy. And now he's checking on her again. I hadn't thought to check Facebook since I found out, so this is very worrisome. I think I just want someone to say I'm making too much out of it and he's not interested in her, just curious! I'm so glad you've all given me a lot to think about, though. From what I could tell in emails and texts and her FB page she's very attractive and 12 years younger than me. Plus she's a stay at home mom now so they couldn't work together again. And he doesn't have hiring decision capabilities anymore, so he has nothing to offer her. And I never read anything about love in their messages. But they did talk about the kids a lot. And her husband is rich with a big job, so my husband can't compete. I feel a little bit of security because of this.

 

How sad that the only thing you have to reassure you that your husband might be faithful is his OWs rich husband. If this girl is still in love with your H and he pursues her she will cheat with him again. Even if it isn't love it could be about the sex which can make one fall in love if it is good.

 

From your experience, how likely is it that their affair could be reignited?

 

Extremely likely!

[Nadia11]

Thank you so much to everyone who is trying to help. I really do see the point you're trying to make. I do agree that it's very likely that he will start this up with her if/when he gets a higher position. I keep turning over in my mind things I remember reading from the hundreds and hundreds of emails between them when I first found out, over 700 of them. It was a very involved affair but they both took turns ending it, and he finally put a stop to it, from what I could tell, the third time he opened a position for her to fill and work with him, and she said no once again. So now that he doesn't have that capability, and doesn't want to look diminished in her eyes (he hasn't changed his LinkedIn profile even though he works with it every day, and refused to tell her he got fired for cheating on his expense account), he will stay away from her until things change.

 

But I can't sit here waiting for it to happen. I need to have the courage to confront him, whatever the results might be. Thank you all for showing me what I didn't want to face, that this situation needs to be dealt even if he's "only" checking her FB! I will keep you all posted.

[eightytwenty]

Why does it matter if he's cheating, honestly, you let it go after knowing it was going on through most of your marriage? Any female in her right mind would of left him (or atleast called him out on it) when she found out he was sleeping with someone else for 6 YEARS.. (even if they did stop on their own).

[ChickiePops]

Thank you so much to everyone who is trying to help. I really do see the point you're trying to make. I do agree that it's very likely that he will start this up with her if/when he gets a higher position. I keep turning over in my mind things I remember reading from the hundreds and hundreds of emails between them when I first found out, over 700 of them. It was a very involved affair but they both took turns ending it, and he finally put a stop to it, from what I could tell, the third time he opened a position for her to fill and work with him, and she said no once again. So now that he doesn't have that capability, and doesn't want to look diminished in her eyes (he hasn't changed his LinkedIn profile even though he works with it every day, and refused to tell her he got fired for cheating on his expense account), he will stay away from her until things change.

 

But I can't sit here waiting for it to happen. I need to have the courage to confront him, whatever the results might be. Thank you all for showing me what I didn't want to face, that this situation needs to be dealt even if he's "only" checking her FB! I will keep you all posted.

 

None of this matters at all. The damage has already been done..you need to confront. Print the emails out so you have cold, hard evidence.

[heartwhole]

Thank you so much to everyone who is trying to help. I really do see the point you're trying to make. I do agree that it's very likely that he will start this up with her if/when he gets a higher position. I keep turning over in my mind things I remember reading from the hundreds and hundreds of emails between them when I first found out, over 700 of them. It was a very involved affair but they both took turns ending it, and he finally put a stop to it, from what I could tell, the third time he opened a position for her to fill and work with him, and she said no once again. So now that he doesn't have that capability, and doesn't want to look diminished in her eyes (he hasn't changed his LinkedIn profile even though he works with it every day, and refused to tell her he got fired for cheating on his expense account), he will stay away from her until things change.

 

But I can't sit here waiting for it to happen. I need to have the courage to confront him, whatever the results might be. Thank you all for showing me what I didn't want to face, that this situation needs to be dealt even if he's "only" checking her FB! I will keep you all posted.

 

Good luck, Nadia. I know it isn't easy. But I just don't think you'll ever have peace unless you face this head on. Just because there's some obstacle to him starting back up with her doesn't mean you're in the clear because you know that he will "go there" at all. Eventually, he'll meet someone else that he wants to have an affair with, if he can't be with her again. You need to know that he's done the work to change and that you have open communication. And that takes a long time.

 

You've waited this long, so I will suggest that you consult a lawyer and get tested for STDs before showing your hand. Spend some time thinking through all the likely scenarios and how you will react. What if he lashes out at you, gets defensive, tries to downplay it, etc.? That's the most likely scenario. How will you respond? What will your requirements for staying together be? What does your marriage ideally look like in a year or two if you can make this work? What does separation and doing things on your own look like? If he were having an active affair I'd say you should confront right away, but as it stands I think it would do you good to do a little prep work beforehand. Find a good counselor to help you.

[oldshirt]

Nadia you are really missing the point and have your head buried in the sand - perhaps intentionally so that you do not have to face the facts and deal with the truth.

 

Your H has bad character and is a bad person. Six years is not an affair, it is a double life and an alternate lifestyle.

 

The fact he got from a high-status position due to embezzlement is further proof that his cheating and disregard for other people and the law etc etc goes to his core.

 

You are trying to fool yourself that this is about potential feelings for this one particular person. She is just one face in the crowd. If you do some serious investigating you will find that there are lots of other women that he has either scored with or has made a serious effort to score with.

 

You are fishing for someone to say that he is over "her" and that this was all an over reaction and that you are safe with a decent person and that he won't stab you in the back.

 

But that is all a self-delusion. He is of low character and will screw over anyone if it suits him.

 

If he loved her and wanted to be with her, he would've left you for her many years ago. But he didn't because he wanted you taking care of the house and kids while he banged her on other chicks on the side for fun.

 

You have simply been chumped by a playa' and a womanizer and a conman.

 

You are trying to find ways to do mental gymnastics to fool yourself into believing you haven't.

[usernameisvalid]

Thank you so much to everyone who is trying to help. I really do see the point you're trying to make. I do agree that it's very likely that he will start this up with her if/when he gets a higher position. I keep turning over in my mind things I remember reading from the hundreds and hundreds of emails between them when I first found out, over 700 of them. It was a very involved affair but they both took turns ending it, and he finally put a stop to it, from what I could tell, the third time he opened a position for her to fill and work with him, and she said no once again. So now that he doesn't have that capability, and doesn't want to look diminished in her eyes (he hasn't changed his LinkedIn profile even though he works with it every day, and refused to tell her he got fired for cheating on his expense account), he will stay away from her until things change.

 

But I can't sit here waiting for it to happen. I need to have the courage to confront him, whatever the results might be. Thank you all for showing me what I didn't want to face, that this situation needs to be dealt even if he's "only" checking her FB! I will keep you all posted.

 

In my opinion, the situation that needs to be faced first and foremost is the actual affair.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

But I don't want to throw away my marriage if she didn't mean anything to him.

 

You're missing the point: it's not that she didn't mean anything to him; by cheating YOU didn't mean anything to him.

[BaileyB]

You're missing the point: it's not that she didn't mean anything to him; by cheating YOU didn't mean anything to him.

 

So true.

 

And the actual affair is just a symptom of the problems in your marriage and the fact that he does not have strong morals or character. Think long and hard about the kind of man in whom you want to place your trust. This guy, would not be worthy enough for me.

[stillafool]

I just think it is so sad when a woman will put up with anything just to have a man. Nadia does not confront him because she's afraid of losing him.

[BaileyB]

I just think it is so sad when a woman will put up with anything just to have a man. Nadia does not confront him because she's afraid of losing him.

 

Some women will put up with a lot to keep the man, financial security, a home or a certain lifestyle. I can appreciate how hard it must be to leave. But, I still think it's sad if someone gives up their dignity and self worth to a man because they are afraid of what they will lose if they leave.

 

For Nadia, I would say that you continue to cling to denial. This is much easier than facing the truth of the situation and taking the difficult steps you need to take. I hope you find the strength someday to face your reality and take back your dignity. Best wishes.

Edited October 28, 2016 by BaileyB

[Just a Guy]

Hi Nadia, sorry to see you here. However, the very fact that you are here and are asking these questions indicates that in your heart of hearts you know something is desperately wrong with your marriage and your husband. You are asking questions the answers to which are non existent, at least the answers that you want. The answers that people on this forum have given you are the ones you don't want to hear. What would it take for you to call it quits on your completely false marriage? If your husband is holding back on resuming his cheating habits due to circumstances beyond his control , you can be rest assured that had those circumstances not been a constraining factor he would have jumped right back in, assuming of course, that his OW was willing to get onboard. However, if it wasn't her it would be someone else.

 

You have been given some very good analyses and advice by the good folk here and remember, their combined experience is worth it's weight in gold, so you would do well to heed some of it for your own good unless of course, you want to set yourself up for heart break. If your husband's OW has been staying aloof from him it maybe her rich husband had got a whiff of what was going on and she did not want to lose her cushy lifestyle. So she just threw your husband under the bus as they commonly refer to it here and along with the fact that he was fired from his high powered job, his ego took a massive hit and he is probably licking his wounds till he regains a position of authority where he can be up to his monkey tricks again. The fact remains that you do not have to remain part of his nefarious plans and should free yourself so that you can chart a completely new path for yourself, free of his corrosive influence. Hope you will wake up and smell the coffee! Warm wishes.

Edited October 31, 2016 by Just a Guy

[SoleMate]

We know what's bad about him:

 

* Unfaithful

* Liar

* Cheats his wife

* Cheats his employer

* "Consulting"... == unemployed or marginally employed, right?

* Other?

 

So, what's good about him? I'll start the list, you fill in:

 

* Is a human being

* Has a heartbeat

* Has a penis

* Lives in your house

<you can continue it from here>

 

After you complete both lists and study them a while, your next step should be clear.

[ChickiePops]

I have a feeling this OP won't be returning. We didn't encourage her to continue burying her head in the sand...

[Nadia11]

Thank you everyone for your input. I needed some time away to process what everyone said here. But I am very disturbed over what I just found out! My husband actually committed a crime in order to be with this OW.

 

I have found evidence of correspondence between him and someone that indicates he had her car vandalized at her job - he paid someone off to total her car in the parking lot of her work then - so that she would get scared of the area where she worked, and accept a position working for him, which he offered her 3 weeks after the "incident"!!!! She said no - I was able to go back in their communications three years ago. Three months after she said no, he went back and offered the position again, I didn't see a reply, so I assume she denied it again. And that's the last communication I saw until she contacted him to say she knew about his getting fired and wish him well. He refused to tell her why.

 

What in the world do I do? I have two children with this man. And what does it mean that he committed a crime to be with her? His plan failed, but what if it hadn't? He is capable of anything. And now I'm seriously afraid for the consequences of confronting him. I don't know what to do. There's no evidence of him acting like this with any other woman and I think it just solidifies in my mind that he is just biding his time for a position of more power to be with her again, because he's capable of anything.

[BaileyB]

OMG! You need to take your children to somewhere that is safe, call the police, and start divorce proceedings. That is the only answer you will ever get on this board.

[stillafool]

How many times are you going to come here about his bad deeds and then not confront him? I'm not surprised he's doing this because he wants this OW. The question is what are you going to do with that information?

[summerdowling87]

Your H is not good at all.

 

He had an A for 6yrs that bad but then he tried to hire his ow 3x. And now he wants to scare her into coming to work for him so he can restart their A.

 

You say you have the means to leave so why don't you?

Want on earth is so good about your H that makes you stay?

You and the kids deserve better.

[Got it]

Please get legal advice. You need to know your rights and what will/would happen when you confront. That will help clear up the unknowns and fears tied to it.

 

Are you a conflict avoider in other areas of your life? Has standing up for yourself been an issue with others?

 

Seek a therapist as well who will help support you emotionally. And keep gathering evidence, print them and hide them somewhere safe not in the house.

[Nadia11]

I'm literally scared for myself and the children. And still, what keeps going through my mind is that he has to be in love with her to do something so wrong - and by the way, the car thing happened three years ago, I just found out about it now. It's as if I keep making excuses for him, that he doesn't really have feelings for her, then I find this out and all my excuses go down the drain. I don't have anyone to discuss this with, or to tell me outright that I've lost him to her, that our marriage is a farce. So thank you everyone who has tried to help. Have you ever felt as if you need a reality check? This is how I feel. I'm scared of him now, but I still hope that he's not, or was not, that involved with her, in which case I would try to work things out.

[ExpatInItaly]

If you won't do this for you, get away from him for your kids' sake. They don't have any choice in this matter, but he clearly doesn't give a crap about any of you if he was willing to compromise his livelihood and his freedom by committing crimes...let alone leading a double life with another woman.

 

You keep saying you don't want throw this away if she didn't mean anything to him, but OP, news flash: you don't mean very much to him at all either.

 

Your children deserve a stable and happy home life with parents who consider their best interests. That's not what you have. You have a sham of a marriage built on deception. You have a husband who is more concerned with satisfying his own needs than putting his wife and kids'.

[stillafool]

She already knows all of this she just wants to hang on to him no matter what. There's no helping her here she just wants to journal what is going on.