Tricked into being the Other Man

[California79]

Hello,

 

I'm sure I'm not the first or the last person with a situation like this. So I turned to these forums for feedback from those with experience.

 

To start off I realize I have deep personal insecurity issues I need to resolve, but I haven't been able to. I've tried reading self help books, attended seminars, and gotten proffesional help.

 

I was married to a woman who broke off a relationship just to go out with me. When we were introduced we talked, and although there was some spark between us, I made it clear I was not going to involve myself with someone in another relationship in any way. After a while she said it wasn't serious and proved it by ending things with her then BF. We hit it off, and 4 months later we got married. By the end of my marriage a few years later she was cheating on me with that same guy and ultimately left me for him. I don't know what became of her, I don't care. There were too many things wrong with that relationship by the end that it was detrimental to my state of mind to even remember her.

 

After contemplating my life for 3 years after my wife and I divorved, not dating or seeing anyone, I met a girl who worked for my brother's company. 6 Months after we were introduced she started confessing that she was interested in me. After I told my brother that I was going to ask her out, he said she was involved with a guy. That she had confided to her co-workers that she was in that relationship (on and off) for the past 8 years. I asked her what were her intentions and she said she was sick and tired of having potentional BF's run off on her because of that "dark cloud of a long past relationship looming over her". So I decided to give her a chance. We hit it off, she moved in with me, yet 6 months later she broke it off to get back together with the same guy. I wouldn't say this relationship was a failure. We both got a morale boost out of each other, and to put it bluntly, she was so angry at me most of the time, (my best guess is because I wasn't more like her other guy), that I finally got fed up, I grew a pair and I ended that relationship. I hold no ill- will towards her but I wouldn't revisit that relationship in my lifetime again.

 

And finally , the reason I'm posting here. I met a waitress who upon first inspection I realize she never wore a ring, and after 3 months of dining at the place she worked at, she asked me why I never brought my kids with me, I said "because I don't have any"... long story short, she said she was a single mom of 1 seven year old kid. But had ZERO interest in her ex (the Dad). So I asked her out, and on our first date she confessed she was living with another partner. So I stopped going out with her. She called me the following week wondering why I hadn't visited her restaurant again, I said that it wouldn't be appropriate anymore because I felt we crossed a line. She asked me out because she wanted to clarify something. So we met for a coffee and she confessed her current partner was abusive and that she was only living with him because she coudn't afford to go anywhere else. But she was moving back with a relative the following week. She asked me if I was interested in going out with her when she moved out. I said "Alright, IF you end things with this guy, and IF I'm NOT the sole reason you are ending the relationship, then yes, I'd be interested in going out with you".

 

Long story short, we went out for 2 months, everything was great. Her kid really liked me. But I felt someting was off. She never introduced me to any friends or family other than her son. Ultimately she left her whatsapp logged on my PC, and I read a bunch of messages with the ex-BF she was STILL living with apparently and photos of them making out. She was lying to him about us as well.

 

I am severly upset at the situation. I told her I didn't want to see her anymore. She was caught off guard. I told her "I received a call from someone explaining the whole truth" and she tried to deny things. I blocked her from calling me but she simply got 2 different phone numbers to keep contacting me. I ultimately answered and yelled at her to leave me the F alone. And yet she keeps sending messages that she wants to see me.

 

Sad part in all of this is that I miss her. She was great in bed, she looked great and I had fun talking to her. But I feel I deserve better than being lied to. Or maybe I don't. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for involving myself with women who are clearly emotionally attatched to other men, yet I was too naive or unwilling to see otherwise.

 

Thoughts on what I should do to get over her?

 

It doesn't help that she keeps popping up with new numbers and she knows where I work and where I live.

 

And lastly I wouldn't want to go out dating just to "get over someone". That wouldn't be fair to the other person.

 

I'm still clearly not over this last relationship. Part of me wants to hurt her back, part of me wants to sill BE with her regardless of what has happened, and part of me wishes she would just go away.

 

Problem is I can't do ANYTHING. My productivity is down to ZERO, while I juggle those 3 feelings inside of me. It's really affecting me.

 

Thanks for your Feedback

[aileD]

Have you considered counseling for yourself?

 

I say that because while on the outside you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, there is something about you on the inside that makes you attracted to damaged women.

 

It's not a coincidence that all your recent relationships have started out this way.

I would advise you to explore that with a therapist.

 

This most recent girl sounds a little overwhelming in a stalkery way. I would steer clear of her. Maybe change your phone number.

 

Good luck

[IfonlyIknew]

You seem like a rational man with your head on straight. You definitely deserve better. Her whatsapp account told you everything you needed to know, there is nothing she can say or do to justify it, by her lying makes her even worse of a potential girlfriend. You seen her for what she is now the hard part where she keeps calling you from different #'s, me personally I have dealt with my fair share of crazies, Ive come up with a plan of action and found an app called "YouMail" that sets up your voicemail to sound like your # is disconnected, make that your primary voicemail so every # will receive it, let your friends & fam know to disregard it until this blows over. Either way this woman has got to go!

[SammySammy]

I'm still clearly not over this last relationship. Part of me wants to hurt her back, part of me wants to sill BE with her regardless of what has happened, and part of me wishes she would just go away.

 

Problem is I can't do ANYTHING. My productivity is down to ZERO, while I juggle those 3 feelings inside of me. It's really affecting me.

 

Thanks for your Feedback

 

Been there, done that.

 

I understand the conflicting emotions. The sheer anger and disappointment from being lied to and misled. Her refusing to leave me alone after I initially broke it off. Wanting her to go away, but admitting being with her was a lot of fun.

 

I decided if she wouldn't leave me alone and thought it was okay to use me, then I was going to use her. The next several months was an exercise of sexual indulgence. From over the top romance to extreme BDSM and what can best be described as hate f*cking. And whatever else came to my mind. Problem was, the more extreme it got, the more she loved it.

 

Then, one day, I woke up and thought that's not who I was and I didn't want to do it anymore. So, I stopped. Cold turkey. Went NC and refused to answer any of her texts, calls, or email for over a year.

 

Realizing I shouldn't have continued the affair, because it ended anyway. Breaking it off early would have saved me a lot of time and wasted effort.

 

That's also how I ended up here. Wondering how and why it happened the way it did. What did it say about me? How could I move on with my life?

 

The healing started with ending all contact with her - just ignore all of her efforts to reach me - because this woman is very clever and devious too. Giving myself room and space to heal. Forgiving myself. Honest introspection and reflection. Refocusing my efforts on achieving my goals - one priority being physical fitness.

 

It has paid off tremendously and I'm in a far better place than I was.

[BuddyX]

So many red flags in every relationships. You have to start discarding women whenever you see potential drama. I'm betting that your gut was telling you something was off, but you keep justifying your situation. If your brothers telling you she has a man, she prob does.

 

Time for you to reasses your situation and ask why you keep falling for these women. You keep getting used.

Edited October 25, 2016 by BuddyX
Grammar

[California79]

IfIOnlyKnew:

 

Appreciate the kind words and although I thought of changing my phone number, I won't change my workplace or my home address. I realize the solution isn't running away from her. It will take more time but sooner or later she has to stop insisting I guess.

 

MidKnightDreams:

 

Wow, really appreciate the insight on what could have been. To be honest I'm not so sure what to think after what I read. I think I'm actually more confused or tempted on a course of action hahaha. However as "interesting" as things might play out it is clear that continuing this relationship in ANY sense will just end up hurting everyone involved. I just am somewhat bitter. Feels like I'm the only one bearing the brunt of this mess. Just feels unfair but life never is. I will try and be more decisive next time I meet someone's with RedFlags all over them.

 

BuddyX:

 

I guess I'm getting older and the thought of the possibility of not having a family at 37 is getting to me . Ive had 3 relationships in my life and it's so easy to make the wrong choice. Once you open up to someone, it's hard for me to give up on people. Regardless of background. But yeah , all 3 women in my life have had dysfunctional families, aside from troubled relationships. When I first meet them, I don't know anything about them. I guess it's just rotten luck.

 

Appreciate the feedback and will let you folks know what happens .

[anika99]

I don't think that your ex tricked you so much as you tricked yourself.

 

I would think that the experience with your exwife would have been enough for you to learn that women who are looking to monkey branch from one man to the next are bad news, yet you have made the conscious decision to do it two more times. Why are you refusing to learn the lesson that life is trying to teach you?

[California79]

Anika99:

 

It's has been rather difficult for me to ask women out. With my ex-wife it was her conversation that caught my interest to the point of having the courage of asking her out . With my ex-girlfriend it was the way she talked and the fact that she confessed that she was attracted to me that got me going. And with this last girl it was simply attraction at first sight . We never could resist smiling at each other and glancing at each other when I went to see her at work to eat.

 

Unfortunately the 3 Women I have had the courage to ask out have all had emotional issues. Which I Didn't know at first when chemistry was doing its job.

 

I've found the Red Flags AFTER I've emotionally invested myself in a relationship. Which makes it more difficult to disregard. I guess what I should do from now on is to avoid "falling" for them before I truly get to know them.

 

Good God, after typing that last sentence I'm afraid I've looked quite desperate in choosing the Women that have meant something in my life.