Should I tell my girlfriend I cheated on her?

[ManchesterUtdfan]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 months now (she's my first girlfriend). Everything was great in high school and over the summer, but we went on to different colleges that are about 400 miles away and things have gotten rough recently. I know there's no excuse for it,but I've cheated on her twice in the past couple of weeks. They were both at a bar when I was drunk, and it hasn't gone farther than making out and some touching. Whether I would have taken it farther I honestly can't say for sure that i wouldn't. Here's the thing though, I used to be super loyal to her. Whenever a girl would come up to me at a bar I'd immediately say I had a girlfriend no matter how drunk I was. Things have changed recently and we fight a lot. I've decided it's time to break up with her but I don't know if I should tell her I've cheated. I know it would devastate her because she had a lot of trust for me and I told her I'd never do that, and her previous boyfriend also cheated on her. I thought I loved this girl but I'm having doubts and if I could cheat on her so easily then I can't say for sure that I love her. I used to see a future with her but I don't anymore. What do I do?

[PaperCrane]

I will tell you coming from someone who was cheated on, that the pain of being cheated on is excruciating. It can scar a persons perception of dating and intimacy for life. If you're planning on breaking up with her, just do it, don't give a reason and do her the biggest favor by not contacting her again.

[BlackCherry]

No, don't tell her. I'm normally an advocate of the truth but I don't see what layering the pain of betrayal on top of being dumped will do for her. If you were planning to stay with her, my advice would be different.

 

Might be worth having a bit of introspection, look inside yourself and figure out how you were able to cheat on her not once, but twice, and continue to keep speaking to her, despite the betrayal. I assume you're young but even at 18 I couldn't have cheated on someone, and I think if I ever had done, I'd have felt such a terrible person for betraying them I'd have wanted to confess straight away. You'll have relationships in the future, you need to think about why you were willing and able to do this, or it could become a pattern.

 

Don't feel too bad about losing feelings for your gf, most young relationships (teens, even into early twenties) are characterised by a short burst of intense attraction/infatuation, before it wears off and you lose the feelings. It would probably have happened even in the same geographic area.

 

Be kind, but firm, tell her you don't see a future for you both anymore and wish her well. Then go no contact, don't try to stay friends. Be cruel to be kind. And figure out how the cheating happened. You're never too young to act as a man with integrity. Even if you're living it up at college with free flowing booze and single interested women.

[Space Ritual]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 months now (she's my first girlfriend). Everything was great in high school and over the summer, but we went on to different colleges that are about 400 miles away and things have gotten rough recently. I know there's no excuse for it,but I've cheated on her twice in the past couple of weeks. They were both at a bar when I was drunk, and it hasn't gone farther than making out and some touching. Whether I would have taken it farther I honestly can't say for sure that i wouldn't. Here's the thing though, I used to be super loyal to her. Whenever a girl would come up to me at a bar I'd immediately say I had a girlfriend no matter how drunk I was. Things have changed recently and we fight a lot. I've decided it's time to break up with her but I don't know if I should tell her I've cheated. I know it would devastate her because she had a lot of trust for me and I told her I'd never do that, and her previous boyfriend also cheated on her. I thought I loved this girl but I'm having doubts and if I could cheat on her so easily then I can't say for sure that I love her. I used to see a future with her but I don't anymore. What do I do?

 

Be honest with her....She deserves to know what type of person she is dating and allow her the dignity of making her own choice about the direction of your relationship.

 

Part of being an adult is accepting responsibility for our actions regardless of the outcome. I suggest you act like one.

[VeveCakes]

If you are going to break up with her just break up with her...spare her the cheating tales....

 

if you are staying together...I think you should tell her.

[smackie9]

Wait for a fight to happen, then use that as your opportunity to just end it. Say things are bad and you want out, you are done. Perfect exit.

[Joga_31]

Wait for a fight to happen, then use that as your opportunity to just end it. Say things are bad and you want out, you are done. Perfect exit.

 

Immature way to handle things. Don't listen to this post. Sorry if I offend, but just like he had the courage to cheat on his girlfriend he needs to have the courage to face consequences and see the damage he has created, so that he does not do it next time.

 

 

I would say the proper thing to do is to tell her what happened and that she deserves someone better and then expect the worse out of her.

 

But you brought this upon yourself OP. Next time don't enter a relationship if you can't control yourself or have doubts about your feelings with your girlfriend.

[elaine567]

If you are just going to break up with her DO NOT tell her you cheated. Cheating causes so much damage to self esteem and will ruin her trust in men for a long, long, long, long time. People can take years to get over it, if they ever really do.

Just walk away.

 

She doesn't need to be completely ruined just so that he realises the damage he has done, surely that is cruel and unnecessary?

[Joga_31]

If you are just going to break up with her DO NOT tell her you cheated. Cheating causes so much damage to self esteem and will ruin her trust in men for a long, long, long, long time. People can take years to get over it, if they ever really do.

Just walk away.

 

She doesn't need to be completely ruined just so that he realises the damage he has done, surely that is cruel and unnecessary?

 

lol but he is still lying, by not telling her.

 

Also imagine if she finds out from a third party and he didn't open his mouth, how do you think that will feel?

 

He's a grown up and now must face the consequences and she will also learn to and grow stronger from it.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

Of course all of us will give differing opinions as to whether or not to be honest, and that is simply based on our experience with infidelity. Some of us who were victims internalized the pain associated with it and would like to not have that pain visited upon another person. Which is understandable.

In my case I had to walk in on the truth after being completely in the dark for a number of months. So after my experience I would prefer to know the truth so I could make an informed decision, as difficult as the truth would be. But that's just me.

 

I would like to add that if the tables were turned, and it was your GF who was cheating on you without your knowledge, would you not want to know the truth so you could be armed with the knowledge of what someone who purported to love you was capable of?

 

The most honest path is usually the hardest, so it is understandable if you'd like to keep your actions a secret. Just remember that if you do, eventually your lack of integrity will catch up with you. Just remember that someday, when you least expect it, someone may pay you back in your own coin.

 

 

Good Luck.

[smackie9]

Immature way to handle things. Don't listen to this post. Sorry if I offend, but just like he had the courage to cheat on his girlfriend he needs to have the courage to face consequences and see the damage he has created, so that he does not do it next time.

 

 

I would say the proper thing to do is to tell her what happened and that she deserves someone better and then expect the worse out of her.

 

But you brought this upon yourself OP. Next time don't enter a relationship if you can't control yourself or have doubts about your feelings with your girlfriend.

Cheaters are cowards....he didn't have the courage to breakup with her so he goes out and bangs other chicks instead. It does NOT take courage to cheat.

 

He was looking for options, not how I would handle it personally. It's up to the op how to handle this.

[JS84]

Also cheating after 5 months into a relationship is not even close to being "super loyal". If you're going to break up with her I wouldn't mention the cheating.

[smackie9]

This is one of the post and ghost threads.....OP is gone.

[ManchesterUtdfan]

Right here actually and I've taken all your guys thoughts into consideration. I tried ending things respectfully and simply told her I didn't see a future anymore but she won't buy it. Matter of fact, she bought a bus ticket home and I'm about to see her. She's convinced that I'm the one for her but I'm clearly not if I would do that to her. Shes a great girl and I messed up bad but I still feel the relationship isn't going anywhere. I'm gonna try to give her closure when I see her in person and hope she can accept it although I doubt she will. I really want to avoid telling her that I cheated because I know she won't be able to handle that.

[kendahke]

Right here actually and I've taken all your guys thoughts into consideration. I tried ending things respectfully and simply told her I didn't see a future anymore but she won't buy it. Matter of fact, she bought a bus ticket home and I'm about to see her. She's convinced that I'm the one for her but I'm clearly not if I would do that to her. Shes a great girl and I messed up bad but I still feel the relationship isn't going anywhere. I'm gonna try to give her closure when I see her in person and hope she can accept it although I doubt she will. I really want to avoid telling her that I cheated because I know she won't be able to handle that.

 

She's coming there to maintain this false construct. You have to let her know there is absolutely no hope for the relationship from where you stand and you're going to have to act like it--and don't confuse "closure" (no such thing) with a mad scramble to maintain the status quo, which this is going to turn into. She's coming there to talk you into giving her her way because she doesn't understand how irretrievably this relationship is damaged. While I don't think any good will come from telling her you cheated if you're of the mind to end it and walk away, you may end up needing to tell her so that she understands this is over as far as you're concerned. Make the cut swift and clean.

Edited October 26, 2016 by kendahke

[olivetree]

Being cheated on is devastating. Even though it will hurt her, I think you should tell her the truth. If she has any self-worth, it will help her to move on from you.

[smackie9]

Call her and tell her before she gets on that bus.

[Space Ritual]

I tried ending things respectfully and ....

 

Wrong....if you would have tried to end things respectfully you would have been honest with her.

 

You doubled down on this because you lied to her by omission out of fear. So now she is on her way to see you to try to patch this up under false pretenses.

 

Can you now understand how your actions get you into even deeper trouble when you add lies to the mix?

 

And yes, lying by omission is still a lie.

 

You do realize that regardless of what happens now there will be a large chance of an over dramatic scene that you could have avoided had you been honest in the first place? Or better yet, how about just being faithful could have prevented this day from happening at all?

 

 

Oh well, let us know how it goes when the smoke clears. I won't opine on your situation anymore. You already know what a pile of crap you've gotten yourself into.

 

Good Luck in the Future.

[PrettyEmily77]

I would tell her you cheated, because you did cheat.

 

What if she asks you directly? Are you going to add lying to her face to cheating on her? What if she finds out some other way (these things invariably get found out eventually)?

[PaperCrane]

Since you couldn't end it and had to try and come up with an excuse, it's time to tell her.

 

She see's the "no future" as an obstacle she can fix now, instead of you simply telling her it's done and goodbye.

[Dirt]

I'm not a fan of being dishonest but I think in this scenario it would be a good idea given her history. If her last bf cheated on her and then you did she may develop a negative view of men and that will carry onto the next relationship.

 

I think I'd say the distance is making the relationship difficult and you don't see this working out because you don't know where college/career will take you.