Why is it so difficult to get over an abusive borderline tendency relationship?

[ahall1701]

I [28M] left my ex girlfriend [23F] of 2.5 years a little over two months ago due to about a gazillion red flags, and a lot of suppprt from this site and family/friends. As sweet and loving as she could be, the flip side of that coin was a terribly insecure rage monster. In the end I broke up with her after she began facebook messaging another guy who she said was "just a new friend". After multiple disrespectful actions, boundary crossing to the 10th degree and no sex for over a year, I bailed.

 

I have no doubt that I made the correct decision.

 

I learned about borderline personality disorder about halfway into the relationship. I thought "it makes sense now" as she had many traits. Most traits.

 

She did not cheat on me "to my knowledge" during our relationship. However, here's a small list of **** I was dumb enough to look over.

 

-Rage episodes -Flirting with other men -Giving her number to other men(to bring to church...)-Having friends that did hard drugs (she did not, my knowledge) -Breaking boundaries -Double Standards (she could talk, message, hangout, fb, ect with other men. But would become angry if I spoke of another woman) -Tell me how "hot" her roommates dates and guy friends were -Super controlling (angry when I'd have fun without her. Ex: skateboard, swim, hang with friends) -Hated all of my friends and most family

 

 

There's more, way more.

 

My question is, why was it so hard to leave and why do I still think about her and miss her. She was terrible! But I miss her. Don't get me wrong, I don't want her back in my life. I'm not trying to idolize the good times either.

 

We're talking about a girl who had become brainwashed by Evangelist folk and went off of the rails with religion. Faith healing, anti vaxx, conspiracy theories, evemtually binge drinking, left a movie as she said "I thin a demon is on me", ect.

I guess I'm just deprograming from the horrid situation I was in. She doesn't believe in going to medical doctors anymore. She goes to the chiropractic doc.

 

Sorry, I'm rambling at this point. No contact since I left. But you get the idea.

 

Her friends did try to contact me a month ago. I didn't answer or respond.

 

Usually my days are really nice now. No real stress. But I get these moments of sadness over the loss.

And it sounds outrageous.

So why is leaving/moving on from a abusive/heavy borderline trait so difficult?

 

Thanks everyone!

[MsJayne]

Because on a subconscious level you acknowledge that this person actually isn't capable of genuinely loving you or any other human being because she's too screwed up, so therefore you experience the same sense of rejection that you'd have if the other person had been the one who ended it. Also you have a sense of the loss of 2.5 years of your life, and the loss of a little bit of self respect for putting up with the crap for so long. Personally I think people with these sorts of psychological problems should come with a warning stamp on their forehead, they're an emotional drain that sucks the 'happy' out of you. You'll move past it soon enough, and look at the bright side, it was only 2.5 years and not 25.

[Downtown]

Ahall, what a wonderful surprise! Thanks so much for returning to tell us what happened over the past year -- and tell us that you finally were successful in ending that toxic relationship two months ago. Smart decision. I am very happy for you.

 

So why is leaving/moving on from a abusive/heavy borderline trait so difficult?

There are several reasons, Ahall. The primary reason is that walking away from a BPDer feels like you are walking away from a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. As we discussed back in July 2015, a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old. Whereas a full-blown narcissist and a sociopath are unable to love, a BPDer is able to love very intensely. It is an immature form of love, however, and thus falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship.

 

A second reason is that, whereas narcissists and sociopaths manipulate you with deliberate lies, a BPDer usually believes most of the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Because her feelings are so intense, she is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct. Moreover, that sincerity and conviction usually will be obvious to you (and to the police if she ever calls them to arrest you). Hence, because you know she loves you and truly believes most of her allegations, you mistakenly assume that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore the R/S to that wonderful bliss and passion you saw at the beginning.

 

A third reason -- especially for excessive caregivers like you and me -- is that a BPDer relationship gives us an opportunity to experience the intoxicating feeling of being the nearly perfect man who has ridden in on a white horse to save the maiden from unhappiness. As we discussed last year, our need to be needed far exceeds our need to be loved. We therefore are strongly attracted to a child-like woman who can project her vulnerability across a crowded room. Indeed, if you ever see a Marilyn Monroe movie, you will see a BPDer woman who could project enormous vulnerability right off of a flat movie screen.

 

A fourth reason is that, because a BPDer so completely mirrors the best aspects of your personality and your preferences, you both mistakenly believe that you have found your "soulmate." Hence, even we you later start to question that intense feeling intellectually, you still have to fight against the intense feeling that she is somehow perfect for you -- and destined to be your mate.

Edited October 26, 2016 by Downtown

[Frozensushi]

Hence, because you know she loves you and truly believes most of her allegations, you mistakenly assume that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore the R/S to that wonderful bliss and passion you saw at the beginning.

 

This never gets old. I have to keep reminding myself every day about this when my BPDex pops into my head.

 

I could never win a disagreement because my Ex had this uncanny of distorting the facts and getting me to believe that I was the sole problem. After a while, it just became automatic where I just accepted her punishing behavior. That I was responsible for all the problems we were continuously having. My Ex always told me I needed to change or she would threaten to leave me. I was always on the defense, always trying to keep the peace, apologizing for things I didn't do or for things that were trivial in nature. I realize now I could have become the person my Ex wanted me to become, but it wouldn't have solved the real issues.

 

Every time we got back together after a breakup, I really thought my Ex "Could see the light". Looking back, each breakup just made the relationship more dysfunctional with each cycle. I'm so conditioned by all the breakup/makeup cycles, I think there's a part of my brain that thinks the relationship is just going through a 'phase', so it's protracting the disengagement.

 

I'm at 2 months NC today. I'm still not over it. I've even been dating and I still feel lost. Every day is a struggle. I think about loving things she said, but then it's contradicted by her actions and how she treated me and I get really sad or upset.

 

We just have to keep moving forward. We are 2 months in, the wounds are still fresh. Just remind yourself this isn't just any kind of breakup. It's something on an entirely different level. No one who's walked in our shoes made it out without scars.

[Been]

Because for almost 3 years she was a part of your life and then she wasn't. You went from talking/being with someone on a daily basis to NOT being with them at all. That creates a void in your life for you.

Plus with a bipolar person there is all that drama that you get used to. Fighting one minute and the next minute making up. And it's usually intense.

[LastAcorn99]

I think it’s only natural for you to feel this way. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. Take care!

[Haydn]

It`s the cycle.....

 

You start to believe that you are actually wrong and they maybe have a point.

 

You start to delve to deep into why they believe so firmly they are right.

 

You get trapped. You fight for the RS, over and over. The eggshells become glass.

 

I could go on but it`s all here somewhere.

 

From DT.

 

 

usually believes most of the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Because her feelings are so intense, she is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct.

[zouz71]

Men are more vulnerable to this because we consider it as a failure , when a man is incapable of making his eve happy , he feels destroyed because for him it means that he is failing , 2-3 years is not a short period ;

 

and you will always miss her despite the fact she hurt u ; the important thing now is how to remove the fog from your way , and be strong , eventually you will heal .

Good luck ,

[ahall1701]

Ahall, what a wonderful surprise! Thanks so much for returning to tell us what happened over the past year -- and tell us that you finally were successful in ending that toxic relationship two months ago. Smart decision. I am very happy for you.

 

There are several reasons, Ahall. The primary reason is that walking away from a BPDer feels like you are walking away from a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. As we discussed back in July 2015, a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old. Whereas a full-blown narcissist and a sociopath are unable to love, a BPDer is able to love very intensely. It is an immature form of love, however, and thus falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship.

 

A second reason is that, whereas narcissists and sociopaths manipulate you with deliberate lies, a BPDer usually believes most of the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Because her feelings are so intense, she is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct. Moreover, that sincerity and conviction usually will be obvious to you (and to the police if she ever calls them to arrest you). Hence, because you know she loves you and truly believes most of her allegations, you mistakenly assume that -- if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong -- you can restore the R/S to that wonderful bliss and passion you saw at the beginning.

 

A third reason -- especially for excessive caregivers like you and me -- is that a BPDer relationship gives us an opportunity to experience the intoxicating feeling of being the nearly perfect man who has ridden in on a white horse to save the maiden from unhappiness. As we discussed last year, our need to be needed far exceeds our need to be loved. We therefore are strongly attracted to a child-like woman who can project her vulnerability across a crowded room. Indeed, if you ever see a Marilyn Monroe movie, you will see a BPDer woman who could project enormous vulnerability right off of a flat movie screen.

 

A fourth reason is that, because a BPDer so completely mirrors the best aspects of your personality and your preferences, you both mistakenly believe that you have found your "soulmate." Hence, even we you later start to question that intense feeling intellectually, you still have to fight against the intense feeling that she is somehow perfect for you -- and destined to be your mate.

 

 

Thanks so much for all of your advice, Downtown. Seriously, you have really helped me. Last year was a total Rollercoaster but with a bit of learning and effort I got to a WAY better place! Some days it's a little tuff. Thanks to you and some of the peeps on her. JoseB, Gus Grimly and others. I was able to focus on MY needs and put me first! It's really amazing being only 2 months out and really seeing what I was involved with. It's a work in progress but good work none the less.

 

Think Doc Brown when he nearly forgot the plutonium to take with him in the DeLorean lolol. That's how I feel a lot of the time. Like holy crap! I blew through this red flag, that red flag, this one there... Lord. I finally got so freakin sick of worrying about her behavior that I just said enough. Enough of her late night drunk calls for attention. Enough of her trying to make me jealous. Enough of her rage, double standards and mean spirit toward my family and friends. Just stop. And I did! Part of me misses her. But my life is CALM. It's really weird.

 

Every other day she would pressure me about marriage and an engagement. EVERY OTHER DAY. It was obsessive and made me really uncomfortable.

 

Doesn't matter anymore I guess. Gotta move forward! It's strange but I'm SLOWLY getting back to normal. Long road ahead, but a better one for sure.

 

Thank you so much, DOWNTOWN

Edited October 26, 2016 by ahall1701

[malebroken]

Take care n be happy

I on the flip of this, I've just discovered I was emotionally abusive in our relationship. Looks, sulking, going quiet etc. I've now lost the love of my life n my family. I can see it now n I've enrolled on a domestic perpetrators course to better myself. I just wish I'd done before

[Frozensushi]

I blew through this red flag, that red flag, this one there... Lord. I finally got so freakin sick of worrying about her behavior that I just said enough. Enough of her late night drunk calls for attention. Enough of her trying to make me jealous. Enough of her rage, double standards and mean spirit toward my family and friends. Just stop. And I did! Part of me misses her. But my life is CALM. It's really weird.

 

Haha, it's funny. So many times I read what others say about their BPD Ex's behavior and it's like I'm reading my own story. It's funny but also sad in a way. I know there's been debate on this forum about the BPD issue. Some users felt like we were carelessly diagnosing other people by labeling them with a mental disorder. It's a sensitive issue.

 

I've been in many healthy relationships before. No one really understands the gravity of what we went through unless they experienced it for themselves. The quote below is something I experienced verbatim.

 

It`s the cycle.....

 

• You start to believe that you are actually wrong and they maybe have a point.
  
• You start to delve to deep into why they believe so firmly they are right.
  
• You get trapped. You fight for the RS, over and over. The eggshells become glass.
  
• I could go on but it`s all here somewhere.
  

From DT.

 

usually believes most of the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Because her feelings are so intense, she is absolutely convinced they MUST be correct.

 

This was my relationship in a nutshell. There's two sides to every story and I'm the last one to just go around bashing someone, especially when I am madly in love with them. BUT, if some random stranger on the internet can so accurately define what happened to me, with minimal information to go by, how could I not take notice? I'm extremely grateful to those who have helped guide me to understanding what I experienced. I know that I'm not alone and that I'm NOT a horrible person.

 

I'm so gratful to all the help and guidance that I received. Thank you.

[No_Go]

My question is, why was it so hard to leave and why do I still think about her and miss her. She was terrible! But I miss her. Don't get me wrong, I don't want her back in my life. I'm not trying to idolize the good times either.

 

Because the emotions were elevated all the time. You're living on adrenalin. It is almost like withdrawal from a drug...

 

The best cure is to distract from this past with another equally intense experience... Not necessarily dating, but this is an option.

[ahall1701]

I've been in many healthy relationships before. No one really understands the gravity of what we went through unless they experienced it for themselves.

 

100% THIS. Many of the people in my life are at a loss for why I'm not over it all yet. I try to explain the cold reality that being involved with a person like this is a major mind****. But even after all of the explanations I give, no one really gets it. Some days it can be frustrating. But I have good outlets to speak, like loveshack and some good family. In our 2 months apart I've been no contact, blocked all social media and haven't even tried nor really cared enough to look online. I just have no real desire. I am trying go focus on moving on and being healthy.

 

In a lot of ways I actually feel sorry for her as this behavior will most likely worsen over time and she will have a difficult life as a result. I don't know if she is with anyone but I just don't care to know. She did so many hurtful things to me that I just want to leave her in the past. The girl needs help, help beyond what I can give. I broke with her and she kept saying "You're not even going to give me a chance to fix this?".

 

Unlike last year when she left me and went overseas, came back broke and begged me back. But her text while overseas was basically "I'll never know why you didn't fight for me." And she left me!!!

 

Anyway, I digress. I'm getting out of the fog and it feels great! I'll be glad when we finially put this behind us and are well in life

[ahall1701]

I think the biggest issue is the anger and near rage I feel toward her. I found out she was messaging this other guy when I went to her work. She had mentioned how he makes more money and has a good job and is trying to get closer to God.

 

At her job I saw she was messaging him on Facebook. Though she did tell me about him and that she was talking to him on facebook. At that point I realized I'd had enough. The double standards were enough. I walk out of the office and went home. I texted her that we needed to talk later. She flipped out and called and texted. I answered, angry. Told her that her double standards were not ok anymore.

 

I hung up and went to work. I didn't text her till that evening and didn't bother to respond to her messages or calls.

 

The next day I broke up with her on the phone. Told her that her and her outrageous religious beliefs were too much. She cried and said that she had the right to break up with me for my behavior for not answering the phone the night before.

 

Then she asked if we could fix it. If we could "try".

 

I agreed, as I was not in a good emotional place.

 

We talked the next day and she was angry at me and said that this was all my fault. She made me feel like absolute crap. Minipulator to the max. The next night she came to watch a movie for a little bit. The whole time hiding her phone messages from me by turning her body. But the reflection on the glass door was the Facebook messaging app. The app she used to chat with this new guy. I was heartbroken. I didn't say anything. I knew what was happening.

 

I tried to log into her facebook but as soon as I started I realized that there was no trust. And the relationship was gone.

 

The next day I broke up with her over a long text message. I couldn't handle her trying to minipulate me again. I didn't want to see her. I was crushed, again. She tried calling for a few minutes and stopped. 6 hours later she responded to my text saying she loved me and couldn't believe I broke up over text. After that, it's been total silence.

 

2 months later and I realize what I was involved with. Most days I'm ok. But there are days where my anger becomes scarry. So I got to the gym and hit the bag. Some days to the point of breaking my wrists.

 

I get so angry at her. Part of me wants some validation from her for the terrible treatment. I know I'll never get it. Hell, even though I have deleted her from my life I still think about her. Some days I'm tempted to look her up. I stop myself as I know it will only cause me pain. I figure she's involved with this dude and it makes me pretty sad sometimes.

 

Some days I think that I caused this mess, this heartbreak. It's hard letting go. I feel like I'm stuck some nights. Uh, what the hell happened?

Edited October 29, 2016 by ahall1701

[NopeNah]

Check out this song/video...it shows what we go/went through.

[PLT]

This thread and most of these posts resonate with me in such a way that I am sitting here with tears in my eyes.

 

I always knew, deep down, that there was something inherently wrong with our relationship.Even in the beginning, the odd things she'd say that i'd brush off. the irrational jealousy, the complete inability to resolve and forgive, the complete inability to take responsibility for her part.

 

The break up/make up cycle started about a year ago. Along with this came more and more frequent rage episodes, often over incredibly trivial things. She started using the phrases "replace" and "other man" on a VERY regular basis. She started making the most ridiculous accusations. She started doing things that looking back I see as utterly disgraceful behaviour. She "ghosted" me in February this year, for 3 months. Didn't tell me it was over, didn't respond to my pleas to speak to me (yet I know she read them).

 

After 3 months she got back in contact, and we spent another 3 months together. To start with everything was fine, but very quickly the same old behaviours reared up. It started to seem as though each time things escalated a little more, until it got to where I genuinely thought she was about to hit me.

 

She dumped me again in late August, over another false and frankly ludicrous accusation. A month ago I again tried reaching out to her. Things were cordial for a week or so and then another baseless accusation arose, things got argumentative, and she told me to not contact her again, from nowhere.

 

I responded just asking what on earth had made her attitude change so quickly when I had done nothing to warrant such an attitude.

 

3 days later I had a call from police saying they had received a complaint from her of harassment, and not to contact her again or I could be arrested.

 

This, like I say was 3 weeks ago, but it feels so much longer. I'm not a complete mess, like I was when she ghosted me, but I miss her. Why the hell do I miss this woman who was so incredibly horrible to me, especially over the past year to 18 months. I keep hoping that she will contact me, while at the same time knowing that she wont, (her view is that men should do all the chasing and peacemaking, even if it isn't the man in the wrong) and in many ways hoping that she won't, as I don't feel that I'm strong enough yet to give her short shrift.

 

She is toxic, but at the same time intoxicating, and it is driving me crazy. I have not contacted her in these past 3 weeks.

 

We are both in our 40s, were together for 3 years (or 4 if you count all the break up/make up cycles), she has not been diagnosed with any personality disorder, but as said above, if strangers on an internet forum write things that you could have written yourself, you take note.

 

On the plus side, I am going out for lunch with a local single socialisers meetup group in a couple of hours for the first time. I'm actually very nervous about it, and it is way out of my comfort zone, but I feel so isolated at the moment that I simply HAVE to get out and meet some people.

[Frozensushi]

She "ghosted" me in February this year, for 3 months.

 

Man, I'm sorry you are going through this. I was ghosted for weeks on end myself. It's awful to be put through that.

 

Even in the beginning, the odd things she'd say that i'd brush off. the irrational jealousy, the complete inability to resolve and forgive, the complete inability to take responsibility for her part.

 

My Ex also would say really odd things. She was opinionated about really weird stuff. I know all too well about "the complete inability to resolve and forgive" AND "inability to take responsibility for her part". The worst part is that I was always in trouble for trivial things. You can't reason with BPDers as they don't see the world like we do. Especially if they are in engulfment mode.

 

Example: MY Ex and I would have a wonderful, intimate evening together. Either that night or the next day she'd create an argument out of thin air pushing me away. We'd be discussing engagement plans one moment and a few hours later she's telling me it's over. This push and pull happened throughout the relationship.

 

My Ex would treat total strangers and casual friends with such amazing kindness, then come home and treat me with such cold disdain. Why? Because these people do not pose a threat, there's no intimate close relationship to be abandoned. The first 4 months we were together she was in idealization mode where I was a god in her eyes. This allowed her to tolerate me being close because, at that point in the R/S, I was simply perfect. I was her savior, a man unlike any that had come before, so she believed that these projected qualities were true, on a subconscious level.

 

I was a threat because I triggered my Ex's Fears (Abandonment/Engulfment) that stemmed from her childhood. The relationship with my Ex was toxic because the two of us unintentionally triggered each other. This kind of relationship is very complex and extremely loaded.

 

I know you miss her and want her back, unfortunately, love won't prevail, things will never go back to "Being the way they used to be". Take it from me, I LIVED for the hope that one day the R/S would return to the "idealization stage". It's what kept me hanging on for so long, but instead of the R/S growing, it eroded over time.

 

Keep posting here. It really does help. Please, don't return to her. You will only be setting yourself up for even more misery. I was barely hanging on by a thread when I got to these forums. The wisdom here helped guide me back to life. Stay strong, you can do it. Check out the sticky NC post.

 

Good luck to you!!

[PLT]

Thanks dude I appreciate you taking the time.

 

Yes, idealization sounds familiar! I could literally do no wrong for just under 3 years, then suddenly everything I did just made her angry. Even when I did something right, it wasn't right enough, if that even makes sense.

Nice gestures or acts of kindness on my part became the norm. She stopped appreciating all the little things I did for her.

 

Being ghosted after 3 and a bit years, well I still can't get my head around that. I had asked her since why she did it, her response "I didn't know what to do". Well a simple "its over", or "I need time" or "we're fine I just need some quiet time" wouldnt have killed her. Instead I was left dangling on a string for 3 months.

I also cant get my head around the [police / harasment thing. I mean, 3 days earlier she was talking about going to see a play, then the crazy accusation spewed out, and that was that. My head is still spinning.

 

If february I was an utter mess. I didnt go out, I didnt do anything but mope. I did spend a lot of time here and it helped pass the days and it was helpful but it got to the point where I was wallowing a bit too much and needed to snap out of it. Just as I started to get a grip, she contacted me.

 

The thing I find most difficult is reconciling those 2 very conflicting emotions and thoughts. On the one hand, it is clear as day that she is no good for me, that it will never work because of our differences, that she is incredibly manipulative and abusive, and that she has absolutely no boundaries as far as what she would throw at me. There were no off limit subjects in her eyes. My fathers suicide, the death of my 2 children, everything was fair game as ammunition in her eyes. I don't even want someone like that in my life.

 

And yet, I miss her like crazy.

 

I guess I'm just holding on to the hope that time will heal. Until then, I'm concentrating on my studies (yes I started a science degree aged 44!), my family and friends, and myself.

[Haydn]

Man, I'm sorry you are going through this. I was ghosted for weeks on end myself. It's awful to be put through that.

 

 

 

My Ex also would say really odd things. She was opinionated about really weird stuff. I know all too well about "the complete inability to resolve and forgive" AND "inability to take responsibility for her part". The worst part is that I was always in trouble for trivial things. You can't reason with BPDers as they don't see the world like we do. Especially if they are in engulfment mode.

 

Example: MY Ex and I would have a wonderful, intimate evening together. Either that night or the next day she'd create an argument out of thin air pushing me away. We'd be discussing engagement plans one moment and a few hours later she's telling me it's over. This push and pull happened throughout the relationship.

 

My Ex would treat total strangers and casual friends with such amazing kindness, then come home and treat me with such cold disdain. Why? Because these people do not pose a threat, there's no intimate close relationship to be abandoned. The first 4 months we were together she was in idealization mode where I was a god in her eyes. This allowed her to tolerate me being close because, at that point in the R/S, I was simply perfect. I was her savior, a man unlike any that had come before, so she believed that these projected qualities were true, on a subconscious level.

 

I was a threat because I triggered my Ex's Fears (Abandonment/Engulfment) that stemmed from her childhood. The relationship with my Ex was toxic because the two of us unintentionally triggered each other. This kind of relationship is very complex and extremely loaded.

 

I know you miss her and want her back, unfortunately, love won't prevail, things will never go back to "Being the way they used to be". Take it from me, I LIVED for the hope that one day the R/S would return to the "idealization stage". It's what kept me hanging on for so long, but instead of the R/S growing, it eroded over time.

 

Keep posting here. It really does help. Please, don't return to her. You will only be setting yourself up for even more misery. I was barely hanging on by a thread when I got to these forums. The wisdom here helped guide me back to life. Stay strong, you can do it. Check out the sticky NC post.

 

Good luck to you!!

 

 

Yes..........

 

None of us are therapists. And we really don`t know.

 

But i got through this. I am now in a RS i couldn`t imagine.

 

Downtown helped me unlock quite a few things.

 

Good luck fellas. Not easy.

[ahall1701]

This thread and most of these posts resonate with me in such a way that I am sitting here with tears in my eyes.

 

I always knew, deep down, that there was something inherently wrong with our relationship.Even in the beginning, the odd things she'd say that i'd brush off. the irrational jealousy, the complete inability to resolve and forgive, the complete inability to take responsibility for her part.

 

The break up/make up cycle started about a year ago. Along with this came more and more frequent rage episodes, often over incredibly trivial things. She started using the phrases "replace" and "other man" on a VERY regular basis. She started making the most ridiculous accusations. She started doing things that looking back I see as utterly disgraceful behaviour. She "ghosted" me in February this year, for 3 months. Didn't tell me it was over, didn't respond to my pleas to speak to me (yet I know she read them).

 

After 3 months she got back in contact, and we spent another 3 months together. To start with everything was fine, but very quickly the same old behaviours reared up. It started to seem as though each time things escalated a little more, until it got to where I genuinely thought she was about to hit me.

 

She dumped me again in late August, over another false and frankly ludicrous accusation. A month ago I again tried reaching out to her. Things were cordial for a week or so and then another baseless accusation arose, things got argumentative, and she told me to not contact her again, from nowhere.

 

I responded just asking what on earth had made her attitude change so quickly when I had done nothing to warrant such an attitude.

 

3 days later I had a call from police saying they had received a complaint from her of harassment, and not to contact her again or I could be arrested.

 

This, like I say was 3 weeks ago, but it feels so much longer. I'm not a complete mess, like I was when she ghosted me, but I miss her. Why the hell do I miss this woman who was so incredibly horrible to me, especially over the past year to 18 months. I keep hoping that she will contact me, while at the same time knowing that she wont, (her view is that men should do all the chasing and peacemaking, even if it isn't the man in the wrong) and in many ways hoping that she won't, as I don't feel that I'm strong enough yet to give her short shrift.

 

She is toxic, but at the same time intoxicating, and it is driving me crazy. I have not contacted her in these past 3 weeks.

 

We are both in our 40s, were together for 3 years (or 4 if you count all the break up/make up cycles), she has not been diagnosed with any personality disorder, but as said above, if strangers on an internet forum write things that you could have written yourself, you take note.

 

On the plus side, I am going out for lunch with a local single socialisers meetup group in a couple of hours for the first time. I'm actually very nervous about it, and it is way out of my comfort zone, but I feel so isolated at the moment that I simply HAVE to get out and meet some people.

 

Hey there, just wanted to chime in. Thanks for posting here. For myself, I realize that I am not going to date for a while. The emotional turmoil I've experienced won't go away over night. And it won't for anyone who has gone through what we have. Like I said, there are days where I miss her. She wasn't a BAD person. She was just very flawed. And that helps. I was dealing with someone who didn't know who she was/is. That led to her insecurities and projecting her insecurities. None of this is my fault. I did have a key part in the relationship and I recognize my own flaws. But I would never treat nor behave the way she did to my significant other. Phone checking, validation of love/attractiveness, Church worship to the 10th degree to near cult status and friends who are a bad influence who she agreed with on crazy conspiracy theories are all related to her lack of identity in one way or another. She lacked identity for herself and latched onto people to 'fill' herself.

 

Unfortunately this led to bad behaviors and her trying like hell to get me to go down the crazy rabbit hole.

 

All I can say is that I'm sorry you are hurt and feel the way you do. But it's OK to feel the way you are feeling. As it is for the rest of us. These people have problems and their partner cannot solve the issues for them. It will take time and don't feel like you need to get with someone else right NOW. Take time to heal. I know I am. I have doubts somedays. Doubts if I did the right thing. But I think of ALL the things she did and I realize this is not someone suitable for a wife/gf/lover. Emotions can suck, but the alternative is to live a unfulfilled life with a person who will suck you dry and hurt you over and over again. We can pitty them, but we cannot be there for them. That comes from within them. They have to help themselves.

Edited October 31, 2016 by ahall1701

[fromheart]

I [28M] left my ex girlfriend [23F] of 2.5 years a little over two months ago due to about a gazillion red flags, and a lot of suppprt from this site and family/friends. As sweet and loving as she could be, the flip side of that coin was a terribly insecure rage monster. In the end I broke up with her after she began facebook messaging another guy who she said was "just a new friend". After multiple disrespectful actions, boundary crossing to the 10th degree and no sex for over a year, I bailed.

 

I have no doubt that I made the correct decision.

 

I learned about borderline personality disorder about halfway into the relationship. I thought "it makes sense now" as she had many traits. Most traits.

 

She did not cheat on me "to my knowledge" during our relationship. However, here's a small list of **** I was dumb enough to look over.

 

-Rage episodes -Flirting with other men -Giving her number to other men(to bring to church...)-Having friends that did hard drugs (she did not, my knowledge) -Breaking boundaries -Double Standards (she could talk, message, hangout, fb, ect with other men. But would become angry if I spoke of another woman) -Tell me how "hot" her roommates dates and guy friends were -Super controlling (angry when I'd have fun without her. Ex: skateboard, swim, hang with friends) -Hated all of my friends and most family

 

 

There's more, way more.

 

My question is, why was it so hard to leave and why do I still think about her and miss her. She was terrible! But I miss her. Don't get me wrong, I don't want her back in my life. I'm not trying to idolize the good times either.

 

We're talking about a girl who had become brainwashed by Evangelist folk and went off of the rails with religion. Faith healing, anti vaxx, conspiracy theories, evemtually binge drinking, left a movie as she said "I thin a demon is on me", ect.

I guess I'm just deprograming from the horrid situation I was in. She doesn't believe in going to medical doctors anymore. She goes to the chiropractic doc.

 

Sorry, I'm rambling at this point. No contact since I left. But you get the idea.

 

Her friends did try to contact me a month ago. I didn't answer or respond.

 

Usually my days are really nice now. No real stress. But I get these moments of sadness over the loss.

And it sounds outrageous.

So why is leaving/moving on from a abusive/heavy borderline trait so difficult?

 

Thanks everyone!

 

 

When we're insecure, we become addicted to abuse. It 'scratches the itch,' of past unresolved issues.

 

You and anyone else may think, I never, ever wanted this abuse I'm getting. Yet people continue to allow it when any self respecting person, would be out the door at the first sign of a red flag.

[aloneinaz]

Wow, every time I pop in here to Love shack and run into a thread on BPD's, I get the chills reading all the same, familiar stories that we've all lived through. The good news is we survive it and move on w/our lives.

 

I've said it before. When you're finally DONE with a relationship with someone who has such strong BDP traits, you're probably suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. In my case, I really believe it was true. I'd had over 5 long term relationships in my life and none were in the same neighborhood of pain and suffering at the end of them.

 

I think my feet are still scared from the egg shells I walked on the last 6 months of that relationship with her! I also believe there is a correlation in that most males who endure and tolerate this abuse have some deep insecurities that make these folks so attractive to us. I figured some of mine out post break up and it helped me come to peace with myself for tolerating so much of her over the top abusive behavior from her.

 

The good news is I'm closing in on 4 years post break up. I'm engaged now to my GF of over 3 years who is polar opposite of this ex. She has the best mental health of any woman I've been with. She is happy and positive 99% of the time. No micro second mood swings. No rage or anger issues. To be honest, it took me a while to "readjust" to being with someone "normal" again.

 

Do I still think of this ex? Sure, when a song comes on or I go somewhere that I went with her. My thoughts about her now? I honestly feel sorry for her and her condition that she has to live with. What are my thoughts when I look back to my time with her? Honestly? Pain and suffering, stress, anxiety, tension, unhappiness. They say time makes you forget the bad and only remember the good in a failed relationship. Um, no.. that's not always the case. The OONNLLYY thing that I look back on w/her that was positive was the sex. It was rock star, epic, over the top, passionate and amazing. Still, it didn't outweigh all the other nightmares of being w/her.

 

My rambling point? Everyone will be fine post break up. Time, NC, no peaking at old pics, emails, texts and you'll get over it and forgive yourself for enduring the BS so long.

 

Funny side note. On FB, the site has suggested folks to friend and gives you multiple people as choices. A couple of weeks ago, the site suggested this guy. I'm like "who's this dude?" I click on his picture. It's this ex's new husband that she married a year after meeting him! Um, impulsive? lol.. There was a wedding picture. I looked at her in the picture and she looked great. It didn't bother me in the least seeing it. It immediately reminded me of all the hell she put me through. There she was smiling along her smiling husband. I thought about how perfect that was to see on FB, the site of illusions! You know, where everyone's life's are perfect and better than ours! I can only feel empathy for the guy knowing what she's putting him through.

Edited November 1, 2016 by aloneinaz

[Frozensushi]

I've said it before. When you're finally DONE with a relationship with someone who has such strong BDP traits, you're probably suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

I loved my Ex so much but to be in a relationship with someone who adamantly believed that I was always lying, always wrong, always judgmental, always disrespectful and always hurtful took its toll. Many times she had me convinced that I was this horrible monster, cruel by nature. After the idealization period wore off, it didn't matter what noble deeds I performed or how good I treated her, she never returned back to that wonderful girl I used to know.

 

I was always on the defense because at any moment she could turn. When she did, in came flooding those dreaded feelings of anxiety, fear, nausea, insomnia, desperation, and stress. It was all consuming. It devoured me in a shroud of darkness. It was awful and it inflicted some emotional damage. I'm so glad I no longer have to deal with these debilitating emotions on a weekly basis.

 

So ... yeah. PTSD had a firm grasp on me these last 2 months. The breakup nearly destroyed me. Looking back, I see now that just like you aloneinaz, the best part of it was the sex and her snuggling. In the end, amazing Sex can only take you so far. I also think I was addicted to the challenge of trying to get her back to how she was during the idealization period.

 

I also believe there is a correlation in that most males who endure and tolerate this abuse have some deep insecurities that make these folks so attractive to us.

 

This is something I realized myself and currently working on. It's important that I take care of these issues before attempting to open myself up to another human being like that again. One thing I know is if I meet another woman and it seems too good to be true, my guard is going up. If it turns out it is, then I'm gonna take my losses and split. Trying to be someone's savior and help them is a recipe for disaster.

 

I'm really glad I'm able to talk about this with others.

[PLT]

Yet again Sushi, I could have written much of that myself.

The always being convinced that you are lying, always being convinced that there is some big conspiracy to "blacken her name". Being convinced that it's YOU that is not doing enough, it is YOU that is undeserving.

 

Always being on the defensive because the smallest detail might erupt into 5 hours of abuse, (it always, always seemed to last for 4 to 5 hours, why is that?) name calling and outright distortion of the facts in order to "justify" the abuse. I lost count of the times i was told "because you deserve it", or "because you don't deserve it".

 

That you were addicted to "fixing" her, to get the old girl you fell in love with back. Man, thats powerful ****, and resonates with me massively. I think thats what I have been doing. Trying to get her to see how it is she that is stamping on the relationship, that if only she could approach things in a different way things would be so much better for both of us. Jumping to conclusions (always the wrong one) was her worst trait.

 

For example, I was at hers on a Saturday, told her I'd be going home on the Sunday morning as I had things to do. I ended up staying until around 5pm, and on the way home saw that it was a clear night. When I got home, it was already too late to do what I had planned to do, so I texted my son to see if he fancied coming out with my telescope, which we did.

 

Her reaction to all this? "Thats the real reason you went home early then? Why can't you just be honest about it? Youre so full of ****, I deserve better" and so on and so on.

 

1. No, if I had preplanned the trip out with scope I would have said. No reason not to. (Actually there is, because then it would have been "You dont put enough effort into ME" but I was always honest, regardless of the consequences)

2. I stayed for roughly 6 or 7 hours longer than I said I was going to.

 

This is what she dumped me over in August. I dont even know by that point how many times she had dumped me. I lost count.

 

 

Earlier today I found myself thinking about whether I should send her an Xmas card. What the hell am I thinking?

Edited November 1, 2016 by PLT

[Frozensushi]

Her reaction to all this? "Thats the real reason you went home early then? Why can't you just be honest about it? Youre so full of ****, I deserve better" and so on and so on.

 

This is what she dumped me over in August. I dont even know by that point how many times she had dumped me. I lost count.

 

Yeah, my ExGF dumped me over something trivial like that once. My Ex would drill me about my daily timelines, people I was with, things I did. She was always looking to find a discrepancy in the "facts" I told her, so she could catch me in a lie to either start a fight or most likely break up with me. God forbid I let some small detail slip my mind and she found out about it later. Always getting accused of this or that really took its toll. So much drama ALL THE TIME.

 

I was in a perpetual state of "WTF?" dating my Ex. I too lost count how many times my Ex broke up with me. I'm so glad it's finally over.