Why is it so difficult to get over an abusive borderline tendency relationship?

[TexasGuy12]

This thread and most of these posts resonate with me in such a way that I am sitting here with tears in my eyes.

 

I always knew, deep down, that there was something inherently wrong with our relationship.Even in the beginning, the odd things she'd say that i'd brush off. the irrational jealousy, the complete inability to resolve and forgive, the complete inability to take responsibility for her part.

 

The break up/make up cycle started about a year ago. Along with this came more and more frequent rage episodes, often over incredibly trivial things. She started using the phrases "replace" and "other man" on a VERY regular basis. She started making the most ridiculous accusations. She started doing things that looking back I see as utterly disgraceful behaviour. She "ghosted" me in February this year, for 3 months. Didn't tell me it was over, didn't respond to my pleas to speak to me (yet I know she read them).

 

After 3 months she got back in contact, and we spent another 3 months together. To start with everything was fine, but very quickly the same old behaviours reared up. It started to seem as though each time things escalated a little more, until it got to where I genuinely thought she was about to hit me.

 

She dumped me again in late August, over another false and frankly ludicrous accusation. A month ago I again tried reaching out to her. Things were cordial for a week or so and then another baseless accusation arose, things got argumentative, and she told me to not contact her again, from nowhere.

 

I responded just asking what on earth had made her attitude change so quickly when I had done nothing to warrant such an attitude.

 

3 days later I had a call from police saying they had received a complaint from her of harassment, and not to contact her again or I could be arrested.

 

This, like I say was 3 weeks ago, but it feels so much longer. I'm not a complete mess, like I was when she ghosted me, but I miss her. Why the hell do I miss this woman who was so incredibly horrible to me, especially over the past year to 18 months. I keep hoping that she will contact me, while at the same time knowing that she wont, (her view is that men should do all the chasing and peacemaking, even if it isn't the man in the wrong) and in many ways hoping that she won't, as I don't feel that I'm strong enough yet to give her short shrift.

 

She is toxic, but at the same time intoxicating, and it is driving me crazy. I have not contacted her in these past 3 weeks.

 

We are both in our 40s, were together for 3 years (or 4 if you count all the break up/make up cycles), she has not been diagnosed with any personality disorder, but as said above, if strangers on an internet forum write things that you could have written yourself, you take note.

 

On the plus side, I am going out for lunch with a local single socialisers meetup group in a couple of hours for the first time. I'm actually very nervous about it, and it is way out of my comfort zone, but I feel so isolated at the moment that I simply HAVE to get out and meet some people.

 

Hey man. I read your post and I just had to chime in. I've been dealing with my current breakup with a very, very severe BPDer (I had no idea what BPD was at the time but this forum has helped me more than I could ever express).

 

First off, know that many on here, including myself, totally understand what you're going through. And also know that, unfortunately, it will be very hard for any of your friends, family, etc to understand if they were never in this kind of a relationship.

 

So you're definitely not alone, and you should come back here as often as you need to. We'll all be here for you!

 

As to your question of why you miss her after she's F'd up your life so badly and treated you like she has? It's because you're normal! And when normal people are treated the way that a BPDer treats their partner during their loving, idealizatoin, mirroring stage, it is love unlike any love we've ever experienced. And Downtown has helped me to understand that they are capable of loving, so it wasn't fake, it's just a misguided type of love. The kind of love that you get from a puppy after you give them a treat or a baby when you give them a toy.

 

So people like us who are normal, logical guys remember the way she made us feel when we were the most important person in the world. When we were the white knight, her perfect person. When she would do anything for us, emotionally, sexually, whatever.

 

That makes us fall in love with her...and then as Frozen alluded to, getting so close to us and seeing US fall in love with her then triggers her and it goes on and on in an endless loop. Getting close scares her and pushing us away scares her.

 

In my case, I didn't understand what she was doing and why she was pushing me away, so I kept confronting her about it and why she kept acting like she did (again, I didn't know she had a very severe disorder) and I think eventually, she got so stressed out from me being stressed out that she said enough is enough. These people do not realize that they are sick. They don't understand it because they've been doing it for so long it's a part of who they are. Kind of like an alcoholic doesn't understand that they aren't just thirsty - that they really do have a severe addiction.

 

Sorry to get off track a bit but just really want you to know that you're not alone and that what you're feeling is normal. I know it can be awful. Logical me now knows and understands all of this, but I'll admit there are times where I wonder if the honeymoon period with her new guy will last forever. But it won't, and it wouldn't last with me if she got back together with me either. These people need help and until they get that help, being in a relationship with them will do nothing but tear up our lives.

 

That said, we're normal, so we can't cut off those feelings. So it's okay to care and miss her and love her to an extent. Just understand that we're better off without them.

[aloneinaz]

PLT, understand you can't rationalize these folks behaviors. Their actions and behaviors make no sense to us. Once their idolization phase is over, hold on dearly for life. They simply can't change and as Downtown has stated, they BELIEVE their irrational thoughts and their STRONG feelings.

 

Frozen, I read somewhere else that BPD gals are VERY sexual, sensual and affectionate during the first few months of the idolization phase. It's one of the things that we get addicted to. Our rational brains clearly see the red flags starting to appear after the first few months with them but the sex overrides our rational thoughts of "hey, something's not right with this gal".

 

I think that's why it's so hard to get away from relationships with these toxic, dysfunctional and unhealthy people is it's so VERY similar to breaking a strong addiction. When it ends the withdrawals are so intense along with the PTSD symptoms and you can see why we've all went back far too many times before finally breaking free.

[aloneinaz]

 

That said, we're normal, so we can't cut off those feelings. So it's okay to care and miss her and love her to an extent. Just understand that we're better off without them.

 

Good post Texas guy and this quote is the truth. In most cases, the BPD did the dumping for the final time when we finally grabbed our heads and pulled them out of our rear ends by not chasing and going back to them. Thus, on some level we didn't REALLY want the relationship to end but rather, we just wanted them to go back to the idolization stage personality that we fell in love with. It just takes us too long to recognize that it won't happen with them.

[Frozensushi]

I experienced the push and pull so often it really made me question my own sanity at times. At one point I was convinced my Ex was doing it for the awesome makeup sex we had. Heck, I started becoming addicted to the makeup lovin too. Crazy right?? It wasn't that, though. My very presence would trigger her fears.

 

Here's a watered down version of my relationship with my Ex.

 

I get close to her --> She starts feeling suffocated --> creates argument out of thin air --> needs space/breakup --> I back away give her space --> she pulls me back in --> Repeat

 

Over and over and over and over. I kept going back for more like a moth to a flame.

 

They stab us and act like they're the ones bleeding. Screw that. DONE!

[Sweetfish]

I [28M] left my ex girlfriend [23F] of 2.5 years a little over two months ago due to about a gazillion red flags, and a lot of suppprt from this site and family/friends. As sweet and loving as she could be, the flip side of that coin was a terribly insecure rage monster. In the end I broke up with her after she began facebook messaging another guy who she said was "just a new friend". After multiple disrespectful actions, boundary crossing to the 10th degree and no sex for over a year, I bailed.

 

I have no doubt that I made the correct decision.

 

I learned about borderline personality disorder about halfway into the relationship. I thought "it makes sense now" as she had many traits. Most traits.

 

She did not cheat on me "to my knowledge" during our relationship. However, here's a small list of **** I was dumb enough to look over.

 

-Rage episodes -Flirting with other men -Giving her number to other men(to bring to church...)-Having friends that did hard drugs (she did not, my knowledge) -Breaking boundaries -Double Standards (she could talk, message, hangout, fb, ect with other men. But would become angry if I spoke of another woman) -Tell me how "hot" her roommates dates and guy friends were -Super controlling (angry when I'd have fun without her. Ex: skateboard, swim, hang with friends) -Hated all of my friends and most family

 

 

There's more, way more.

 

My question is, why was it so hard to leave and why do I still think about her and miss her. She was terrible! But I miss her. Don't get me wrong, I don't want her back in my life. I'm not trying to idolize the good times either.

 

We're talking about a girl who had become brainwashed by Evangelist folk and went off of the rails with religion. Faith healing, anti vaxx, conspiracy theories, evemtually binge drinking, left a movie as she said "I thin a demon is on me", ect.

I guess I'm just deprograming from the horrid situation I was in. She doesn't believe in going to medical doctors anymore. She goes to the chiropractic doc.

 

Sorry, I'm rambling at this point. No contact since I left. But you get the idea.

 

Her friends did try to contact me a month ago. I didn't answer or respond.

 

Usually my days are really nice now. No real stress. But I get these moments of sadness over the loss.

And it sounds outrageous.

So why is leaving/moving on from a abusive/heavy borderline trait so difficult?

 

Thanks everyone!

 

Because you are 50% of the problem

[salparadise]

When we're insecure, we become addicted to abuse. It 'scratches the itch,' of past unresolved issues.

 

I also believe there is a correlation in that most males who endure and tolerate this abuse have some deep insecurities that make these folks so attractive to us.

 

This is something I realized myself and currently working on. It's important that I take care of these issues before attempting to open myself up to another human being like that again. One thing I know is if I meet another woman and it seems too good to be true, my guard is going up. If it turns out it is, then I'm gonna take my losses and split. Trying to be someone's savior and help them is a recipe for disaster.

 

 

There is an elusive element that we can't quite articulate. I think it's true that only those of us who've experienced it, and perhaps a few highly insightful psychologists, actually get it. Things resonate yet don't align, and it's the discordant half of that dichotomy that keeps us flummoxed.

 

There is an aspect of distorted reality that we agree to as a condition of getting a bit of the reciprocity we need. We go from being idolized one minute to inexplicably devalued the next, and we're thinking WTF, how did I go from savior to villain in the pink of an eye. It messes with perceptions that we've come to rely on for homeostasis. We make necessary adjustments and become optimized to the distortions rather than reality as we knew it before.

 

I think we need to be needed, we see that they have a void that we can fill and accept the challenge of plugging the hole in the dike. We reason that making that sacrifice will bring eternal gratitude and loyalty (which works for awhile), only to figure out later that the hole in the dike isn't the problem––we are the problem because she believes that if we didn't have our finger in it, the phukking hole wouldn't exist. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't, and there you stand with no appreciation whatsoever for your sacrifice.

 

Anyway.... a few random thoughts before I go have a nice morning walk with my extremely sane and well-balanced girlfriend who mostly gets it.

[Frozensushi]

I think we need to be needed, we see that they have a void that we can fill and accept the challenge of plugging the hole in the dike. We reason that making that sacrifice will bring eternal gratitude and loyalty (which works for awhile), only to figure out later that the hole in the dike isn't the problem––we are the problem because she believes that if we didn't have our finger in it, the phukking hole wouldn't exist. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't, and there you stand with no appreciation whatsoever for your sacrifice.

 

Great post salparadise!! This was the biggest issue I dealt with through the detachment period. I didn't understand how my Ex couldn't see how hard I had tried and the sacrifices I made. No, she believed that she was the one who made all the sacrifices and did everything SHE could to save the relationship. I know this because she told me that to my face as she tossed me into the dumpster.

 

My Ex definitely thought I was the problem and that if it weren't for me there'd be no problem. I became the source of all her shame and troubles in life, even though I was trying to help her. My efforts to help her in life was the final straw for her. Little did I know that I was just triggering shame left and right. She didn't want my help, just my sympathy.

 

Downtown explained that WE become their biggest trigger, a living embodiment of their terrible failure to love and be loved. Her inability to trust me on every level should have been my cue to exit the relationship. Of course, like the rest of us, I thought I could change for her so she'd love and trust me again like she did in the beginning. Oh, was I in for a big surprise.

 

The whole relationship was one big contradiction to how a normal, healthy relationship was supposed to be. If you are new to this forum and ANY of this sounds familiar, I implore you to make a difficult decision and remove yourself from their life. NOTHING you do will help. Staying will only exacerbate your pain in the end. I'm sorry, but they can't be helped by you.

[aloneinaz]

I experienced the push and pull so often it really made me question my own sanity at times. At one point I was convinced my Ex was doing it for the awesome makeup sex we had. Heck, I started becoming addicted to the makeup lovin too. Crazy right?? It wasn't that, though. My very presence would trigger her fears.

 

Here's a watered down version of my relationship with my Ex.

 

I get close to her --> She starts feeling suffocated --> creates argument out of thin air --> needs space/breakup --> I back away give her space --> she pulls me back in --> Repeat

 

Over and over and over and over. I kept going back for more like a moth to a flame.

 

They stab us and act like they're the ones bleeding. Screw that. DONE!

 

 

This is simply so scary and yet so familiar. I couldn't of wrote my experiences with my ex BPD gal any better. SAME... EXACT... THING.. So many stupid arguments and fights out of nowhere when things were going well. So many stupid break ups, get back togethers..

 

The other poster hit the nail on the head. We were 50% of the problem. We chose to continue to ride that rollercoaster from hell too many times.

[fromheart]

When you're finally DONE with a relationship with someone who has such strong BDP traits, you're probably suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

 

YES. And it takes a while to process and heal from the experience. I had to deal with this treatment, plus the death of a parent.

 

BUT I recognize that I chose this treatment, that I could have walked away at any moment and say enough is enough. I chose a partner who was unfit for a relationship, blinded by her light and a potential that she wasn't living.

 

That's why I now say, we get what we tolerate.

Edited November 3, 2016 by fromheart

[Sweetfish]

This is simply so scary and yet so familiar. I couldn't of wrote my experiences with my ex BPD gal any better. SAME... EXACT... THING.. So many stupid arguments and fights out of nowhere when things were going well. So many stupid break ups, get back togethers..

 

The other poster hit the nail on the head. We were 50% of the problem. We chose to continue to ride that rollercoaster from hell too many times.

 

One of my exes was a high functioning Avoidant BPD and didn't have a clue. I am a highly observant person and love psychology as a passion, but skimmed the BPD part because I saw it as non-challenging. HAHAHA booooy was I wrong.

 

Like any introvert, I observed and let her do most the talking. Suddenly, I was an a emotional dumpster for her. Simply, because most introverts are listeners and problem solvers. As the problems became more intimate, I started to become attracted to her. Suddenly, most of the problems were resolved or dissected.

 

We became close, we hanged out and laughed and made fun of each other..but I picked up little red flags on the way..

 

She looked to be the MOST innocent person I ever meet.

Helped strangers, people, and animals. She was an angel. If I were to to have that same machine like in that movie "weird science" and plugged in my ideal woman; she would probably have popped out.

 

She trapped me bad.. I mean real bad.

 

She told me things like i was "Dreamy"

Mind you I am a big BTTF fan so instantly I was bought and sold

 

When we kissed she would tear up from the intense emotional feelings.

 

When we hugged and said good bye after a date I would hold her hands and they would shake from being nervous. "why, are you trembling? You make me nervous (from the attraction)"

 

Other PPL noticed the attraction... People who didnt know us said, "we looked inseparable."

 

My brain was dumping Oxytocin by the gallons. I was in LOVE (LUST)

 

It was the best and worse relationship of my life. It made me see parts of me I never though were possible. I'll be honest.. I'm glad it happen, but I hope it will never happen again lol.

 

as the honeymoon period started to wear off... I started to question many things.

 

Her previous relationships.

Inconsistencies.

Odd behavior.

Rage, anger, pushing and pulling.

FB post that didn't match the personality of who I was dating.

Jealously.. raging jealousy

 

Finally, we broke-up and BPD. I can spot that $#@& a mile away now LMAO.

 

 

One thing I learned... is she tapped into all my insecurities.. with the mirroring and idealization. Her love was sooo great that I was not insecure about anything and in return I put her on a pedestal. This triggered her fear of abandonment and push me away. Me fearing to confront my insecurities if i lose her, pulled me right back in. It was an endless cycle.

 

Meaning for me to stay in something this toxic.. ment I had deep root problems as well.

[DarrenB]

One of my exes was a high functioning Avoidant BPD and didn't have a clue. I am a highly observant person and love psychology as a passion, but skimmed the BPD part because I saw it as non-challenging. HAHAHA booooy was I wrong.

 

Like any introvert, I observed and let her do most the talking. Suddenly, I was an a emotional dumpster for her. Simply, because most introverts are listeners and problem solvers. As the problems became more intimate, I started to become attracted to her. Suddenly, most of the problems were resolved or dissected.

 

We became close, we hanged out and laughed and made fun of each other..but I picked up little red flags on the way..

 

She looked to be the MOST innocent person I ever meet.

Helped strangers, people, and animals. She was an angel. If I were to to have that same machine like in that movie "weird science" and plugged in my ideal woman; she would probably have popped out.

 

She trapped me bad.. I mean real bad.

 

She told me things like i was "Dreamy"

Mind you I am a big BTTF fan so instantly I was bought and sold

 

When we kissed she would tear up from the intense emotional feelings.

 

When we hugged and said good bye after a date I would hold her hands and they would shake from being nervous. "why, are you trembling? You make me nervous (from the attraction)"

 

Other PPL noticed the attraction... People who didnt know us said, "we looked inseparable."

 

My brain was dumping Oxytocin by the gallons. I was in LOVE (LUST)

 

It was the best and worse relationship of my life. It made me see parts of me I never though were possible. I'll be honest.. I'm glad it happen, but I hope it will never happen again lol.

 

as the honeymoon period started to wear off... I started to question many things.

 

Her previous relationships.

Inconsistencies.

Odd behavior.

Rage, anger, pushing and pulling.

FB post that didn't match the personality of who I was dating.

Jealously.. raging jealousy

 

Finally, we broke-up and BPD. I can spot that $#@& a mile away now LMAO.

 

 

One thing I learned... is she tapped into all my insecurities.. with the mirroring and idealization. Her love was sooo great that I was not insecure about anything and in return I put her on a pedestal. This triggered her fear of abandonment and push me away. Me fearing to confront my insecurities if i lose her, pulled me right back in. It was an endless cycle.

 

Meaning for me to stay in something this toxic.. ment I had deep root problems as well.

 

Daaaaaaaaaaamn, relatable. I completely agree.

[consultmoi]

I had a similar experience recently from an ex where she idolised me for 2 years and as soon as I committed to the relationship we had a whirlwind 3 months and the more committed I was the further away she went and emotionally detached herself from me and started talking to her ex

 

She ended up discarding me and going back to her ex only to message me after 2 weeks since discarding me telling me she isn't happy and that she is sad and loves and cares for me but FOR NOW it is the best for both of us

 

How is her banging her ex and dumping me best for me ? She blames me for the breakup ! It was then I researched BPD as she has alot of strong behaviours in this disorder, she said she was in a psychiatric ward two years earlier for depression, now I think different

 

Obviously I went full NC (unlike her ex) as I WILL NOT be drawn into a toxic relationship or form part of a triangulation pattern

 

I wish you well you sound like a really good person

[Herbalist]

I met the full criteria for BPD when I was late teens / early twenties. I've had plenty of therapy since then and have mellowed out and stabilized considerably over the past 5 or so years. (DBT for real people, it's a miracle)

 

But I still remember pretty vividly what it was like to deal with "splitting" issues, even though the memories have a surreal feel to them for me now.

 

The splitting mechanism begins to develop very early in life, like when the person is a young toddler, as the result of inconsistent abusive treatment from a primary caregiver. When the very young child is supposed to be going through developmental stages of forming a whole, comprehensive perception of the caregiver (which is to be the foundation for how they learn to perceive people in general), instead the very young child will develop the splitting mechanism as a means of psychological survival. Instead of forming one, whole picture, the brain splits the caregiver into two different people, for example the "good mother" and the "bad mother".

 

This allows the very young child to attempt to bond with the "good mother" while coming up with ways to try to defend itself from the "bad mother". The more in depth reason this happens is because a small child instinctively understands that it needs a caregiver in order to survive. Running away (flight) or killing (fight) the caregiver would thus result in the child's death. So that is why the brain desperately resorts to "splitting" instead. This keeps the child from fleeing or fighting, so that it can still have a caregiver and survive.

 

Unfortunately this mechanism will become deeply embedded, subconscious and automated so that by the time the person is an adult (and because this was their foundation in human relations during key developmental years), they will "split" nearly everyone they attempt to form a bond with.

 

So let's say it's a BPD woman and you are her boyfriend. Unknown to you going into the relationship, her brain actually perceives you as two different people, the "good boyfriend" and the "bad boyfriend" instead of one, whole person with good parts and flaws and such like everyone else. When her brain believes the "good boyfriend" is present, she will likely treat you as though you are perfect, the most amazing human to ever exist in the world, because that is how her brain perceives you. When her brain detects the "bad boyfriend" then she will likely treat you like garbage because that is how she perceives you, like you are some total piece of garbage of a person, evil and so on.

 

This causes trauma bonding. If you google "trauma bonding" you will get lots of hits that explain what it is, how it happens and what it can feel like. There are also a lot of resources about the unique challenges of recovering from trauma bonding and tips on how to overcome them.

 

One of the biggest things is understanding that having empathy =/= accepting abuse. You can understand how someone with BPD works internally, how it's not their fault they wound up that way and that they suffer too and so on. You can be an empathetic person but that does NOT mean you should tolerate abuse. In fact, tolerating abuse is not only bad for you (duh) but it is also bad for people with BPD, because without consequences people with BPD might never realize they have a problem and might never be motivated to change. So true empathy flows everywhere and is good for everyone, good for you and also doesn't tolerate dysfunctions in others, either.

 

This is VERY important to remind yourself of as often as needed, because people with BPD often project their emotional wounds (google "projection") and may distort your perceptions of what empathy is (i.e. if I really cared about her, then I would not hold her accountable for her behavior because she can't help it). But that is FALSE. First you must care for yourself, and then that will help open your eyes to what actual empathy, love and respect are.

[PLT]

Just nipped in to talk myself out of breaking NC. 4 weeks, 2 days in.

 

Herbalist, thank you. Reading that helps me to understand potentially why my ex had what were 2 distinct sides to her, in the way that her attitude kept changing towards me, from one extreme to the other and back again. Often all within less than a day, sometimes for weeks or months at a time. One minute I was her soulmate, the next I was complete garbage and not worthy of her time or energy. It messed my head up so badly.

 

She is not diagnosed but displays all the BPD traits that I have seen. A huge part of getting over her, for me, is at least trying to understand why she did the things she did and said the things she said.

 

I HAVE to break the cycle.

[Frozensushi]

I met the full criteria for BPD when I was late teens / early twenties. I've had plenty of therapy since then and have mellowed out and stabilized considerably over the past 5 or so years. (DBT for real people, it's a miracle).

 

Thank you for sharing this with us. After going through what I did it's interesting to hear from people who have struggled with the condition. The "splitting" I went through really messed me up emotionally. I think it's because I wanted so much for the relationship to last I just wouldn't allow myself to come to terms with the way she treated me. Anytime I would confront my Ex about the things she did that were hurtful to me, it was completely lost on her, as she saw herself as this wonderful and kind person, there's no way she could have ever treated me poorly. So after so many failed attempts to get through to her, I just tolerated the abuse which slowly caused me to become a person I didn't like.

 

Just nipped in to talk myself out of breaking NC. 4 weeks, 2 days in.

 

I HAVE to break the cycle.

 

It does get easier PLT. I'm over two months NC. Yes, my Ex still enters my thoughts throughout the day. Anytime I see her face or think about the "Good times" I try my best to redirect those thoughts somewhere else.

 

I've been where you're at. You just have to keep reminding yourself that even though it might be great in the beginning, the result will always be the same. I went back so many times determined to never let it happen again. It became a cross to bear. Walking on perpetual eggshells is no way to live. Just stay strong, you can do it!

[PLT]

You know what really grates on me?

She actually used to find ways of having a go at me when i did something nice!

 

She'd use ohrases like "You make the effort when it suits you!"as though I should be buying gifts, cooking, taking her to the flicks, whatever, EVERY time I saw her. It wasn't that she was any sort of gold digger. She knew full well for the whole 4 years that I am far from wealthy. It was just another way of sticking the knife in, of putting me on the defensive so she could then say "why are you so defensive!"

 

It annoys me no end that for the past year or so, I had been putting in more and more effort into the relationship, and she put in less and less. She hasnt even been to my place (we live 35 miles apart, about an hours drive) since January. It ended up I was going to hers twice a week, sometimes 3 times. And then she has the gall to tell me I'm not making enough effort, or patronisingly patting me on the head (metaphorically speaking) when I was busting a gut to make HER happy. "Oh look. You can be a good boy if I stamp my feet enough" was the sort of attitude I got.

 

The other thing that really grates is the last year of our relationship was played out in public. "My friend thinks this, my mum thinks that" about all sorts of intimate details. I have no problem with talking to people about our issues or whatever, but it was like "so and so thinks you're complacent, so regardless of what you say, you are complacent". For the record what she calls complacent, I called secure in the relationship. It was like she lives her life through the eyes of others. One of her friends told her "Its not about what otgers think, its about you 2 being happy together". That friend is no longer regarded as a friend by the way she spoke about this person afterwards.

 

There was this constant drip drip drip of essentially her NEVER being satisfied, no matter what I did or didn't do. I didn't buy flowers often enough, I bought flowers too often, We didn't have enough sex, turned to I only wanted her for sex. I was always in a lose-lose position.

 

And now I feel I'm in the lose-lose position again. I've thought about dating but I can't even imagine myself with anyone else, my trust in others is at rock bottom, no one looks attractive to me. I go through the motions each day, telling myself "Fake it till you make it". And it's working to a degree, I mean I can at least function.

 

She is still my first thought in the mornings and my last thought at night, and I want it to stop. It's breaking me.

 

Sorry for the long rant.

[Frozensushi]

It annoys me no end that for the past year or so, I had been putting in more and more effort into the relationship, and she put in less and less.

 

Same stuff happened to me bud. It's because we are the "caregivers". We go out of our way to make them happy, to put their needs always before our own. We have weak personal boundries, as do the BPDers. So they make unrealistic demands on us. Much of what you said is so similar to my story.

 

One day I was just so tired and frustrated, I told my ex "Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!!". With an emotionless look on her face, as she walked away said; "You're not the first who's told me that".

 

My Ex never paid for anything. The most she'd pay for would be coffee. I bought her Flowers, dinner, gas, groceries, gifts for her and her kid, things for her apartment etc. I was happy to spend money on her, but I felt a huge lack of appreciation. It's like she just expected it. One time I gave her $20 to get me some food, but we had a fight before that and I didn't see her for 4 days. When we got back together, I jokingly asked if she had my $20. She didn't say anything, just gave me a look that could kill.

 

Here's how my Ex's mind worked. She's an artist and for Christmas made a painting that 'signified our love'. She framed it and gave it to me with one caveat "I'm glad you love it, but if we ever break up, I want it back". I mean how messed up is that? You give someone a gift and they tell you that? Oh yeah, she has it hanging in her apartment as I type this.

 

I always went to her place, she spent the night once at mine. I ALWAYS made the effort to see her. She never tried to get a babysitter, so dates were nonexistent. Her kid was always part of our time together. Never did anything to show me that she cared. But of course, in her mind, she was the one making ALL the effort. It's the distortion of the truth Downtown talks about. Because BPDers can't face reality as it will bring them too much shame which they avoid like the plague.

 

It’s virtually impossible to build a positive, healthy, supportive relationship with someone who will disregard your boundaries, especially when they can't even recognize when they’re walking all over you.

 

You do have to fake it till you make it. Trust me, you will meet someone else, and I'm telling you now when that certain woman comes along, it's going to make your Ex a distant memory. You are going to forget all about her and when you do think about her, it will be all the BS she put you through. I know you are mad, but I think you are angry at yourself for allowing her to treat you like a doormat. WE HAVE ALL BEEN IN YOUR SHOES!! I still feel like an idiot for doing SO MANY nice things for a woman who never appreciated it. Who treated me like garbage and acted like I was the one who should apologize.

 

It sucks, you miss her, think about her all the time, dream about her etc. I am going through the same thing. It's been over 2 months and my Ex is slowly starting to fade. THANK YOU NC!!! Just keep strong. Go to the GYM, get on some dating sites, talk to some cute girls. Start rebuilding your self-confidence and self-respect back up. It's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.

[aloneinaz]

Seriously, we should really throw the "labeling" out the window. We've all posted our experiences with these folks. It doesn't matter what label we throw at our ex. The bottom line is we simply ignored glaring, blinking and yelling red flags!

 

Every time I read someone else's experiences, it hits home. I can vividly recall in the first couple of months some MAJOR red flags appearing. But again, they were overlooked due to all the positive reasons we got hooked to them.

 

Again, I simply want to hit my hand with a hammer at my stupidity in not stopping my relationship early in when the crack in her facade started opening. I'm sure we all saw this in the first 2-5 months. We should of ran the other direction like Forrest Gump! "Cuz I was running".. lol

 

I think this is why I don't harbour any anger or resentment towards my BPD ex. She simply couldn't help her behavior and she suffers from not only it but depression and anxiety as well. The other reason I don't harbour anger? BECAUSE I CHOSE to stay with her damn well knowing she wasn't hitting on 8 cylinders! Kind of like a smoker who knows the cause cancer yet is SHOCKED when they get diagnosed..

 

Stay NC w/them after break up. Time passing will make you feel better the fastest. When you're ready, start dating again. Everyone will be fine.

[DeepVibeZ]

I didn't even fall for my ex BPD waif, didn't live with her, yet the B/U was my worst experience of my life. An utter mind **** of F.O.G and possible PTSD.

Even after the conscious healing phase, knowing I'd dodged a forthcoming RPG, she still haunts my dreams every night, making me feel awful the next day as a consequence.

It's tough man, really tough, but a huge learning curve.

[ahall1701]

Same stuff happened to me bud. It's because we are the "caregivers". We go out of our way to make them happy, to put their needs always before our own. We have weak personal boundries, as do the BPDers. So they make unrealistic demands on us. Much of what you said is so similar to my story.

 

One day I was just so tired and frustrated, I told my ex "Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!!". With an emotionless look on her face, as she walked away said; "You're not the first who's told me that".

 

My Ex never paid for anything. The most she'd pay for would be coffee. I bought her Flowers, dinner, gas, groceries, gifts for her and her kid, things for her apartment etc. I was happy to spend money on her, but I felt a huge lack of appreciation. It's like she just expected it. One time I gave her $20 to get me some food, but we had a fight before that and I didn't see her for 4 days. When we got back together, I jokingly asked if she had my $20. She didn't say anything, just gave me a look that could kill.

 

Here's how my Ex's mind worked. She's an artist and for Christmas made a painting that 'signified our love'. She framed it and gave it to me with one caveat "I'm glad you love it, but if we ever break up, I want it back". I mean how messed up is that? You give someone a gift and they tell you that? Oh yeah, she has it hanging in her apartment as I type this.

 

I always went to her place, she spent the night once at mine. I ALWAYS made the effort to see her. She never tried to get a babysitter, so dates were nonexistent. Her kid was always part of our time together. Never did anything to show me that she cared. But of course, in her mind, she was the one making ALL the effort. It's the distortion of the truth Downtown talks about. Because BPDers can't face reality as it will bring them too much shame which they avoid like the plague.

 

It’s virtually impossible to build a positive, healthy, supportive relationship with someone who will disregard your boundaries, especially when they can't even recognize when they’re walking all over you.

 

You do have to fake it till you make it. Trust me, you will meet someone else, and I'm telling you now when that certain woman comes along, it's going to make your Ex a distant memory. You are going to forget all about her and when you do think about her, it will be all the BS she put you through. I know you are mad, but I think you are angry at yourself for allowing her to treat you like a doormat. WE HAVE ALL BEEN IN YOUR SHOES!! I still feel like an idiot for doing SO MANY nice things for a woman who never appreciated it. Who treated me like garbage and acted like I was the one who should apologize.

 

It sucks, you miss her, think about her all the time, dream about her etc. I am going through the same thing. It's been over 2 months and my Ex is slowly starting to fade. THANK YOU NC!!! Just keep strong. Go to the GYM, get on some dating sites, talk to some cute girls. Start rebuilding your self-confidence and self-respect back up. It's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.

 

 

PLT, this is a great read. Listen to this! No Contact is AMAZING. especially after several months. The people here on LS know their stuff. I've been where you are. We all have. It takes time, not as much as you think! Soon enough with no contact she will fade and you'll start filling that hole in your life with someone far more important to focus on, yourself. Sounds cheesy but it's soooooooooooo true!!! I think about her 2.5 months out. But it's not any sort of anguish like I had at a different time. My life has gotten SO MUCH BETTER! Plus, I don't have to worry and stress about HER. It's fantastic. It really is. I used to have so much stress that I would feel exhausted and completely worn down. Not knowing if I could trust her, experiencing walking on egg shells and her blind rage was NOT WORTH IT.

 

You know, one of the things that caused me to leave her was when I took my 17 - year-old brother to a pool with my parents. She was working and it was a super last minute idea. I told my ex that I was going swimming with my brother. Simple, right? No.

 

Right before she got off work we left the pool and I called her. I told her that my family and I had just finished swimming and that I was going to go to her place.

 

She thought my brother and I were at my apartment pool. In reality we were at a pool park with a wave pool about 20 mins away. Upon hearing that I went with my parents also she had a complete meltdown rage episode over the fact that I didn't tell her I went to a different pool.

 

In her mind I had neglected from telling her I went to the wave pool and purposely didn't tell her. I sent a simple text. "Going swimming with brother, c u after work :)"

 

She raged, called me a lier, told me I had planned this with family on purpose without her when in fact, it was last minute, while she was at work and we finished before she was off work by about 20 mins.

 

She raged for so long over the phone I went to my brothers home and relaxed. Told her where I was, what I was doing and even invited her. Then I stopped talking to her. I backed off. She then called nearly 20 times. Sent a ton of texts and even went to my apartment at 1 a.m. (all while knowing I was at older brothers house, grilling food.)

 

 

 

Because I went swimming when she was at work...

 

I don't miss those days.

 

 

AND NEITHER WILL YOU, PLT

[PLT]

PLT, this is a great read. Listen to this! No Contact is AMAZING. especially after several months. The people here on LS know their stuff. I've been where you are. We all have. It takes time, not as much as you think! Soon enough with no contact she will fade and you'll start filling that hole in your life with someone far more important to focus on, yourself. Sounds cheesy but it's soooooooooooo true!!! I think about her 2.5 months out. But it's not any sort of anguish like I had at a different time. My life has gotten SO MUCH BETTER! Plus, I don't have to worry and stress about HER. It's fantastic. It really is. I used to have so much stress that I would feel exhausted and completely worn down. Not knowing if I could trust her, experiencing walking on egg shells and her blind rage was NOT WORTH IT.

 

You know, one of the things that caused me to leave her was when I took my 17 - year-old brother to a pool with my parents. She was working and it was a super last minute idea. I told my ex that I was going swimming with my brother. Simple, right? No.

 

Right before she got off work we left the pool and I called her. I told her that my family and I had just finished swimming and that I was going to go to her place.

 

She thought my brother and I were at my apartment pool. In reality we were at a pool park with a wave pool about 20 mins away. Upon hearing that I went with my parents also she had a complete meltdown rage episode over the fact that I didn't tell her I went to a different pool.

 

In her mind I had neglected from telling her I went to the wave pool and purposely didn't tell her. I sent a simple text. "Going swimming with brother, c u after work :)"

 

She raged, called me a lier, told me I had planned this with family on purpose without her when in fact, it was last minute, while she was at work and we finished before she was off work by about 20 mins.

 

She raged for so long over the phone I went to my brothers home and relaxed. Told her where I was, what I was doing and even invited her. Then I stopped talking to her. I backed off. She then called nearly 20 times. Sent a ton of texts and even went to my apartment at 1 a.m. (all while knowing I was at older brothers house, grilling food.)

 

 

 

Because I went swimming when she was at work...

 

I don't miss those days.

 

 

AND NEITHER WILL YOU, PLT

 

 

Your swimming incident sounds so, so like my telescope incident. I was also called a liar, and told that I had preplanned it. (I still think, so what if it was preplanned? I'm going out with my adult son with my geek telescope to look at dots and smudges in the sky).

 

I met up with someone I knew from middle school around my birthday (about 2 weeks AFTER I was dumped). I hadn't seen this person for 30 odd years but there was a potential friendship there. Once there I found out that this "friend" wanted more and I backed out pretty quickly.

 

Roll on a month and me and the ex are exchanging a few texts. I decided to be candid and openly honest and told her I'd been getting unwanted attention from this friend.

 

Her reaction? "12 days and you are meeting up for sex. I cant believe I trusted you. You are full of crap. Don't contact me again"

 

I responded making it clear her conclusion was wrong (again), and yes I was angry because this sort of thing was ALWAYS happening, where what she decided I was doing, or thinking, didn't match the reality.

 

Next thing I know I'm getting a call from police.

 

Like I said, thankfully I am able to function, albeit on a pretty basic level. I'm a mature student and recently had my first 2nd year assignment back with a score of 90%. I just didn't get a great deal of joy from it. It feels empty. I feel empty. I am just going through the motions each day.

 

You know the film "The Mechanic" with Jason Statham in it? Well during the early days of our relationship she used to joke that she went to see it thinking it was going to be about a car mechanic and she is a wuss with films and it was gooey etc. I'd never seen the film.

 

Well in August, we went to see Jason Bourne. Up on the posters for coming soon was the Mechanic Refuelled or whatever its called. I joked that hey its your favourite film. She blew up in the cinema foyer. "Do you know what that film is about? Its about domestic abuse. You know what I've been through! How can you disrespect me so much? You don't give a damn about me, youve just proved that"

 

Again, I had never seen the film. I apologised, practically begged for her forgiveness.

 

Well, I watched it a week or two ago, mainly because I wanted to understand why it made her blow up the way she did and guess what......ZERO DOMESTIC ABUSE! Terrible film too.

 

That REALLY messes with my head? Who the **** does that? Blatently lies through their teeth in order to have a pop at their boyfriend in public. It just one more thing that I'll never have an answer to, because even if we were talking, she'd never admit to being at fault.

 

Despite how it might sound, we are not teenagers. I am 45 and she is 43.

 

There are so many other things that just don't add up. She claims she is OCD, and her kitchen is sparkling clean but her lounge has tons of clutter, sometimes to the point where you can barely see the floor. It's not dirty, but it is messy. I don't really know about OCD but to me this doesn't make sense.

 

What annoys me the most is that she holds everyone else to a different moral standard than she holds herself. If she does something, it's ok. If I do it, I'm a terrible person. In other words, every single thing she used to say that I did to "ruin" our relationship, She did exactly the same things, although when she did them, I was expected to just suck it up "like a man".

 

Over a year ago, I broke up with her via text. Wrong I know. I don't know what I was thinking. I quickly admitted it and apologised for it, but I feel like I've been paying for that mistake ever since. She gave me HELL for MONTHS over that. Multiple times a day I would hear "You dumped me by text! What sort of person does that? You dont deserve me". I apologised and apologised until I was blue in the face. I spent months trying to make it up to her.

 

Fast forward 13 months and guess what, she has, to date, dumped me 3 times BY TEXT (and once by ghosting) and sees nothing wrong with it.

 

I keep trying to get away from these thoughts and feelings. You know what I miss the most? Hugs. Holding hands. Cuddling. Her resting her head on my shoulder in cinema. We were very tactile, and I really miss that. I was never really a tactile person until I met her, so it's hard to imagine finding that sort of spark happening again.

 

So far I have resisted contacting her. Its not getting any easier though, I'm just pushing through day by day, but every day I wonder if shes even given me a second thought. Does she realise what she has thrown away? She has done all this to me and yet, I still love her. Theres no getting away from that, so my mindset at the moment is that I still love her, but I can't have her in my life.

[Downtown]

I was also called a liar, and told that I had preplanned it.... this sort of thing was ALWAYS happening, where what she decided I was doing, or thinking, didn't match the reality.

During the last two years of my marriage, my BPDer exW was convinced I was fabricating a new lie every week. Of course, she had absolutely no evidence it was true but nonetheless had such an intense feeling of being deceived that it MUST be true. If I ever challenged her to produce any evidence of my lying to her in the past week, she would refer to something she recalled me saying 14 or 15 years earlier -- so far back that neither of us could recall what had been said.

 

As you are painfully aware, PLT, the allegations coming out of a BPDer's mouth often are so outrageous and baseless that you will simply marvel at the fact that an adult can say such things while holding a straight face. If such claims were to come from any other adult, you would expect them to burst out laughing before completing the sentence.

 

That REALLY messes with my head? Who the **** does that? Blatantly lies through their teeth in order to have a pop at their boyfriend in public.

Narcissists and sociopaths are the ones who lie through their teeth. If your Ex is a BPDer, she probably wasn't lying. Because a BPDer has the emotional development of a four year old, her perception of reality is fully dictated by whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. You should not be too surprised, then, to see her believing the exact opposite a week later.

 

Granted, BPDers will sometimes tell lies. They typically only do it, however, when backed into a corner and it is the only way to avoid expressing shame. They are so filled with shame and self loathing that they generally try to avoid lying -- because, given that they know it is a lie, it exacerbates their painful feelings of shame and guilt.

 

Hence, with BPDers, the primitive ego defense that is heavily relied on is not lying but, rather, projection. The beauty of using projection as an ego defense is that it is entirely guilt free. Because projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, the BPDer is completely unaware it is occurring.

 

Instead, she is convinced -- at a conscious level -- that the painful feelings and bad thoughts are really coming from YOU. Hence, when a person has strong BPD traits, they usually have no need to lie about anything. The BPDer's subconscious works 24/7 protecting her fragile ego by preventing it from seeing too much of reality.

 

What annoys me the most is that she holds everyone else to a different moral standard than she holds herself. If she does something, it's ok. If I do it, I'm a terrible person.

It annoyed me too. As you know all too well, BPDers are notorious for having a double standard. And, over time, both of those standards will change, depending on how she feels that particular day. Not surprisingly, four year olds behave this way too.

 

She claims she is OCD, and her kitchen is sparkling clean but her lounge has tons of clutter.... I don't really know about OCD but to me this doesn't make sense.

The paradox of OCD is that the obsession can create compulsions that run counter to the obsession. Some folks with OCD are hoarders, for example, with the result that some rooms are filled with clutter. Other OCDers are obsessed with cleanliness but actually live in dirty rooms. E.g., see The OCD Slob. As I understand it, their obsession with decluttering or cleanliness sets many OCDers up to fail. Some of them are so extreme in their perfectionism that the compulsion to do it perfectly paralizes them, preventing them from acting in a successful way to achieve their obsessive goal.

 

The Mechanic Refuelled or whatever its called.... I watched it a week or two ago.... ZERO DOMESTIC ABUSE! Terrible film too.

It's called "Mechanic: Resurrection." Actually, there is terrible domestic abuse in it. A man is killed in his own home, LOL. Or, rather, on the sidewalk in front of his home. What happens is that he is swimming in his private pool, which has a glass bottom and is cantilevered off the side of his building about 30 floors above the street. When the Mechanic blows a hole in the bottom of the pool, this guy is sucked through the hole and falls to his death on the sidewalk below. Edited November 8, 2016 by Downtown

[PLT]

During the last two years of my marriage, my BPDer exW was convinced I was fabricating a new lie every week. Of course, she had absolutely no evidence it was true but nonetheless had such an intense feeling of being deceived that it MUST be true. If I ever challenged her to produce any evidence of my lying to her in the past week, she would refer to something she recalled me saying 14 or 15 years earlier -- so far back that neither of us could recall what had been said.

 

As you are painfully aware, PLT, the allegations coming out of a BPDer's mouth often are so outrageous and baseless that you will simply marvel at the fact that an adult can say such things while holding a straight face. If such claims were to come from any other adult, you would expect them to burst out laughing before completing the sentence.

 

Narcissists and sociopaths are the ones who lie through their teeth. If your Ex is a BPDer, she probably wasn't lying. Because a BPDer has the emotional development of a four year old, her perception of reality is fully dictated by whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. You should not be too surprised, then, to see her believing the exact opposite a week later.

 

Granted, BPDers will sometimes tell lies. They typically only do it, however, when backed into a corner and it is the only way to avoid expressing shame. They are so filled with shame and self loathing that they generally try to avoid lying -- because, given that they know it is a lie, it exacerbates their painful feelings of shame and guilt.

 

Hence, with BPDers, the primitive ego defense that is heavily relied on is not lying but, rather, projection. The beauty of using projection as an ego defense is that it is entirely guilt free. Because projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, the BPDer is completely unaware it is occurring.

 

Instead, she is convinced -- at a conscious level -- that the painful feelings and bad thoughts are really coming from YOU. Hence, when a person has strong BPD traits, they usually have no need to lie about anything. The BPDer's subconscious works 24/7 protecting her fragile ego by preventing it from seeing too much of reality.

 

It annoyed me too. As you know all too well, BPDers are notorious for having a double standard. And, over time, both of those standards will change, depending on how she feels that particular day. Not surprisingly, four year olds behave this way too.

 

The paradox of OCD is that the obsession can create compulsions that run counter to the obsession. Some folks with OCD are hoarders, for example, with the result that some rooms are filled with clutter. Other OCDers are obsessed with cleanliness but actually live in dirty rooms. E.g., see The OCD Slob. As I understand it, their obsession with decluttering or cleanliness sets many OCDers up to fail. Some of them are so extreme in their perfectionism that the compulsion to do it perfectly paralizes them, preventing them from acting in a successful way to achieve their obsessive goal.

 

It's called "Mechanic: Resurrection." Actually, there is terrible domestic abuse in it. A man is killed in his own home, LOL. Or, rather, on the sidewalk in front of his home. What happens is that he is swimming in his private pool, which has a glass bottom and is cantilevered off the side of his building about 30 floors above the street. When the Mechanic blows a hole in the bottom of the pool, this guy is sucked through the hole and falls to his death on the sidewalk below.

 

Thanks for the reply. As ever, you make perfect sense. I have no idea if my ex is BPD, a narc, or a sociapath, or none of the above. Many of the traits are displayed from all three conditions. I've just learnt that I will never understand why she says and does what she says and does. I maybe need to stop trying to understand, and just accept that she, regardless of any diagnosis, is abusive in the extreme. I might love her, care for her, want to be around her, be there for her, but I just cannot have her in my life or around my friends and family.

 

She does not seem to realise that "high maintenance" does not equal "high value". She sees it as a good thing that she is so unreasonably demanding of everyone but herself.

 

The mechanic thing, she specifically meant male violence towards their female partners. She said "its about domestic violence". It's not, it's about a mafia hitman killing other mafia types as i recall. I don't even recall seeing any women through the whole of the film, and the violence is all men v men. Maybe I was that bored it just passed me by. I mean its a god awful film that I never had any interest in watching other than to see what was so bad in this 15 rated film that made her fly off the handle like she did. 15 year old me probably would have loved it.

 

My point was that she joked about it for years, never mentioning domestic violence and just saying that she is a wuss when it comes to films. I made an off the cuff joke about it and she turned on me like a pitbull. Again double standards. Its fine for her to joke about anything she likes, but everyone else must walk on eggshells. Her friend once mentioned the film trainspotting. we started chatting about it, and she went off on one then too. The friend didnt get any ****, I got both barrels.

[ahall1701]

[quote=PLT;7118394

Over a year ago, I broke up with her via text. Wrong I know. I don't know what I was thinking. I quickly admitted it and apologised for it, but I feel like I've been paying for that mistake ever since. She gave me HELL for MONTHS over that. Multiple times a day I would hear "You dumped me by text! What sort of person does that? You dont deserve me". I apologised and apologised until I was blue in the face. I spent months trying to make it up to her.

 

Fast forward 13 months and guess what, she has, to date, dumped me 3 times BY TEXT (and once by ghosting) and sees nothing wrong with it.

 

I keep trying to get away from these thoughts and feelings. You know what I miss the most? Hugs. Holding hands. Cuddling. Her resting her head on my shoulder in cinema. We were very tactile, and I really miss that. I was never really a tactile person until I met her, so it's hard to imagine finding that sort of spark happening again.

 

So far I have resisted contacting her. Its not getting any easier though, I'm just pushing through day by day, but every day I wonder if shes even given me a second thought. Does she realise what she has thrown away? She has done all this to me and yet, I still love her. Theres no getting away from that, so my mindset at the moment is that I still love her, but I can't have her in my life.

 

 

Hey PLT, here's the thing. Breaking up by a text message is not a "terrible or cowardly thing to do" and it certainly isn't wrong. There are reasons where it is ok to break things off by a text. There are also situations where it is frowned on.

 

If your ex had been a nice and emotionally balanced individual who didn't have the development of a 4-year-old it would not have been a problem to do a face to face or even a phone break up. But she's not stable.

 

I did the same thing. I don't regret it. I broke up with her once before in person and she had a total meltdown. She went out to her car and began destroying the body and paint with her heavy boots. Then she started going at the windows with the heels! After that she vanished into the woods by my house. And a couple minutes later she began pounding my door, screaming and crying. Stupidity I opened my door and she pinned my back against the wall and began putting her fists in my chest saying "I hate you!!!" She then collapsed on the floor and began crying and yelling. Afraid of police involvement I brought her inside and tried to comfort her. Even though she was the one who was being WAY out of line.

 

I had absolutely no desire to repeat that event of over a year ago in a new apartment with new neighbors.

 

So after her ultra sketchy behavior and a buildup of insane beliefs I changed my locks, went to work and sent a long text and broke up with her. I explained how I was done with her flirting, rage and crazy friends and poor life choices. I received a text and some calls throughout the day. She was more upset about me leaving her via text. Saying she loved me and that she (sarcastically) was "sorry this has been so horrible for you, it wasnt for me". Not a peep since. I suspect a new guy she was messaging before I left her is keeping her busy.

 

PLT, you have to understand , if your ex was a decent and reasonable, well adjusted and adult human being, you would have done face to face (or you probably would have never had these issues to begin with!). Here's the kicker, she is NOT. Probably will NEVER be. And we can pitty her for that, as I do my ex.

 

Stop beating yourself up. Stop making excuses for her BAD behavior. Give it some time.

 

You know, in the last week I've been approached by 3 women. Now, I work in a hospital so I'm out numbered by single, attractive woman. I'm staying away from relationships until I'm completely past this. Not just for me but for any future relationship I hope to have. It's nice to know I have other options. And it's nice to re-realize that other people do like you and find you attractive, espically after dealing with my ex and her extreme jealousy. Helps with perspective. Being put through the gauntlet, I'm laying low. If anything, realize that there are BETTER women out there who don't have the problems your ex does. These woman are cute, kind, level headed and grown up. AMAZING what you'll find out there when you stop focusing on your terrible ex!

 

We're all rooting for you PLT!!!!!!!

Edited November 8, 2016 by ahall1701

[Frozensushi]

I keep trying to get away from these thoughts and feelings. You know what I miss the most? Hugs. Holding hands. Cuddling. Her resting her head on my shoulder in cinema. We were very tactile, and I really miss that. I was never really a tactile person until I met her, so it's hard to imagine finding that sort of spark happening again.

 

PLT, this is how they were able to keep us so long. It's like they instinctually know what pulls at our heart strings, what makes us love them. My Ex was the most amazing cuddler I've ever been with. My Ex used her expertise of passion and affection to draw me back again and again. Once she got her fill of me it was back to the dog house.

 

I'd go floating on cloud 9 to drowning in the dark abyss on the same day. It was a total mind screw. I believe this is why we come out of these relationships so broken and scarred. I too don't know if I'll find someone who can make me feel so 'whole' like that again. But on the flip side, I hope I never find someone who makes me feel so lost like that again.

 

Stop beating yourself up. Stop making excuses for her BAD behavior. Give it some time.

 

My friends and family ALWAYS said this exact same thing to me after my Ex and I had a big fight. Most people find it hard to believe we'd stay with someone who treated us so poorly. So, to protect our already non-existent self-respect, our doormat sensibilities kick in and we make excuses for their abuse to make ourselves feel better. Also, they believe so adamantly about what's coming out of their mouth that moment, they convince us of it. But deep down, in the dark recesses of our minds, we know the people who are outraged by what we've told them are right.

 

Because a BPDer has the emotional development of a four-year-old, her perception of reality is fully dictated by whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. You should not be too surprised, then, to see her believing the exact opposite a week later.

 

My Ex had a little four-year-old, and the way she was raising her was a major contentious issue between us. One night I told her, "You need to be her mother, not her friend". My Ex got so angry at me and yelled "WHAT?!?! She's my best friend and I don't care what you say!!!". That shocked me to hear a grown woman say that. There were moments I felt her 4-year-old daughter acted more mature than she did. Needless to say, their relationship was toxic.

 

So many red flags. So many. But we stay. We stay for those pockets of happiness. Those dinner scraps of love and affection they toss us now and again when we're not in the dog house. Is that joy? Is that Happiness? Is that what we deserve? Is that a normal, loving and fulfilling relationship?