Why is it so difficult to get over an abusive borderline tendency relationship?

[aloneinaz]

PLT, read what you're writing about this ex and then read it again daily. In a couple of months, you'll be thinking "WTH was I missing w/that nut job"?

 

I think it's an absolute waste of time trying to diagnose her or try to "figure her out".. It's impossible. I went through those mental gymnastics after my time w/that ex BPD gal.

 

At the end of the day, WHO CARES what she may or may not suffer from personality disorder wise. She's NOT your problem anymore. The relationship was toxic, unhealthy and traumatic for you. Practice gratitude that you're now not being tortured anymore.

 

Don't lose sight that in most cases when a relationship ends that we really don't miss the ex! What we miss is the companionship of being in a relationship, even if it was miserable. Stay NC and when you're feeling better, get out and date. I started dating 1-2 months after my disaster R/S with her and it helped me SSOO much.

[PLT]

I messaged her last night. Nothing intense or gushy. Just that I miss her and hope she she is happy.

 

Part of me is relieved. I said what I wanted to say for weeks, months. I do love her, but didnt tell her that. I guess I just want to know that she's doing ok.

 

The other part of me is angry at myself. Why couldn't I just let sleeping dogs lie.

 

I don't want a relationship with her, but I do care about her. I would love a relationship with the old her, but I'm not sure that person exists anymore.

 

Her response, or lack of, will tell me everything I need to know. I'm not going to pursue it any further. She knows I am available to talk if she wants.

 

Off to my therapy session now, hopefully I can work out what the hell I am playing at. All I know is that I am very conflicted.

[dangerous]

I have read this thread in its entirety and there is so much I can relate to, I experienced most of these traits from my ex.

 

PLT, your last post, is EXACTLY me! I am perhaps a few weeks ahead of you. I also broke NC, I still love(d) her and miss those "blissful" times (but not the cruel ones).

 

Take a look at my threads where you can see the push/pull of my own emotions.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/593201-girlfriend-dumped-me-unexpectedly-fight-her-give-up-5.html

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/597113-no-contact-against-me-ex-i-m-feeling-offended-3.html

 

My biggest breakthrough, despite the passing weeks, the therapy, the talks with my close friends, and reading all the good sense on this site, was when I had the most serious talk with her, and realised that she was immovable/uncompromising/ and downright selfish. It was weird but I saw the light that she continues to break my heart - and sanity!

 

My efforts at NC were half hearted. Previously I kept her number and responded to her messages, I even initiated messages. This time however, I deleted her number (so its difficult for me to contact her now) and I've also blocked her (not sure if that works now that I've deleted her?). I just don't want to risk hearing from her and being tempted back.

 

You need to do the same. But despite whatever we say on here, you have to arrive at that place yourself. Take whatever action you need to, to get there.

Best wishes.

Edited November 9, 2016 by dangerous

[aloneinaz]

I messaged her last night. Nothing intense or gushy. Just that I miss her and hope she she is happy.

 

You need to reach acceptance my friend. Right now you are dragging out this drama, pain and suffering. What value was there to message her? You'd of been MUCH better off smashing your hand with a hammer.

 

WHEN YOU'RE READY to move on from this relationship (your actions are saying you're not), read the NC thread again, again, and again.. Until you practice this, you're only dragging on the length of time to heal and move on w/your life.

[PLT]

What an awful day.

 

Counselling was HARD this morning. I spent most of it in tears. I've been in counselling for about 6 months but I feel as though I have gone backwards. I am so empty, and numb most of the time. I wake up and pretty much want it to be bedtime. Day after day.

 

My counselor is great. She confirmed that from everything I spoke about these past months, my ex was emotionally and psychologically abusive. Thing is, so many people have confirmed it, and that its not me, but I still find myself making excuses for her, or trying to rationalize what she did. Worse still I load it onto myself. Maybe she was right. Maybe it IS me that is the abuser. Maybe I am a liar, a good for nothing, not relationship material. My counselor keeps saying I need to "give yourself compassion". I dont even know where to start. Its all well and good telling myself its not my fault blah blah, but saying it and believing it are two different things.

 

Probably the most powerful thing my counsellor said was "You have been through so much trauma, not just with your ex, but your whole life. And yet I can see that you are a whole person, who cares and loves and empathizes. You are not crazy. You are not broken."

 

As for the message. I regretted it as soon as I sent it. But at the same time, I guess I want her to know that I still care. I sent it knowing full well that it will achieve nothing. In some ways it was a goodbye, on my terms. In some ways, it was my selfish way of letting her know I'm still here and haven't forgotten about her as quickly as she has forgotten about me.

 

She hasn't responded, which I expected. And which is probably also for the best. If she does respond, it won't be for days, or weeks. I said in the message that I wont keep messaging her. She will want to test that.

 

Right now I just don't know what the way forward is for me. I am simply going through the motions each day.

 

You guys help a lot though! If nothing else it gives me more food for thought. Thinking is all I seem to do these days.

[Sweetfish]

What an awful day.

 

Counselling was HARD this morning. I spent most of it in tears. I've been in counselling for about 6 months but I feel as though I have gone backwards. I am so empty, and numb most of the time. I wake up and pretty much want it to be bedtime. Day after day.

 

My counselor is great. She confirmed that from everything I spoke about these past months, my ex was emotionally and psychologically abusive. Thing is, so many people have confirmed it, and that its not me, but I still find myself making excuses for her, or trying to rationalize what she did. Worse still I load it onto myself. Maybe she was right. Maybe it IS me that is the abuser. Maybe I am a liar, a good for nothing, not relationship material. My counselor keeps saying I need to "give yourself compassion". I dont even know where to start. Its all well and good telling myself its not my fault blah blah, but saying it and believing it are two different things.

 

Probably the most powerful thing my counsellor said was "You have been through so much trauma, not just with your ex, but your whole life. And yet I can see that you are a whole person, who cares and loves and empathizes. You are not crazy. You are not broken."

 

As for the message. I regretted it as soon as I sent it. But at the same time, I guess I want her to know that I still care. I sent it knowing full well that it will achieve nothing. In some ways it was a goodbye, on my terms. In some ways, it was my selfish way of letting her know I'm still here and haven't forgotten about her as quickly as she has forgotten about me.

 

She hasn't responded, which I expected. And which is probably also for the best. If she does respond, it won't be for days, or weeks. I said in the message that I wont keep messaging her. She will want to test that.

 

Right now I just don't know what the way forward is for me. I am simply going through the motions each day.

 

You guys help a lot though! If nothing else it gives me more food for thought. Thinking is all I seem to do these days.

 

The only reason why you feel this way is because you had deep rooted insecurities before the relationship and her idealization erased all those insecurities. Now that she is doing the polar opposite. These insecurities have all rushed back at once in full force and your brain is doing what ever it takes to resolve the pain.

 

The only reason any man would stay in an abusive relationship is he has fear within him self. Which in a way you are broken... but we are all broken in some way.

 

I'm telling you right now.. BPD there is nothing you can do once your in the dark side. NOTHING. NC will not bring her back, letters, caring, roses, flowers, money.. Nothing.

 

So please today start the healing process 100%

 

Work on your self..it's going to be painfully hard..

 

Really hard.. but appreciate that his girl has open your eyes to something about you and the problems that are deep inside of you.

[dangerous]

Mate, go one step further. Block and delete her number so she can't text you back. It will just hurt you. She needs to go away, realise you are not there for her, to pick up and drop as she feels like. If she really cares or changes then she can make some real effort in contacting you in the future. Believe me, it will help you if you cut ties. You just don't need the futile hope she will contact you with anything good.

 

As I said, the changing point for me, was that after three months of push & pull and me being the depressed doormat (like you) I put my heart and dignity on the line and I called her (she didn't have the enthusiasm/ decency to see me) and told her that even the good fun things I was doing now would be better if she was with me sharing them. She told me when she wakes up every morning, she was happier on her own. That was it! I realised that she didn't give a **** about me or my feelings. So literally I said "ok, there's nothing more to say, goodbye." Phone number blocked and deleted.

 

And now I feel so much better, 2 days so far. I'm thinking of her MUCH less, and the thoughts I do have are not that I'm missing her!

[Sweetfish]

Also check out this..

 

I hope it's ok to post a link.. but you should read it.. but read it to with a grain of salt.

 

 

BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.

[hurting1078]

I just messaged goodbye to my borderline male of 5 years. I feel absolutely devastated but I literally could not take any more of his disappearing or selective responding or his deciding when he wanted me or when he'd rather have someone else. I have been so conditioned to accept so little that my self esteem is below the dumpsters. I feel so ugly and unwanted. I have tried to end it before but he would come back in days and act like nothing happened. This time I told him to leave me alone for good. I can't take it anymore.. I am so broken. I need help.

[ahall1701]

I just messaged goodbye to my borderline male of 5 years. I feel absolutely devastated but I literally could not take any more of his disappearing or selective responding or his deciding when he wanted me or when he'd rather have someone else. I have been so conditioned to accept so little that my self esteem is below the dumpsters. I feel so ugly and unwanted. I have tried to end it before but he would come back in days and act like nothing happened. This time I told him to leave me alone for good. I can't take it anymore.. I am so broken. I need help.

 

Hey everyone, if your having a hard time feel free to read my story over the past year of a nearly 3 year relationship. It may help you understand your own situations better. I really went through the gauntlet with her. Good times were good. Bad times were a nightmare. For your own mental health, please try your hardest to move on. The further out you get, the better you will be, think and understand your situation. Eventually you will wonder what the heck you were thinking by staying. I do!

 

Stay strong, it sucks. Trust me, I know. But there is a better life ahead. A more secure and stable life. A HAPPY LIFE.

[PLT]

I just messaged goodbye to my borderline male of 5 years. I feel absolutely devastated but I literally could not take any more of his disappearing or selective responding or his deciding when he wanted me or when he'd rather have someone else. I have been so conditioned to accept so little that my self esteem is below the dumpsters. I feel so ugly and unwanted. I have tried to end it before but he would come back in days and act like nothing happened. This time I told him to leave me alone for good. I can't take it anymore.. I am so broken. I need help.

 

I feel your pain. Believe it or not, we are in a similar place. I've known my ex for almost 7 years, in a relationship for 4, although the final year of that 4 has been absolute hell. I, and others posting in this thread know exactly what are you are talking about. The pick up/put down routine. The slow conditioning that you are not worthy, and that you are in some way a broken person that nobody could possibly love. Its all rubbish! I have to remind myself that multiple times every day.

 

Those conflicting emotions of intense longing, combined with intense anger at how we were treated, and how we allowed ourselves to be treated. I think this is what my counselor meant about being kind to yourself. I beat myself up every day at how I kept, and still keep hanging on to hope. No matter how many people say shes a horrific person and I'm better off without her anywhere near me, I still love her and I can't just get rid of that.

 

I am maybe closer to acceptance now though. Yes, I love her. Yes, I miss her and the little pockets of affection, even during the worst times, and yes I still care for her. BUT I cannot be with her, because she is completely incapable of giving me the love, support, understanding and compassion I need. In a way, the person I fell in love with is dead, metaphorically speaking.

 

In my eyes I'm more of a friend than any of her friends, because I have told her the truth. But she doesn't want to hear it. She'd rather have "yes" people around her that walk on eggshells and treat her like the world revolves around her.

 

In a perfect world, she would admit that she is abusive and get help for it. But I know she won't. She doesn't trust doctors. She doesn't trust anyone.

 

I feel bad for wanting her to hurt like she hurt me. One of the last things I said to her during our final blow up in August was that I hope she ends up with someone like her.

 

I feel unlovable, and unwanted. I feel like nobody understands (except my counselor and the folks on here!), I feel isolated, alone, lonely, and in despair.

 

Sorry for the random ramblings. Its 3am here and I couldnt sleep so got up for a bit, and I'm not really thinking in straight lines at the moment, but I hope that maybe some of this resonates with you. You ARE NOT alone.

[dangerous]

PLT, one more thing. Don't think you can be friends. I tried this too and it hurt! They cannot be a good friend either. Stay strong.

[PLT]

Feeling a little bit better today. Not much, but even 1% is an improvement. I am trying to just stick to the mindset that its's ok to love her, miss her and so on, while accepting that any relationship, or even contact with her is unworkable and will just lead to more pain. I am trying to stop analysing all the crap she did and said. It doesn't matter why she did these things, only that she DID do them. I am finished making excuses for her. I am also making a conscious effort to stop seeing her as the person I fell in love with. She is no longer that person, if she ever really was. I need to start seeing her for who she is now. Abusive, manipulating, controlling, drama filled, attention seeking.

 

I've been here before, a few times. This time though, I feel more stoic about it. I know deep down that she will not change. Knowing it, and accepting it are entirely different things though, but I feel I am on the right path. I'm sure there will be more downs to come, but I have felt far, far worse than this before (My 6 year old son died in my arms in 1999, among numerous other things throughout my life). I use that for confirmation of my strength.

 

I am going out with friends to a nightclub on Saturday for the first time in months, so that's something to look forward to.

 

One day at a time.

[Frozensushi]

I heard a song today that my Ex and I used to dance to all the time. It reminded me of those wonderful moments, the adoring way she looked at me. Then I thought about the months leading to the final breakup. I realized she hadn't looked at me like that for oh so long. We hadn't danced or hung out like we did early on in the relationship for months. She was always moody, depressed, tired, opinionated, and lethargic.

 

I thought to myself, "That's what life with her would be like". It's true. I think we all can agree that the person that we saw at the end of the relationship was a far stretch from the one we met at the beginning. Just keep that in mind. You're not pining over the "real" person, but the imaginary one that made us fall in love with them.

 

About 4 months into the R/S, during an intimate moment, I told my Ex how in love I was with her, how she was "the one". From that point on was the downward spiral. It's like she knew she had won and got bored and disinterested. She lost all desire to "win me over", thus it was the beginning of the end and I was on my way to being just another statistic in her many failed relationships.

 

I do miss the imaginary person I fell in love with. Some of the best times in my life I shared with that person. Too bad she never truly existed.

[ahall1701]

Feeling a little bit better today. Not much, but even 1% is an improvement. I am trying to just stick to the mindset that its's ok to love her, miss her and so on, while accepting that any relationship, or even contact with her is unworkable and will just lead to more pain. I am trying to stop analysing all the crap she did and said. It doesn't matter why she did these things, only that she DID do them. I am finished making excuses for her. I am also making a conscious effort to stop seeing her as the person I fell in love with. She is no longer that person, if she ever really was. I need to start seeing her for who she is now. Abusive, manipulating, controlling, drama filled, attention seeking.

 

I've been here before, a few times. This time though, I feel more stoic about it. I know deep down that she will not change. Knowing it, and accepting it are entirely different things though, but I feel I am on the right path. I'm sure there will be more downs to come, but I have felt far, far worse than this before (My 6 year old son died in my arms in 1999, among numerous other things throughout my life). I use that for confirmation of my strength.

 

I am going out with friends to a nightclub on Saturday for the first time in months, so that's something to look forward to.

 

One day at a time.

 

 

Just remember to be good to yourself. We're all in this together at LS. Glad to hear today is a little better. That is how it was for me last year when she left. It was hard for a month or so. Then it got a lot better a month after. Then she came back. We got together again. I hated it and took her BS for a year. 2.5 months ago I bailed and I feel really good and relaxed. Every situation is unique but dealing with people with heavy BPD traits or full blown BPD is not like a normal breakup. Remember that. You will heal and eventually you will feel normal, relaxed and happy. Good people are here so that means good people are everywhere Don't let her rob you of other good people and potential loves.

[Downtown]

My 6 year old son died in my arms in 1999.

PLT, I am so sorry. I cannot even imagine how painful that must have been for you to experience. It is painful to even read about it.

[aloneinaz]

Folks, HANG TOUGH! You can and will navigate through this. If it's a recent breakup, understand you're in withdrawal. Cold turkey (NC) is very effective and easing the symptoms. #2, CUT THE CORD. Block their number or even better, change your number. Deleting her number and blocking it felt SO GOOD.

 

Again, reach acceptance and go NC. Not doing any of these steps will only keep you stuck where some of you are.

[TexasGuy12]

Just wanted to chime in here since we're all kind of going through the same sort of breakup, although at different stages.

 

One thing I'll say is that as I am nearing my 2nd time reaching 45 days NC, that it gets so much easier, and also you start to more objectively look at things that happened in the relationship. Tonight I was just randomly sitting at a football game, and I thought of something really bad that she did, that at the time I made excuses for and was blinded. And today I just mouthed to myself "wow." Like, wow, that girl was really F'd up and did some really bad things to me.

 

Love blinds lots of things. And the farther out from it, the more you realize the difference between your BPD ex and normal people.

[PLT]

PLT, I am so sorry. I cannot even imagine how painful that must have been for you to experience. It is painful to even read about it.

 

Thanks. It was the worst time of my life and it took years to even start to come to terms with it. It fundamentally changed me as a person. My world view changed, and the way I live my life changed profoundly. It was a long time ago and I've come to terms with it now, but it still hurts. It always will. I accept that. Like I said, going through that and eventually coming out the other side made me virtually indestructible. Whenever I'm going through a difficult period in life, I remind myself of the strength I had to summon simply to get through another day.

 

When your girlfriend tells you during an argument that you use the death of your child as an excuse (an excuse for what, I still don't know), you know that something isn't quite right in her head. In my opinion, its one of those lines you simply do not cross. There are many such lines she did indeed cross, over and over again. Those words still ring in my ears, over a year later. All for a bit of point scoring.

 

At the time I remember saying to her "I don't want sympathy, just a bit of empathy" to which she replied "I don't do empathy". I should have bailed there and then.

 

And here I am wanting her back. That idolization phase, that lasted for years, was a powerful drug, that's for sure.

 

There's so much I want to say to her, but I know I'll never have the opportunity to. Even if I did, she wouldn't listen, she would just try and turn it around instead of doing the decent thing and admitting she was wrong and showing some remorse. In 7 years I have never seen any true remorse from her. It's quite scary that a person can have so little compassion.

 

Today is another day.

[Downtown]

There's so much I want to say to her, but I know I'll never have the opportunity to. Even if I did, she wouldn't listen....

PLT, even if you did have the opportunity to speak with her again, and even if she did listen -- which BPDers may do during those rare "moments of clarity" -- it would have no lasting effect on an unstable woman. If she has strong BPD traits, that magical alignment of earth, moon, and sun is quickly gone. As you know all too well, trying to build a lasting perception in a BPDer's mind is as futile as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. It will be gone as soon as another intense feeling floods her mind.

[Been]

So with bipolar it's always up and down? Because my last relationship she wanted to get married. Then she didn't. Then she did. She would break up with me for no reason. Then she'd comeback saying how much she missed me. Then we'd break up again and it would repeat itself.

She wanted me to move in. Then she didn't. I moved in. She then wanted me to move out. Then she didn't.

Does Any of this sound like any biopolar disorders?

[Downtown]

So with bipolar it's always up and down? Because my last relationship she wanted to get married. Then she didn't. Then she did. She would break up with me for no reason. Then she'd comeback saying how much she missed me. Then we'd break up again and it would repeat itself. She wanted me to move in. Then she didn't. I moved in. She then wanted me to move out. Then she didn't. Does Any of this sound like any bipolar disorders?

Been, in Ahall's several threads starting back in July 2015, we have been discussing warning signs not for bipolar (BP) but, rather, for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Both bipolar and BPD behaviors exhibit emotional instability.

 

They nonetheless exhibit many behavioral differences. If you're interested, I describe those differences at my list of 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. That list is based on my experiences with a BPDer (my exW) and a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son).

 

By the way, having one of these disorders does not rule out also having the other one as well. They can co-occur. A person suffering from a full-blown bipolar-1 episode in the past 12 months has a 50% chance of also exhibiting full-blown BPD. (With bipolar-2, that risk is reduced to 40%.) Because the incidence of BPD is much greater than that of bipolar, only 24% of people exhibiting full-blown BPD in the past 12 months also suffer from bipolar-1. See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP.

[Sweetfish]

And here I am wanting her back. That idolization phase, that lasted for years, was a powerful drug, that's for sure.

 

LIke i said before, I am glad this BPD ran thru my life because it showed a side of me I never saw. That i didn't know existed.

 

I was always told and though I lacked emotions. My BPD girlfriend brought it all out

 

I learned more about my self and grew. You never stop learning.

 

That idolization phase is powerful.. a drug indeed..a love potion.

Edited November 12, 2016 by Sweetfish

[PLT]

Well, I did it. Last night I said goodbye to her forever.

 

I told her I missed her, I told her I love her, that ultimately I want her to be happy, with or without me, and I told her that I accept that she doesn't love me, so I am now going to move on with my life. Wished her well and said goodbye.

 

I don't care if she gets an ego boost or whatever from knowing I've been pining away for her. I am being true to myself. I guess it's my way of taking closure.

 

In an ideal world, at some point she will reflect on it (doubtful I know) and realise that I was actually the best damn thing that ever came into her life. The sad thing is that it is already too late. The fact that I sent a real heartfelt, raw, honest message, she read it, and had no inclination to respond in any way tells me all I need to know.

 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm looking forward to going out tonight with friends and brushing away some cobwebs.

[Frozensushi]

In an ideal world, at some point she will reflect on it (doubtful I know) and realise that I was actually the best damn thing that ever came into her life. The sad thing is that it is already too late. The fact that I sent a real heartfelt, raw, honest message, she read it, and had no inclination to respond in any way tells me all I need to know.

 

PLT, remember one of the prominent features of BPD is "black and white thinking". People, places, and things are either "all good" or "all bad" to each extreme. This applies to the BPDer as well. But the BPDer would never tolerate being all bad. So as a result guess who gets to be "all bad"?

 

There's no way to know if she will ever realize that "you were the best damn thing to happen to her". As Downtown has stressed many times, their brains aren't wired the same way as everyone elses. Her actions are dependent on her internal thought processes, fears, and defense mechanisms.

 

It may take months, it may take years, but it will happen. One day you will be "all good" again in her eyes. After reading many threads about this, I think it's safe to say that all our BPD Ex's will make contact again. No one can say for certain when that will be, but even the most skeptikal person eventually was contacted. One poster on the BPDfamily forum stated that he truly believed he'd never hear from his BPD ExGF. 25 years later, 2 months after he got divorced, he received a FB message from her. 25 years later!

 

As I mentioned, the wiring is different. That's why we were always so confused and walking on eggshells all the time. I'm sure what you wrote was lovley and heartfelt, but you might as well have written those words to a toddler to read and comprehend. Trying to accept this fact, can be hard. I am still struggling with it. Just remember it's not you. There's nothing you could have done. Nothing.

 

I'm glad you got closure. Please don't regret sending the letter. People say she will get an ego boost, perhaps. I don't think that's what happens with BPDers. Remember, whatever emotion/feeling they are experiencing at that moment is the reality. Block her, change your number and go full NC. I'm almost 3 months and it's gotten a lot better. I look back and get angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated so poorly. You will too. Takes time.

 

You can do it!

Edited November 12, 2016 by Frozensushi