Why is it so difficult to get over an abusive borderline tendency relationship?

[Nadine123]

Ive been doing better no doubt but I think part of what hurts me the most is how he's going to far lengths to make this girl happy. Ive been on strict NC for four months but my friend slipped yesterday to tell me he added her name to his facebook name? what the hell? I know its non of my concern but who does that

[Bromeo]

So many deep and beautiful letters I sent my Ex during our breakups. Not one response. Then one day I'd get a "miss u" text right as I've started to move on and date again. That's the abandonment fear kicking in, nothing more. I won't be surprised if it happens to you as well PLT.

 

It's a vicious cycle. You have to break it for good. It's about survival now.

 

This right here! This thread is amazing. The camaraderie I feel is overwhelming.

 

Mine would find a card from an old flame, disappear for a month without saying anything. When I accepted her gone, and began to date, she came back.

 

Hell, second time she disappeared, I can't even remember why. I chased her back, even when I saw her pulling up to her place with another man. Same cycle.

 

She would wake up at night yelling at me for no reason.

 

This time when she left? She even told my sister I was her "knight", and she told me she spent the first six months trying to "impress" me and be my world.

 

Sent letter after letter. Poetry, songs, gifts. Nothing. Went to see her, told her I'd marry her after NC for a month. She made fun of me, told me she was with someone else. After three weeks.

 

When I was finally over it she sent a love song. Drew me back for a week. Two good calls, then disappeared again. This is last week. I finally told her not to contact me unless we will meet and reconcile. But I know she won't, and it's ok.

 

The idolization period, with the volcano sex, was a drug like no other. I had never seen anything like it. I felt like normal women were crazy and this was normal.

 

I still miss cigars on the deck, but the last 6 months of push / pull has damaged me.

 

So PLT, alone, frozen, and my other friends here, very simply, I understand.

 

Read my tale of woe here,

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/603033-bromeo-needs-vent

[aloneinaz]

Addictions are tough, and we're addicted to the idolization and mirroring phase that they put us through in the beginning? And why wouldn't we? We're guys who want to feel wanted and who love great sex. They gave us both of that and more.

 

This sums up why all of us continued to put up with the horror after the idolization phase ended for our BPD ex. I'm convinced we simply got addicted to the person of the first few months like cocaine abusers do when they get that first rush the first time of using the drug. We/them then chased the person/drug, always looking to regain that initial rush we felt.

 

In both cases (cocaine or R/S with BPD person), we found it only destroyed our (mental) health.

 

I'm very happy to hear everyone is on the road to moving on with their lives while feeling better. As folks are mentioning, staying away from anything to do with them social media, old pics, etc will help you continue to put them in the past.

[elaine567]

I'm convinced we simply got addicted to the person of the first few months like cocaine abusers do when they get that first rush the first time of using the drug. We/them then chased the person/drug, always looking to regain that initial rush we felt.

 

Yes.

Love is like cocaine: The remarkable, terrifying neuroscience of romance - Salon.com -

[PLT]

I thought I was doing ok, but it's all hitting me again. Sometimes I wonder if this pain will ever end. I'm dreading the Christmas period even more than I usually do. I'm sure you are all familiar with the thoughts that keep running through my head.

 

"What did I do that was so bad to deserve the treatment I got?"

"Why did she cut off all contact with no (logical) reason, no explanation, no nothing?"

"What on earth is wrong with me that I can't seem to move on from her?"

"Does she even think about me, or how I'm doing?"

"Does she even care that she had me at such a low that I was almost getting close to wanting to end my life, just to end the pain?"

"Does she regret the hell she put me through pretty much all of this year?"

"Is this just all a game to her?"

 

So many questions and little hope of any answers is hard to take.

[Bromeo]

PLT,

 

My brother, I got you. Online fist bumps. To give myself some closure, I broke NC and sent a long email detailing the growth I had experienced. I thanked her, told her I had forgiven myself and her, and listed some fun events I was doing. I did not say I loved, missed, or wanted to get back together. It was my way of taking back some of the respect I'd lost during this time. I was feeling great, and resigned myself to no contact permanently.

 

The next day I had an anxiety attack. I just wanted to see proof so I could move on. She hadn't posted on FB in a month, and instead of thinking she is just having a hard time during the holiday season, neurotically I thought she was hiding posts about her and her new mope. This thinking was of course nonsense, and I played the FFXV to right myself.

 

You will ebb and flow. Roll with it. Positive self talk, distract yourself, forgive yourself and her, and be kind during this time of healing.

[jorgeg3d]

This sums up why all of us continued to put up with the horror after the idolization phase ended for our BPD ex. I'm convinced we simply got addicted to the person of the first few months like cocaine abusers do when they get that first rush the first time of using the drug. We/them then chased the person/drug, always looking to regain that initial rush we felt.

 

In both cases (cocaine or R/S with BPD person), we found it only destroyed our (mental) health.

 

I'm very happy to hear everyone is on the road to moving on with their lives while feeling better. As folks are mentioning, staying away from anything to do with them social media, old pics, etc will help you continue to put them in the past.

 

This is so true! The first 8 months were like a drug, amazing sex always makes a man come back for more! But as they change, it makes it so hard. Its true, we idolize what they were, not what they really are.

[TexasGuy12]

I thought I was doing ok, but it's all hitting me again. Sometimes I wonder if this pain will ever end. I'm dreading the Christmas period even more than I usually do. I'm sure you are all familiar with the thoughts that keep running through my head.

 

"What did I do that was so bad to deserve the treatment I got?"

"Why did she cut off all contact with no (logical) reason, no explanation, no nothing?"

"What on earth is wrong with me that I can't seem to move on from her?"

"Does she even think about me, or how I'm doing?"

"Does she even care that she had me at such a low that I was almost getting close to wanting to end my life, just to end the pain?"

"Does she regret the hell she put me through pretty much all of this year?"

"Is this just all a game to her?"

 

So many questions and little hope of any answers is hard to take.

 

I'm having a tough time too, and I'm right there with you with most of your questions. I never thought about ending my life, but the more I think about the total insane bull**** she put me through, the happier I become that I am still alive. Not trying to be dramatic - the stuff they put us through is awful.

 

I've posted about what the holidays meant for my BPD relationship. It was a special time for us for many reasons and the past week is the worst I've been in couple months. Still miles better than immediately after the breakup of course but I have thought about her way more than I have been.

 

I think the cutting off the contact is because their entire disorder predicates on them not facing their problems and not acknowledging them, and they have f'd up so badly with most of their ex's that facing them would be facing their problems and facing the hell they put us through. To them, that would be more stressful than just putting us out of their minds and lives and pretending that we don't exist. That's my theory anyway.

 

I've been taking to, I'll call them normal girls, and while I don't have much interest in dating them, I can definitely say that it's refreshing to talk to females without all of the added drama and bizarre acting. It's funny comparing the 3rd time I hung out with the current girl I'm talking to, when we went out and had a couple drinks and just had fun, thens he went home and returned to normal life, whereas with my BPD ex, at the point she was already writing songs about me, tweeting about being in love, faking illnesses so that I wouldn't leave, buying me presents that she knew would hit my heart, etc etc.

 

It's so hard man. I struggle with it everyday. In my good moments, I'm on here trying to help others. In the tough moments, on here trying to get support. One of the hardest things we'll ever go through. Somehow, someway, just have to accept that she's very mentally unstable and that she doesn't reflect most of humanity and take it as a lesson learned. Luckily, in our cases, the "it's not you, it's me" is actually true as opposed to being something to make you fee better.

[TexasGuy12]

This is so true! The first 8 months were like a drug, amazing sex always makes a man come back for more! But as they change, it makes it so hard. Its true, we idolize what they were, not what they really are.

 

It really is like a drug. You know when I really realized that? When I broke my first 2 period of NC, immediately after contacting her, I felt calm. Even though she didn't respond right away, before she did, I was calmer than ever. I'm not a big drug user but I do have a gambling vice and I can only compare it to the feeling immediately after placing a big bet before you know the outcome. You got your rush and the anticipation is over.

 

So yeah, we are addicted to how we felt early on. We're guys. We want to be needed. Want to be loved and idolized. They did that for us. If your ex was like mine, there's nothing she wouldn't do sexually and never a time when she didn't want sex. If I told her we were going to stay in her bedroom for 120 hours straight and do nothing but have sex, she probably would have been the happiest girl on the planet.

 

So yep. Addicted to that feeling. And one of the sucky parts about recovering rom this and focusing on more normal relationships is that even though the normalcy will come back and it will be a pleasure to be in a normal relationships with a normal girl, that feeling to the beginning of the BPD relationship will never come back unless you meet another one. Not saying it's a good situation to be, in because it's obviously not....but neither is cocaine, and people get addicted to that, right?

 

Pretty scary when you think about it in those terms.

[jorgeg3d]

Check out my post on my experience with my ex. It's not quite the same as BPD, but in many cases its similar.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/605330-relationships-introvert-passive-aggressive

[LucaChickaD]

I think maybe all the drama created passionate feelings. Because yes most men I know would not tolerate that sort of behaviour for as long as you did. Was she extremely attractive

[Moatilliata]

Hello,

 

I went out with a girl who treated me pretty badly and may have had a few BPD/NPD traits but I'm not sure how severe she would be classed on the spectrum.

 

I was just wondering, regardless of whether someone has a disordered personality or not, do you guys think that people can change drastically?

 

I've mentioned it before in my other posts - and this may sound very childish/petty - but I feel like I would be able to move on much more quickly if I knew that actually my ex was going to be a horrible person to whoever she meets in the future. I suppose one of my irrational, petty, jealous fears is "what if she treats her future partners really well and it's only me that she treated badly"? My ex is extremely beautiful and works in a highly technical profession and so will never be short of male attention but I think I might find peace a bit easier if I knew she was going to be a nightmare to get along with for future men too (really spiteful of me I know).

 

So, do you think people can change profoundly? I suppose the answer has to be yes as you can never say never in life especially when it comes to the huge spectrum of different people in the world...*sigh*

[PLT]

I think maybe all the drama created passionate feelings. Because yes most men I know would not tolerate that sort of behaviour for as long as you did. Was she extremely attractive

 

I thought she was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen in my life. She always had plenty of orbiters just waiting for her to be single again. Trouble is, I still think that. But I've avoided looking at old photos like the plague, and the memories of how stunning I found her are starting to fuzz a little.

 

Even on bad days, I'm better than I have been for most of this year. Her twisted reality sucked me in, chewed me up and spat me out and for a long time I had no idea which way was up. As soon as I thought I got the "rules", they would change.

 

The sex part is weird. She was pretty conservative in regards to sex, and yet, for some reason I still can't explain, it blew my mind. Way more than previous girlfriends who were much more adventurous in the bedroom.

 

The thing I struggle with most is that when she was being "normal", she was a wonderful human being, or at least appeared to be. Jeckyll and Hyde pretty much covers it.

 

Texasguy that makes sense about cutting off all contact so suddenly. I saw her do it to friends before she did it to me. They simply didn't exist in her bubble anymore. Some of these are people she would describe as her best friends and had known them for 10+ years. It was really quite disturbing to see her have zero emotion other than anger.

 

She said to me more than once, "I don't do resolution, I just walk away so I don't need to resolve anything." Shame she didnt give me a heads up on this 4 years prior but hey ho. It's like she knows there is a major problem with her but her attitude is that's who she is and its everyone elses tough titties.

 

She has blocked me on facebook. I know its for the best. She probably did it to punish me, knowing her. In fact it's helping me. Ignorance really is bliss.

[PLT]

Hello,

 

I went out with a girl who treated me pretty badly and may have had a few BPD/NPD traits but I'm not sure how severe she would be classed on the spectrum.

 

I was just wondering, regardless of whether someone has a disordered personality or not, do you guys think that people can change drastically?

 

I've mentioned it before in my other posts - and this may sound very childish/petty - but I feel like I would be able to move on much more quickly if I knew that actually my ex was going to be a horrible person to whoever she meets in the future. I suppose one of my irrational, petty, jealous fears is "what if she treats her future partners really well and it's only me that she treated badly"? My ex is extremely beautiful and works in a highly technical profession and so will never be short of male attention but I think I might find peace a bit easier if I knew she was going to be a nightmare to get along with for future men too (really spiteful of me I know).

 

So, do you think people can change profoundly? I suppose the answer has to be yes as you can never say never in life especially when it comes to the huge spectrum of different people in the world...*sigh*

 

Hi and welcome to the thread.

 

I get where you are coming from. One of my consistent thoughts is that my ex will treat her next victim so much better than me. But it's not true. These people are disordered. It's not an illness that can be cured. It's who they are. Apparently it is possible for a BPDer to change, but it takes a huge amount of time and effort that quite frankly, most cant be bothered. Easier to just dupe the next person who hasnt seen behind the mask, yet.

 

Non disordered people of course can make profound changes, but doing that needs a lot of introspection and BPDers are completely incapable of that, from what I gather.

[PLT]

I must be getting a bunch of triggers because she is forefront of my mind again, after a couple of weeks of relative peace. I want to write to her, but I won't. I'm putting it here instead.

 

I still miss you. It defies all logic but I do. You know what the hardest thing to get my head around is? For so long I thought we were made for each other. We had so much potential, and then it was all gone in a blink of the eye. I don't understand why you were never satisfied. IT didn't matter what I did or didn't so, what I said or didn't say, you always found something to bitch about. If you couldn't find anything then you'd just make something up.

 

How on earth did we go from what we were, to what we are? Why did you start lying all the time? Why did you blame me for everything? You even blamed me for things you did! Thats just utter madness.

 

I look back and wonder how it came to this. Did you just get bored because I started pointing out the facts, rather than try to appease you? Once you realised that you couldn't control me? Is that when you decided to throw me away like a piece of ****?

 

So many questions that I'll never have the answers to. But thats ok. I'm slowly learning to accept that. I don't like it, because in my world, adults discuss things, not have a tantrum over some imagined scenario and spit their dummy out.

 

Anyway, despite still being confused and angry about how you have treated me, life is good. Life is calm again. I have stopped hearing eggshells cracking every step I take. I have started to realise that it wasn't me, it was you. I can hold my head high knowing I gave absolutely everything I possibly could to save our relationship. For most of 2016, I was carrying it for both of us, while you just watched it burn. I will never get why you sabotaged it every step of the way. I hope you're happy.

 

Actually, truth be told, no I don't. I hope you are ****ing miserable and alone. I hope one day you realise just what it was that you trampled all over, and regret it for the rest of your self obsessed life.

 

So I guess I don't miss you. I miss who you pretended to be. The problem is that who you pretended to be I fell hopelessly in love with. Thanks for that.

[PLT]

Hi folks just another little update.

 

I've been up and down for a while, but on the positive side I've started volunteering at a local charity which gets me out the flat, and interacting with more people.

 

I got home yesterday and something really threw me. I had an email saying that someone had looked at my LinkedIn profile, which hasn't been used since 2013, and has no photos. I clicked on the "who viewed you" button thinking it might be a work opportunity and it was her, my ex.

 

Why on earth would someone block you from facebook, ignore all attempts at contact, call the police saying you are harassing them, then a few weeks later go and look on a dead profile (which I have now taken the opportunity to update)?

 

Crazy is as crazy does I guess.

[Bromeo]

PLT,

 

Right there with you. If you've read my crazy tale, I literally tried everything to move forward.

 

For me, the pain felt unending and unbearable. I finally grabbed my emotional cojones and snapped out of it a couple of days ago. I have felt great since, and I feel the drama fading.

 

Then I checked FB messenger Monday, which I never do, and got a curious message that my ex had looked me up using my registered phone # in the last 24 hours.

 

The reality is it doesn't matter why your ex checked on you. They have your contact info, and if they want to talk they will. KEEP NC until that time. Dont make my mistakes.

 

The thinking is either that she was drunk, missing me, and wondering about me. Or, she just got done shagging her new mope, and wanted to show him her "awful" ex.

 

Either way, I don't care for high school games. You shouldn't either. Remember that the ability to focus when distracted, especially emotionally distracted can really define you and promote growth.

 

Lean on those further down the path then you are. If I had followed my friends advice, I'd have healed much quicker.

[TexasGuy12]

Wanted to share this article...

 

Frighteningly and eerily similar to my experience. I could have written this word for word.

 

Anyone else?

 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[PLT]

Wanted to share this article...

 

Frighteningly and eerily similar to my experience. I could have written this word for word.

 

Anyone else?

 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

 

Yep. Word for word.

[Bromeo]

Wow! I read that article as well. It was frightening how many parallels I drew.

 

Mine even ordered my complicated drink at starbucks, was shining her shoes like me, and wanted to play my xbox rpg's.

 

The sex was explosive.

 

Highs and lows were extreme.

 

Breakup was brutal on me. lol

 

We live and learn.

[TexasGuy12]

Has anyone in this thread successful sought treatment in getting over their BDP ex/breakup? If so, what type of therapist did you see/what worked for you?

 

Really having a bad setback and looking for any possible solutions in getting on with my life and not feeling like this.

[Sweetfish]

Has anyone in this thread successful sought treatment in getting over their BDP ex/breakup? If so, what type of therapist did you see/what worked for you?

 

Really having a bad setback and looking for any possible solutions in getting on with my life and not feeling like this.

 

 

The most powerful thing about being with a BPD is being an idol to them. You need to understand you will never receive this "lust" ( notice I didn't say love) again, its a chemical imbalance in the BPD and you are just a catalyst. You will be love sick after the course of being with a BPD.

 

The benefits of a BPD is they put forward deep insecurities you've had inside of you that you may not have realized. The BPD may have been an extension of the close relationship you had with your mother or the incapacity to satisfy your own mother. So your needed to receive love from your EX to fulfill acceptance in your own character.

 

You need to start looking for acceptance within... its very hard to do that from the years of conditioning. I would look for a therapist who you can talk to about your personal problems not the BPD. There are not many support groups for BPD survivors, but their are some great books to look into.

 

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

Edited December 20, 2016 by Sweetfish

[aloneinaz]

Honestly, what I've found to be the best therapy to get over my BPD ex was to go hardcore NC. Block them on all social media. Deleted their email and phone number. Throw out/delete all pictures, gifts, cards, etc. If you can't, then put them all in a box and give to a family member or friend to keep.

 

Out of sight, out of mind was VERY KEY for me to move forward in getting over/past that relationship.

 

The second "therapy" for me was to get out and date again. I was dating 6-8 weeks after she ended us. Was it easy? Nope. Did it help, oh heck yes. Just spending time w/the opposite sex was good for my soul. Sitting at home, lonely and spending way too much time alone, thinking about the ex was not healthy for me. I dated a lot for the next few months and then met my now fiance about 4-5 months after the BPD ex and I ended. My fiance and I hit it off and it then developed naturally over the next couple of months into the relationship it's become.

 

Ironically, the BPD ex reappeared after 6 months wanting another chance and was told no. I'd already bought that ground too many times. The only thing I missed about her was the sex.. I didn't miss the other crap... at all.

 

It's been a few years since the crazy ex and I broke up. I saw her and her new husband the other day while the fiance and I were out. They passed in front of us making a turn. I hadn't seen her in years. My feelings? Nothing, nada, zip.. When I think about her after this many years, only the horror of her terrible behavior pops up. As they passed and I stared at her guy, my thoughts were "I wonder how much hell he's being put through and how much longer he'll stay"..

 

Folks remember this. She'll never change nor will your exes. It won't happen. They won't suddenly change and stay that sweet, kind, adoring gal who hooked up with the porn sex. It simply won't happen.

 

Feel like I did as she passed by in their car. Feel gratitude that you're away from that toxic relationship.

[TexasGuy12]

The most powerful thing about being with a BPD is being an idol to them. You need to understand you will never receive this "lust" ( notice I didn't say love) again, its a chemical imbalance in the BPD and you are just a catalyst. You will be love sick after the course of being with a BPD.

 

The benefits of a BPD is they put forward deep insecurities you've had inside of you that you may not have realized. The BPD may have been an extension of the close relationship you had with your mother or the incapacity to satisfy your own mother. So your needed to receive love from your EX to fulfill acceptance in your own character.

 

You need to start looking for acceptance within... its very hard to do that from the years of conditioning. I would look for a therapist who you can talk to about your personal problems not the BPD. There are not many support groups for BPD survivors, but their are some great books to look into.

 

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

 

I totally appreciate what you're saying and I do understand it. Perhaps I have insecurities that I don't realize, but I personally, in my case, don't think that's what is giving me the the most trouble.

 

It's a combination of missing what I had during the mirroring/infatuation period, to not understanding how she can move on so quickly and not give a F*** when I cared so much, to ruminating about things I could have done differently.

 

Maybe in 6 months I'll realize what you're saying is correct. I certainly have my fair share of issues, I think we all do, but I don't think I have insecurities that are sparking this. I've had relationships before where I screwed up. It happens. But I've realized that I was in a relationship with a very mentally ill woman and the after effects are just reeking havoc on my emotions and I'm tired of it.

[TexasGuy12]

Honestly, what I've found to be the best therapy to get over my BPD ex was to go hardcore NC. Block them on all social media. Deleted their email and phone number. Throw out/delete all pictures, gifts, cards, etc. If you can't, then put them all in a box and give to a family member or friend to keep.

 

Out of sight, out of mind was VERY KEY for me to move forward in getting over/past that relationship.

 

The second "therapy" for me was to get out and date again. I was dating 6-8 weeks after she ended us. Was it easy? Nope. Did it help, oh heck yes. Just spending time w/the opposite sex was good for my soul. Sitting at home, lonely and spending way too much time alone, thinking about the ex was not healthy for me. I dated a lot for the next few months and then met my now fiance about 4-5 months after the BPD ex and I ended. My fiance and I hit it off and it then developed naturally over the next couple of months into the relationship it's become.

 

Ironically, the BPD ex reappeared after 6 months wanting another chance and was told no. I'd already bought that ground too many times. The only thing I missed about her was the sex.. I didn't miss the other crap... at all.

 

It's been a few years since the crazy ex and I broke up. I saw her and her new husband the other day while the fiance and I were out. They passed in front of us making a turn. I hadn't seen her in years. My feelings? Nothing, nada, zip.. When I think about her after this many years, only the horror of her terrible behavior pops up. As they passed and I stared at her guy, my thoughts were "I wonder how much hell he's being put through and how much longer he'll stay"..

 

Folks remember this. She'll never change nor will your exes. It won't happen. They won't suddenly change and stay that sweet, kind, adoring gal who hooked up with the porn sex. It simply won't happen.

 

Feel like I did as she passed by in their car. Feel gratitude that you're away from that toxic relationship.

 

Your posts have been a great help to me throughout these past 6 months. And I went through a 2-3 month period where I was doing GREAT. I really was. Dating, talking to numerous girls, going out and having fun, working out. But the holidays approached and that's when we've had our best times and it all got to me, which led to me checking her social media, which led to me seeing her pictures with her new boyfriend and have been a bit derailed the past 5 days or so.

 

I had a phone call with her yesterday where she admitted all the F'd up things that she did, and all the lies and manipulations. She admitted that she moves from town to town when things blow up because she needs a fresh start. She admitted everything, and she told me that after a few months, she fell out of love with me but didn't want to lose my friendship and didn't want to be alone so she stayed with me.

 

(This doesn't even make sense because she was always more into it than I was and she was always pulling me back whenever we'd have arguments when she could have let me go had she wanted to).

 

And hearing her talk about her new boyfriend, she's using emotion that just isn't healthy. Now I realize it's how she talked bout me and felt about me early in our relationship, and the way she talked to me about her exs, she is now talking to her new boyfriend about me.

 

I'm a regular guy, not a psychopath, so hearing that stuff, it really, really affects me.

 

I thank God that I have discovered what BPD is because at least I have that to cling to.

 

It's concerning to me that I can go through periods of doing so well, and then I'm back really close to where I started. It's also concerning that if I'm being honest, I haven't yet gotten to the point where I want to delete her number and block her from everything. Even when I was doing good, I would have been happy had she texted me. At some points, happy that I could ignore her. At other points, happy that we could have talked.

 

I still ruminate about how I could act to get her to paint me white again. Like I'm addicted to that initial phase. Kind of like knowing a drug is bad and will kill you but being addicted to it anyway.