Married but In Love With Ex Boyfriend

[heaven77]

I am in need of someone to slap me silly and put me in my place. Short version - When I was 19, I met an older man and fell deeply in love. Needless to say we had a very romantic life together until it imploded fairly rapidly with dishonesty (cheating) on his part. Off and on for nearly 13 years, I got back with and then we broke up again, the last time due to his cheating with the first person he cheated on with me. 8 years ago, I decided that even though I still loved him I would never be able to escape the cycle of being with him and so I quit my job, packed up all my stuff, and drove across the country to live with my mother til I could figure things out.

Four years ago, I met an old childhood sweetheart. He was everything I wanted in a husband—honest, loyal, attentive, funny, and handsome to boot. We fell in love and were married in 2014 despite my ex’s intrusions wanting to get back with me I decided to continue with the marriage. We had a son last year together and he is still a great husband and father—even though I don’t feel that “passion” that I had with my ex and we have blow out fights a lot. I still love him very much.

 

That said – I still can’t quite seem to get rid of the thoughts of my ex. He has broken up with the woman he cheated on me with, told me it was a huge mistake, says he’s been celibate for nearly 2 years and has traveled and did some “soul searching” and realized I was the one who got away. He still loves me and honestly I still love him too. I hate even admitting that but it's true. But I also realize that our past is the past and now I have a son and a good man for a husband. I would never cheat on him but I can’t quit thinking of my ex and all the things I miss about him.

Please someone give me some advice to get my ex out of my head for good – so I can focus on my marriage and family.

[heartwhole]

You had 13 years to make it work with the ex. That's more than enough. It DIDN'T work then, and it won't work now.

 

Put your energy into getting the spark back with your husband. The grass is greenest where you water it.

[basil67]

You start by blocking all methods he may use to contact you. Block him on your phone for both text and calls. Don't be friends on social media. Thing is, he's been undermining your new relationship from the very beginning and you've been allowing it.

 

Recognise him for the piece of dirt he is. This guy is all about what's best for him. And be clear, love can't exist without respect. And he certainly doesn't respect the fact that you chose to be with a better man and should be focusing on him and your child.

[basil67]

If you don't know how to end it, try this for size:

 

"I've been thinking about how I want my future to look and I've realised that you don't have a place in it. I'm moving on without you"

[Cephalopod]

If you are already detaching from your husband that means your correspondences with the OM have been ongoing and intense and you are in an emotional affair with him. I do not understand why you would give credence and emotional energy to a man who is willing to tear apart a family to get what he wants.

 

Block him from contacting you every way you can. You are not in love with him...he's just got you bumfuddled and turned sideways. Once you stop the silliness you will come out of the fog and your love and attraction to your husband will return.

 

You should also come clean to your husband and tell him what has been going on. There is no way he has not noticed your detachment. You owe him the truth. Start acting like a married woman. You have a responsibility to your husband and child to be on board 100%, not chasing around a fool.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I am not sure what to do. I have the same issue with a college gf and its been 22 yrs since we broke up. I can't get her out of my thoughts, she pops up in my dreams, etc. I have a good wife and 2 great kids.

 

 

We don't have any contact tho.

[Raena]

The only way to stop this from turning into a train wreck is to just completely cut him off. Do not communicate with him in any form. Focus on your husband and your child.

 

It's hard to walk away from a toxic relationship. You'd think it wouldn't be, but it is. The relationship tends to be very intense and yours happened to be at a time when you were growing and figuring out who you were as a woman. I've found that this kind of intensity burns hot and takes a long time to fade.

 

You will get over it. Just keep reminding yourself that he is a lying cheat and he'll always be that to you. It doesn't matter how many years he goes being celibate (which btw does not mean he won't cheat again, it might just mean that no one wants to date an old man who has cheated multiple times), that is not what his relationship was with you. With you, he was a cheat. Not just a one time cheat either, a repeat offender.

 

One thing I did for myself was to make a list of all the horrible things my ex did to me to remind me of why I should never entertain the thought of a relationship with him again. Every once in awhile I read it again, especially when he starts making comments that make me think he wants me to take him back. It's an instant reminder of why I kicked him out and why I will never take him back. More and more I find myself not even thinking about him anymore. I never thought that would happen, but it is and it should with you too.

 

Essentially you need to slap your own self silly. No one can make you stop thinking about him but you.

[usa1ah]

First thing to do. Stop talking with the ex.

[Mr. Lucky]

He has broken up with the woman he cheated on me with, told me it was a huge mistake, says he’s been celibate for nearly 2 years and has traveled and did some “soul searching” and realized I was the one who got away. He still loves me and honestly I still love him too.

 

This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you.

 

Go back and reread your description of your relationship with this prize. Drama and breakups, instability and infidelity. That's the life you miss? What do you think would be the predictable outcome were you to leave your marriage for this loser?

 

Take the time and energy you're putting into communicating with him (let me guess - behind your husband's back) and sink it into IC. You need to understand why you'd consider such an obviously self-destructive path...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sunkissedpatio]

What exactly is it that you are still so hooked on of your ex? Your current husband seems to have it all, if what you described is accurate why would you need more? What is about your ex that you find irresistible?

[aileD]

Passion wanes in a marriage, that happens to most wveryoneZ. Especially after having kids. It ebbs and flows. That's normal!!! Normal.

 

Ou have a normal marriage with a great guy and father and you want to throw it away for .....what?

 

Passion riddled with infidelity, lies and drama and 13 years of not making it work?

 

You have a fantasy. Your reality is much better. Don't **** it up.

 

Read some stories here and see how horrible your life will be if you get involved in an affair

 

You don't really want him. You want the romantic notion of him.

 

And that's not real

 

What is real is your decent husband and baby.

[40somethingGuy]

I am in need of someone to slap me silly and put me in my place. Short version - When I was 19, I met an older man and fell deeply in love. Needless to say we had a very romantic life together until it imploded fairly rapidly with dishonesty (cheating) on his part. Off and on for nearly 13 years, I got back with and then we broke up again, the last time due to his cheating with the first person he cheated on with me. 8 years ago, I decided that even though I still loved him I would never be able to escape the cycle of being with him and so I quit my job, packed up all my stuff, and drove across the country to live with my mother til I could figure things out.

Four years ago, I met an old childhood sweetheart. He was everything I wanted in a husband—honest, loyal, attentive, funny, and handsome to boot. We fell in love and were married in 2014 despite my ex’s intrusions wanting to get back with me I decided to continue with the marriage. We had a son last year together and he is still a great husband and father—even though I don’t feel that “passion” that I had with my ex and we have blow out fights a lot. I still love him very much.

 

That said – I still can’t quite seem to get rid of the thoughts of my ex. He has broken up with the woman he cheated on me with, told me it was a huge mistake, says he’s been celibate for nearly 2 years and has traveled and did some “soul searching” and realized I was the one who got away. He still loves me and honestly I still love him too. I hate even admitting that but it's true. But I also realize that our past is the past and now I have a son and a good man for a husband. I would never cheat on him but I can’t quit thinking of my ex and all the things I miss about him.

Please someone give me some advice to get my ex out of my head for good – so I can focus on my marriage and family.

You gotta leave your good husband and go back to the cheating ex. Afterall he is 'sorry.' You can enjoy the feelings your ex will give you until he finds someone he likes better and cheats again.

[Satu]

Have you told your husband that you need more drama?

 

More highs and lows?

 

Heaven and hell?

 

Be unable to choose between you and another woman?

 

Let you down when you really need him not to?

 

Maybe he could meet those needs for you, when he's not busy being a good husband and father.

 

Sorry for the sarcasm; I just couldn't keep it in.

 

 

Take care.

[Just a Guy]

Lady, I've got to hand it to you! While the majority of women in your place would be thanking the Almighty for having saved them from a future of pain and tears by giving you a good husband and a stable life, you are pining for a man who has proven himself to be a liar and a cheat and has done so repeatedly for thirteen years. After thirteen years you made a sensible decision to move away from the scene of your heartbreak and tears so that you could start afresh. After all the good and positive things that have happened following your decision like finding a good man who does'nt lie to you, cheat on you, provides a stable home atmosphere for you and has fathered a child with you, you still want to throw it all away and go back to sitting on a powder keg of dynamite?

 

Do your husband a BIG favour. Tell him you are not happy to have this kind of stability in your life and want to go back to being treated like a piece of toilet paper to be used and discarded at will by your cheating beau. Then ask him for a divorce and let him be free to choose a good woman who will only root for him and no one else. Maybe if you continue like this a bit longer your husband will realize you are having an EA with your ex and will have you served with divorce papers. Then you can go back happily to your cheating beau and live the crappy life that you so desperately crave. Your husband can move on to better things in life than being stuck with you. Warm wishes.

Edited October 30, 2016 by Just a Guy

[elaine567]

Why are you having "blow out fights" with your husband a lot?

[heaven77]

Thanks for your replies. Since I posted this, I have done a bit of soul searching and decided to research some things as well as talk to a professional counselor.

I could not understand why I would consider such a self-destructive path (as one poster said here) rather than enjoy my current reality.

 

My therapist had helped me tremendously. One thing I learned is that when we are in early adulthood we still have very malleable brains and people that we have romantic relationships shape who we are as we form biological connections to them in our brain. These connections make us feel attached to certain persons in life and that bond is very hard to break. Considering I met him at 19, I actually was forming this sort of biological connection to him. And because I did not have good relationship role models in my own childhood I looked at him as somewhat of a “father figure” –in essence, he took the place of not only my lover and partner, but also of a parental figure. It’s crazy to think how much biology actually affects how we relate to each other.

 

That being said, I did cut off all contact and focused on my marriage. While we still have some communication problems, we don’t fight nearly as much and we are both very happy. Our son is really awesome and I look forward to a happy future with my family.

While some of you were harsh and unnecesarily judgmental in your replies, many of you were kind and offered valuable help to me. So if you are one of those people reading this, thank you.

[Mr. Lucky]

That being said, I did cut off all contact and focused on my marriage. While we still have some communication problems, we don’t fight nearly as much and we are both very happy. Our son is really awesome and I look forward to a happy future with my family.

 

Win, win! Congrats and much happiness going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi Heaven, firstly, congratulations on your progress and your decision to reconnect with your husband. You mentioned that some of the posters were harsh and judgemental while responding to your OP. The fact is that you yourself asked that you be slapped silly and brought back to reality and I guess that is what folks were trying to do. Sometimes docs administer bitter medicine to patients for them to recover from some dangerous illness. Your malady was also a very dangerous one and could have detailed your life if you did not take corrective action in time. It is good that you did realize that you were on a slippery path and took corrective action to save yourself in time. You did well. Best of luck to you going forward.

[Poutrew]

Why are you having "blow out fights" with your husband a lot?

 

Oh, that one is easy to figure out. Hubby knows something is not right with his wife, even if he doesn't yet know what it is. Eventually, he will find out, and the decision will be taken out of the wife's hands about what to do. Then, there will be one more blow up fight, where hubs finds out that his wife is actually in love with the dirt bag. Hubs divorces her, and she is free to go back to the sewer, where she will probably immediately start regretting her decision and wishing for the easy life with a good man that she threw away.

 

In a couple of years time, I wouldn't be surprised if this poster posts again, along the lines of, " I want the life back that I threw away in 2018..."

[Just a Guy]

Hi Poutrew, I guess the OP has made a major course correction and is now on the right track. Hopefully she won't be posting that thread as anticipated by you. Warm wishes.

[Adotta]

Heavenly can I ask you a personal question?

 

Is your hubby pleasing in bed? Take this question seriously. I see it alot on this board and in real life but women tend to not understand just how important great or at least good sex is in a relationship untill it's to late. I think they think it can just be glossed over or that it will improve with time ( it can but only with hard work and open communication ). I'm also guessing they don't want to blame the guy because it can't be his fualt. It's not his fault.... but it's still important. He doesn't need to be the best but it should be good.

 

Is there a size difference in the boxers? Is stamina an issue? Women can attach to a man without a great sex but it's hard to move past just a bit more then friends unless a man can unlock that part of a woman. And sadly some people are just not compatable.

 

Do you need to be dominated? Do you like to dominate? do you want certain things but can't get the nerve up to say it?

 

Some women have larger then normal vaginas and need bigger. You may be a size queen as they are called.

 

Whatever your hangup with hubby is don't let it sit on the back burner. If he's not "enough" and you don't see that changing let him go. Every day month and year that you let this fester is another year he COULD have been searching for a sexually compatable mate. And I don't care how happy he is now when you leave all that happy feeling will be a lie in his mind. He will feel like he wasted years of his life.

 

Don't hold back is what I'm saying. Somtimes you have to get through the ****ty embarrassing nitty gritty hard talks to get to that place where you can share every single cell of your being with a man or woman. Don't avoid the hard talks.... especially for the sake of your partner. There are good and bad ways to say things but in the end they still need to be said.

 

Have you told your husband about this past toxic relationship and that it might still have its claws in you? You don't have to say you love this om but some clue should be given. Hell I always suggest radical honesty. If he can't take a few hard truths maybe you guys are not meant to be together.

 

And don't you dare stay with him FOR YOUR SON. That's one of the most insulting things you can do to a man. We men want our women to desire us for us. Not because of what we offer. Your son can have a happy life with split parents as long as those parents work together. But if you let's this build to the point that you cheat and split because of that I can assure you a happy co parent relationship will be the last thing he wants. He won't even want to talk to you.

Edited February 18, 2018 by Adotta