She Cheated and Wants Out, But...

[Noproblem]

I really think you should move out of the house right now. Right away!

 

Even if it's your house, just move out before she starts claiming things like "he cheated on me, he hit me; he hit the kid, he abused me, he abused the kid, molested the kid!"

 

IF she is crazy, she will do that!

 

I am sorry, but you should have chosen the right person!

 

I am sure early in your relationship, you knew she wasn't a nice person, but you ignored that because she made you feel right or you loved her. Or maybe she was hot, I don't know.

 

Now, this is her true self like others suggested. She will do what she wants to hurt you!

 

Be careful, get out, and let your lawyer do the work.

 

At the end of the day, she can't handle taking care of the girl by herself!

[Noproblem]

She wants child support money.

 

Does she even have a job? Or an income?

 

Look, what you should have done, in my opinion, is just to pretend to go along with her "plan", and on the mean time prepare your whole case with your lawyer, sue for full custody (which you won't get unless she is a mess, but will get you shared custody).

 

This what he should have done, but he went there and told her his plan (why would he do that) and now everything is ruined

[CupCakess]

I found this article online, it might help you. Don't be so stupid as to leave it open on your house desktop for her to read. :love:

 

How to Get Custody as a Father? The Answer May Surprise You

[lolablue17]

Listen, guy....

 

Go to a better attorney and do everything he says. Until then make sure that you document EVERYTHING. Document her leaving the house to meet the guy, document your conversations where she tells you things. EVERYTHING. Don't pay cash, only documented money.

 

DON'T reveal anything. Don't tell her your plans, don't tell her your feelings, don't argue with her, let her think that you'll cooperate with everything she wants, without really saying much. You have to be strong and take the situation calmly now. Wait for the right moment (as your attorney decides) and then file for divorce.

 

Your situation is not bad because you work from home. If she works outside, it's great for you, because you might be considered as the main parent. The thing is she knows you plan to file, she might lie, or even quit her job. Don't let her know anything about you. Give your child best care you can give.

[MJK16]

To answer a few questions from some of you, yes she has a job. She obviously just wants money, too. Cheat, break up, try to get full custody and money on top of that. Wonderful woman.

 

 

For the record, I haven't told her anything, re: what my lawyer said. I don't even think she knows I've spoken to one. The only thing I told her is that I don't think I can stay here for as long as she wants (July!).

 

 

So I was thinking about everyone saying I should still use a VAR, even though I can't really "use" it. She has said some bad things to me in front of our child, trying to make me look bad. I'm sure the courts wouldn't enjoy hearing that. What if I text her while she is out of the house and just ask her about that. Say something like I don't think it's a good idea for us to try to influence our daughter against one another, etc. And she'll almost certainly at least admit she's been doing it, since I've seen her. Then, I'd have a (legal) record of things she's saying, right?

 

 

Also, I have not once raised my voice or swore during any of this. I am trying to act calmly and avoid any confrontations so she doesn't have anything on me.

[stillafool]

I would tell her if she wants a trial run with homeboy to go stay with him for her trial run and you keep your daughter. Then I would claim she abandoned her child and go for full custody. Yes I would play dirty, because that's what she deserves.

[MJK16]

I thought about that, sort of. I was going to suggest the trial run...not to use abandonment, but rather to then give me time to file the court order to keep my daughter in the city/state. Then, if things worked out for my ex and the guy, they'd have a big decision to make, especially if he has a career where he is. But I doubt she'd go for it; she has a job here, etc.

[LostOnes05]

Bro, I'm sorry you're going through this...She cheated, she should move out, if the place is not explicitly hers. Get a lawyer pronto to protect yourself because that contract you wrote means nothing to a court. Give her a few weeks to find a place and move. Then file for custody of your daughter to stay with you so that she doesn't have to uproot her life because of her mother. I'd also look into having this guy restricted from being around your daughter because there's a lot of things that can happen with a step parent, especially a male step parent (check some news stories if in the U.S.). Not saying he'd do anything to her but you don't know him and your ex doesn't sound like she will make sound decisions.

 

And don't let her make up the rules at this point. She cheated and broke up with you, so she's out. She doesn't get to dictate what, where, and how things happen. Go forward with what you think is best for you and your daughter. Her opinion comes last. Please don't let her stay with you, even if you have 4 floors. Just like she couldn't be faithful or truthful, do you really think this guy won't be in the house? I wish you the best of luck man. I know it's tough and it's even more complicated with a child. But whatever you do, don't let her dictate anything to you.

[MJK16]

She and I rent and are both on the lease. So, I don't think I can legally throw her out...and given the fact that she wants me to stick around until July, it is quite unlikely that she will leave voluntarily.

 

 

All I want is joint custody and keep my daughter in her school zone. She wants full custody and to move her eventually (it sounds like that, anyway). I am pretty sure I can get joint custody and keep her nearby, but I have never gone through anything like this, so I cannot assume anything and that is what is scary.

[Gr8fuln2020]

She and I rent and are both on the lease. So, I don't think I can legally throw her out...and given the fact that she wants me to stick around until July, it is quite unlikely that she will leave voluntarily.

 

 

All I want is joint custody and keep my daughter in her school zone. She wants full custody and to move her eventually (it sounds like that, anyway). I am pretty sure I can get joint custody and keep her nearby, but I have never gone through anything like this, so I cannot assume anything and that is what is scary.

 

You need to speak to a lawyer about this, if you haven't. I am curious as to how and why does your wife think you would give up custody or why she thinks that she would be able to gain FULL custody in the first place? She is the one who cheated, right? Or IS cheating...

[MJK16]

I have spoken with my lawyer about that. He laughed out loud when I told him. He said there's no chance she gets full custody and no chance she can move out of state (once we file). It's just such a punch to the gut (well, the whole thing is) to even ask for that. But maybe she's just starting high, knowing there will be negotiations...I don't know and I don't want to talk about it with her. As far as I know, she doesn't know I have a lawyer.

 

 

I just don't understand how she can want me to stay AND ask for full custody. And I don't understand why she told me that info. I'm certainly viewing this case differently now that I know her position.

 

 

The really fun part will be once I do file...while still living under the same roof haha. I know some of you have said to leave, but I don't want to leave my daughter with her. Even if my fear is unwarranted, it just feels like she would then gain some value as the primary caretaker if I'm not, you know, taking care of our daughter by being here.

 

 

I also may file a restraining order against the new guy. I have no idea who he is and she technically barely knows him. I don't want him around our daughter yet.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Not a lawyer, of course, but I wonder if there is a strong case for you to get a restraining order vs. BF w/o knowledge or ammunition to show that he is dangerous in any way.

 

Anyone know? You?

 

That would be annoying as heck for her. I'm sorry, but how old is your daughter? Has she met the other guy yet?

[oldshirt]

- I'm not sure how on the ball your attorney is. Do some looking into the VAR laws in your state. In most states you can record your own conversations without the knowledge of the other party, but it can be a little different if you have it planted somewhere where other people are being recorded without their knowledge.

 

Even if it is illegal to record your own conversations, I would do it anyway. It's not like anyone will actually go through the trouble and expense of arresting and prosecuting you for it. At most it would not be admissible in a criminal trial but that doesn't mean that if she filed an abuse complaint against you that the prosecutor would not listen to it to determine if it was worth filing abuse charges against you or not.

 

Even if it is technically illegal, the benefit of having it will likely outweigh any potential problems.

 

- restraining orders are not handed out just because you don't want someone around. You would have to show that he poses a legitimate and reasonable threat to the safety and well being of your child. Unless he is on some kind of predator list or has already posed a credible threat to your child, the chances of any kind of order against him is pretty much nil.

 

- if you are in a no-fault state, the fact that she is a cheater will have no bearing on custody or asset division.

 

- In many states the fact that you are not married will not preclude you from paternal rights so do not be afraid to pursue your paternal rights to the fullest.

 

- The less you speak to her the better. Do not disclose any of your plans or intentions. Seek actual legal advice from a competent divorce attorney and follow his/her advice. .... but do it on the downlow. Do not tip your hand to her no matter how much you want to tell her off and set her straight.

 

- She will continue to be conniving and underhanded and devious with unwaivering constancy. This is her core character and she will maintain her bad behavior throughout. she will not suddenly understand the hurt and harm she has caused and feel remorse and start to be loving and cooperative and generous - do not fool yourself into thinking she will become a nice person. Never let your guard down and never turn your back and never assume that she will do the right thing. Always assume that she will try to manipulate and stab you in the back.

[CupCakess]

First of all:

 

a) The guy is from out of state, probably married, just looking to hook up when he is in the city. So don't bother about that. She is just a moron falling for some guy that probably has no interest in her.

 

b) The best thing you can do, for now, is to go along with what she wants. Agree to what she asks, tell her it is a "good idea" so both of you can make your child believe "everything is fine". Tell her you will support her, and that she is free to do whatever she wants, but for your daugther sake, ask her to keep things private, at least for now (no inviting the guy over, etc.)

 

c) You should consult with your lawyer about hiring a PI, to have her dig dirt on her, etc. Not sure how this might help, but, if there is evidence that she is (for example) getting drunk at a bar on a tuesday at 3 am instead of being home taking care of your daugther, might have some pull on the divorce proceedings (she isn't a fit mother). Of course, this is expensive, so you should check with your lawyer first to see if this might be of any help (depends on state/country), and obviously with your finances.

 

d) Do everything your lawyer indicates.

 

e) Don't be so stupid as to tell her what you plan, don't leave papers around the house for her to find. Erase your browser history, or don't even log in to forums or e-mail account from a computer she has acces to. Change the password of every e-mail account, and of any other online account with sensitive information. Don't let her have acces to your phone, or your list of phone calls (consider getting a separate bill). Don't let her have acces to anything. And most importantly, don't let her find out you are doing this, be discreet about denying her acces: for example if she has your facebook password, do not change that, let her log in into it if she wants.

[MJK16]

Good news: today was the first day since I found out I was cheated on and lost my family that I didn't get yelled at. Progress.

 

 

I can get her to talk about pretty much anything, so I pry about her plans (full custody, etc.) and get info, which is useful. I lied and told her I haven't even gotten an attorney yet; just been researching info online. And that I'm not planning to move out anytime soon. Like you said, make her think nothing is going on behind the scenes. And of course, I know to never tell her anything about what my lawyer and I discuss or leave papers around, etc. She is going to lose her **** when she gets served, which will be horrible if I'm still here, but whatever.

 

 

Also, she now seems positive she won't move to the guy's state. Not because her daughter's father is here, but because she doesn't know anyone there. Thanks.

 

 

By the way, that would be AWESOME if the guy is married. I mean, not awesome that this happened to me. But it would be a pretty funny ending.

[Friskyone4u]

MJK,

 

Glad you seem to be feeling a bit better. But what is not awesome is that basically you are now living in a one sided open relationship that when you did not know about it was one thing but now it will be in your face on a daily basis.

 

Now until you resolve this you have agreed that she can have her boyfriend and while you have an ulterior motive understand that this kind of arrangement is not easy on the emotions. There is a pretty famous infidelity PHD who advises betrayed husbands to calmly allow their wives affairs to go on, to woo them with kindness and love, and watch them primp to go bang other men for six months or a year. But this same doctor also states in his book that most men will be unable to do this. But that is what you are going to try to do.

 

So with her attitude, you can expect she willl be taking phone calls from his while you are there, sexting him while you are in the house continuously, and getting all dressed up sexy to meet him and parading out in front of you.

Can you handle that?????? I hope so if the route you choose is to stay.

 

You might talk to your attorney and find out what the ramifications for you are if you leave the house until the divorce is final. It may not change the legal outcome but it might be a hell of a lot easier on your nerves.

 

Now go silent on her like you are, whatever you decide, and get her served as quickly as possible.

[MJK16]

Oh, I'm not staying. I just told her I don't know if/when I'm moving out. I'm waiting for the legal ball to get rolling and don't want to "abandon" my child in the meantime.

 

 

I'm sure she's constantly texting him in the bedroom; it's depressing, but the shock has worn off, honestly. I really just want to focus on both my daughter and the legal process. I've eaten very little this week, so I should probably change that.

 

 

But overall, I am feeling better, thanks. I'm still very sad about what has happened, but the intense pain has subsided. I stare at the walls a bit less every day. And my lawyer has given me a lot of confidence that this won't result in a worst-case scenario.

[SammySammy]

I have spoken with my lawyer about that. He laughed out loud when I told him. He said there's no chance she gets full custody and no chance she can move out of state (once we file). It's just such a punch to the gut (well, the whole thing is) to even ask for that. But maybe she's just starting high, knowing there will be negotiations...I don't know and I don't want to talk about it with her. As far as I know, she doesn't know I have a lawyer.

 

That's not entirely true. She can move out of state and take your daughter with her. And make it very difficult and expensive to find and get your daughter back.

 

Of course, she would be in contempt of court. But, I know that it can be done and has been done. Even after a court order. The woman in the situation I'm speaking of got away with it because the father didn't want the mother of his child arrested and thrown in jail. The custody of that child was a messy battle between the parents for many years. Long after the initial court order.

 

So, don't let that lawyer tell you she can't move out of state. She shouldn't, but she can.

[MJK16]

That's not entirely true. She can move out of state and take your daughter with her. And make it very difficult and expensive to find and get your daughter back.

 

Of course, she would be in contempt of court. But, I know that it can be done and has been done. Even after a court order. The woman in the situation I'm speaking of got away with it because the father didn't want the mother of his child arrested and thrown in jail.

 

I can't speak for the situation to which you're referring, but I assure you if the woman who snuck behind my back to pursue another guy while living with my daughter and me as a family did that...I would absolutely have her arrested.

[MJK16]

I read on another thread that the "victim" of an affair should expose it to the cheating parties' friends and family. What about in my case, since we have a child? It seems like exposing it may lead to increased antagonism, which I'm guessing should be avoided when kids are involved...?

 

 

By the way, she tried to hug me today and when I asked why, she said "Because we should be friends." She's definitely done her homework on shedding guilt.

[Friskyone4u]

I read on another thread that the "victim" of an affair should expose it to the cheating parties' friends and family. What about in my case, since we have a child? It seems like exposing it may lead to increased antagonism, which I'm guessing should be avoided when kids are involved...?

 

 

By the way, she tried to hug me today and when I asked why, she said "Because we should be friends." She's definitely done her homework on shedding guilt.

 

MJK,

 

Right now, if you have any common friends, they probably have an entirely different picture of what is causing your marital problems. She most likely has told them SHE is the victim of something. If you give a **** about that then you expose.

If there was any R on the horizon, exposing it to the OM wife is the first step. Many times the OM will dump your wife like a hot potato to save his ass and marriage.

Her asking you to be "friends" is quite disrespectful after she has just been caught cheating. Right now she is on cloud 9 because she thinks it is all going to go her way. You are leaving, she has her boyfriend, and if I read it right your attorney has not put the wheels in motion to knock her off her high horse.

So I would not put too much stock in her wanting to be friends. And do you really want to be friends with her???? Please don't say yes because of child. Being a responsible co parent does not have to include being "friends" with someone who betrayed you in the worst way imagineable.

 

From here on out, play hardball . She is NOT your friend.

[19801980]

This story is similar to mine! But from the other angle.

Edited October 31, 2016 by 19801980
I misstated something and need to alter it quickly.

[stillafool]

I read on another thread that the "victim" of an affair should expose it to the cheating parties' friends and family. What about in my case, since we have a child? It seems like exposing it may lead to increased antagonism, which I'm guessing should be avoided when kids are involved...?

 

 

By the way, she tried to hug me today and when I asked why, she said "Because we should be friends." She's definitely done her homework on shedding guilt.

 

Yes a lot of BSs tell the spouse of the AP in order to make them aware as well as break up the affair.

 

You should have pushed her off of you when she hugged you.

[MJK16]

Thanks, Frisky. To be clear, I told her I don't want to be friends when she said that. And to stillafool, I didn't push her, but when she hugged me, I didn't raise my arms. I don't need to be "nice," but I don't need to rock the boat until I have a legal plan in place. Make her think everything is going according to her plan and that nothing is going on behind the scenes.

 

 

I do not know this guy's name, so I can't find out if he is married, etc. I have a first name, a city and a job, but can't find anything else out and at this point, I care less each day.

 

 

She actually has told very few people (maybe a couple of non-mutual friends). She wants to maintain things as they are for as long as possible. My guess is if this doesn't work out, she expects to come back to me and her friends and family will never know. I already told her that isn't happening; that I am not a Plan B and the trust is gone, etc.

 

 

I don't remember if I mentioned this, but two days ago, she said she wishes she hadn't gone on the trip with her friends during which she met this guy. Gee, thanks. That's especially sweet and meaningful since you're still seeing him.

[BluesPower]

The sooner you file for divorce the better off you will be.

 

He who strikes first type of thing. She is not worth being "Friends" with in any situation.

 

I see this a lot, she must just really think you are a dumb *** the way that she is acting.

 

I hope you stick it to her, and not in a good way...