Can't decide whether to forgive or forget

[AthenaThe]

Not sure if I should be posting this in the LDR or breaking up category... My brain tells me to move on but my heart is questioning that. I just keep going over scenarios in my head of what I have to do next and how his lying and denying to me for weeks justifies that I should end it.

 

I've been in a 2.5 year relationship with a guy 3 years younger than me (I'm 28). He's sweet, thoughtful, generous, fun to be with, and cares a lot about me; he's actually been my closest friend. We've been long distance though for 1.5 years of that because I moved for work. We both kind of had ideas formed of when we were going to move in together (Me move back to his city when I got enough experience in my field to get a job there). We do get to see each other every other week, sometimes for a week at a time in the town that I live in now.

 

It just seemed like our relationship with each other deteriorated over the last few months and I hadn't quite been able to figure out what was wrong. We stopped talking, fighting more, he seemed really distant. I'd question him about it and he always responded with exasperation to my always asking the same question. A couple weeks ago, he started having UTI symptoms. I pushed him to get checked and he seemed to be putting it off until finally the other day he did. He got the results back today and they came up Chlamydia positive.

 

I was pretty shocked because he doesn't seem like the type. He also kept trying to theorize as to what might have caused it and said his doctor told him it's not really common but happens that you can get it from toilet seats and such. He kept trying to convince me that's what happened the whole day today. I tried denying it myself but it doesn't make any sense. After work, I spoke with him over the phone and said I knew he was leaving something out. He affirmed to me again that he didn't cheat or anything like that. He said he would ask his friend if he had been drunk and didn't remember something happening. It really seems strange to me that he would have that hard of a time remembering they hooked up with another woman especially considering he's never been that much of a drinker.

 

He called back later to say that his friend had told him he was wasted off his ass drunk one night and he did actually hook up with a girl. But only to 3rd base.... I don't know but it seems like he was trying to lie his way down to me the whole day. I know he's really sorry it happened and feels terrible about it but for me the worst part is the lying. The fact that he definitely did remember at least parts of that night and he still hid it from me for weeks. I cannot accept the fact that someone even as drunk as that wouldn't remember at least bits and flashes of doing something like that. He even said that his friend told him that afterwards he was crying to him about it and regretting that he betrayed me.

 

I'm not as hurt as I thought I would be. I was more angry than anything but I said I appreciated his honesty for it. I know there's nothing I can do about it now but I just want to get the ball rolling to get his stuff out of my apartment now and get it over and done with before he comes back from his shift in 2 weeks and tries to beg for me to forgive him and take him back. I'ts 2am now and I can't sleep so I decided to write about it instead of calling him. It doesn't feel real yet because I'm so shocked but I know that once it sets in, I'll be hurt and sad. Because I do really care about him and everything was about to change for us because I applied for a job I'm sure to get in his city. We were planning on moving in together and getting a dog.

 

So I just don't know how to think about this. Am I being to harsh and defeatist about it all? Or should I stick to my integrity and realize that it was headed in a bad direction if that even happened in the first place and wasn't going to work anyway?

[MsJayne]

Oooh, ouch, I felt sad reading that. I think you're doing the right thing. Trust has been destroyed and that's very hard to come back from. I always lose respect for someone if they think they can lie and get away with it, I feel embarrassed for them. The only reason you found out that he's been playing around is because he caught something, I would be forever wondering how many other times has he done it and got away with it? Stick to your integrity, it will be a painful time for you but you deserve better. Good luck, stay strong even when the heartbreak is at it's peak.

[lazcas]

Do you really think de didn't remember anything? He only was trying to justify his actions. It would be bad for you to be with a guy who loses his pants when he drinks. At least for now you need to get away from him and heal, later on you will have more clear if you definitely don't want him back in your life. The man is a big big liar and a coward that didn't have the consideration to at least come clean and tell the whole truth from the beginning.

[Rockdad]

Ah! The old standby excuse, "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing."

 

My wife asked me why men say that when they know it's not going to work. My answer was we know it's lame but that's all we got.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, please. He knows he had sex with someone else. He didn't "forget" that. And he wouldn't have told you had he not caught an STI. He was hoping he'd get away with it, and now he's trying to gaslight you in believing that he had to ask a friend if he screwed another girl. That's a crock of BS I can smell from here.

 

That is the real reason you sensed something was off with him even before this revelation. He cheated, he knew it, and it probably didn't happen the way he says it did. For all you know, he's been sleeping with someone else for a little while. If he were truly sorry that he cheated, he wouldn't have tried to lie to you and minimize what he did. That isn't remorse, and it sure as heck isn't love.

 

Sorry OP, I know this is very painful. But this guy isn't the boyfriend you thought he was. I would bet any money there is more he still hasn't told you, and you're crazy to question whether you're being too harsh. You're not. Who knows how many times he's done this? He showed you he's not committed to you and doesn't respect you enough to be honest.

 

I would be done with him forever. And get yourself tested, too. You don't know what he has exposed you to.

[justwhoiam]

I think he wanted to tell you. Think about it. He could have just hidden the STI, the symptoms, the infidelity. He didn't. Maybe it was in fear to pass something onto you. Maybe in fear it would come up in some way and he didn't want you to get to know it in other ways. Whatever the reason, he could have just not said anything, keeping you in the dark about everything, because you're far away. So that was something.

 

The second thing that comes to mind for me is what this young guy is going to learn from this experience.

1) That you don't need to do such shady things behind someone's back?

or

2) No matter what, just deny (like most men do), because admission to his own faults just didn't work, or even will make matters worse.

So in short, the next time, instead of breaking down and admitting to doing something he shouldn't have done, he will just keep the lie going.

 

At this point, you might think: whatever, that's none of my business at this point. It will be some other woman's business. But if we look at this more from a society point of view, then I think this point shouldn't be ignored.

 

Am I being too harsh?

I don't think so. Don't question yourself about your initial response. You reacted with dignity.

 

should I stick to my integrity and realize that it was headed in a bad direction if that even happened in the first place and wasn't going to work anyway?

I think some people just stray once and never more, and others have a history of that repeating continuously. We don't know anything about him to judge what kind of guy he is and what man he will be in the future. Your story didn't describe a very promising start.

I guess, if I were in your shoes, I would try to understand more about what happened (how long it went on, why, etc.). These are hurtful things to discover, but you might learn something in the end, like how to spot certain suspicious behaviors, etc.

 

Good luck

[Zuur]

Forgive, but never forget!

 

Doesn't mean you have to take him back though, the way you describe him he seems, irrisponsible to say the least.

 

What happens the next time, he robs a bank and says he was wasteeeed, it's still his responsibility.

 

I think everyone deserves a second chance though, 2 of these and he is out imo

[Gr8fuln2020]

Forgive, but never forget!

 

Doesn't mean you have to take him back though, the way you describe him he seems, irrisponsible to say the least.

 

What happens the next time, he robs a bank and says he was wasteeeed, it's still his responsibility.

 

Agreed.

 

 

I think everyone deserves a second chance though, 2 of these and he is out imo

 

Depending on the transgression. This was/is HUGE.

[niji]

Chlamydia and some other STDs are often asymptomatic in women. You can/should read more about them when you have the time. Please get checked out ASAP OP; these STDs are easily cured, but if left uncured, their consequences are large (infertility, pelvic inflammation, etc). Just be thankful that he told you about this infection, indirectly leading to you finding out, otherwise you would have been stuck in a relationship covered up with lies and not finding out until it's too late. After all this crap, at least there's one good thing: you've dodged a bullet for life. You deserve so, so much better.

[Gr8fuln2020]

@AthenaThe.

 

Ultimately you make the final decision. But I see only bad things here and not only involving his behavior/actions. Yours as well...

 

You said: I'm not as hurt as I thought I would be. I was more angry than anything but I said I appreciated his honesty for it.

 

What honesty??? He spent the better of weeks lying and denying. He finally had to fess-up b/c the evidence began to mount against him. WHAT PART OF HIS HONESTY DO YOU APPRECIATE EXACTLY? AND WHY?

 

You said: He's sweet, thoughtful, generous, fun to be with, and cares a lot about me; he's actually been my closest friend.

 

You can add: Get's crap-faced drunk, no self-control sexually, lies about remembering events after drinking AND sleeps with other girls....oh has VD. You've had sex with him since, right? Get yourself checked.

 

You said: ...his doctor told him it's not really common but happens that you can get it from toilet seats and such. He kept trying to convince me that's what happened the whole day today. I tried denying it myself but it doesn't make any sense. After work, I spoke with him over the phone and said I knew he was leaving something out. He affirmed to me again that he didn't cheat or anything like that. He said he would ask his friend if he had been drunk and didn't remember something happening. It really seems strange to me that he would have that hard of a time remembering they hooked up with another woman especially considering he's never been that much of a drinker.

 

He gravitated towards the doctor's unusal explanation and firmly denied cheating on you. You pressed him on it, he's been defensive.

 

HE HAS TO ASK HIS FRIEND IF HE HOOKED UP???? Even better, HE ASKED HIS FRIEND IF HE HAD BEEN DRUNK AND ENGAGED IN SOMETHING HE COULD'NT REMEMBER???!

 

Either you don't know his drinking ways as well as you think, or you do and HE FLAT OUT LIED...AGAIN.

 

You said: Because I do really care about him and everything was about to change for us because I applied for a job I'm sure to get in his city. We were planning on moving in together and getting a dog.

 

I think your future-plans, talk, anticipation is keeping you from seeing the full picture and making him into something he is not.

 

May I ask what you do and what he does? Does he have his own bachelor pad, apartment? House?