Boyfriend Cheated on me w/ bestfriend

[broken95]

Needing advice. Okay so here it goes. Its been 10 months since I found out that I had been cheated on. Its a long story so I will start from the beginning.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, this past year I decided we should try an open relationship, more so for him and not me. I would find the girls and then he would hook up with them and it really helped with our sex life. Of course there were rules such as: no friends, it was planned before hand, and it was a one and done thing. No one multiple times so feelings didn't get involved.

 

After awhile I decided I wanted to try it as well.. I asked him if i could sleep with his best friend the same night he was going out to sleep with a girl I had picked.. He said to go ahead, So i did.

 

After that is when things fell apart, he felt betrayed that I slept with his best friend and wanted to test me as to see if I would. He was upset at the fact that I had told him numerous times I did not want to sleep with other people and then sprang it on him one night and did it the same night...

 

He broke up with me instantly and made me pack my bags and move out. We stayed broken up for about a month and a half.

 

He got into drinking quite heavy and started lying to me, Id find out he was lying by hacking his fb and going through his texts. After a night where he had been drinking and I had hacked his fb I seen he invited a girl over to sleepover.. obviously know what adult sleepovers mean.. it was on new years and not even 2hrs before hand he had told me he was ready to start mending our relationship and working to rebuild us. I of course was grateful for the 2nd chance until he invited this girl over. He lied to my face about it and when I told him I had seen the messages he kicked me out.

 

the next day he apologized and insisted he was too drunk to even realize what he was doing ( he was very intoxicated this night). He asked for a few days by himself for me to not speak to him, text him or show up at his house.. I agreed. After the few days he took me on an amazing date... spilled his feelings about how hurt he was and how he didn't handle it in the right way. He said we would work on things and I could start to move my things back in.

 

about a week later while I was on a night shift he asked me about all the details of that night I slept with his best friend, since we have never kept things from each other so I had thought I told him every detail..

 

The next morning I received a fb message from my best friends sister inlaw stating her brother had walked in on my boyfriend and his girlfriend (aka my best friend).. no details were given. I confronted him right then and there, he swore up and down they were lying and that he had been at home texting me all night ( which he was texting me all night) so i believed him because we have never kept things from one another.

 

The next day my best friend confessed that it was my boyfriend she was caught with. She refused to tell me anything and so did my boyfriend.. i felt so betrayed and as if my stomach had just gotten a sudden stomach flu, i felt so sick and so confused. The person I had been with for 5 years I couldn't imagine he could ever do this to me. After an hour of a yelling match my boyfriend agreed to tell me what happened.

 

His story is " he was hurt, and didn't want to be in the room that his best friend and I had slept in.. so he went for a drive. When my best friend texted him saying that he could come hang out if he wanted to so he did. when he arrived they sat on the couch for a few minutes discussing life and what not and then she stated it was too loud in the living room and to come to her daughters room, he followed, he stated the door was open but no light was turned on but there was lights from outside and inside that brightened up the room, he stated she asked how we were doing and he spoke highly of us, saying I was moving back in and we were working on things, he then asked where her boyfriend was and she got defensive and upset asking why it mattered where he was.. he stated she then put her hand inside his pants and undid his button and began to give him oral sex.

 

He says he froze and did not know what to do, he said he felt scared and didn't understand what was going on until her boyfriend walked in. He said he snapped out of it and yelled at her and asked why she would do that. He stated he lied about it and didn't tell me because he wanted me to be finished my last day of work before telling me so I wouldn't be sitting at work thinking about it the whole time and so we could talk without me having to leave for work.

 

Now her story has changed a few times saying he kissed her then they went into the bedroom to have sex, her other story was that they just kissed and the other was they had planned it all night and had been texting about it. Im so lost on who and what to believe.

 

Its been 10 months and all i do is obsess over it. We talk about it constantly. its destroying me... he is truly my best friend and I don't want to give up but I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I want to believe him because he has never done this to me before, but I also make myself believe her because what did she have to lose by telling the truth ? just a friend... I guess what I'm getting at is I need advice as to what to do and who to believe. She has always hit on him infront of me and I never confronted her about it because .. she's honestly a very ugly girl lol and my boyfriend and I had been so close that we would make fun of her about it when it was just him and I around, and he has had a chance to have a 3 sum with the 2 of us and turned it down. But at the end of the day.. I still feel like he is lying.

Edited October 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs and spacing ~6

[gorf]

Ill sum it up: you dated for 5 years, then the relationship opened up to 'others.' You can have put in tons of rules surrounding, or reasons for doing it. But the bottom line, is the relationship that was once between you and him opened up to you and him and others. In doing this, for you two.. any many many others that choose to go the open 'arrangement' rout, the trust that bound you two together was lost and unfortunately neither of you will likely get it back and have things as it were before. That is what you need to focus on right now as you decide what you want with him from here on

Edited October 26, 2016 by gorf

[broken95]

Thats my biggest battle is being so back and forth with if I can forgive or not. It would honestly be a completely different story if it was not hidden and lied about. I just feel like I look stupid for staying now..

[sandylee1]

Why did you sleep with his best friend when you had the no friends rule for him?

 

Too much has happened here and it's time to move along

with your life. You agreed to an open relationship for him. You alone weren't enough for him sexually.

 

If you are getting back with him, don't move into his house and give him the chance to throw you out every time you have an argument.

 

Put this one down to experience and don't ever agree to things you're not happy with in your relationship.

[stillafool]

[]

 

You broke the rules first by sleeping with his best friend, even with his permission. Did you not understand the rules or they didn't apply to you? I feel your so called best friend told you the truth that they planned to have sex and in my mind your bf did it to even out the score. He probably didn't want you to find out but for him just knowing for himself that he settled the score. Hey at this point fair exchange is no robbery. The way you two are handling your sex lives what difference does it make if he's lying or not at this point.

Edited October 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted long quote of original post ~6

[eightytwenty]

You slept with his best friend, he slept with yours. He got you back so you would know how he felt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would call it the end of the relationship. Break it and move on with life

[Space Ritual]

But at the end of the day.. I still feel like he is lying.

 

 

You are both lying...to yourselves and each other.

 

Open relationships take 2 things for sure. Trust and Honesty.

 

You two have neither.

 

Frankly neither of you are actually emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. much less an open one.

 

I would advise you to stay single for a good while as well as your boyfriend do the same. So you aren't toxic to the next person you have a relationship with.

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is over and has been for a while.

 

It's time to go your separate ways.

[smackie9]

You didn't break any rules by sleeping with his friend.....being given permission trumps the no friends rule. He had every opportunity to say no. HE agreed to it.

 

He wasn't testing you. What happened was he never thought it would lead to him being so jealous, he couldn't get a handle on his emotions. Instead of taking responsibility for his mistake, he came up with a lame explanation to place blame on you. In fact I doubt this has anything to do with it being his friend I feel he would have gotten messed up if it was some random guy. Sure it's ok for him to have other women, but he isn't OK with you being with other guys.

 

He just can't handle this arrangement when it was your turn to be with someone else....instead of manning up and admitting his jealousy and his inability to handle such arrangement, he acted out like a total jerk, self destructing.

 

Open relationships are not for everyone.

 

I agree there is nothing to salvage, it's long done.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

You opened Pandora's Box.

 

There's no turning back, dear.

 

Break up and move on. There is no trust in your relationship and getting it back will be damn near impossible. Cut your losses and move on.