How do you deal with a crazy mother?

[blue_daisy]

My mom is erratic, emotional and two-faced. She's 60 this year and she bursts into anger a lot of times. There was one night where she got really mad because we started eating without her and she went on a silent rampage by banging plates and bowls. I know it was our fault for not waiting for her. But there was this time in the past when I purposely waited for her for dinner and when she saw me not eating she started to scold me for waiting.

 

After the silent rampage she stormed into her room and sent a message to our chat group, saying she was "sorry" and gave her reasons for her outbursts and she said stuff about "taking for granted", "being united", "helping one another", "being harmonious and grateful". I know I'm being an ungrateful little prick now but whenever she tries to be apologetic or caring, she only does via chat. Never through words from mouth. In the past, my brother complained that my parents never say out words of love and affirmation, and her excuse was because "they're Asians" and "that's what Asians do". And now everything feels so fake and full of pretense. At home we're so moody and grumpy and sullen, when we're outside, we're cheerful and happy with friends.

 

I feel so... hypocritical.

 

My dad? He's just around and invisible. He silently does his stuff and keeps quiet to whatever happens around the house.

 

I feel like I'm going nuts. What should I do? I want to move out but that's gonna cost a bomb.

[darkmoon]

your mother is unhappily married, my two cents, sorry

 

treat her as you would treat a difficult room-mate, an equal, lose the child perspective and just be polite

 

you have your whole life to lead, plans to make, she is unluckier than you

Edited October 26, 2016 by darkmoon

[mikeylo]

Menopause? My wife gets a bit irritated these days. She went to doctor , had a thorough check up done, mostly behavior changes. Tunes out she is on her way to menopause. Diet and exercise will help her.

[Herbalist]

My mother has always been similar. A therapist I used to see told me that my mother might have borderline personality disorder, which was to explain the way one thing could make her upset, but then trying to do it the way she wanted would still make her upset. Like constantly opposite day. And also the ways in which she would not express herself directly but just with things like banging dishes or slamming doors (my mother does the same thing). Also the two-faced thing, as well, was called triangulation, and then the switches from being very nice to seeming hateful was called splitting. Also that some people have some traits and it is on a spectrum, and you can't really diagnose someone but just notice some signs.

 

So the way I found to deal with it emotionally was to just try to separate myself from it emotionally. Which of course is easier said than done. But as an example if my mother is in a bad mood, she wants everyone to feel bad, and tries to start **** with everyone. So in that case it is best to not take the bait and just be passive and simple in responses, and tell myself that something is happening in her mind but it's not about the rest of us. But yes some things are still more difficult if it was this way when you were growing up, as well. I still jump in my skin and get anxiety spikes in my chest when I hear my mother slamming things, even though I am a fully grown adult and shouldn't be scared of her anymore.

 

Also don't give up on moving out, even if it takes a long time. I know, I work minimum wage and it is taking forever to save up, but it will be worth it.

[pureinheart]

Something is frustrating your mom big time.. justified or not it's how she feels. She probably does the chat thing because she doesn't know how to say what she needs to say in person.

 

My advice would be to validate her by initiating an in person conversation... hey you only have one mother and one father so hang in there and try not to let all of this get to you... if you can detach possibly, that might help in being effective and encouraging. .

 

I know things seem heavy now, try to remember that you cannot change that or how another person feels... be ok with that if possible.

 

Best of luck to you and your family!!!!

[SammySammy]

At some point, we have to stop interacting with our parents as children and establish an adult relationship with them.

 

Nothing shows your parents that you are an adult on equal footing like moving out of their house and successfully living on your own. I know it's costly, but it might be worthwhile for you and your parents.

 

Next, I think all successful relationships need ground rules. Appropriate boundaries dictating how we treat and communicate with each other. These ground rules are often most difficult to establish with your mother. May take a long time before you can create an environment where you can be caring, compassionate, understanding and honest with each other. As equals. With both of you being able to express what you think and feel in a constructive manner.

 

My mother is not crazy, but she is demanding. Nothing I do is ever good enough for her. For my own sanity, through my behavior, I have to let her know we communicate best when we're respectful and considerate of each other. Particularly when she wants to see me as her little boy who she can tell what to do. Things like that I have to continually reinforce, gently but firmly, to keep the relationship healthy for both of us.

 

Relationships are like plants. You have to keep watering and pruning to keep it healthy. Making sure it gets the right amount of time in the sun. If it ever reaches a static state, it's dead.

 

So, don't feel bad about making adjustment over time. It's necessary as you both grow.

[michaelm700]

My mom did crazy **** too. She called the police saying my dad was trying to poison her and an ambulance almost once a week for a while, plus lots of stuff like you're describing.

 

She suffered from manic depression and biploarism. Both medical, clinical conditions. She was not responsible for any of it. I mean who could be?

 

I know it's really hard sometimes as it is usually met with hostility anyway as that's the deal, but always be positive and supportive and don't take any of her negative comments or ti raids personally or seriously, just ignore it and humor her. Your support will help calm her (though she may try to intentionally stir things up, but don't bite) and the drama is just an illusion.

[angel.eyes]

Sorry, but it's rude and thoughtless to chow down before the person who prepared the meal sits down at the table. Would you ever do that to your friends? Go to a meal at their house, sit down, and start digging in while they're still putting pots in the sink or dishwasher? Treat your mother with the same respect and consideration that you would your friends. Did you compliment some aspect of the meal? Is that something you would have done if your friends had cooked?

 

Try to be a little bit more thoughtful and empathetic. If you try to look at things from the other person's perspective, and not just your own, you'll often appreciate why the person is reacting the way he or she does.

 

Once you move out, you'll realize how much she actually does do for you that you take for granted.That's hard to appreciate since you've always lived at home. Moving out will be the healthiest thing you do for your relationship with her.

[Herbalist]

Sorry, but it's rude and thoughtless to chow down before the person who prepared the meal sits down at the table. Would you ever do that to your friends? Go to a meal at their house, sit down, and start digging in while they're still putting pots in the sink or dishwasher? Treat your mother with the same respect and consideration that you would your friends. Did you compliment some aspect of the meal? Is that something you would have done if your friends had cooked?

 

Try to be a little bit more thoughtful and empathetic. If you try to look at things from the other person's perspective, and not just your own, you'll often appreciate why the person is reacting the way he or she does.

 

Once you move out, you'll realize how much she actually does do for you that you take for granted.That's hard to appreciate since you've always lived at home. Moving out will be the healthiest thing you do for your relationship with her.

 

Whoa chill. It is not about that. It is about how some people are primed for conflict and constantly flip flop on what they claim they want in order to constantly create conflict. My mother is the same way as what the OP describes, even some of the same examples.

 

Like even recently on a family vacation, she was not feeling so well and so she slept in on a day when we were planning to go out. So we all waited for her to wake up and see how she was feeling instead of going out without her. But when she woke up she talked trash at us for waiting for her and called us "losers" for not going without her. But then at other times she would also be mad if we went without her.

 

That is what is stressful and dysfunctional, is when people are always mad no matter what but will try to make you feel like it is your fault. Anyone could be this way whether it is your romantic partner, your boss or your parent.

 

Maybe you are projecting a little bit if you are telling others to be thoughtful and have empathy but you can't even bother to actually read the issue and consider how it affects someone.

[angel.eyes]

Who exactly is projecting here?

 

The OP provided one example. Thanks for elaborating with examples of what your mother does to you, but those weren't examples provided by the OP. That would be you projecting your family's dysfunction on to the example that was provided. I responded to her example. Diving into the meal before the person who prepared it can sit down is...mannerless...at best.

 

Do you normally scarf your food down like a pack of ravenous wolves before the person who prepared the meal even has a chance to sit down at the table? That is rude! I can't imagine doing that to my mom (or my dad) when they go to the trouble of preparing a meal. We've always waited until everyone was settled at the table. Ditto when I had a meal at the parents of my friends. That was true when I lived at home and now that my friends and I all live on our own.

 

A little courtesy and consideration when people do things for you goes a long way.

 

Besides, if her mother is that irritating and impossible to live with, move out already. We don't get to have it both ways. If she's unwilling to live independently because she doesn't feel like footing her own living expenses, then deal with her mother's irritation at their thoughtlessness. No one is forcing her to live there.

 

Out of curiosity, who paid for that vacation where you describe your mother being difficult?

[anika99]

Who exactly is projecting here?

 

The OP provided one example. Thanks for elaborating with examples of what your mother does to you, but those weren't examples provided by the OP. That would be you projecting your family's dysfunction on to the example that was provided. I responded to her example. Diving into the meal before the person who prepared it can sit down is...mannerless...at best.

 

Do you normally scarf your food down like a pack of ravenous wolves before the person who prepared the meal even has a chance to sit down at the table? That is rude! I can't imagine doing that to my mom (or my dad) when they go to the trouble of preparing a meal. We've always waited until everyone was settled at the table. Ditto when I had a meal at the parents of my friends. That was true when I lived at home and now that my friends and I all live on our own.

 

A little courtesy and consideration when people do things for you goes a long way.

 

Besides, if her mother is that irritating and impossible to live with, move out already. We don't get to have it both ways. If she's unwilling to live independently because she doesn't feel like footing her own living expenses, then deal with her mother's irritation at their thoughtlessness. No one is forcing her to live there.

 

Out of curiosity, who paid for that vacation where you describe your mother being difficult?

 

But the OP did provide a very similar example to herbalists example.

OP said in the past when she has waited for her mother to eat, her mother scolded her for waiting. So basically she is scolded either way. Then her mother goes on some group chat and starts passively aggressively complaining there, instead of talking face to face with her kids like a mature person. I don't think this is a dinner etiquette problem, I think the mother has some issues with being passive/aggressive and emotional immaturity.

[SpiralOut]

I agree that this is not about table manners. The real issue is communication. The mother has problems expressing her feelings. She expresses her anger passive-aggressively, and she can't apologize face-to-face. The OP also said that her mother never says "I love you" to her or her brother. I'm not trying to demonize her when I say that, just pointing out that it's probably hard for her kids to feel close to her.

 

The flip-flopping is part of the problem too. OP, is it a regular thing for your mother to change her mind about what she wants?

 

Try to be a little bit more thoughtful and empathetic. If you try to look at things from the other person's perspective, and not just your own, you'll often appreciate why the person is reacting the way he or she does.

 

The OP is not responsible for the way another person reacts. And if his mother reacts this way every time she feels offended (which she often does) that makes her a difficult person to live with. Nobody should have to tip toe around acting as thoughtful and empathetic as possible in order to avoid an angry outburst. His mother's reaction was waaay out of proportion to what happened. Simply saying "hey, could you please wait for me next time? I don't like it when you start eating without me," would have opened up the lines of communication.

Edited November 5, 2016 by SpiralOut

[Miss Clavel]

then why live with her? you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

in my house, where the orphans live without paying rent or doing much in the way of cleaning and laundry, we have an over timer, which i set to five mins. the other person sits and listens to the rant, without interjecting.

 

i recommend it to everyone. sometimes people just want to talk and get it out without someone telling them that how they feel is wrong. without them trying to "fix" the feelings.

 

if your mom uses a "chat app" to state her feelings and give her apologies, then use it to ask her if you can eat or if you should wait. hell, i'd use it all day long since that is the mode she seems to be the most comfortable with.

 

if i was starving that bad and i had a yo yo mom who never reacts the same way twice in a row, not to mention one that expects me to be a mind reader and a psychic predictor of her moods, i'd just shove some food in my mouth, enough to keep me from fainting, swallow it, and then wait for her.

 

before i'd wait all day for someone who "says" they don't want to go with us, i'd wake her ass up and get her to SAY it, putting it on her, and then leave her there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

good luck

Edited November 7, 2016 by Miss Clavel

[fromheart]

My mom is erratic, emotional and two-faced. She's 60 this year and she bursts into anger a lot of times. There was one night where she got really mad because we started eating without her and she went on a silent rampage by banging plates and bowls. I know it was our fault for not waiting for her. But there was this time in the past when I purposely waited for her for dinner and when she saw me not eating she started to scold me for waiting.

 

After the silent rampage she stormed into her room and sent a message to our chat group, saying she was "sorry" and gave her reasons for her outbursts and she said stuff about "taking for granted", "being united", "helping one another", "being harmonious and grateful". I know I'm being an ungrateful little prick now but whenever she tries to be apologetic or caring, she only does via chat. Never through words from mouth. In the past, my brother complained that my parents never say out words of love and affirmation, and her excuse was because "they're Asians" and "that's what Asians do". And now everything feels so fake and full of pretense. At home we're so moody and grumpy and sullen, when we're outside, we're cheerful and happy with friends.

 

I feel so... hypocritical.

 

My dad? He's just around and invisible. He silently does his stuff and keeps quiet to whatever happens around the house.

 

I feel like I'm going nuts. What should I do? I want to move out but that's gonna cost a bomb.

 

 

The best way to deal with your parents once you yourself are an adult, is to not live with them.

 

That way, when they drive you crazy you can quite simply go back to your own space and your own life, and then either solve the situation or let it pass, whatever action is the most appropriate.

 

To live with your parents as an adult in incredibly unhealthy for you and them.

 

Take steps to get out of there as soon as possible.