jerrygordon3 Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Soooo I have a two year ex who ... there's a lot of history but she's always been cool hitting me or at least pushing me and slamming into walls... the last time she got physical over something trivial it was the typical scenario where a trite conversation topic lead to a three hour long debate where she just won't let it go and ends up sobbing and pleading with me... to talk to her more... and I'm like... woman I need to sleep thanks for the three hour nightmare and the usual dramatic night. But the last time she got physical she was crying and using her body to keep me from leaving and kept slamming me into furniture for twenty to thirty minutes this went on. Her five year old woke up and was watching her. Last night the same thing happened but the second she pushed me/ thumped on my chest I smacked her across the face. Something I've ever done. After that she got out of my way and let me leave, and besides never wanting to see her again I guess I'm trying to understand if what I did was terribly wrong and am I an abusive man now? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Sounds pretty egalitarian, right? A woman slugs you, why not slug them back. Sounds pretty much like self-defense. But here's the reality: you place yourself in great legal jeopardy by hitting a woman, even if she hit you first. It doesn't necessarily make you a terrible person or an abuser, but it may make you stupid. But you'd be even more stupid to ever speak with her again. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Yes it was wrong and yes you are abusive. She is also abusive, but this question is about you. It seems like you have poor judgement, participating in 30 minute long physical fights with a woman, in front of a 5 year old kid, on a longterm basis. Why? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Soooo I have a two year ex who ... there's a lot of history but she's always been cool hitting me or at least pushing me and slamming into walls... the last time she got physical over something trivial it was the typical scenario where a trite conversation topic lead to a three hour long debate where she just won't let it go and ends up sobbing and pleading with me... to talk to her more... and I'm like... woman I need to sleep thanks for the three hour nightmare and the usual dramatic night. But the last time she got physical she was crying and using her body to keep me from leaving and kept slamming me into furniture for twenty to thirty minutes this went on. Her five year old woke up and was watching her. Last night the same thing happened but the second she pushed me/ thumped on my chest I smacked her across the face. Something I've ever done. After that she got out of my way and let me leave, and besides never wanting to see her again I guess I'm trying to understand if what I did was terribly wrong and am I an abusive man now? A man should not strike a woman in anger ever. And, that is for your own protection as well as hers. Like it or not, men are stronger and the legal system recognizes that in a big way. What she did is wrong and doing that with a 5 year old within earshot is completely and totally inappropriate. I think you should apologize and then tell her you are leaving the relationship because she has created an environment where you cannot trust yourself and don't want to be in that position. The fact is that she is abusive and immature as well. This is an unsuitable environment for her son and you should frame it that way. Accept accountability for yourself and let her know she has accountability as well and there are consequences for that . . . 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerrygordon3 Posted October 26, 2016 Author Share Posted October 26, 2016 For the record the in front of her kid thing- only happened one time and I vowed never to see her again. She was standing in the doorway slamming me in the chest and cryin because I was trying to leave and woke her kid up. I was mortified. Then I tried to move her with my body weight and she grabbed my phone and shattered it against the salll. Last night I started seeing the same thing happening. She slammed me in the chest. I smacked her cheek. I smacked it fairly hard but I think it surprised her more than hurt but I'm a decently sized man. 200 pounds. I've just never struck any woman before and it worries me that I got pushed to that extreme. And she's been hitting me for two years. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 I'm a decently sized man. 200 pounds. Is she a giant weight lifter? It's quite a feat to slam a 200 pound man into furniture, push him around and block him from leaving a room for a half an hour. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 You're only entitled to defend yourself w force commensurate to the level of the threat. (You can't punch someone who yells at you to defend yourself, you can't shoot someone who punches you, etc.) So it's not a tit-for-tat thing where you can justify it just by saying she hit you so she deserves to be hit back. She has to pose a tangible threat to your well-being for you to be justified in stopping it with force. If she's Rhonda Rousey than maybe this "slamming" you into the walls and so on would qualify as a tangible threat, but I suspect the reality is her attacks were superficial and never posed any real threat to you, in which case your only appropriate course of action would be to leave the area. Which is what you should have not, not hit her. All that said, it sounds like she was trying to get you to hit her, which is sth a lot of troubled women do to try to gain an emotional bargaining chip. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Why did you let her continue to hit you for two years? Was there not a non-physical way you could have been diffusing these situations over all that time? Why stay with someone who is willing to physically assault you for that long? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 This is why you don't allow a woman to be abusive toward you - physically or verbally abusive. We can try to analyze what happened. Try to determine what to call this or that. Figure out who is more right or wrong. Still, the bottom line is neither of you should have been treated that way. And neither should have allowed yourself to be treated that way. This idea that a man should never hit a woman is detrimental to both sexes. Especially when women think they should be able to hit men and get away with it. And when men think the "manly" thing to do is to tolerate it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerrygordon3 Posted October 26, 2016 Author Share Posted October 26, 2016 We are both competitive athletes. So ya she can shove me off balance into a wall and unless I actually use hard force it's not possible to get past her and when I tried I grabbed her arms and tried to move her and she threatened to call the police then kept pushing me Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 We are both competitive athletes. So ya she can shove me off balance into a wall and unless I actually use hard force it's not possible to get past her and when I tried I grabbed her arms and tried to move her and she threatened to call the police then kept pushing me You're trying to justify slapping her but you can't. You know you're stronger than her. But you couldn't get around her because she threatened to call the police? But that same threat didn't stop you from slapping her. You're both abusive. Stop messing around with this woman unless you're ready to go to jail and slap some inmates who can actually give you a run for your money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 The main thing is that now that you've gotten away, don't ever go back. Putting yourself in a hostile environment isn't smart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 See, this is the type of thing I'm talking about. Putting her hands on you and then threatening to get YOU arrested. That's unconscionable. If you had never let her get away with that type of behavior, you wouldn't be in this situation. I don't even let women talk to me crazy, much less put their hands on me. If we can't have a relationship without being abusive toward each other, then we don't need to have a relationship at all. I know this doesn't apply to your current situation, but it's something you could consider in the future. Abuse is always a deal breaker for me and a reason to cut someone loose in a hurry. Don't mess around with stuff like this because it can lead to your reputation being damaged, you being arrested, or, worse, seriously injured or killed. A good friend of mine was stabbed in the heart by a girl he let hit him. He bled out on the floor before the ambulance arrived. All from putting up with someone who thought it was okay to hit him and threaten him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Yes, you can officially call yourself abusive now. Yikes. It was not ok for her to abuse you, but it's certainly not an eye for an eye type situation. Didn't you learn in kindergarten that you don't hit people? This relationship is beyond toxic and you two need to stay the eff away from each other. Like forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkPampies Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 I disagree that he's abusive. Reverse the roles. If he were a woman and a man was pushing her and shoving her for two years and she finally had enough, and slapped him back, would that make her abusive? No. It makes her at her wits end hopefully and truncates the relationship permanently. Op, hopefully you learned from this situation to spit this behavior a mile away and walk away in the future. Maybe now she won't assault anyone again or put her hands on anyone as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 It's done. It wasn't a good idea. She sounds abusive and you have just dropped to her level. Just don't engage with anyone who attacks you like that. It's not right for her to push and shove you and it's not right for you to hit her either. If she behaves like this, leave her. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 I disagree that he's abusive. Reverse the roles. If he were a woman and a man was pushing her and shoving her for two years and she finally had enough, and slapped him back, would that make her abusive? If she is bigger and stronger than he is, yes. But slapping back someone who is bigger and stronger than YOU are is just stupid. Yes, he was abusive by smacking her. That doesn't erase the fact that SHE was abusive, but now he has stooped to her level. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 What she did was abusive and you should be seriously thinking about ending your relationship is this kind of drama is typical. But you are bigger, and you and stronger. You are never justified for hitting your girlfriend back. Walk away! Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 I disagree. He defended himself. I am gender neutral on any combative behavior. He doesn't need to apologize to the aggressor. He needs to leave and accept that she is one step away from assault and battery charges. My son was beat up by some gang, he swung one time ,the officer never once said my son was in the wrong...neither did the courts. He was defending himself from the assault. Same rule applies. Females are not given a free pass to harm. Period. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
266696687 Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 I disagree. He defended himself. I am gender neutral on any combative behavior. He doesn't need to apologize to the aggressor. He needs to leave and accept that she is one step away from assault and battery charges. My son was beat up by some gang, he swung one time ,the officer never once said my son was in the wrong...neither did the courts. He was defending himself from the assault. Same rule applies. Females are not given a free pass to harm. Period. Totally agreee. You are allowed to defend yourself if someone is attacking you regardless of gender or size. She was attacking him and preventing him from leaving. He responded after prolonged abuse to defend himself. He has done nothing wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Go read this guy's many threads on this awful relationship. The real problem is that they continue to stay in each other's lives despite the piles of evidence that they are both in serious need of some time away from relationships and some investment in individual counseling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 (edited) For the record the in front of her kid thing- only happened one time and I vowed never to see her again. She was standing in the doorway slamming me in the chest and cryin because I was trying to leave and woke her kid up. I was mortified. Then I tried to move her with my body weight and she grabbed my phone and shattered it against the salll. Last night I started seeing the same thing happening. She slammed me in the chest. I smacked her cheek. I smacked it fairly hard but I think it surprised her more than hurt but I'm a decently sized man. 200 pounds. I've just never struck any woman before and it worries me that I got pushed to that extreme. And she's been hitting me for two years. Jerry, this sounds beyond toxic. One of you two will end up in jail... and if I was a betting person I'd say it will be you- that's how it rolls. My ex and his now ex-wife used to trip out like this. One time they really got into it and he broke stuff all over their house. She started to beat on him and to protect himself he threw her (or something like that).. cops came and guess who went to jail. For over 4 months w/anger management classes that were expensive once a week. This will not go over very well, although IMO if a chick feels like she's bad*** enough to hit on a guy... well, be bad enough to take what you might get. I've seen chicks take advantage of their femaleness and purposefully provoke guys... it's messed up if you ask me. Guys please do not hit chicks back even if they go off on you first, guaranteed it will not turn out well for you.. just STAY AWAY from these types at all costs! Good luck Jerry... Edited October 28, 2016 by pureinheart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 With the recent changes in same sex marriages and transgender, you will be intrigued to see how the courts will be less gender empathic. It will now balance out. Each action will be weighed. Each adult accountable. More persons (particularly males) are being more active in coming forth on such issues of marital battering where they are the victim... Times they are a changing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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