He finally left her...

[seeingthelight]

I've been going crazy.

I wanted to go to a therapist to talk this out but worried about privacy and judgement. So I find myself here...

I met my husband when I was 17, and married him at 20. He was 18 years older than me. Needless to say, this marriage was a shame and the manipulation and abuse I was put through over the following decade took a serious chunk out of my self-worth, and self-respect. I was a slave and nothing more. I ended up having a child with him, and when she was born, that responsibility empowered me. I spent the next 2 years secretly going to school online, and stashing away money to be able to escape him. At the end of the 2 years I sought a lawyer for assistance and began to prepare for the divorce. It was only months before I officially separated from my husband that I met "Him".

He came in like a hurricane. Swept me off my feet. Acted as the saviour. He gave me a good paying job at his company, helped find child care for my daughter so I could work, fed me, clothed me, and took care of me.

It did not take long before I was completely enamoured by our electric connection and fell head over heels in love. He mentioned he had a "partner" but I didn't fully understand what dynamic it was, and should have asked for more details, but I was too awe-stuck to ask the right questions. We spent every day together, 12-18 hours a day and went for over-night trips together, so the thought that there could be another woman in the picture didn't cross my mind.

I did not want to live dishonestly, and believed I found a partner who loves and appreciated me, so after only 2 months of this whirlwind, I left my husband. Something I set out to do regardless of if I met "him" or not.

 

After I separated from my husband "he" broke the news that there was in fact, a woman waiting for him at home. I was devastated. But he convinced me that they were only together for their son, and he was concerned that if he "threw them out on the streets" she'd come after him for major support (she was entitled to over $100,000 a month!). So, I was clearly upset but I understood his situation and gave him the opportunity to take the time to figure out his next steps.

 

What I thought to be weeks or a few months to figure it out, turned out to being years.

 

They'd have fights and she threatened to leave and somehow, they always recovered. I never placed pressure on him to leave, but in my mind, the only reason why she stayed is because he gave her reason to believe things would be better- and that drove me crazy. So then I'd threaten to leave and it was a constant back and forth of this... for 4 years.

 

To make matters more confusing, somehow he slowly introduced the two of us, and had us work together on office projects. She'd invite me over for lunch, and included me in their family- even considers me a friend. She knows about "us" but doesn't talk about it. In the past she has verbally agreed to an open-relationship so that she can continue with her high-society life and not worry about being strictly his woman. None of us admit it but it is the elephant in the room. It started to feel like he's tried to turn us into sister wives- something I was not okay with, and voiced that countless times. He could not have the best of both worlds, at least not with me.

 

Needless to say, I've struggled. Everyday I have struggled. Left in tears. Wondered how I got myself here, blinded by the fact that I love him. Watched him raise my child, and see the loving bond they share.

It will be 4 years of this in December and I gave up hope that this situation would change. On January 1 of this year I told him that if he didn't make a choice by the end of this year, that I was out and no longer sitting around to play the mistress.

 

Finally, just last week, they agreed to separate and she is moving out in a few weeks. He bought her a house, and signed the papers.

 

I don't think he expected this. All the reassurance he gave me that "he did not love her" and "cant wait for her to leave", is now out the window. I am now watching the entire family struggle. I am having him cry in front of me, with the weight of this all on my shoulders, casting full blame on me. I have said countless times since day 1 that I will leave to avoid causing the family pain, but he says he is going through with this because he loves me and wants to be with me. A part of me believes that, but another part of me suggests that he didn't think she would leave him, and perhaps everything he said to me about their "failing relationship" was a lie.

 

I am now in agony. The fact of loving him has never swayed. My connection with him has gotten stronger everyday. Imagining a life without him is not something I can envision. But if I knew 4 years ago what I know now, I would have never accepted his proposition. Not for a million dollars.

 

Soon I will be "the only woman", and this isn't something that can happen immediately. We will still have to spend the next year + under the radar as we have already. I question, as I have all these years, if I will be enough for him. I question if I don't please him, if he will place the blame of what he gave up for me on my cross. I question if I will be compared to his ex, and if his children will ever forgive me. I question what future we can have with the reality of what is now at our footsteps.

All of these questions I have asked him many times before, but he reassured me that he will do everything in his power to make things right- even if it means starting a new life elsewhere.

Am I to blame for this affair? Absolutely. I take full responsibility for my half. But I never approached this knowing all the facts. I have never in my life cheated, or thought about cheating on someone- even when the going got tough. I got too far involved with him, too far invested in this, that his life, his problems, his fears, became mine, and I wanted to prove that I wasn't a "fly by night" woman. That I truly want the best for him, and everyone.

 

Of course there is so much more to this, as nobody knows our full history, or our conversations, or our dreams.

 

As we stand today, he choose me.

And I choose him.

And I should be jumping for joy.

But now, the guilt of the garbage trail left behind us will haunt me, and my conscience will never let me forget this.

I suppose only time will tell. The next 6 months of being "the only woman" in his life will shed much light onto this relationship, and lies will eventually surface.

I still don't want to run, but I am now angry. The easiest thing for me to do is leave him and go lead an honest life with an honest man in an open and loving relationship, but because he is a "celebrity" in our area, and his family has disintegrated due to this affair, all fingers will point to me to blame for this mess, and it will be impossible for me to recover from this on a professional and financial manner as he controls the industry for which I am associated with. The repercussions of his wrath scare the daylights out of me.

I am confused. I don't even know what question I have, or answer I am looking for. I supposed I am looking for advice from someone who understands this situation to provide insight or words of wisdom to share with me.

 

-seeing the light

[ChickiePops]

You've gone from one abuser to another.

 

...congratulations?

[aileD]

[]

 

 

You should feel guilty. you both should. Especially since there are kids involved.

 

I also agree with the poster who said you traded in one abuser for another.

 

The last four years were a fantasy. This is reality and in reality you have to deal with the emotions and consequences of your actions.

 

I wish you well. I wish his family well and I hope you start being a better relationship role model for your child.

Edited October 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BuddyX]

Since the age of 18, was there ever a time where it was "just you"? No men. Just you and your child?

 

If not, then it's time to look long and hard on why.

[wmacbride]

[]

 

First, what sort of income is a guy like this making that his spousal support payments would be that high? My brother, who makes seven figures a year, had spousal support payments that were less than half that. I highly suspect he was lying to you, just as he gave you a "fuzzy" version of the truth about him being married.

 

Second, what's the need for continued secrecy all about? If you live in a no fault state ( which many are) he could have been sleeping with 100 women and it wouldn't matter. She can't find out because it would hurt her? Madam, that ship has sailed. Sounds to me more like he's hoping to win her back,and he can't do that if his relationship with you is public.

 

I'm also thinking you are not his first rodeo, by any stretch of the imagination, and you won't be the last. he saw you in a vulnerable place in your life, and swooped in, which makes him a heel.

 

Look at he the concrete evidence-actions,not feelings.

Edited October 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BTDT2012]

It was only months before I officially separated from my husband that I met "Him".

 

I did not want to live dishonestly, and believed I found a partner who loves and appreciated me, so after only 2 months of this whirlwind, I left my husband. Something I set out to do regardless of if I met "him" or not.

 

You traded one man for another, and were disrespectful enough to form a friendship with his wife.

 

Soon I will be "the only woman", and this isn't something that can happen immediately. We will still have to spend the next year + under the radar as we have already.

 

Don't expect to be respected. No matter how under the radar you fly, everyone will know that you were involved in the break-up. Don't expect his child(ren) to like or respect you.

 

My suggestion is that you learn to stand on your own two feet.

[Cyra]

Soon I will be "the only woman", and this isn't something that can happen immediately. We will still have to spend the next year + under the radar as we have already.

 

Why do you have to be under the radar now that he is separated? I would not accept that.

 

As we stand today, he choose me.

And I choose him.

And I should be jumping for joy.

But now, the guilt of the garbage trail left behind us will haunt me, and my conscience will never let me forget this.

I suppose only time will tell. The next 6 months of being "the only woman" in his life will shed much light onto this relationship, and lies will eventually surface.

I still don't want to run, but I am now angry. The easiest thing for me to do is leave him and go lead an honest life with an honest man in an open and loving relationship, but because he is a "celebrity" in our area, and his family has disintegrated due to this affair, all fingers will point to me to blame for this mess, and it will be impossible for me to recover from this on a professional and financial manner as he controls the industry for which I am associated with. The repercussions of his wrath scare the daylights out of me.

 

I dont understand? What do you mean the repercussion of his wrath? is he angry at YOU? If that is the case I would dump his a$$ right now if he even implied anything like that. Sorry perhaps I am misunderstanding but it sounds like you are saying that he left his wife so you could be together, so why would you be worrying about his 'wrath'? He has absolutely no right to be angry at you or blame you for anything. Seriously if he even suggests that, LEAVE because that wouldnt be a pretty future. And if it's not the case and I misinterpreted I apologize, and honestly dont worry about people pointing fingers at you and blaming you. Small-minded people are always too quick to blame the OW. It wasnt you who was married to his wife or decided to leave her. It wouldnt hurt if they opened their eyes a bit and saw it for what it is, but it is not your problem, let them think whatever they want, it is their right.

Edited October 26, 2016 by Cyra

[RecentChange]

Count me as another who sees this as from one abuser to the next.

 

He has all of the power and control, you realize that right? That YOU are not in control of your life and destiny, but rather handed that power over to a man with highly questionable morals.

 

Please DO SEEK COUNSELING!

 

Worrying about confidentiality is an invalid excuse. There is patient doctor confidentiality for a reason. You are more at risk telling your story "here" than to a professional.

 

And I really think you need professional help. This is above and beyond what a message board can help you with.

 

You need to get to the core as to WHY you choose abusers, and unequal power in relationships. Otherwise you will keep repeating this pattern, you'll keep shedding tears and experience heart break.

 

This isn't a healthy relationship, just like the last one wasn't.

[HeCantBreakMe]

If your gut is telling you that something about this isn't right - it is because it isn't. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! It will be easier to get out of this now then a week from now or a month from now- or heaven for bid when you are married and he is forcing another woman up on you. It sounds like you need to run the other way and keep running. Seek help to get you out of this cycle.

[Hunniebae]

Let it all play out before you begin jumping to conclusions.

[SeenNotHeard]

Good lord.

 

Anybody else noticing a recurring theme of money and wealth in some of these posts?

 

Absolutely. Sometimes there is an extra layer of entitlement that goes along with wealth IMO.

[RecentChange]

Wealth = power.

 

These men are using their power to manipulate women.

 

These women are willing to belittle themselves and give up their power in the hopes of wealth.

[burnt]

May I ask how your relationship with your father was for the first 17 years of your life? Something tells me it was either absent or unhealthy.

 

You were 17. Your husband was at the time 35 when you two got involved. Abused and manipulated for 10 years.

 

Came in MM, at your most vulnerable point in life; having full knowledge of where you were, led a deceitful relationship with you--putting you through more trauma.

 

I am SO sorry for the pain you have been going through for this many years.

Like several other posters have said, you have traded one abuser with another.

 

1. PLEASE see a therapist if you can financially afford to do so. You absolutely must understand that a good therapist will not judge you and will provide you with a supportive, emotionally safe environment for you to cope with what you are dealing with. You really must seek the help of a third party to help you break the pattern of finding yourself involved with these abusive manipulative men and to undo the emotional damage done to you all these years.

 

2. As painful as it sounds, you must find a way to see a life with just YOU and your child for a while to find clarity.

 

You are a very strong woman--whether or not you realize it. The amount of pain you have endured is ENOUGH. The amount of deceit and manipulation that you have been put through is too much.

 

Yes, you are starting to see the light. It will be a VERY slow progress, but the realization is the first step.

[darkmoon]

MMs leave wives when they want, if they leave at all, they are grown men

 

he would have left her anyway

Edited October 27, 2016 by darkmoon

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Wealth = power.

 

These men are using their power to manipulate women.

 

These women are willing to belittle themselves and give up their power in the hopes of wealth.

 

Wow, one of the best quotes I've seen! Powerfully alluring trap for many. Well said!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I don't understand that if she knee about you and offered her friendship and they had an open relationship, why you would have to hide it now? What am I missing there?

[Ruffian1]

Good lord.

 

Anybody else noticing a recurring theme of money and wealth in some of these posts?

 

Yes, see this a lot.

 

Usually involves a much younger OW with older, $et MM.

[minimariah]

The easiest thing for me to do is leave him and go lead an honest life with an honest man in an open and loving relationship, but because he is a "celebrity" in our area, and his family has disintegrated due to this affair, all fingers will point to me to blame for this mess, and it will be impossible for me to recover from this on a professional and financial manner as he controls the industry for which I am associated with. The repercussions of his wrath scare the daylights out of me.

 

perhaps you're HAPPY that he left but upset about the fact that it took him SO long? you do know the woman so your relationship with HER is always somewhat relevant. i find the fact that you're actually AFRAID to leave him troubling - affair or not - it seems as if you genuinely think he'd ruin you financially if you dare to walk away. the fact that he left should make you MORE trusthworthy, if anything... with you - it's the opposite. it might be just you being nervous, that's normal but you sound VERY scared.

[SnowBaby]

It sounds like she had enough and she left him. He sounds like a cake eater, because if he was truly afraid her taking him to the cleaners, then he would have been doing anything to make her happy.

 

I was married to a wealthy man in my first marriage. He grew to be a successful wealthy man after a decade. By that point, I honestly wasn't attracted to him anymore and I didn't like who he was. I had my life, doing what I wanted, and I really didnt care what he did with his time or who he was with.

 

He had women throwing themselves at him, not because he was good looking and had a great personality, but because he had money and power. I am sure it fed his ego. Anyhow, I tried to leave many times, and didn't want a dime from him. I just didn't want to be with him. But he would beg and plead and cry. I eventually moved on and found someone incredible, and even after my ex remarried, he was still trying to come on to me.

 

Sounds like your guy is doing the same thing as my ex, and it sound like his stbx has had enough. The fact that he is crying to you about it tells me that he never wanted her to leave.

 

You deserve more than to be anyone's back up plan. His society will always look at you as the person who broke up a family, even though it sounds like it was already broken. Your kid will be looked down upon. Why would you want that for you and your son.

[elaine567]

 

 

I dont understand? What do you mean the repercussion of his wrath? is he angry at YOU? If that is the case I would dump his a$$ right now if he even implied anything like that. Sorry perhaps I am misunderstanding but it sounds like you are saying that he left his wife so you could be together, so why would you be worrying about his 'wrath'? He has absolutely no right to be angry at you or blame you for anything. Seriously if he even suggests that, LEAVE because that wouldnt be a pretty future. And if it's not the case and I misinterpreted I apologize, and honestly dont worry about people pointing fingers at you and blaming you. Small-minded people are always too quick to blame the OW. It wasnt you who was married to his wife or decided to leave her. It wouldnt hurt if they opened their eyes a bit and saw it for what it is, but it is not your problem, let them think whatever they want, it is their right.

 

I think she means that after all the heartache and trouble caused, if she were then to leave him in the lurch, (which I think she sounds like deep down she wants to do), then he would be very angry.

 

In a time of trouble she essentially sold her soul to the devil and now she has got back on her feet, she wants her soul back.

That ain't going to be easily done.

[Midwestmissy]

Yes, see this a lot.

 

Usually involves a much younger OW with older, $et MM.

 

In our case, it was a mow/cow who was approaching middle age and her career had never progressed. Younger people passed her for 15 yrs. she had slept with others and still wasn't moving on up. She seemed to act in a way that said sleeping with the owner is the best shot I have at wealth. And my wh was in a bad spot business wise, so the fact that he was the super wealthy successful tycoon in her eyes was very heady. Not true, but heady. The story was that I was a pampered country club wife, shopping and lunching. Also not true. So far from what my life actually is, but such a convenient story - the ice queen wife from stepford - I'm actually a free spirit artist and creative badass, not a preppy hair on my head, lol. I'm not sure how she didn't do the math on alimony (plural mortgages) and child support (university for 3 kids too) that he'd have to dole out before she tapped the cash keg. Goes to show how there's no forethought in affairs. Also not sure how her bh and 4 kids fit into the wealthy new life scenario. She just wanted to walk into the life we'd spent 25 yrs growing. Smh.

[anika99]

MMs leave wives when they want, if they leave at all, they are grown men

 

he would have left her anyway

 

Yeah the problem is that most cheating MM don't behave like grown men at all. They are childish and selfish and they think they deserve everything their little hearts desire. Most (cheating)MM will not make a choice between their wife and OW until someone makes them and most will not leave their marriage voluntarily unless they have another woman lined up and waiting for him so I disagree that this MM would have left his wife anyways.

[seeingthelight]

First, Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and posting your thoughts.

I understood that when I put this out on a forum, I was opening myself up to ridicule.

I did not expect anyone to pet my head and tell me everything was going to be alright.

 

A few of you did hit the nail on the head. I didn't want to write out a 5 page detailed sheet of what has transpired over the last 4 years, but it does seem that I should have clarified some aspects of the relationship.

 

Do I have a pattern of choosing abusive men? Yes. It was in this relationship that I grew enough to realize that. I suffered from PTSD, and once my life calmed down after leaving my ex husband, the ghosts of my past surfaced and the memories of what I endured flooded in. My father repeatedly physically abused me as a child, had a terrible temper, and the community rallied together to fight to have CAS take me away from my family a few times growing up. My brother had also repeatedly sexually abused me, and when I ran away at 15, I was living homeless for the next 2 years. In those 2 years I was sold into a sex ring and, well... you see the picture. When my much older husband found me, regardless of whether the relationship was healthy, I found solace. I could finally stop running from people who hurt me. Once I was able to stop running and focus on the present, it was in that marriage that I discovered the power I held within.

 

I know how to stand on my own 2 feet, and I own my own company so it's not as though I am 100% reliant on "him" to carry me through. I make my own money, pay my own bills, and have become a leader in my industry. What "he" has become is my rock that keeps me afloat. He absolutely has opened doors for me, no question.

 

As far as his ex, it is well known in the community that she trapped "him" early on, and forced a pregnancy in their first month of dating in order to finance her high-society lifestyle. She loves rolls royces and designer handbags, and travels every other week to NYC or LV or where ever, alone. Her and I are night and day. I am a small town farm girl who has no desire for designer clothing and enjoys a simple quiet life- this is more the person "he" is. We are both non-drinkers, non-partiers, quiet, private types. I believe she tried to push the "sister wife" on me so she could keep up with her lifestyle and not feel obligated to care for him. As I mentioned earlier, I was not okay with that.

 

I want "us" to remain under the radar because I just prefer to let the dust settle and not make an announcement. I want to respect everyone involved and feel there is no need to have PDA or get the community chatting. Again, I am a very private person, and I want to protect our relationship by keeping it out of the lime light. Perhaps I should have clarified that.

 

I can say with certain that this man has enabled me to stretch my wings, and truly wants the best for me. He pushes me to keep learning, encourages me to find my happiness, encourages hobbies and is a truly supportive partner. He is the first person I've been honest with and exposed my past to. This could have scared him away, but he is devoted to staying by my side, and getting me through this. In the business world though, he is well-known to being brash and unorthodox in his dealings. When I say that I am fearful of his wrath should I decide to leave at this point, without a doubt, he will close all doors he opened, and I know he will be mean and take everything away. I don't stay for money, and I don't stay for material things. I am in a pursuit of love and happiness, and I stay because I love him, for the good and the bad.

 

His older children from a previous relationship, who initially were against us the first year, got to know me and us as a couple, and assured me that I am the person he has been waiting for. I have a great relationship with his entire family. I moved next to his fathers home 3 years ago when he was dying of cancer, and took care of him, right up to his last breath. I let his family from overseas come stay with me when they visit. They all give their blessing, and have all been encouraging him to let 'her' go. His partner will not let anyone in his family, including his children, into their house, and the division she created has damaged the relationships in the family. It's the child that he had with her that I know will be hurt from their separation. This is what I feel the worst about, and this is what he has been trying to protect.

 

One thing I for sure will take away from this, is that I will seek a counsellor. Someone I can confide in to give me non-biased advice, and help me work through the issues I've gone through.

 

However, naturally I am scared of this change. Because it was grown out of infidelity, no matter the circumstance, I know it was not right. When I didn't think he would ever leave, I started to make plans to leave and move on. Now that he has left her, and I can start to create a life with him- I guess you could chalk it up to a feeling similar to cold feet before a wedding. I have so many questions. I've become accustomed to "sharing" him, that I worry if I will be able to take care of him on my own, and if that will be enough as the dynamic of our relationship changes. I've grown fond of being alone. Not sharing my bed 7 days a week. Having everything in my home "just so". Losing the independence I've built. I question how to grow an healthy relationship since, as you see my track record, I have never had one that could be considered healthy.

 

Thank you again for reading this.

[stillafool]

I've been going crazy.

I wanted to go to a therapist to talk this out but worried about privacy and judgement. So I find myself here...

 

 

 

 

A therapist will keep all of your conversations confidential (it may be required by law) and a therapist certainly will not judge you. Talk to one as they are the only ones who can help you.

[ladydesigner]

Yeah the problem is that most cheating MM don't behave like grown men at all. They are childish and selfish and they think they deserve everything their little hearts desire. Most (cheating)MM will not make a choice between their wife and OW until someone makes them and most will not leave their marriage voluntarily unless they have another woman lined up and waiting for him so I disagree that this MM would have left his wife anyways.

 

Yep exactly my situation.My WH is a man-child!