He finally left her...

[anika99]

First, Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and posting your thoughts.

I understood that when I put this out on a forum, I was opening myself up to ridicule.

I did not expect anyone to pet my head and tell me everything was going to be alright.

 

A few of you did hit the nail on the head. I didn't want to write out a 5 page detailed sheet of what has transpired over the last 4 years, but it does seem that I should have clarified some aspects of the relationship.

 

Do I have a pattern of choosing abusive men? Yes. It was in this relationship that I grew enough to realize that. I suffered from PTSD, and once my life calmed down after leaving my ex husband, the ghosts of my past surfaced and the memories of what I endured flooded in. My father repeatedly physically abused me as a child, had a terrible temper, and the community rallied together to fight to have CAS take me away from my family a few times growing up. My brother had also repeatedly sexually abused me, and when I ran away at 15, I was living homeless for the next 2 years. In those 2 years I was sold into a sex ring and, well... you see the picture. When my much older husband found me, regardless of whether the relationship was healthy, I found solace. I could finally stop running from people who hurt me. Once I was able to stop running and focus on the present, it was in that marriage that I discovered the power I held within.

 

I know how to stand on my own 2 feet, and I own my own company so it's not as though I am 100% reliant on "him" to carry me through. I make my own money, pay my own bills, and have become a leader in my industry. What "he" has become is my rock that keeps me afloat. He absolutely has opened doors for me, no question.

 

As far as his ex, it is well known in the community that she trapped "him" early on, and forced a pregnancy in their first month of dating in order to finance her high-society lifestyle. She loves rolls royces and designer handbags, and travels every other week to NYC or LV or where ever, alone. Her and I are night and day. I am a small town farm girl who has no desire for designer clothing and enjoys a simple quiet life- this is more the person "he" is. We are both non-drinkers, non-partiers, quiet, private types. I believe she tried to push the "sister wife" on me so she could keep up with her lifestyle and not feel obligated to care for him. As I mentioned earlier, I was not okay with that.

 

I want "us" to remain under the radar because I just prefer to let the dust settle and not make an announcement. I want to respect everyone involved and feel there is no need to have PDA or get the community chatting. Again, I am a very private person, and I want to protect our relationship by keeping it out of the lime light. Perhaps I should have clarified that.

 

I can say with certain that this man has enabled me to stretch my wings, and truly wants the best for me. He pushes me to keep learning, encourages me to find my happiness, encourages hobbies and is a truly supportive partner. He is the first person I've been honest with and exposed my past to. This could have scared him away, but he is devoted to staying by my side, and getting me through this. In the business world though, he is well-known to being brash and unorthodox in his dealings. When I say that I am fearful of his wrath should I decide to leave at this point, without a doubt, he will close all doors he opened, and I know he will be mean and take everything away. I don't stay for money, and I don't stay for material things. I am in a pursuit of love and happiness, and I stay because I love him, for the good and the bad.

 

His older children from a previous relationship, who initially were against us the first year, got to know me and us as a couple, and assured me that I am the person he has been waiting for. I have a great relationship with his entire family. I moved next to his fathers home 3 years ago when he was dying of cancer, and took care of him, right up to his last breath. I let his family from overseas come stay with me when they visit. They all give their blessing, and have all been encouraging him to let 'her' go. His partner will not let anyone in his family, including his children, into their house, and the division she created has damaged the relationships in the family. It's the child that he had with her that I know will be hurt from their separation. This is what I feel the worst about, and this is what he has been trying to protect.

 

One thing I for sure will take away from this, is that I will seek a counsellor. Someone I can confide in to give me non-biased advice, and help me work through the issues I've gone through.

 

However, naturally I am scared of this change. Because it was grown out of infidelity, no matter the circumstance, I know it was not right. When I didn't think he would ever leave, I started to make plans to leave and move on. Now that he has left her, and I can start to create a life with him- I guess you could chalk it up to a feeling similar to cold feet before a wedding. I have so many questions. I've become accustomed to "sharing" him, that I worry if I will be able to take care of him on my own, and if that will be enough as the dynamic of our relationship changes. I've grown fond of being alone. Not sharing my bed 7 days a week. Having everything in my home "just so". Losing the independence I've built. I question how to grow an healthy relationship since, as you see my track record, I have never had one that could be considered healthy.

 

Thank you again for reading this.

 

I have also always been independent and paid my own way. Never had a man take care of me, but that doesn't mean I didn't have issues when it came to choosing the right man. It's possible to be financially independent and successful and still be needy and dysfunctional when it comes to romantic relationships.

 

His wife sounds awful. He should be happy to be rid of this horrible person who trapped him. But if he was trapped then how come he can leave now? And why is he upset about escaping his prison?

 

 

It sounds like he really loves you and wants what's best for you......but only for as long as you are giving him what he wants. If you leave him he will take away everything you have worked for and set out to destroy you. You think that is love.

 

I think you have a lot to worry about here. I don't see this affair with this dysfunctional MM turning into a healthy relationship for you.

[Ana-Iva]

If he has that good influence on you, and has helped you, I would not think he is abusive or anything like that. Nobody is perfect and neither is he. He seemed to have transformed your life for the better.

[Got it]

OP - if you have never gone to therapy for your childhood traumas, not even including anything else, I would highly recommend you go. You are dealing with more than just how to move an affair forward into another relationship as you are going to struggle with how to have a healthy relationship in general. Find a therapist, they can help you work through your traumas and help you with the today.

 

I was in an affair and have married my then MM. We have been married for a few years now and have a baby. It isn't all sunshine and roses but we are happy and it can be a happy relationship. I will tell you, we both were in IC during the affair and CC transitioning from the affair to a regular relationship. And we are always open to checking back in again as life throws us new obstacles and challenges. The foundation of a relationship is paramount so the beginning is the best time to work on childhood issues, communication, conflict resolution, etc.

 

We also took things slow especially with the kids. We didn't rush to marrying and just dated and adjusted. He needed time one on one with his kids and we needed to just enjoy the relationship.

 

I have found transparency in thoughts, feelings and actions as well as the desire and commitment to working together as a team has been a great recipe for our relationship.

[Miss Clavel]

I've been going crazy.

I wanted to go to a therapist to talk this out but worried about privacy and judgement. So I find myself here...

I met my husband when I was 17, and married him at 20. He was 18 years older than me. Needless to say, this marriage was a shame and the manipulation and abuse I was put through over the following decade took a serious chunk out of my self-worth, and self-respect. I was a slave and nothing more. I ended up having a child with him, and when she was born, that responsibility empowered me. I spent the next 2 years secretly going to school online, and stashing away money to be able to escape him. At the end of the 2 years I sought a lawyer for assistance and began to prepare for the divorce. It was only months before I officially separated from my husband that I met "Him".

He came in like a hurricane. Swept me off my feet. Acted as the saviour. He gave me a good paying job at his company, helped find child care for my daughter so I could work, fed me, clothed me, and took care of me.

It did not take long before I was completely enamoured by our electric connection and fell head over heels in love. He mentioned he had a "partner" but I didn't fully understand what dynamic it was, and should have asked for more details, but I was too awe-stuck to ask the right questions. We spent every day together, 12-18 hours a day and went for over-night trips together, so the thought that there could be another woman in the picture didn't cross my mind.

I did not want to live dishonestly, and believed I found a partner who loves and appreciated me, so after only 2 months of this whirlwind, I left my husband. Something I set out to do regardless of if I met "him" or not.

 

After I separated from my husband "he" broke the news that there was in fact, a woman waiting for him at home. I was devastated. But he convinced me that they were only together for their son, and he was concerned that if he "threw them out on the streets" she'd come after him for major support (she was entitled to over $100,000 a month!). So, I was clearly upset but I understood his situation and gave him the opportunity to take the time to figure out his next steps.

 

What I thought to be weeks or a few months to figure it out, turned out to being years.

 

They'd have fights and she threatened to leave and somehow, they always recovered. I never placed pressure on him to leave, but in my mind, the only reason why she stayed is because he gave her reason to believe things would be better- and that drove me crazy. So then I'd threaten to leave and it was a constant back and forth of this... for 4 years.

 

To make matters more confusing, somehow he slowly introduced the two of us, and had us work together on office projects. She'd invite me over for lunch, and included me in their family- even considers me a friend. She knows about "us" but doesn't talk about it. In the past she has verbally agreed to an open-relationship so that she can continue with her high-society life and not worry about being strictly his woman. None of us admit it but it is the elephant in the room. It started to feel like he's tried to turn us into sister wives- something I was not okay with, and voiced that countless times. He could not have the best of both worlds, at least not with me.

 

Needless to say, I've struggled. Everyday I have struggled. Left in tears. Wondered how I got myself here, blinded by the fact that I love him. Watched him raise my child, and see the loving bond they share.

It will be 4 years of this in December and I gave up hope that this situation would change. On January 1 of this year I told him that if he didn't make a choice by the end of this year, that I was out and no longer sitting around to play the mistress.

 

Finally, just last week, they agreed to separate and she is moving out in a few weeks. He bought her a house, and signed the papers.

 

I don't think he expected this. All the reassurance he gave me that "he did not love her" and "cant wait for her to leave", is now out the window. I am now watching the entire family struggle. I am having him cry in front of me, with the weight of this all on my shoulders, casting full blame on me. I have said countless times since day 1 that I will leave to avoid causing the family pain, but he says he is going through with this because he loves me and wants to be with me. A part of me believes that, but another part of me suggests that he didn't think she would leave him, and perhaps everything he said to me about their "failing relationship" was a lie.

 

I am now in agony. The fact of loving him has never swayed. My connection with him has gotten stronger everyday. Imagining a life without him is not something I can envision. But if I knew 4 years ago what I know now, I would have never accepted his proposition. Not for a million dollars.

 

Soon I will be "the only woman", and this isn't something that can happen immediately. We will still have to spend the next year + under the radar as we have already. I question, as I have all these years, if I will be enough for him. I question if I don't please him, if he will place the blame of what he gave up for me on my cross. I question if I will be compared to his ex, and if his children will ever forgive me. I question what future we can have with the reality of what is now at our footsteps.

All of these questions I have asked him many times before, but he reassured me that he will do everything in his power to make things right- even if it means starting a new life elsewhere.

Am I to blame for this affair? Absolutely. I take full responsibility for my half. But I never approached this knowing all the facts. I have never in my life cheated, or thought about cheating on someone- even when the going got tough. I got too far involved with him, too far invested in this, that his life, his problems, his fears, became mine, and I wanted to prove that I wasn't a "fly by night" woman. That I truly want the best for him, and everyone.

 

Of course there is so much more to this, as nobody knows our full history, or our conversations, or our dreams.

 

As we stand today, he choose me.

And I choose him.

And I should be jumping for joy.

But now, the guilt of the garbage trail left behind us will haunt me, and my conscience will never let me forget this.

I suppose only time will tell. The next 6 months of being "the only woman" in his life will shed much light onto this relationship, and lies will eventually surface.

I still don't want to run, but I am now angry. The easiest thing for me to do is leave him and go lead an honest life with an honest man in an open and loving relationship, but because he is a "celebrity" in our area, and his family has disintegrated due to this affair, all fingers will point to me to blame for this mess, and it will be impossible for me to recover from this on a professional and financial manner as he controls the industry for which I am associated with. The repercussions of his wrath scare the daylights out of me.

I am confused. I don't even know what question I have, or answer I am looking for. I supposed I am looking for advice from someone who understands this situation to provide insight or words of wisdom to share with me.

 

-seeing the light

 

you know what, i'm going to tell you what i told mr. clavel after i divorced him. "you two ****** better be happy! after the **** you put me and the kids and our families thru, after all the lies, the stealing and the murders, it's the least you two can do!"

[sandylee1]

It's not just this case, but whenever I hear the "she trapped him by getting pregnant" line I really do wonder.

 

Because millions of men around the world have no issue with supporting their child without marrying the mother.

 

These so called honourable men who felt forced to do the right thing, either due to morals/values or obligation, then go on to commit adultery, which doesn't support that same upstanding character and is totally against what they profess. That kind of cancels out the trapped and forced theory of this alleged honourable man.

 

And to be quite honest .... if my inlaws were so close and chummy with my husband's mistress, then I probably wouldn't want them in my house either.

 

It doesn't make sense that he wouldn't be cracking open the non alcoholic champagne and celebrating his escape from her, especially with the support of his family. They like you, you've welcomed them and been better than their daughter in law, but it doesn't look like he sees her as all bad.

[aileD]

Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.