i didn't stop my affair because she said she'd tell....

[Cloudcuckoo]

I was talking with a chum who has had infidelity change her life too, and this is something that seems to be quite a common thing for a wayward to say when the bubble bursts, and I'm wondering just how common, and whether any of you believed it/then/now or if you thought/think that's bollocks?

 

Did anyone hear this codswallop after dday?.

 

My husband said he didn't end his affair of his own volition even though he had enough of the drama because he was terrified she'd grass him up. He claimed she consistently 'blackmailed' him into visiting her with threats of calling me. Even actually dialling my number in front of him so he says!

 

when I finally stopped laughing and dried my face, I rolled my eyes and asked my husband if he really thought I'd arrived on the last banana boat!

 

Over to you......

[Midwestmissy]

I didn't get that tripe, but I got "but I was never going to leave you and I told her that from the beginning!" Very noble.

 

He claimed he kept her employed for 12 months after the affair ended because she could sue the company, with grounds, since he was her superior. Could never answer why that didn't cross his mind while he was crapping where he ate. His reason? He had no intention of getting caught, so why ponder and worry about things that aren't going to happen? This from a man who deals in projections and forecasts and risks for business for a living.

 

Today, he says everything he told himself and me was the result of brain gymnastics to validate every stupid decision he made. He's clearly good at convincing himself of anything, because you should see the mow. Not attractive by most definitions. He's still digging himself out of this hole (dirty joke in there somewhere) but he's giving it a valiant try.

[SammySammy]

Is blackmail possible? Of course, it is.

 

That doesn't mean the only option is to comply, but it is definitely possible to be blackmailed in an affair.

[basil67]

Do you believe that people don't blackmail over stuff like this? I'm not saying he made the right decision, but it's certainly possible she did blackmail him.

[ladydesigner]

This was my WH's reason for carrying the A on for another 2 YEARS!!! while I thought we were in R. I don't believe it was blackmail anymore. I told him he is a grown ass man and to grow some b*lls.

[Midwestmissy]

I do agree that blackmail is possible. Some women in affairs are a bit unhinged and thrive on drama. Any attention/noise/drama, even negative, that involves them is sustenance.

 

Can anyone imagine staying in an affair because you were being threatened with exposure? Can you imagine forcing your affair partner to stay in an affair because of your threats? How are these relationships fun? Gives me anxiety and I've never cheated.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Well by all accounts she apparently did blackmail him. Quite regularly according to my husband.

 

He said she would consistently try to persuade him to visit her while he was at home after his 3 months at work, even though his first port of call on arrival at the airport would be her home for a few days before travelling home anyway.

 

She was evidently just getting pissy because she wanted him desperately. At all costs as we all later discovered.

 

He said she would always tell him he had to leave me, and when he refused, she'd threaten to spill the beans. She had gained so much information about me and the children it was enough to make my straight hair curl...

 

The last occasion I recall that probably set off Big Ben's bell was my birthday the year I blew their little bubble up. He was supposed to be still in Singapore. I didn't get so much as a message that day. No card, phone call, nothing. So very out of the norm but of course I didn't know then what he was up to.

 

After dday a month later, I discovered he had gone to her home a few days before my birthday, and in the process of booking his journey home she'd told him if he left to be home for that she would call me before he reached home and ruin my day anyway. He stayed a further two days.

 

All I could say to that when I discovered it was what a nasty c*** you've been shagging, and what a nasty c*** you are for letting that happen...

[Mr. Lucky]

he was terrified she'd grass him up.

 

Never heard that expression before - does it mean to tell on someone?

 

I can pretty much guarantee you I'm going to drop it into a conversation tomorrow ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SammySammy]

Never heard that expression before - does it mean to tell on someone?

 

I can pretty much guarantee you I'm going to drop it into a conversation tomorrow ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I had never come across it either.

 

I'm thinking it could mean bury him. Not really sure.

[waterwoman]

Maybe Its just a uk expression. It means to inform. A police informant is a grass. Don't know the derivation - I will ask H if its cockney rhyming slang

[waterwoman]

Yep. Copper - Grasshopper - grass!

[merrmeade]

Well by all accounts she apparently did blackmail him. Quite regularly according to my husband.

And isn't that the whole problem with this exercise? As far as I'm concerned, everything my WH says about OW, the A or anything related is suspect. Whatever I did hear was phrased so for my benefit. He always portrayed himself the innocent victim of OW's predatory behavior.

 

The companion thread to this one ought to be OW/OM telling the stories s/he was told.

[waterwoman]

I guess it can cause a kind of paralysis. IF the BS is going to find out presumably the WS would rather have control or how and when. But as the WS can't envisage a good way of telling them anyway it's safer to keep the status quo even if they'd rather not.

 

Looking back on the end of H's affair there were several things that the OW did just before I found out that just seemed a bit strange at the time but with hindsight look a little bit like manipulation. H denied it at the time ('she's not like that!') but now is able to talk about calmly and admits they might well have been.

[Cymbeline]

Never heard that expression before - does it mean to tell on someone?

 

I can pretty much guarantee you I'm going to drop it into a conversation tomorrow ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

In the UK, a 'grass' is a police informer. ?

[Cloudcuckoo]

Never heard that expression before - does it mean to tell on someone?

 

I can pretty much guarantee you I'm going to drop it into a conversation tomorrow ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It's an old British term for telling on someone, yes Mr Lucky!

[Cloudcuckoo]

And isn't that the whole problem with this exercise? As far as I'm concerned, everything my WH says about OW, the A or anything related is suspect. Whatever I did hear was phrased so for my benefit. He always portrayed himself the innocent victim of OW's predatory behavior.

 

The companion thread to this one ought to be OW/OM telling the stories s/he was told.

 

Quite merrmeade...I smelt horse manure in all that 'she made me do it' bollocks...

 

I took most of the 'saving my own ass' tales with a hefty dose of cynicism, UNTIL his concubine began her vendetta. Then I knew that in amongst that horse manure was a grain of truth....

[aileD]

Blackmail is only possible when you have something to hide. If the married men would have the humility, respect and balls to confess to their wives on their own, then "crazy OW" wouldn't have anything to blackmail with

 

No. they want to stay in the affair, that's why they stay in the affair

Edited October 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Midwestmissy]

Also with all the love and passion that these affairs bring, why is no one shouting about his/her lover from every rooftop? How is it fun to be a dirty secret? The more I read, the more I'm confused by these relationships. Seems to be a lot of convincing oneself of things that aren't there.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Also with all the love and passion that these affairs bring, why is no one shouting about his/her lover from every rooftop? How is it fun to be a dirty secret? The more I read, the more I'm confused by these relationships. Seems to be a lot of convincing oneself of things that aren't there.

 

I am with you Missy.

 

The more you uncover the more it all becomes a rapid onset headache!

 

What I found difficult when sifting through all the codswallop was exactly what you've highlighted. Convincing oneself of things that don't exist. Squashing down the bile of reality must have been very difficult for his concubine.

 

My husband maybe found it easier because she and I were poles apart in every way and put us both in separate boxes.

 

As you say, where's the 'fun' in it all? what's pleasurable about having to coherce a man to be in a relationship with you?

[HeCantBreakMe]

Also with all the love and passion that these affairs bring, why is no one shouting about his/her lover from every rooftop? How is it fun to be a dirty secret? The more I read, the more I'm confused by these relationships. Seems to be a lot of convincing oneself of things that aren't there.

 

This is exactly what it is. I think the majority of the affair is lived in ones head because it is an affair and it is secret you have to fill in the blanks when you can't see the AP (which is a lot) - this is what keeps fueling the fire and keeps it going.

 

For example - AP is at home at night with his wife- what is easier to live in the head- he is snuggling up and watching a movie holding hands or he is in one room disgusted with his roommate relationship thinking about OW? If the OW based her thoughts in reality she wouldn't be able to continue the romantic relationship and keep feeding the love she thinks he has for her. Instead she thinks he is trapped, lock and key, in a marriage he hates and spends all of his time thinking about her.. All fantasy and all lived in the mind.

[OneLov]

Newt Gingrich still has the best excuse ever:

 

"There's no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate."

 

Who else can say that he/she had an affair for his/her country? I mean, some one should give this guy a metal or something. The man's a true patriot. Anyone else's husband do it for God and country?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Newt Gingrich still has the best excuse ever:

 

"There's no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate."

 

Who else can say that he/she had an affair for his/her country? I mean, some one should give this guy a metal or something. The man's a true patriot. Anyone else's husband do it for God and country?

 

Was he wrapped in a flag while he porked those other women or what?

 

He makes me hurl

[GorillaTheater]

Blackmail is only possible when you have something to hide. If the married men would have the humility, respect and balls to confess to their wives on their own, then "crazy OW" wouldn't have anything to blackmail with

 

No. they want to stay in the affair, that's why they stay in the affair

 

 

This is going to come across as a slap at Cloud's husband but I don't mean this specifically, just generally:

 

 

If a man had these qualities to begin with, I'd argue that he never would have had an affair in the first place.

 

 

The Dukes of Wellington, who could flat out tell their would-be blackmailers, "publish and be damned", are a rare breed.

[Cloudcuckoo]

This is going to come across as a slap at Cloud's husband but I don't mean this specifically, just generally:

 

 

If a man had these qualities to begin with, I'd argue that he never would have had an affair in the first place.

 

 

The Dukes of Wellington, who could flat out tell their would-be blackmailers, "publish and be damned", are a rare breed.

 

Listen, Gorilla, you're absolutely right!

 

AND he certainly DID need a slap!

 

He was a complete w⚓️ during his affair.

 

I'm relieved to say that the aliens who took over my husband's body left him to put himself back together the right way after dday.

 

Years later we are thankful every day for the life we now have.

[Noirek]

I think most people are completely clueless going into their affair on the reality of what will happen when the relationship ends. And I do think many stay in the A out of fear of the AP becoming unhinged. It isn't that far fetched. Think about the OW/OM forum and how many former AP consider confessing to the BS they were involved with their spouse. Often times it is when the relationship has ended or is dying. And perhals the WS is trying to kill the A slowly so that they don't end up ratted out. Of course the smart thing would be to confess yourself with an AP makig threafs but well, having an affair wasn't really the smart thing to begin with.

 

The whole end goal is for your spouse never, ever to find out. The raw hurt, the fighting, the loss of marriage, children, ect is not going to happen unless discovered. So if suddenly you find out you chose crazy, or maybe being involved in an affair has bred crazy than I think many hope the AP loses interests on their own or can be pushed away. Anything but having them showing up at your doorstep and destroying your life. you've basically put your trust in someone who now holds the power over you. I think the majority of WS would continue to see the AP if threatened. Not just because they wanted to stay in an affair. That is why many seasoned philanderers choose married AP. Because then the AP has just as much to lose if discovered... except, that too can go south... but who wants to think about the what ifs?

 

My MM chose wrong with me unfortunately for him. And while I never blackmailed him I did confess. He was upset that I broke his trust and told our little secret.

 

"Dude, I betrayed my husband, I'm not above "betraying" you.