MIL problems

[UltimateZen]

Here is the situation: I am getting married in 4 weeks; been engaged for 9 months; families have know each other for 20 years or so. We had a family gathering to talk about the wedding when my fiance questioned her mother about a wedding gift that was opened her mom. Now, the MIL is the type of woman who is VERY confrontational and is used to getting her way; however I should mention that she very much loves her daughter and family. However, she yelled at my fiance (who is the opposite of her mother, IOW conservative, sensitive, etc.) in front of the whole family about how she is terrible for accusing her and that the present was opened by mistake (yeah right, the MIL has a history of opening her daughters mail), and that she is giving up on the whole wedding, blah blah blah. Well, I do not respect the fact that she is always yelling at her daughter, and so I had enough and I stepped in. I told her to stop yelling at my fiance. Well from that point forward she stomped out of the room and the remaining evening was spent ignoring the problem and with her ignoring me. Now she tells her daughter that night before we left that she is not upset at her for questioning the gift, but at me for yelling at her. So, as I had suspected she is blaming me and that the next time I yell at her that she is never going to talk to my fiance or me again; IOW total overreacting drama queen. I am not the sort of person to let anyone yell at my fiance, for any reason. Her mother is so used to getting her way with her daughter (and family) through what I consider verbal abuse; that my fiance just takes it without question. My fiance told her mother that I was just trying to protect her, but her mother wouldn't hear it. Anyway, I do not think what I did was over the line, HOWEVER, I do feel as though that this problem needs addressing before we get married. I will not have my MIL or anyone yell at my spouse for any reason. It is just wrong. I will be confronting (believe me this is the exact and only word) the MIL before the wedding and with my fiance support, I just need to gather my thoughts. Is there anyone out there who has had a similar problem? Any ideas on how to best approach her with this? Will it be a family meeting (both families)? One on one?

[tiki]

I would approach it like this: Ask her if she would prefer that her daughter marry someone who did not stand by her side, or someone that takes up for her.

 

I really hope that you didn't yell at her, for that makes you just as bad. But I think that you should be able to explain yourself and tell her that no offense was meant, that you are just looking out for your soon to be wife. She should respect that. Especially if you corrected her in a calm-type voice. When you raise your voice, you're stooping to her level, making yourself no better.

[UltimateZen]

No I did not yell at her; She was right next to me when I stepped in and told her to stop yelling at her. My words were, however, stringent and clear cut. The funny thing is, even my FIL and my family tried to tell her to calm down; she just overreacts.

 

I had thought of the same: who wants a son in law who will not stand up in life for their daughter? It is one of my greatest strengths; however I just do not think that the MIL likes it when I take a stand with her.

[Merin]

Dang, that sucks..

 

If you're going to have a conversation with your Fiance's Mom I would make it one on one.. don't involve the whole family on both sides as then her Mom will feel that she is being singled out and picked on..

 

Try to go into this as having a conversation not a confrontation or show down... Organize your thoughts perhaps on paper first so you don't forget anything you want to say, try to remain calm when you speak with her and make this more about you feel protective of her daughter regardless of who it is you feel isn't speaking to her in a polite manner...

 

My guess is your MIL to be is still going to be pissed off, and is still going to go the drama route.. but at least you will have given her fair warning so to speak on where you stand with things.

 

Good Luck

[tiki]

Originally posted by UltimateZen

No I did not yell at her; She was right next to me when I stepped in and told her to stop yelling at her. My words were, however, stringent and clear cut. The funny thing is, even my FIL and my family tried to tell her to calm down; she just overreacts.

 

I had thought of the same: who wants a son in law who will not stand up in life for their daughter? It is one of my greatest strengths; however I just do not think that the MIL likes it when I take a stand with her.

 

Good! Atleast you didn't make yourself look like an ass!

 

Okay, so yeah, I agree with Mer, confront her one on one. Explain the sitchie, explain that everyone is (of course) on edge. Tell her that if this is your worst quality (taking up for your woman) maybe you really are the right man for the job. Give her a big cheesey sh*t-eatin grin like this--> . That should lighten things up a bit.

[UltimateZen]

I don't think I would be too comfortable with the one - on - one scenario. I think my fiance needs to be there when we talk; Otherwise a game of he said she said might erupt between me and the MIL with my fiance; and I do not want my fiance caught in the middle. Plus, she will have the chance to speak up as well.

 

This $ucks so much. I shouldn't have to deal with this sort of crap. How does one even deal with another who has no sense of logic, over-emotional, and overbearing? Granted she has some great traits and I look forward to be a part of my fiance's family; but I also do not feel that I should be on the defensive everytime I talk to the MIL.

[Merin]

Originally posted by UltimateZen

I don't think I would be too comfortable with the one - on - one scenario. I think my fiance needs to be there when we talk; Otherwise a game of he said she said might erupt between me and the MIL with my fiance; and I do not want my fiance caught in the middle. Plus, she will have the chance to speak up as well.

 

This $ucks so much. I shouldn't have to deal with this sort of crap. How does one even deal with another who has no sense of logic, over-emotional, and overbearing? Granted she has some great traits and I look forward to be a part of my fiance's family; but I also do not feel that I should be on the defensive everytime I talk to the MIL.

 

Agreed it isn't a nice place to be in.. if you wish to have your Fiance present then I think thats okay too...

I guess the thing to do here is this... think of the things that are good about your MIL and tell her what those are... then you've put something good into the emotional bank (so to speak) before you make a withdrawal of also letting her know the thing that you don't like so much (the way she speaks to your fiancee')

[UltimateZen]

Originally posted by Merin

 

think of the things that are good about your MIL and tell her what those are... then you've put something good into the emotional bank (so to speak) before you make a withdrawal of also letting her know the thing that you don't like so much (the way she speaks to your fiancee')

 

 

Great point. I am used to approaching people that way because it is best to coat some sugar on the lemon before you bite into it....But there is a part of me that just wants to unleash on her. But that would do no good at all....just frustrating to have to play this game. I just fear that this will be an uphill battle with the MIL after we are married. I have already been accused by the MIL for taking her daughter away and that after we are married will bar her from ever seeing her again. I mean what is that about???? What am I supposed to do when the MIL is expecting to see us every weekend? When that topic came up I immediately addressed it that we have our own life to lead and that weekend visits are not staple. I think it is coming down to the MIL not being able to let go....which brings us to an entirely different beast of a problem.....

[quankanne]

I will not have my MIL or anyone yell at my spouse for any reason. It is just wrong.

 

GOOD FOR YOU! Your wife-to-be has received a wonderful gift from you because you're willing to stand up for her. My sister is like this with my niece, but niece's husband -- like you -- lets sis know that in no uncertain terms is she going to treat his wife like crap. Whether it's in front of him or not, that's his wife she's now dealing with.

 

my suggestion is that you pull your FMiL aside and explain to her that while you understand that she loves her child, you love her too, and you're not going to tolerate any nonsense or disrespect aimed at your wife. And leave it at that. If FMiL throws a hissy, let her. Just as long as she gets the message clearly, that's all that matters.

 

I also do not feel that I should be on the defensive everytime I talk to the MIL.

 

as for the drama queen bit, I say treat her like the rotten brat that she's acting like ... it's pretty much putting into use child psychology with those grown ups who refuse to act grown up. You're not being any more disrespectful than she is, when it comes down to use of "justified force" (i.e., psychology) on people like that!

 

anyhow, best of luck to you, and congrats on your upcoming wedding. Now, is your avatar a picture of a bull with a salt lick?

[UltimateZen]

Originally posted by quankanne

 

my suggestion is that you pull your FMiL aside and explain to her that while you understand that she loves her child, you love her too, and you're not going to tolerate any nonsense or disrespect aimed at your wife. And leave it at that. If FMiL throws a hissy, let her. Just as long as she gets the message clearly, that's all that matters.

 

True and I agree that it needs to be clear cut and to the point. I will not play this game with her for too long. I just feel bad for my fiance because she would potentially be caught in the middle if this confrontation/talk turns for the worst.

 

 

 

as for the drama queen bit, I say treat her like the rotten brat that she's acting like ... it's pretty much putting into use child psychology with those grown ups who refuse to act grown up. You're not being any more disrespectful than she is, when it comes down to use of "justified force" (i.e., psychology) on people like that!

 

I need to think about the long term effects of this talk. Just a tricky situation......

 

anyhow, best of luck to you, and congrats on your upcoming wedding. Now, is your avatar a picture of a bull with a salt lick?

 

Thanks, Avatar is a bull with planet. Sort of a Zen thing....just found this pic interesting.

[UltimateZen]

My fiance and I decided to have a sit down talk with her mom tonight. I do not forsee it going too well because we are going to address many issues. But we are hoping it will clear the air so that we have an understanding that the MIL behavior will not go unchecked in the future. Why does this need to be so difficult??

[tiki]

Oh good luck. She'll feel attacked - expect an explosion. I'll pray for you!!!

[UltimateZen]

I see no other resolution for this problem: I don't want my MIL yelling at my soon to be wife and she has the personality that pushes her to continue to do so. No other person has stood up to her the way I do; I think she both admires that and resents it. She admires it when it forwards our relationship; resents it when I stand up to her. Am I a fool to believe that Logic and Reason will prevail against emotional, stubborness, and over-sensitivity? This is the million dollar question.

[tiki]

Well, good luck nonetheless. Let us know how it goes. Be patient, be kind, but be firm. Maybe she'll quit acting like a basket case. In time, it may very well be worth it.

 

LUCK!

[New_Wife]

In my first marriage, I had, what can only be described as, a monster-in-law. The woman was NUTS. No, she made insane people look normal. She would pitch these horrendous hissy fits, throw pots and pans (no, I am not kidding) wail at the top of her lungs, and berate my then-husband to no end. If he didn't do exactly what she wanted, she would call and call and call at home, at work - no boundaries of decency existed with this woman.

 

I had to call security on her when my daughter was born, because I was about ready to try to throttle her at 9cm dialated because here I was having a baby and she was being an attention w.h.o.r.e. like no other. She pitched a fit about that, and my daughter's father was out in the hall trying to calm the helllbeast when she came into the world.

 

At one point she threatened to shoot herself if he didn't go to her house for dinner, when our MC suggested we boycot her for a year and then return and try to form a relationship with new boundaries. We ended up moving 200 miles north just to get away from her.

 

All of this is to say, that I feel your pain. A psycho drama-queen in-law is only slightly less fun than a blowtorch enema. The only suggestion I have for you is stay close and talk things out with your woman. You two are now the primary family and the MIL's become the extended family. Keep that knowledge close to your heart at all times, and be sure the two of you are on the same page.

 

If the MIL pitches a hissy and says she's not coming to the wedding - let it go. She'll come to the wedding, or regret it the rest of her life. There's nothing you can do either way, but love your wife-2-be and support her through the oddity that is her mother.

[tiki]

WHOA.

 

[UltimateZen]

New_Wife - Thanks for your input. I needed to hear that I am not the only one going through this drama c.r.a.p. My fiance and I do hold very close to our hearts that I am her #1 and she is my #1. The problem is, my #1 is getting constantly bombarded by her mom with complaints about me. Ultimately, my fiance and I pinpointed that her mom is covering up the fact that she cannot let go of her daughter. My fiance is the 1st of 2 siblings to break out of the house; and believe me she is feeling the guilt trips that her mom is putting on her. If the MIL keeps pushing like she is, there is no doubt she will push her daughter and me right out of her life. The challenging part is that in order to make my point with her tonight I need to butter her up long enough for her to hear. I have no doubts that Hurricane MIL will be blowing at a Category 5 tonight. Hope we can weather this storm......

[New_Wife]

Well, it's not really so hard to butter her up. She obviously managed to do a great job raising a wonderful woman (or at least co-own the great job) so that's a starting point. If it helps, maybe write down what you'd like to say, good and bad points about this woman. You could even write her a letter to read aloud - it sounds dumb, but sometimes when a really in-your-face person gets, well, in your face - it's hard to remember what you meant to say.

 

Perhaps you can placate her if she's feeling left out, with some jobs to prepare for the wedding that you don't really care if she messes up, or puts her own personal touch on. There are a bazillion useless tasks in a wedding (my opinion) that you can enlist her help on and make her feel important and helpful. You fiance will know what I am talking about here.

 

Finally, when you do talk - choose your battles wisely. If your MIL is anything like my ex-heiffer, you get one, maybe two good arguments in before she goes sideways on you. Be sure to address the most important thing first, in the most strategic way you can. You will now be a part of this woman's family for the rest of your life. Some diplomacy is required.

[Debster]

I think your fiance needs to face this head-on.

She needs to say calmly and cooly to your m-i-l, that she is marrying you. She needs to respect and accept that decision. She will not stand to hear her mother disparage you. Any negative uncalled for comments will be taken as her deciding to make the relationship between mother and daughter incredibly strained.

 

The mil is testing to see if her needs and her desires are #1. She needs to be told and shown in many ways that this is not the case.

 

On another comment, I know you always hear not to vent about your partner's family to your partner. However, both my husband and I are very aware of the pros AND cons of our families. I will tell him when his mother is driving me nuts with her clingyness. He will tell me when my mother is a nagging fish-mil. It isn't offensive to either of us, as we know that, that is their weakness and it is nothing we haven't said to the other before. And there have been cases, where I have told him he NEEDS to call his mother back. Just like he has calmed me down after venting about my mom saying how much she loves us and is just trying to give us the best. However, we both are family oriented and recognize that we both love and respect our parents and inlaws, but the key loyalty and devotion is to each other. We know that when we have kids, that we will need to define some boundaries on both sides.

 

I'm probably alone in this, but hey, it works for us!

[UltimateZen]

I've already started my list - goes to show great minds do think alike. The wedding idea we have already covered, the problem is that she is already very involved to the point where if she did any more there would be no tasks for us to do. Plus, I need to place a check on this topic with the MIL because she has already slipped many many times that this is "her" wedding and not my fiance'.

 

Great point about the strategy of hitting the main issues first. Fortunately I am very good at keeping topics on track in the heat of an arguement. I just need to make sure that I do not go too far, because as you said I am in the family for life. Does this mean I must prepare for a lifetime of 'diplomacy' with the MIL?????

 

There is a fine line that I must walk because I do not want to destroy the relationship between my fiance and her mom.

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by UltimateZen

Plus, I need to place a check on this topic with the MIL because she has already slipped many many times that this is "her" wedding and not my fiance'.

 

Then you make a point to thank her for all of her wonderful contributions to YOUR wedding. You tell her that you couldn't have done it without her, and you are so appreciative that she is embracing you into the family like this. Manipulate a little here. Stroke feathers. Follow up with the fact that you feel guilty for making her take on so many different tasks, so you want to relieve her of some and put her talents to their best use. "I would be so grateful if you could take the pointe on XXXXX and YYYYY. You are so good at that."

 

Originally posted by UltimateZen

Does this mean I must prepare for a lifetime of 'diplomacy' with the MIL?????

 

Yep. And no. Eventually, you and your wife can lovingly create boundaries and some separation - but that process must be as diplomatic as you can muster so that it is a lasting peace treaty of sorts. Caller ID is the greatest invention of all time for this sort of thing.

[UltimateZen]

Originally posted by Debster

I think your fiance needs to face this head-on. She needs to say calmly and cooly to your m-i-l, that she is marrying you. She needs to respect and accept that decision. She will not stand to hear her mother disparage you. Any negative uncalled for comments will be taken as her deciding to make the relationship between mother and daughter incredibly strained.

 

She has done this twice already, unfortunately her mom is not listening and keeps harping.

 

On another comment, I know you always hear not to vent about your partner's family to your partner.

 

I agree with you on this. Spouses should have an open enough relationship where they can confide in one another about anything, including complaining. My fiance and I are one another's confidant. We each listen with an attentive ear about the headaches moms and dads can bring; but that is part of being a family is about. It is not always peaches and cream.

 

Problem is right now, the peaches and cream are spoiled.