XMM, his wife and I @ the same workplace

[Forever broken]

Okay, so ex-married man and i broke up and have remained no contact for more than a year not even a glance when we bump into each other.

 

Now I found out the wife is working there but in a different department. If I thought working with ex-married man was uncomfortable, try bumping into his wife also. It's so awkward and nerve wrecking I don't know what to do anymore. I did apologize to her in the past about the part I played but she refused to accept my apologies. Now I have to work at the same place with both of them.

 

I love my job so much. I work with HIV, drug addicts, homeless people among others and I love them. I love them and I don't care what they have and they love me more because of how I treat them. But unfortunately I think the time is near for me to leave the job because of the wife to prevent any future confrontation or attack.

 

Am so heartbroken. Do I leave my job? Am losing everything.

 

Don't crap where you work!!!

[Cloudcuckoo]

Okay, so ex-married man and i broke up and have remained no contact for more than a year not even a glance when we bump into each other.

 

Now I found out the wife is working there but in a different department. If I thought working with ex-married man was uncomfortable, try bumping into his wife also. It's so awkward and nerve wrecking I don't know what to do anymore. I did apologize to her in the past about the part I played but she refused to accept my apologies. Now I have to work at the same place with both of them.

 

I love my job so much. I work with HIV, drug addicts, homeless people among others and I love them. I love them and I don't care what they have and they love me more because of how I treat them. But unfortunately I think the time is near for me to leave the job because of the wife to prevent any future confrontation or attack.

 

Am so heartbroken. Do I leave my job? Am losing everything.

 

Don't crap where you work!!!

 

Indeed not, but anyway....

 

Do you physically see his wife everyday? Does she go out of her way to cross paths with you?

 

Are you worried that she'll verbally attack you or physically strike you?

 

If these are real concerns in the workplace that's bullying and should be appropriately managed by your superiors, but if your concerns are 'what ifs' then for your own sanity it might be best to seek employment in the same field elsewhere.

 

Quite honestly as you've already said, you don't s*** on your own doorstep, and just because you've made an apology to the married man's wife for your role in her devastation doesn't mean she has to forgive you. That's a big pill to swallow. She's there to keep an eye on things I suspect as you're still very much in view.

 

I think were i in your shoes I'd probably be looking for another post.

[aileD]

Why should you have to leave?

 

It might be embarrassing but go to your employer/HR etc. Tell them you have a negative personal history with this person and it makes you uncomfortable to work with her, and what can be done about it because you really don't want to leave your job.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Why should you have to leave?

 

It might be embarrassing but go to your employer/HR etc. Tell them you have a negative personal history with this person and it makes you uncomfortable to work with her, and what can be done about it because you really don't want to leave your job.

 

I'm not sure how well that would go over. "Hi, HR director, I need some help with a situation. I had an affair with a coworker and now his wife works here, seeing her is making me uncomfortable, anything you can do? " She should leave if she is too uncomfortable to stay. I'm assuming the wife knew she would be working with ExOW when she took the job.

 

Maybe you will become more comfortable politely ignoring her after time.

[Forever broken]

Indeed not, but anyway....

 

Do you physically see his wife everyday? Does she go out of her way to cross paths with you?

 

Are you worried that she'll verbally attack you or physically strike you?

 

If these are real concerns in the workplace that's bullying and should be appropriately managed by your superiors, but if your concerns are 'what ifs' then for your own sanity it might be best to seek employment in the same field elsewhere.

 

Quite honestly as you've already said, you don't s*** on your own doorstep, and just because you've made an apology to the married man's wife for your role in her devastation doesn't mean she has to forgive you. That's a big pill to swallow. She's there to keep an eye on things I suspect as you're still very much in view.

 

I think were i in your shoes I'd probably be looking for another post.

 

 

 

I don't see her physically everyday but see her enough for me to be uncomfortable. However, I did lay my bed, I guess I have to sleep in it.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[Forever broken]

I'm not sure how well that would go over. "Hi, HR director, I need some help with a situation. I had an affair with a coworker and now his wife works here, seeing her is making me uncomfortable, anything you can do? " She should leave if she is too uncomfortable to stay. I'm assuming the wife knew she would be working with ExOW when she took the job.

 

Maybe you will become more comfortable politely ignoring her after time.

 

 

I will certainly ignore her. Hope she ignores me too.

[Forever broken]

Why should you have to leave?

 

It might be embarrassing but go to your employer/HR etc. Tell them you have a negative personal history with this person and it makes you uncomfortable to work with her, and what can be done about it because you really don't want to leave your job.

 

My best friend told me not to leave, remain no contact with both of them and continue doing my job. I have remained quiet, never disclosed any information to the wife except what XMM told her. I did this because I didn't want to make him unhappy and lose the wife.

 

But if she comes after me at work, then I have no choice than to spill the beans.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[Cyra]

I dont think you should leave. You love your job so leaving wouldnt benefit you and its kinda letting them push you out, showing they still have power over you

 

If you see the wife just blank her. If she causes any trouble for you then certainly spill the beans, or more diplomatically go through official channels. I agree she may have taken the job to keep an eye on him. Rise above their drama

[Forever broken]

I dont think you should leave. You love your job so leaving wouldnt benefit you and its kinda letting them push you out, showing they still have power over you

 

If you see the wife just blank her. If she causes any trouble for you then certainly spill the beans, or more diplomatically go through official channels. I agree she may have taken the job to keep an eye on him. Rise above their drama

 

Thank you Cyra. I plan on doing exactly that.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Okay, so ex-married man and i broke up and have remained no contact for more than a year not even a glance when we bump into each other.

 

Now I found out the wife is working there but in a different department. If I thought working with ex-married man was uncomfortable, try bumping into his wife also. It's so awkward and nerve wrecking I don't know what to do anymore. I did apologize to her in the past about the part I played but she refused to accept my apologies. Now I have to work at the same place with both of them.

 

I love my job so much. I work with HIV, drug addicts, homeless people among others and I love them. I love them and I don't care what they have and they love me more because of how I treat them. But unfortunately I think the time is near for me to leave the job because of the wife to prevent any future confrontation or attack.

 

Am so heartbroken. Do I leave my job? Am losing everything.

 

Don't crap where you work!!!

 

Honestly, i would quite literally go insane. I guess bring some vodka to work and make it a party!

 

Not sure how you handle this one. I vote for getting out of there love the job or not.

[Joie]

Has the wife actually done anything to you besides not except your apology? If she has then I agree go to HR. If it just the fact you don't want to work with her then that seems like it is on you. Why should the wife have to leave a job just because you are uncomfortable?

 

Honestly, the wife will probably never do anything. It has been a year. Unfortunately for me I have to run into my husband's exOW occasionally through my volunteer stuff or just around town. While I am NEVER nice to her and I am secretly happy when she scurries away I don't ever verbally or physically attack her.

 

WRT the apology the wife is not obligated to accept. Honestly, I don't think I would accept an apology from my husband's exOW. I have no desire to forgive her.

 

Best of luck!

[JewelD]

My best friend told me not to leave, remain no contact with both of them and continue doing my job. I have remained quiet, never disclosed any information to the wife except what XMM told her. I did this because I didn't want to make him unhappy and lose the wife.

 

But if she comes after me at work, then I have no choice than to spill the beans.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

What beans are there even left to spill? I highly doubt she took that job just to confront you. Her husband knows all your contact info, if she was going to do something to you, she would have done it already.

[IfonlyIknew]

I admire you. I have a huge passion and love for those living with HIV and the homeless. I can see why you love to work there as it must be extremely rewarding. This is not a typical job and given your situation, yes it is extremely awkward; but I think you would regret leaving. It's a personal situation from the past. Easier said than done to avoid her, or even feel comfortable, but I'd place your love for those people that need you, over the "hate" of an unforgiving woman, that's her problem - not yours.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Use this to your advantage. It's going to be scary and uncomfortable at times BUT, be confident. You're out of that situation now and you're still showing up and moving on. You got this.

[Forever broken]

Has the wife actually done anything to you besides not except your apology? If she has then I agree go to HR. If it just the fact you don't want to work with her then that seems like it is on you. Why should the wife have to leave a job just because you are uncomfortable?

 

Honestly, the wife will probably never do anything. It has been a year. Unfortunately for me I have to run into my husband's exOW occasionally through my volunteer stuff or just around town. While I am NEVER nice to her and I am secretly happy when she scurries away I don't ever verbally or physically attack her.

 

WRT the apology the wife is not obligated to accept. Honestly, I don't think I would accept an apology from my husband's exOW. I have no desire to forgive her.

 

Best of luck!

 

Joie, am sorry you feel that way about the apology. My ex married man had a previous affair before me which the wife knows. I wasn't his first apparently. Moreover, is okay to forgive the man you married and exchanged vows with who has done that in the past? Yes I played a part and I accepted that. But I did based on the information the husband provided me.

 

 

Am sorry but most of the anger must be directed at the husband.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Joie, am sorry you feel that way about the apology. My ex married man had a previous affair before me which the wife knows. I wasn't his first apparently. Moreover, is okay to forgive the man you married and exchanged vows with who has done that in the past? Yes I played a part and I accepted that. But I did based on the information the husband provided me.

 

 

Am sorry but most of the anger must be directed at the husband.

 

Tosh...

 

You chose to have an affair with a man you knew was married, and the consequence of your choice is the dilemma you now find yourself in. I know you know that, so please, no excuses about your part in it all.

 

You can either get on with the job you love, and stay away from them both as far as possible, or cut your losses and leave it all behind to start elsewhere.

 

Neither is going to be easy....

[Cyra]

Joie, am sorry you feel that way about the apology. My ex married man had a previous affair before me which the wife knows. I wasn't his first apparently. Moreover, is okay to forgive the man you married and exchanged vows with who has done that in the past? Yes I played a part and I accepted that. But I did based on the information the husband provided me.

 

 

Am sorry but most of the anger must be directed at the husband.

 

^^^ absolutely. He made wovs and commitment to her, not the OW

[Cymbeline]

^^"^ absolutely. He made wovs and commitment to her, not the OW"

 

This comes up all the time. All the time. If I am to be fully human, and to live well, am I to live my life with no commitment to anyone except those to whom I have formally made vows? Where is my humanity if I feel I have no personal agency or responsibility towards society and the bonds that are made within that society?

 

It is not excusing the WS'snbehaviour to accept that there is such a thing as society and that even where there are no laws governing conduct, that there are social mores to which I may adhere or not, but that my actions will have consequences, not for myself only.

 

I really don't want to live in a Hobbesian world, where mankind is brutish, existing in a state of unrestrained selfishness . Do you?

[Forever broken]

Honestly, i would quite literally go insane. I guess bring some vodka to work and make it a party!

 

Not sure how you handle this one. I vote for getting out of there love the job or not.

 

Your post gave me a good laugh. I will bring a bottle with me if half my patients weren't drunk most of the time lol. Thanks for the advice.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Use this to your advantage. It's going to be scary and uncomfortable at times BUT, be confident. You're out of that situation now and you're still showing up and moving on. You got this.

 

I agree with this advice. Life is full of difficult situations. You can't always run plus your job sounds like it serves a greater good. Hold your head up, it's been a year.

 

A man would not run. Why should you?

[Forever broken]

What beans are there even left to spill? I highly doubt she took that job just to confront you. Her husband knows all your contact info, if she was going to do something to you, she would have done it already.

 

I guess not but you may never know.

[Forever broken]

I admire you. I have a huge passion and love for those living with HIV and the homeless. I can see why you love to work there as it must be extremely rewarding. This is not a typical job and given your situation, yes it is extremely awkward; but I think you would regret leaving. It's a personal situation from the past. Easier said than done to avoid her, or even feel comfortable, but I'd place your love for those people that need you, over the "hate" of an unforgiving woman, that's her problem - not yours.

 

 

Very good advice and thanks. My job is very fulfilling. Nothing better than checking up on them and sharing a slice of pizza with them on the streets which some of them live. You can imagine the looks I receive from passing by strangers.

 

Thanks very much. I will remain at the job.

[Forever broken]

Use this to your advantage. It's going to be scary and uncomfortable at times BUT, be confident. You're out of that situation now and you're still showing up and moving on. You got this.

 

Yes I got this. Thank you so much. I plan on staying and working harder.

[Forever broken]

Tosh...

 

You chose to have an affair with a man you knew was married, and the consequence of your choice is the dilemma you now find yourself in. I know you know that, so please, no excuses about your part in it all.

 

You can either get on with the job you love, and stay away from them both as far as possible, or cut your losses and leave it all behind to start elsewhere.

 

Neither is going to be easy....

 

Thanks for your feedback but am not making excuses for my actions. I have remained strict no contact and have promised the wife is will never contact him. But honestly speaking and I don't mean to be mean I shouldn't be the one to promise that. The husband is.

[Forever broken]

^^"^ absolutely. He made wovs and commitment to her, not the OW"

 

This comes up all the time. All the time. If I am to be fully human, and to live well, am I to live my life with no commitment to anyone except those to whom I have formally made vows? Where is my humanity if I feel I have no personal agency or responsibility towards society and the bonds that are made within that society?

 

It is not excusing the WS'snbehaviour to accept that there is such a thing as society and that even where there are no laws governing conduct, that there are social mores to which I may adhere or not, but that my actions will have consequences, not for myself only.

 

I really don't want to live in a Hobbesian world, where mankind is brutish, existing in a state of unrestrained selfishness . Do you?

 

 

I don't want to either but we are all human. It wasn't like he walked up to me and said hey am happily married but still want you. Sometimes some betrayed spouses ( I said some by the way) tend to put the blame solely on the OW. Please don't. There are 3 sides to every story, his version, mine version and the real truth.

 

Thanks for the feedback, greatly appreciated.