XMM, his wife and I @ the same workplace

[Forever broken]

I agree with this advice. Life is full of difficult situations. You can't always run plus your job sounds like it serves a greater good. Hold your head up, it's been a year.

 

A man would not run. Why should you?

 

Exactly, am not running. Am remaining put and doing my job. I will stay away from them and I hope she does too.

[Cymbeline]

I don't want to either but we are all human. It wasn't like he walked up to me and said hey am happily married but still want you. Sometimes some betrayed spouses ( I said some by the way) tend to put the blame solely on the OW. Please don't. There are 3 sides to every story, his version, mine version and the real truth.

 

Thanks for the feedback, greatly appreciated.

 

I absolutely would not put blame solely on the OW. Not ever. But Cyra's comment above (and I was responding to that comment, which Is not really relevant to your predicament,) Comes up so often.

 

I am sure you have got yourself into a pickle which is causing great regret. I don't think you should have to resign, but I expect the professional consequences of your affair are tricky. I am sorry for your situation and wish you well. But I do get exasperated by statements like that above ( not made by you) which suggest we are not responsible for our actions towards others.

[eye of the storm]

OW here, so not throwing stones in my glass house. But the BS absolutely has no requirement to forgive the OW even if they forgive the WS.

 

We are not always logical beings. Our feelings may not be rational but they are ours and we have the right to them. Just like when people tell OWs they have no right to be upset when the MM "cheats" on them. Ummmm yea, yea they do. It isn't rational, but it is how they feel.

 

This has nothing to do with BS being angry at the WS, that is a separate issue. This has nothing to do with the OW not betraying vows to the WS, that is a separate issue.

 

Try getting out of a ticket with the excuse of what someone else is doing. Not going to work because it is a separate issue.

 

Focus on you. What you did, what you are doing, healing, moving on.

 

To be honest, I hope you don't get to the point where you decide to leave your job. It is a rare person that truly cares for the people you care for. But if working with xMM and BS keeps them constantly in your thoughts and starts to damage your peace and healing, then it might be best for you to move on. Best of luck.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I don't want to either but we are all human. It wasn't like he walked up to me and said hey am happily married but still want you. Sometimes some betrayed spouses ( I said some by the way) tend to put the blame solely on the OW. Please don't. There are 3 sides to every story, his version, mine version and the real truth.

 

Thanks for the feedback, greatly appreciated.

 

It is indeed said that if you take the tales from the wayward and the other, the truth lies somewhere in the middle.....

 

A betrayed, particularly a new one, will often lay responsibility predominantly, at the foot of the other initially. As has frequently been alluded to, it's so profoundly shocking to discover the person you trusted most is capable of that level of treachery that it's almost a safety valve while the psychology of the event processes to project that.

 

Commonly, after one processes new information and the puzzle begins to come together, responsibility is meted to both parties.

[Forever broken]

I absolutely would not put blame solely on the OW. Not ever. But Cyra's comment above (and I was responding to that comment, which Is not really relevant to your predicament,) Comes up so often.

 

I am sure you have got yourself into a pickle which is causing great regret. I don't think you should have to resign, but I expect the professional consequences of your affair are tricky. I am sorry for your situation and wish you well. But I do get exasperated by statements like that above ( not made by you) which suggest we are not responsible for our actions towards others.

 

 

Thank you but I never get offended with advice no matter how it is. I understand very much. Trust me all advice are greatly appreciated.

[Forever broken]

OW here, so not throwing stones in my glass house. But the BS absolutely has no requirement to forgive the OW even if they forgive the WS.

 

We are not always logical beings. Our feelings may not be rational but they are ours and we have the right to them. Just like when people tell OWs they have no right to be upset when the MM "cheats" on them. Ummmm yea, yea they do. It isn't rational, but it is how they feel.

 

This has nothing to do with BS being angry at the WS, that is a separate issue. This has nothing to do with the OW not betraying vows to the WS, that is a separate issue.

 

Try getting out of a ticket with the excuse of what someone else is doing. Not going to work because it is a separate issue.

 

Focus on you. What you did, what you are doing, healing, moving on.

 

To be honest, I hope you don't get to the point where you decide to leave your job. It is a rare person that truly cares for the people you care for. But if working with xMM and BS keeps them constantly in your thoughts and starts to damage your peace and healing, then it might be best for you to move on. Best of luck.

 

 

 

I perfectly understand the wife is not obligated to accept my apologies but, hey I still did. It was worth the shot. It was better than not saying anything or saying something stupid. I can never undo what I did. You right, all I can do is learn from it and move on and never repeat a behavior like that again.

[Forever broken]

It is indeed said that if you take the tales from the wayward and the other, the truth lies somewhere in the middle.....

 

A betrayed, particularly a new one, will often lay responsibility predominantly, at the foot of the other initially. As has frequently been alluded to, it's so profoundly shocking to discover the person you trusted most is capable of that level of treachery that it's almost a safety valve while the psychology of the event processes to project that.

 

Commonly, after one processes new information and the puzzle begins to come together, responsibility is meted to both parties.

 

 

Very true and understandable for the betrayed spouse to feel like that. After all she has been betrayed in the worse possible way.

 

Thank you for the advice. Much appreciated.

[Grammie]

I don't want to either but we are all human. It wasn't like he walked up to me and said hey am happily married but still want you. Sometimes some betrayed spouses ( I said some by the way) tend to put the blame solely on the OW. Please don't. There are 3 sides to every story, his version, mine version and the real truth.

 

Thanks for the feedback, greatly appreciated.

 

Actually, there are 4 sides:

 

his

yours

the wife's

the truth

 

Why now are you so 'concerned' about HER actions? She's done NOTHING to you except not accept your apology for sleeping with her husband. Can't blame her - you knew he was married, right? Most MM don't tell the person they want to have an affair with that they are happily married and loving life....that doesn't lead to starting an affair.

 

Maybe she is worried about what YOU are going to do? I mean, you knew of her prior to the affair, but she didn't know of you. What the married POS dude did prior has no bearing on your affair with him. You have no idea what goes on behind their closed doors - you have what he told you, but since you knew he was a liar and a cheater, how can you really believe anything he says?

 

Do your job; let them do their jobs and life still goes on. If you can't do that, then yes, it would be best to leave. Personal things should be dropped at the door of your work environment. I realize those lines were crossed before while in the affair, and the past can't be undone. Just continue to focus on your work, while at work. For all you know, he could have told her you continue to 'come on' to him or some other crap. Why does she stay? Only she knows the answer to that. Why do battered women stay with their abusers? Because of emotional (and obviously physical) abuse. Some women are so beaten down mentally and spiritually they don't think they deserve anything better. Instead of being upset at this wife, change your thinking...what if she was one of the people you help? Try to step outside of your defensiveness and realize she has done nothing to you; but you can't say the same. Treat her how you want to be treated.

[Forever broken]

Actually, there are 4 sides:

 

his

yours

the wife's

the truth

 

Why now are you so 'concerned' about HER actions? She's done NOTHING to you except not accept your apology for sleeping with her husband. Can't blame her - you knew he was married, right? Most MM don't tell the person they want to have an affair with that they are happily married and loving life....that doesn't lead to starting an affair.

 

Maybe she is worried about what YOU are going to do? I mean, you knew of her prior to the affair, but she didn't know of you. What the married POS dude did prior has no bearing on your affair with him. You have no idea what goes on behind their closed doors - you have what he told you, but since you knew he was a liar and a cheater, how can you really believe anything he says?

 

Do your job; let them do their jobs and life still goes on. If you can't do that, then yes, it would be best to leave. Personal things should be dropped at the door of your work environment. I realize those lines were crossed before while in the affair, and the past can't be undone. Just continue to focus on your work, while at work. For all you know, he could have told her you continue to 'come on' to him or some other crap. Why does she stay? Only she knows the answer to that. Why do battered women stay with their abusers? Because of emotional (and obviously physical) abuse. Some women are so beaten down mentally and spiritually they don't think they deserve anything better. Instead of being upset at this wife, change your thinking...what if she was one of the people you help? Try to step outside of your defensiveness and realize she has done nothing to you; but you can't say the same. Treat her how you want to be treated.

 

 

I am not upset about his wife. Why should I be? I understand I wronged her. Yes I thought he was getting a divorce, apparently not. I am not being defensive. This was a guy I introduced to my parents, had his friends over, and hang out openly with him.

 

Am not making excuses but how stupid am I to introduce him to my parents? Yes I understand am an other woman and have to take all the consequences without a word, however, am sorry but I can't all the time.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am not upset about his wife. Why should I be? I understand I wronged her. Yes I thought he was getting a divorce, apparently not. I am not being defensive. This was a guy I introduced to my parents, had his friends over, and hang out openly with him.

 

Am not making excuses but how stupid am I to introduce him to my parents? Yes I understand am an other woman and have to take all the consequences without a word, however, am sorry but I can't all the time.

 

We are blamed all the time, as OW and BS. I took the heat from BS because MM was too weak to resist me because of my pursuits and BS million things she was doing wrong. She was so happy he was giving their marriage another chance. Go chew on that!!

 

But not all women are the same. I am not mad at my H's eOW. He texted her, started it up and pursued yes. Yes we were having problems, yes she knew he was married and tried to get him to leave me, but all is fair in love and war. From what I heard (he ran into her) she has a boyfriend and bought a house. She does hate him though, forever. That bothers him as "she knew I was married". Men.

 

My H says infidelity is like a suit of clothes you have hanging in the back of your closet. You see it every day and it's an active choice whether or not to put it on. We all have the potential to be a darker version of ourselves.

[eye of the storm]

Forever, I know it is incredibly difficult but if you can put them in a box and stick them in a closet, it might help.

 

Whenever I think of my xMM, I start thinking of my next car. What features, color, make, model....I have built that stupid car a million times. Not going to actually buy it, but I choose to redirect my thoughts. And no, it is not 100% effective. Nothing is, but it helps. Baby steps

 

Find something you enjoy and when you see him or her, think of it. Block them out and focus on it. Vacation, kitchen remodel, puppies....

 

I hope you didn't think I meant you shouldn't have apologized to the wife. It was good that you did. Not for her, for you. When we screw up, the right thing to do is attempt to make amends. You did that. You can move on.

 

We can only control ourselves.

 

Good luck!

[sandylee1]

I can't think of any rational behind getting a job where my husband and his EX OW work, except to keep an eye on them.

 

She's clearly not at peace with the two of you working together and since he hasn't left, she's decided she will get herself in there.

 

Many BS don't heal because they believe as long as their WS works with the AP, the affair is still on or can rekindle.

[minimariah]

Am sorry but most of the anger must be directed at the husband.

 

& it probably is. however -- it's also natural to be more forgiving towards someone you know, have good memories & history with... than to someone you've never met before & who did you ONLY wrong in life.

 

her NOT accepting your apology is as honest as you'll get... i'm sure you meant well but in the end - those are just empty words that hold no value, especially in the eyes of the BS.

 

you should change your job or go to the HR -- IF something happens. i understand the fear but you're acting on your assumptions and panic right now.

[minimariah]

I can't think of any rational behind getting a job where my husband and his EX OW work, except to keep an eye on them.

 

needing a job? wanting to work...? i'm not staying unemployed & refusing a GOOD position that satisfies me because my husband's xOW works where i WANT to work. screw that.

[afoolto no end]

Is there any way that the jobs all of you do...be scheduled in a separate way?

maybe different shifts. Making contact as little as it can be...

I think as time goes on, it won't feel so uncomfortable for all of you, life is a very long time, things could change. They could leave the job, you might, who knows right now keep visual and in your face contact to the bare minimal.

I think apologizing to the BS is admiral, not a lot of OW do this....I think you are owning your part and that is good step to your healing and you regaining your integrity in this situation and in life.

It is just another situation where an affair hurts everything and everyone involved.

All you can do is act with integrity compassion and calmness......

If the BS acts inappropriately, don't take the bait......just say your sorry for hurting her and walk away.....

[sandylee1]

needing a job? wanting to work...? i'm not staying unemployed & refusing a GOOD position that satisfies me because my husband's xOW works where i WANT to work. screw that.

 

There must be other companies to apply for a job at. I wouldn't even want to work at the same place as my H without him having an A, let alone now placing yourself in a place that can't have any good memories and nothing but triggers.

[minimariah]

There must be other companies to apply for a job at.

 

the same can be said for the OP though, no...? besides - this might be the only job for the BS (especially if the husband worked it out for her) OR the best option for her; i wouldn't say NO to working with my husband & i personally wouldn't be phased by the affair at all. + the BS is working at another department.

[sandylee1]

the same can be said for the OP though, no...? besides - this might be the only job for the BS (especially if the husband worked it out for her) OR the best option for her; i wouldn't say NO to working with my husband & i personally wouldn't be phased by the affair at all. + the BS is working at another department.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by the same can be said for the OP? You mean her still working there or that she could get another job? If so, yes that's true. But OW seem to dig their heels in and after loosing the MM, they don't want to loose their job too.

 

In some cases they love still seeing you MM and hope there may be a chance to rekindle the A, although that doesn't seem to be the case here.

 

I guess the only one who knows why she's working there is the BS herself.

 

Advice would usually be that the WS gets a new job away from the AP post dday. If nothing to help the BS with reconciliation and make them feel secure otherwise you know how easy it is to get back into the A.

[ladydesigner]

I perfectly understand the wife is not obligated to accept my apologies but, hey I still did. It was worth the shot. It was better than not saying anything or saying something stupid. I can never undo what I did. You right, all I can do is learn from it and move on and never repeat a behavior like that again.

 

I never received an apology from my WH's MOW. The closest thing to an apology I got was "I feel very sorry for you."

 

I think it is good you apologized. You didn't need to and it shows compassion. I know you know it wasn't right to start a R with a MM and it is relevant in your posts.

[Matahari007]

Forgive yourself, what you had was in the past and move on. I've always liked this quote "do not judge my past, I no longer live there". I agree with another poster....why leave a job you love so much? Unless you fear for your safety I can understand. You have suffered the consequence of being the OW but you can't continue punishing yourself for that forever either.

Edited October 28, 2016 by Matahari007

[Forever broken]

Forever, I know it is incredibly difficult but if you can put them in a box and stick them in a closet, it might help.

 

Whenever I think of my xMM, I start thinking of my next car. What features, color, make, model....I have built that stupid car a million times. Not going to actually buy it, but I choose to redirect my thoughts. And no, it is not 100% effective. Nothing is, but it helps. Baby steps

 

Find something you enjoy and when you see him or her, think of it. Block them out and focus on it. Vacation, kitchen remodel, puppies....

 

I hope you didn't think I meant you shouldn't have apologized to the wife. It was good that you did. Not for her, for you. When we screw up, the right thing to do is attempt to make amends. You did that. You can move on.

 

We can only control ourselves.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks for your advice and understanding. Very true that we can only control ourselves . Will keep that in mind. Thank you.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I perfectly understand the wife is not obligated to accept my apologies but, hey I still did. It was worth the shot. It was better than not saying anything or saying something stupid. I can never undo what I did. You right, all I can do is learn from it and move on and never repeat a behavior like that again.

 

That apology absolutely was worth a shot FB, and very much better than a stoney silence or something silly, and if you've gained a valuable life lesson from your experience that speaks volumes.

 

Lots of luck whichever path you take...

[Forever broken]

Forgive yourself, what you had was in the past and move on. I've always liked this quote "do not judge my past, I no longer live there". I agree with another poster....why leave a job you love so much? Unless you fear for your safety I can understand. You have suffered the consequence of being the OW but you can't continue punishing yourself for that forever either.[/quote

 

 

Yes I do need to forgive myself and move on from the past. My job means the world to me and I intend on staying.

 

Thanks for the wonderful thoughts.

[Forever broken]

I can't think of any rational behind getting a job where my husband and his EX OW work, except to keep an eye on them.

 

She's clearly not at peace with the two of you working together and since he hasn't left, she's decided she will get herself in there.

 

Many BS don't heal because they believe as long as their WS works with the AP, the affair is still on or can rekindle.

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately, one can never baby sit the spouse no matter what. And I really feel bad that ex married man and I put her in that situation but I cannot redo the past no matter what. All I can do is to apologize and remain no contact from her husband.

 

Yeah it may be a small gesture for my actions but is better none.

 

Thank you for your feedback, well received.

[Forever broken]

That apology absolutely was worth a shot FB, and very much better than a stoney silence or something silly, and if you've gained a valuable life lesson from your experience that speaks volumes.

 

Lots of luck whichever path you take...

 

Yes it was worth the shot but unfortunately was shot down lol. And oh trust me I gained the most valuable lesson from all this.

 

The path I plan to take now leads to only single men ready to mingle lol. But no dating yet. Is been more than a year but I still need more time to stay alone and better myself.

 

Many thanks for your feedback.