How do you know if a girl...friend, likes you?

[Area57]

So, I have been hanging out with this girl for about two months now. Most days. Probably 5 days a week. I would normally not have to ask but there is an age difference. So I really can't tell. I have also never had a friend that was a girl, not that I hung out with a lot alone.

 

So she is 21 and I am 35. So at first I thought nothing and just was nice and we hung out together. But her behavior has maybe gotten a little "cute" But, see, maybe I want it to be like that, so I am imagining things that aren't there. I'll just try to lay out the facts and hopefully you can help me.

 

She is shy, that makes it hard. I don't really remember how she acted exactly when we first met, but now she does little shy behaviors when I'm alone with her like smiling and laughing like she is embarrassed for no reason. Twidling and looking at her hands. fidgeting.

 

She remembers absolutely everything I tell her, even little weird facts I don't remember having said, she laughs at jokes, started looking at me more, and more in the eye. The other night she was smiling and I asked why and she said it was because she was thinking about life and was happy. But that could mean anything.

 

Then she has starting texting me throughout the day. maybe 3-4 times.

 

Tonight though she started talking about people at college liking her, so what does that mean. does she think I am just a friend that wants to hear about this? Maybe younger women think that, I don't know, or maybe it's to push me into being jealous and acting like it.

 

I don't really know. Haha, I have heard girls just can be friends with guys, but it really isn't that way for me. Is this just my mind imagining something that isn't there? I do like having her as a friend, I don't want to blow that.

[Herbalist]

I don't have much experience with normal social things, myself, but I have had a lot of online female friends over the years who have talked with me about their romantic woes and adventures.

 

Based on those conversations I would say that yes there is a chance that she likes you but it's not 100% a sure thing. Sometimes when a woman mentions other suitors, it is not exactly just to make you jealous but more like to see if you do show any signs of jealousy because they are trying to figure out if you are interested or not. Like it's not that they want you to feel jealous in a malicious way but again they are just trying to gauge you.

 

I think part of it is because lots of women can enjoy a friendship with a guy like you said, but lots of guys are not the same with that. So a lot of the time a woman will also be thinking in terms of trying not to ruin the friendship. So if she was very forward and you rejected her, then it could make things too awkward and ruin the friendship.

 

Can you share how you met each other and how you came to be closer friends?

 

Also what did you say when she mentioned guys at college being interested in her?

 

Also do you give any signs that you are also attracted to her?

 

Plus you say it "isn't really that way for me" so does this mean you don't really want to be friends with her, you are just interested in dating? Because if so then I would say you might as well try to flirt with her then, right?

[Area57]

Can you share how you met each other and how you came to be closer friends?

WE STARTED BY GOING TO THE GYM TOGETHER AS WORKOUT BUDDIES AND THEN IT PROGRESSED TO PICKING HER UP TO GO TO THE GYM EVEN ON DAYS SHE DIDNT FEEL LIKE GOING TO THE GYM

 

Also what did you say when she mentioned guys at college being interested in her?

OH, I HANDLED THAT ONE COMPLETELY POORLY. I JUST ASKED IF SHE WAS GOING TO GO WITH THEM AND IF HE WAS HOT, DOH! I SHOULD HAVE EXPRESSED EVEN SOME JOKING JEALOUSY. SHE SAID SHE WASN'T INTERESTED IN HIM.

Also do you give any signs that you are also attracted to her?

NO, I HIDE THEM AND DO NOT THINK SHE KNOWS. I ACT ONLY LIKE A FRIEND. BUT I CAN CHANGE THAT

Plus you say it "isn't really that way for me" so does this mean you don't really want to be friends with her, you are just interested in dating?

I'M NOT SURE. I WOULD LIKE TO BE FRIENDS BUT DON'T KNOW HOW IT WOULD BE IF SHE STARTED DATING.

 

Because if so then I would say you might as well try to flirt with her then, right?

[Herbalist]

Oh yes that is a strong sign. If she said a guy was interested in her, and then followed up with saying she was not interested in him after trying to gauge your response. If she was not interested in him and it was just some random guy, then she would have no reason to bring it up in the first place unless she was trying to gauge your interest. If she was interested in him, then there would have been possible other reasons like seeking your advice. Then you say she made sure to tell you that she was not interested in him so in essence that she is still available.

 

If I had to make a quantified guess I would say your chances are around 90% based on that and everything else you have shared. Still not 100% as nothing is 100% until you hear it from the person themself so don't freak the hell out or anything, or else if it was all just coincidence and misunderstanding then you might feel hurt and disappointed. But still I would say definitely try a little flirting, your chances are good. Asking if the guy was hot might actually make her wonder if you are secretly gay (and there is nothing wrong with that of course but it would mean she has no chance with you as well). So don't wait forever to try a little bit flirting with her.

 

But also I would say to be mindful of the age difference, she is much more vulnerable than you so do not be pushy for sex if the two of you date, and also remind yourself that she may change quite a bit in the next couple of years as this happens for lots of people in college, she is still discovering herself so take things chill and slow.

[Area57]

Yeah I did mess that up, but ok, it wasn't as bad as I made it sound, I don't think I used the word hot. I think she said was told somebody was interested in her and I said, Is he pretty good looking? It just kind came out. I think I meant it to tease her, but it was really that I didn't know what to say, didn't know why she was telling me, so I kind just put foot in mouth with the first thing that came to mind. She definitely doesn't think I'm gay.

 

The biggest worry I would have is that I didn't react jealously at all. I should have said some half joke like, oh I don't know, "want me to come beat him up for you?" well...you see I'm not good at creating one liners. But point is I didn't give her the reaction she wanted, if in fact she wanted me to react.

 

So how should I repair that damage before she thinks I have no interest. Mentally moves on, and forever puts me in the friend zone box in her mind.

 

I think if she has attraction, once you kill it it's gone and if you forever don't act, then she isn't going to wait forever.

 

So what are some good ways to flirt and test the water? I think that would be good. To ramp it up a notch and test the water. that way I don't blow the friendship if I'm wrong.

 

I'll give you the 90% thing. That's what I feel.

[Herbalist]

No no don't talk about beating people up. Your natural self was way better than that haha. I mean think about it. She has been hanging out with you for two months. You are over 10 years older than her. She could be hanging out with younger, better looking guys her age, but she chooses to hang out with you instead. And she's not even getting sex or money or anything from you, so that rules out that possible angle. If she likes you, then she likes you. So don't be phony as that itself could screw it up. All I'm saying is show her a sign man.

 

Let's see, tell me how you feel about her. Just whatever comes to your mind. Plus have your feelings towards her changed at all since you first met her. How did you meet her and what were your thoughts in that moment when you met her. And tell me one little but specific thing you like about her. Let's start with that.

[Area57]

Well, I don't know about better looking haha:cool:

 

Let's see. I met her through a family friend. She had just moved here and they wanted me to show her around. Pretty soon we were just seeing each other all the time. Don't really know how that happened but it did.

 

One thing I like about her. She is a fantastic companion and super easy to get along with.

 

Have my feelings changed? I'm sure so, I do know her better now. Where before it was just to be nice. I genuinely care about her, at least as a friend. After that I am not sure. This is new to me.

[Herbalist]

What makes her easy to get along with? What makes her a great companion?

[Area57]

Well, easy to talk to, pretty non judgmental. Willing to do and try most anything within normal healthy limits. Not a couch potato, not lazy. That's mainly it. I think we just get along well. Which isn't something I can describe exactly why.

[elaine567]

Difficult to say here.

She has just moved there, so her social circle will be small so having a reliable and safe older guy showing her round and hanging about with her is a bonus.

Many women like having guy friends, and many can have close or very close relationships with men, but they would never date them, as they have friend-zoned them.

She may have done this to you, she may be likes hanging out with you, but she doesn't see you in a sexual way at all. You are just a friendly gym buddy.

She may be mentioning the guys at college as she has noticed you may be getting interested and it is a way of telling you not to get your hopes up, she has other options now.

 

On the other hand... She could be besotted with you. Who knows?

 

However.

 

It seems to me that when older guys fall for very much younger women, it is often the older guy that is the one to get hurt.

He sees her as wife/"serious"/settling down/mother material, and she isn't ready for any of that, and leaves at about 23-25 to go pursue younger guys or to go "partying".

College educated women tend to want to settle down late 20s, early thirties and by that time you will be well into your 40s...

Be careful.

Edited October 27, 2016 by elaine567
How do you know if a girl...friend, likes you?

[Herbalist]

Uh well, I was sort of going for something along the lines of like, "I love her freckles and the way she always lights up when she sees me." Then I was thinking I would take your answers and try to forge them into some sort of flirty but not overtly sexual compliment. But I am not sure how well it would go over if you tried to compliment her with something like looking into her eyes and saying, "I love how you are not some lazy potato."

 

But hey maybe it would work for you. Seems that you and her are a bit similar? You say she acts a bit silly and smiles a lot in a shy/embarrassed way (which is only a good sign because she keeps coming over to your house, so for that reason I think you are reading it right). Then like here you are struggling to articulate what you like about her even in writing to the anonymous internet.

 

Maybe you are both shy, slightly awkward goofballs and that is part of why she likes you. So I would say don't screw it up with some phony planned thing that would sound unnatural for you. It might just sound creepy as a result. Maybe you should just straight up ask her on a date-date. Like all you have to do is call it a date. Like.. "I'd like to take you on a date this weekend, would you be interested in (the date activity) with me?" And just see how she responds to that.

[Area57]

lol, but you didn't ask what I liked about the way she looks, you asked what made her a good companion and easy to get along with. Freckles ain't it. But I see what you are saying. Let's not do the date idea. Let's do the first idea.

 

I think, actually, complimenting her looks and letting her know I think she is pretty would be the perfect start. Because you can do that pretty easily without it being a straight yes or no like a date.

 

How do you recommend? You have more ideas than i do. I think you may be better at this than me.

 

It has got to be more than "you look pretty today" it has to be I start some flirting and see how the response is.

[Herbalist]

Well here is how I am thinking of it, see if you compliment her looks in a sexual sort of way and you are wrong about her liking you romantically then your head might fall off or something, I mean if you are scared to even ask her on a date. But if you compliment her in more polite way then you will probably be back here like. "I told her I thought she had a pretty smile, and she said thank you. What does it mean???" So maybe like just ask her on a date.

[Herbalist]

Oh hey you know what else, you said you met her through friends/family right? Could you ask any of them, like maybe they know and you could prod for hints.

[elaine567]

You're 35, have you never asked girls on dates? or are you just scared it will end this "beautiful friendship".

 

I agree with herbalist, all the compliments in the world will not get you where you want to be. You have to put your intentions clearly on the line.

NO, "Fancy hanging out on the beach/going to a gig/walk in the park/hike n the mountains/something to eat this Saturday as those can be misconstrued as just more "friend" activity.

You have to mention "date" and going on a "date" with you, as opposed to the fuzzier "Its a date then."

[Area57]

Lol. Ok. You're totally right. I agree. I am way overthinking this. I will take your advice.

 

It's not that I haven't ever asked someone on a date. I don't think I have ever asked someone on a date and cared if they said yes. Usually you don't really know them and there's no harm. They say no, no big deal. Nothing lost.

 

Honestly I think somewhere in the back of my mind It's more that I don't want to be an older sleazy guy.

 

But you can't go through life being too shy to do anything about anything. So thanks for the nudge in the right direction.

Edited October 29, 2016 by Area57

[Herbalist]

An older sleazy guy is just a little entitled boy in his mind and thinks it is appropriate to go around being uh well inappropriate towards much younger women and then also being pushy and creepy about it. They are also usually narcissists who assume that every other young woman who looks at them must want their dick. They also tend to prey on vulnerable young women who are damaged and looking for father figures. All of this is what makes a guy a sleazy old creep. Just because a guy happens to meet and start to have feelings for a younger woman doesn't automatically make him like this so don't worry about it.

[preraph]

She's young and no matter what happens between you now, she's going to break away sometime soon and live the life she's supposed to be living. She has all the options open to her and she'll take them if she has any brains at all.