JelatineDessert Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 I guess you can say that I am not a dating expert at all, so I've had my fair share of unsuccessful dates. I'm in my early 20s and started dating around 19. I recently picked up a few books on dating and read all the tips and do's/don't of dating. As I was reading, I realized how many mistakes I had been making without even realizing it. I know this is an odd assumption, but can someone mess up their chances of being with the person (or persons) meant for them by making dating mistakes that they have not learned about or mastered yet? (I say mastered since dating is a skill to be practiced). I often beat myself up for messing it up on dates and committing faux pas, thinking to myself "What if this guy was for me? Because I lack dating skills so much, I blew my chances and lost him now..." Do you think the right person is put in your life when you're ill-prepared? Or do you think the right person will come into my life when I am in fact prepared? I just want to stop beating myself up....I look around and see so many people in relationships and blame myself for not knowing better Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Jelly There is a vital bit you are missing. If you are not with them then they are not "the one"... Also there is no such thing as "the one"... There are people we get on with and people we don't. In a romantic situation there are a few we get on with. We then choose which we feel is most suitable as our mate and make a decision to stay with them... Its OK to make mistakes when you learn from them... You are also failing to see all the people NOT in relationships... Takes all sorts to make a world! Keep reading and keep practicing and above all just get to know yourself and develop self awareness... That way you can deal with the roller coaster far better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 It's definitely possible to mess up a relationship and a future with a person who is a good match for you by making typical young and dumb mistakes. I know I have. But, the only way to get better is to make and learn from the mistakes. We have to go through the process. You have to bad before you can be good and good before you can be great at anything. So don't worry about your mistakes. Just learn from them and make yourself better for that next good match. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Kaiten Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 There's no such thing as a person meant for you. All this marriage hype and love culture is stuff that is relatively new to our species. I mean, a lot of us are taking it and running with it, but the downside is that some people get really caught up in this "game" we've invented and taken it too seriously. You can lose anyone. There's always such a thing as the last straw. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 We've all messed up when dating. But rest assured that nobody is "meant for us". There will always be the option of a new relationship with no mistakes in it. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Yes it's possible to mess up but it's also possible to make it right by owning up , keeping ego aside and showing that you are willing to work to make it work. Relationships are hard. Yes , the best relationships are when you are not looking ! Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Depends what kind of dating mistakes. They say women shouldn't offer their phone number first, I did. They say women shouldn't approach exclusivity first, I did. We have been dating 1 year so breaking those dating rules ended up being beneficial for me. When you meet someone and he likes you, really likes you, it's not little dating mistakes that will chase him away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 I guess you can say that I am not a dating expert at all, so I've had my fair share of unsuccessful dates. I'm in my early 20s and started dating around 19. I recently picked up a few books on dating and read all the tips and do's/don't of dating. As I was reading, I realized how many mistakes I had been making without even realizing it. I know this is an odd assumption, but can someone mess up their chances of being with the person (or persons) meant for them by making dating mistakes that they have not learned about or mastered yet? (I say mastered since dating is a skill to be practiced). I often beat myself up for messing it up on dates and committing faux pas, thinking to myself "What if this guy was for me? Because I lack dating skills so much, I blew my chances and lost him now..." Do you think the right person is put in your life when you're ill-prepared? Or do you think the right person will come into my life when I am in fact prepared? I just want to stop beating myself up....I look around and see so many people in relationships and blame myself for not knowing better Don't take those books to gospel, as everyone is different...unless you've burped or farted at the restaurant table, along with other obviously rude things that the general public would find rude....for instance, a Donald Trump ...LOL...then I can see you would need to correct some things. ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Dating is about attraction and compatibility. It's not about messing up unless you are rude or abusive on the dates. If you just make awkward mistakes or moves it isn't going to stop a guy from pursuing you if he is attracted to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fugu Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 If someone's not in your life, they're not meant for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fugu Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 It's definitely possible to mess up a relationship and a future with a person who is a good match for you by making typical young and dumb mistakes. I know I have. But, the only way to get better is to make and learn from the mistakes. We have to go through the process. You have to bad before you can be good and good before you can be great at anything. So don't worry about your mistakes. Just learn from them and make yourself better for that next good match. This. I think it's easy to look back and realize that maybe a relationship could have worked out better if we had done things differently, if we had been more mature and known what we wanted out of our lives. But it's just a part of our evolution as individuals. It's better if we can accept that, whatever unfortunate things happened in the past, it was ultimately for our benefit. The real problem is when we keep repeating the same mistakes, falling into the same patterns of behavior that sabotage our relationships. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 I don't really believe in the one that's meant for you. It's very fairy tale and tends to lead people to sleepwalking through their relationships because they've already found the one. Relationships take a lot of time and care to build from the time you meet, until the end. Doesn't matter how perfect you and some guy seem on paper, if you are this bad at dating. But what kind of mistakes are you making? I may be wrong, but I think men tend to be more forgiving of dating mistakes than women are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JelatineDessert Posted October 27, 2016 Author Share Posted October 27, 2016 I don't really believe in the one that's meant for you. It's very fairy tale and tends to lead people to sleepwalking through their relationships because they've already found the one. Relationships take a lot of time and care to build from the time you meet, until the end. Doesn't matter how perfect you and some guy seem on paper, if you are this bad at dating. But what kind of mistakes are you making? I may be wrong, but I think men tend to be more forgiving of dating mistakes than women are. I'm talking about dating mistakes like from the book "You Had him at Hello". I don't know if you've read it but there's tons of things in there that I didn't know about before. 2 months ago, I had a first date with a guy I like and since it was a while ago, I can't remember if I did anything unfavorable. I think I left both dates thinking that it went well and that I did good. But then again, this was before I even read those books, so maybe I made errors and didn't even know! Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 No I've never read it, and I'm not much of a believer in those kinds of things. I think you either have a good time with someone and are attracted to them or not. I don't think following or not following a bunch of unwritten rules is going to make a whole lot of difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SwordofFlame Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 I'm talking about dating mistakes like from the book "You Had him at Hello". I don't know if you've read it but there's tons of things in there that I didn't know about before. 2 months ago, I had a first date with a guy I like and since it was a while ago, I can't remember if I did anything unfavorable. I think I left both dates thinking that it went well and that I did good. But then again, this was before I even read those books, so maybe I made errors and didn't even know! The problem is you can do one identical set of things with multiple people and get multiple sets of results. A mistake might doom you with one person, but not another. I also don't believe in one person person out there for you. Most people are probably compatible with more than one person. Link to post Share on other sites
Poe77 Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 It's definitely possible to mess up a relationship and a future with a person who is a good match for you by making typical young and dumb mistakes. I know I have. But, the only way to get better is to make and learn from the mistakes. We have to go through the process. You have to bad before you can be good and good before you can be great at anything. So don't worry about your mistakes. Just learn from them and make yourself better for that next good match. This one!... Tho looking back now that im almost 40 I can honestly say none of my dating choices were really "right" for me up until my current bf I honestly couldn't see anyone as even close to my perfect match even the guy I almost married it was like I was going thu the motions. Even this relationship needs work but I think we have the best foundation out of any of them..So I guess to answer your Q from my stand point no I dont think you will lose the perfect person before the time is right if you do they were not the right one anyways.. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 I'm talking about dating mistakes like from the book "You Had him at Hello". I don't know if you've read it but there's tons of things in there that I didn't know about before. 2 months ago, I had a first date with a guy I like and since it was a while ago, I can't remember if I did anything unfavorable. I think I left both dates thinking that it went well and that I did good. But then again, this was before I even read those books, so maybe I made errors and didn't even know! I have read a whole heap of those books, including the one you mention... You just have to take some of it with a pinch of salt. We are all different and what works for one will not work for another. You need to concentrate on liking yourself (no loving who you are) that way your positives shine and your negatives (trust me we all have them) are less obvious. Most of the time you are not going to get second dates. Either you will not like them all that much or they will not like you all that much... Simple fact! Its two dates... to be honest I would expect you to have several more good first dates before you find someone you want a second with... Concentrate on the person and not finding a relationship... The person is far more important... Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 No. You can't lose a person meant for you. Whether you ever find that person to begin with is a different story. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 (edited) I guess you can say that I am not a dating expert at all, so I've had my fair share of unsuccessful dates. I'm in my early 20s and started dating around 19. I recently picked up a few books on dating and read all the tips and do's/don't of dating. As I was reading, I realized how many mistakes I had been making without even realizing it. I know this is an odd assumption, but can someone mess up their chances of being with the person (or persons) meant for them by making dating mistakes that they have not learned about or mastered yet? (I say mastered since dating is a skill to be practiced). I often beat myself up for messing it up on dates and committing faux pas, thinking to myself "What if this guy was for me? Because I lack dating skills so much, I blew my chances and lost him now..." Do you think the right person is put in your life when you're ill-prepared? Or do you think the right person will come into my life when I am in fact prepared? I just want to stop beating myself up....I look around and see so many people in relationships and blame myself for not knowing better IMHO to pontificate about what life would be like with people you haven't really dated or don't really know, or who have rejected you for little things you have unintentionally done during the first few dates is in retrospect ... dumb. What makes you think that person was such a great match for you if they nexted you after a few or several hours of face time? Relationships are built on being able to be together for countless hours. Now, if you've been married for 10 years and have 2 kids and cheated on your spouse who you love deeply and you lost her ... now THAT is a different story. Edited October 28, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 I guess you can say that I am not a dating expert at all, so I've had my fair share of unsuccessful dates. I'm in my early 20s and started dating around 19. I recently picked up a few books on dating and read all the tips and do's/don't of dating. As I was reading, I realized how many mistakes I had been making without even realizing it. I know this is an odd assumption, but can someone mess up their chances of being with the person (or persons) meant for them by making dating mistakes that they have not learned about or mastered yet? (I say mastered since dating is a skill to be practiced). I often beat myself up for messing it up on dates and committing faux pas, thinking to myself "What if this guy was for me? Because I lack dating skills so much, I blew my chances and lost him now..." Do you think the right person is put in your life when you're ill-prepared? Or do you think the right person will come into my life when I am in fact prepared? I just want to stop beating myself up....I look around and see so many people in relationships and blame myself for not knowing better I am 52 years old, starting dating in earnest when I was 17, had several serious LTRs, a number of FWBs, some ONSs and lots of casual dates that didn't really amount to much until I married at 31 (we are celebrating our 21st anniversary today :-) ) and we have had several years of being seriously involved in the swinging lifestyle as a married couple. So while I do not consider myself an "expert" in dating per se, I do have a lot of life experience with a variety of relationships and dating and sexual applications and I have observed many other people and their relationships for over half a century. I believe you are looking at this all wrong and are taking the dating books way too literally. Remember, the primary objective of the author of a book is to sell books and make money for him/herself. The best way he/she can do that is to convince you that you are doing it wrong and are making mistakes so that that you need to buy their book. The only "mistakes" you can make in dating are to mean, hurtful, abusive, drunk/addicted, abandon, and to cheat on the person you are dating at the time. Those things indicate bad character and bad behavior and if you do those things then you are not 'right' for anyone. If you do those things, then people are right to stop dating you. Barring any of those bad behaviors and hurtful actions, there really are no other "mistakes" in dating. Dating at it's core is doing things with and spending time with someone to get to know each other and to see if you want to move forward with them and ultimately have a home and family with them. To do that, you need to be yourselves. You need to be you. There will be a number of people that you do not click with and you will find that you are not a match. When that happens you need to go your separate ways. There is no harm, no foul and no shame in that. That is why we date. In time you will find the right match for you and when you find that right match it will not matter how many txts you send in a day or how soon you respond to a txt. It will not matter how soon or how delayed you have sex. It will not matter who pays for what during the date or at what time you each meet each other's friends and families. There is no "MISTAKE" when you are being a good person and being yourself. You are not a mistake. There for you do not need to fit in a specific mold in order to meet the person that is right for you. Don't be mean. Don't be hurtful. Don't be a drunk or an addict. Don't be abusive. Don't be a cheater. And don't treat anyone you date as 'less than.' Those are the only actual mistakes you can make in ANY relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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