SingleDad82 Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 This is my first post here, so first of all I'd like to say I am looking forward to talking with any of you who have experienced this.. I am going to do my best to explain my situation here. My Ex wife and mother of my 2 kids left me unexpectedly about a year ago in November, much to my surprise, for a co-worker.I was your typically happily married man. I loved my wife, bent over backwards to make her happy. Worked the typical 40 hr work week and (since she was a nurse) spent the only free time I had left after the work week caring for our children, cooking, cleaning, and doing yard work. I felt like a prisoner.. but I was okay with it because it wasn't about my ultimate happiness. It was about my family.Once I caught her cheating the second time,(the first was an Emotional Affair involving only texts with a different guy, the second was physical) I simple gave the ultimatum that I would not compete for my own wife's affection and gave her the choice and she chose him. We subsequently divorced a short 6 months later. She has been in serious relationship with the guy she cheated on me with since the separation. Since the separation, she has brought this guy around my kids and from what I can tell, it looks as though this relationship is the real deal to her, and rumors have circulated that there has even been talks of marriage. I'm good with all of that.. Will it work out? I'd like to think likely it won't but what real value does it bring to my life to worry about such things? I'm not sure if it will or it won't, but I know no one deserves to be cheated on, and I certainly won't tolerate it. What I struggle with, is that I want more than anything to have ZERO contact with her. But, the way our child care is setup I have to see her 2 days a week to drop off the kids so NC is difficult. It's gotten to the point that I am at peace with the relationship.. but I will not associate with it. I don't speak to her when I drop them off and I certainly do not under any circumstances reach out to her throughout the week, for anything. I wish it wasn't this way, but it seems that every time she opens her mouth, it's just to rub her relationship in my face. A guy with the integrity of his.. no effect. I've spent time focusing on myself, tried dating a bit, only to realize I'm no where near ready to commit my heart again after the trauma. Things are good, though I struggle at times with the bitterness of seeing her in such a "happy" relationship with this guy after the devastation she caused our family. Either way, My biggest issue is how "okay" and non remorseful she's been throughout the whole thing. How can someone be so recklessly destructive with a smile on their face? Anyways, to my question. How and in what ways have any of you dealt with a similar situation? I'd like to maximize NC to the fullest as I can having 2 kids with this person. And how, if ever, have any of you dealt with a situation of having to subject yourself to the other man/woman's presence at soccer games, "family" events, etc? If I had my choice, I'd just as soon cut her and her enablers (family) out of my life completely.. They certainly had no issues doing it to me once she introduced my replacement. Thanks all! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 The only suggestion I can think of is to hire someone (you know really well) to pick up and drop off the kids so you don't have to see your ex. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Are your kids old enough to be going to school or pre-school? Lots of families transition from one house to the next at school. Drop them off in the morning, and she picks up in the afternoon, or vice versa. As for seeing him at family events...that is tougher. I think the only way you can really do it is just to put your kids first and foremost. Focus on them and their experience. Smile and act like you don't care about her or him or what they do. Pick up your chin, slap on a smile, and fake it till you make it. And you will make it to meh. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 You are doing fine. A hard 180 will get you where you need to be. It just takes time. Theothrf thing is you probably did too much in the relationship. It should be balanced @ 50/50. If you do to much they'll take advance and lose respect for you. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download for your next relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Never go a holiday, birthday together. Set up your own time and let her do the same. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 I agree with Marc. Throw your own parties for the kids. Don't ask her permission. Don't go to social events. Is there any tested person who can do drop-offs and pick-ups for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 If she wants to rub that guy in your face, she's not happy happy. She might need your discomfort to feel better about herself. She needs to think she's happier than you. Screw that. I totally agree on having a 3rd party deal with the kid swap. You can also put on your acting boots and act really self satisfied and happy. Distracted by your happiness, if you will. Too distracted to even acknowledge her. Look up the grey rock technique. It's to disarm narcissists and manipulators. The greatest thing you can do is live an authentic happy life. It's best for you and your kids, you know that. You can obliquely punish the ex by being so past this. It will eventually be true, why not act that way now. It's amazing how many unforeseen conflicts I've had when family functions pop up. Crazy lol. I told my wh that when he cheated I was no longer able or willing to do PR for his family. And once he and his family disrespected me, making myself uncomfortable to show them respect was no longer something I was willing to do. I don't need to play games for happy family image management. Good luck. The time and love you're putting in as a dad will last longer than whatever relationship your wife is in at the moment. And priceless dividends. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 As for her not being remorseful...don't ask why. She is a cheater. That is all you need to know. She lacks character and morals. You need to teach your children character and do what you can to make sure they know her behavior is not appropriate. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad82 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Share Posted October 27, 2016 So I managed to figure this out... and I think it'll be worth the extra. Normally, the WW and I would meet at my gym and do the trade off regularly twice a week. However, I've realized today that I can pay an extra $20 a month and use their playcare service.. I don't care if they are there 15 mins before she gets them.. the ability it gives me of true NC is far more illustrious to me.. amiright? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 So I managed to figure this out... and I think it'll be worth the extra. Normally, the WW and I would meet at my gym and do the trade off regularly twice a week. However, I've realized today that I can pay an extra $20 a month and use their playcare service.. I don't care if they are there 15 mins before she gets them.. the ability it gives me of true NC is far more illustrious to me.. amiright? I don't think you can drop them off and leave can you? Don't you have to be on the premises while they are in playcare? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad82 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Share Posted October 27, 2016 I don't think you can drop them off and leave can you? Don't you have to be on the premises while they are in playcare? I wouldn't be leaving.. but rather than switching them into her car in the parking lot of the gym twice a week.. she would just come inside and get them while I was working out inside. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Tell her from now on you will only communicate via texts and e-mail. No more face to face. Or your lawyer will call her lawyer if he needs something. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whatnotagain Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 My situation was similar to yours except I am 20 years down the road from the day I divorced my ex-wife, who ironically was a healthcare worker at a hospital who became involved with another co-worker. My youngest daughter was 2 years old at the time we divorced and she turned 22 years old this year. Having gone through all those years of paying support, arranging visitation, attending birthdays, school events, vacations, etc. you’re are going to discover that the least of your problems is having to see her. What you’re going to find out is that the biggest problem for you in the future is maintaining consistent access to your children without her interference. Whether you like it or not you are in some way tied to your ex for the rest of your life. When your children become adults, as all of mine are now, they are not going arrange separate birthdays, weddings, and holiday gatherings so you and the ex-wife don’t have to be around each other. You’re going to have to get used to the fact that you will see her from time to time. Work on yourself to the point that you are able to be around your ex without it affecting you in a negative way. I’m afraid that your current negative view of your ex will eventually cause you to limit access to your children all because you don’t want to see or be around her. I’m not sure if you’re the custodial or non-custodial parent, but assume that you do not have primary custody. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
howtoproceed Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 @ singledad82 and whatnotagain My wife is also a nurse. Mind if I ask where your WWs met their AP? On the job by any chance? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad82 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Share Posted October 27, 2016 No, She is the custodial parent.. But, frankly, I don't think given the manner in which I was treated by her, this guy (who I had dinner with on countless occasions with her work friends) and her family has treated me that having joint engagements that aren't a recipe for disaster.. I just makes more sense to limit our interaction regardless of how I view her. I haven't been having "trouble" dropping them off to her.. I guess what my point is is why deal with an awkward situation when I have avenues that can remove her from my direct life interactions TWICE a WEEK? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad82 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Share Posted October 27, 2016 @ singledad82 and whatnotagain My wife is also a nurse. Mind if I ask where your WWs met their AP? On the job by any chance? Yep. on the job..ER.. those 12 hour shifts leave for a lot of "bonding time." With a narcissist getting her belly's worth of attention from paramedics.. it's a breeding ground for infidelity. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Whatnotagain Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 howtoproceed - My ex worked as a clerk in an SICU and later as a clerk in a Labor & Delivery ward. She met the AP who was also a clerk in a Labor & Delivery ward. Both of them were working at the time to obtain their BSN's and become RN's. I don't know if he was the only one she was involved with but is the one that I know of and she admitted to. The relationship did not work out for her as he told her he was gay and did not want to marry her. She ended up marrying someone else that a nurse at her work introduced her to....the ex-husband of another nurse she was friends with. Singledad82 - I am not saying that you have to do things together jointly with your ex, only that at some point in the future it is going to happen. You are going to have to be around her (and possibly him), her family, and her friends and all their crappiness that they bring because of your kids. So be prepared for that and find a way to be around them if you have to. I see people all the time exchanging their kids in parking lots, sides of the road, places off the side of the freeway and I am glad that we were able to pick up and drop the kids from at our homes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 The only suggestion I can think of is to hire someone (you know really well) to pick up and drop off the kids so you don't have to see your ex. Is there any tested person who can do drop-offs and pick-ups for you? Normally, the WW and I would meet at my gym and do the trade off regularly twice a week. However, I've realized today that I can pay an extra $20 a month and use their playcare service.. I don't care if they are there 15 mins before she gets them.. the ability it gives me of true NC is far more illustrious to me.. amiright? I just think this is the wrong approach. SingleDad82, life has indeed given you lemons in this regard. But I'm sure you know the next step - lemonade. You give her power over you through your negative reaction to seeing her, time to take it back. Put a smile on your face, hold you head up and bluff your way through if necessary but get through these 5 minute interactions, it's important to you and your kids. Growth comes from facing these challenges, not from avoiding them. "Mom and Dad can't even stand to be in the same room" sends the wrong message to your kids. Be calm, cordial and neutral when you see her but see her you must, it's part of co-parenting young children. And it's also part of moving on ... Mr. Lucky 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Honestly, you have children. You're just going have to take the advice of fake it until you make it. It will get easier. Raising kids is work and requires communication. About the kids. Email and text don't always cut it. You will have events that in order to both be involved parents you can't miss. The goal is to be excellent coparents. You may want to see about counselling on that. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Whatnotagain Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Are you familiar with the expression that nature abhors a vacuum? Create one and the degenerate that you loathe so much may try and fill it. Inject yourself into every situation possible. Back to school night, parent teacher conferences, doctor appointments, counseling appointments, you need to be there. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Go for the gym idea like you said. This will get easier once the kids are in school. She can drop them off to school and you can pick them up, or vice versa. The weekends, though, will be a challenge if she's the type to want to come up to you and chat during the exchanges. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 I wouldn't be leaving.. but rather than switching them into her car in the parking lot of the gym twice a week.. she would just come inside and get them while I was working out inside. That seems perfectly legitimate to me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Showing any kind of anger or resentment to her does two things. First you give her another shovel full of coal for the fire that's burning in you and most of all, you never heal. I had to put up with an ex wife that went out of her way to twist the knife just because she thought she could. The problem was I gave her the go ahead with my way of dealing with her. She also had custody of our daughter and used her as a weapon. I came to realize that what was more important was being the best dad I could be and when she tried to twist the knife and give me a hard time, I just blew it off. She got off my seeing me get mad and bent out of shape. Once I stopped letting her, then she had nothing, zilch, nada, zip. Look at it this way. She's a liar and a cheat. Now she's with her affair partner. Now it's his problem. If she couldn't be faithful to you, then you know full well that chances are that if some other guy comes along, this guy will get the kick in the teeth. Consider yourself lucky you don't have to deal with her. If you have to have any contact with her, paste a smile on your face and don't give her the satisfaction. People like her are indestructible when it comes to something like this and the only way they learn their lesson is when the shoe is on the other foot. Be the best dad you could be for your kids and leave her to her own devices. Sooner or later it will cone crashing down on her. Been there. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad82 Posted October 28, 2016 Author Share Posted October 28, 2016 It's going to be better for me in the long run, I know. But, I will admit I struggle constantly having to hear her tell me how happy she is with a guy she cheated on her husband with. People on social media sending me photos shes posted publicly of them together, etc. It's disgusting to me that she can be so proud of what she's done. I valued our marriage and the family we built together, to see me so easily discarded and removed from my home and my everyday life with my kids and it all given to a person like him infuriates me. I do my best to belly that feeling and just push through it, but it's still very upsetting.. There is nothing I would honestly enjoy more than to see that joke of a "relationship" go down in flames Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Tell your friends to stop sending you info on what she and her bf are doing. That isn't helping you. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
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