Ex-wife and mother of 2 kids left me for a co-worker and in serious relationship

[aliveagain]

She has moved on and you need to do the same. I know it is easier said then done but in time you will get there. The marriage and the intimate relationship you had with her is over but you will always be parents to some amazing kids and that is your new role together. The less contact you have with her the better you will be. She will go through the same feelings you are now going through when she finds out you are getting married again. There will come a time when you will be indifferent to their relationship and that only happens with time. She cheated, that will be with her the rest of her life, that will always be on her life resume. Just make sure you get the help you need so none of this baggage follows you into your next relationship. On the other hand, you will always be baggage in their relationship regardless of how long it lasts.

 

You have a great opportunity to meet some amazing people going forward, how exciting to see how it all unfolds. Don't waste anymore of your time on this woman that proved to the world she wasn't worthy of you. Don't give her that power over you, leave her where she belongs, in your past. Take my word on this, one day she will just be another face in the crowd. Don't look back, don't let her have that power over your thoughts. Live your new life on your terms.

[JustJoe]

What the **** are you talking about?

Going Dark? Sounds like a Rambo movie, not a viable co-parenting situation. The OP has kids, so perhaps you can explain HOW he is going to"go Dark" on the mom and still be a part of his kids lives.. The OP is trying to come to terms with the co-parenting situation, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't need anybody to tell him how bad his ex wife is.

[JustJoe]

unfortunately -- it's really not that simple. at all. he needs access to his children: 50% would be IDEAL. he won't cement his status as the father by being kind to the ex; he'll cement his status by being THERE for the children and actively raising them, participating in every aspect of their lives, decision making and so on. dealing with an X is always heard... now, being cheated on sucks. being cheated on, dumped for that person, forced to watch that person interact and build a relationship with YOUR children? now that SUPER SUCKS. it sucks so much that minimum contact with parallel parenting seems like a great idea for now - when the OP is ready... he'll decide how to handle it.

 

therapy is a must, if the OP can afford it.

You post makes no sense. You say that being kind to his ex, won't cement his status as the father. So, BEING unkind WILL? Good idea, be nasty to her and see how cooperative she will be. If his ex has primary custody, then it Behooves the OP to find a way to get over his feelings. I agree it's hard, but it has to be done for the kids sake. OP, you and your ex are going to interact, for the next 20-25 years, at the very least, so you need to get a handle on this sooner rather than later.

My advice still stands, treat your ex as the maid or nanny, do MORE than your share of the parenting activities, limit all communications with the ex to childcare issues, and don't volunteer any small talk . If she begins to brag about her relationship, just smile and nod and change it back to kids talk as soon as you can. Because, bottom line, there is no way you can INCREASE your contact with the kids, and DECREASE your contact with their mother, at the same time. Why? Because they live in the same house. All of the schemes you are being told about are either unworkable, or only stopgap ideas and won't help you, in the long run. As unpleasant as it is, the happier your ex is, the more contact with your kids you will get.

Edited December 4, 2016 by JustJoe

[road]

Going Dark? Sounds like a Rambo movie, not a viable co-parenting situation. The OP has kids, so perhaps you can explain HOW he is going to"go Dark" on the mom and still be a part of his kids lives.. The OP is trying to come to terms with the co-parenting situation, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't need anybody to tell him how bad his ex wife is.

 

 

 

It is parallel parenting. All communication is only about the kids and done throw an intermediary/third party to filter out the non children content.

[JustJoe]

It is parallel parenting. All communication is only about the kids and done throw an intermediary/third party to filter out the non children content.

What a great idea. And really good for the kids, too. Way to make them feel , normal. Why not have them escorted by the police, or implant a chip in them to make sure everything is on the up and up.

OR, both parents could put the kids first, and act like adults. This "parellel parenting " sounds like the epitome of selfishness, to me.

[Miss Clavel]

This is my first post here, so first of all I'd like to say I am looking forward to talking with any of you who have experienced this.. I am going to do my best to explain my situation here.

 

My Ex wife and mother of my 2 kids left me unexpectedly about a year ago in November, much to my surprise, for a co-worker.I was your typically happily married man. I loved my wife, bent over backwards to make her happy. Worked the typical 40 hr work week and (since she was a nurse) spent the only free time I had left after the work week caring for our children, cooking, cleaning, and doing yard work. I felt like a prisoner.. but I was okay with it because it wasn't about my ultimate happiness. It was about my family.Once I caught her cheating the second time,(the first was an Emotional Affair involving only texts with a different guy, the second was physical) I simple gave the ultimatum that I would not compete for my own wife's affection and gave her the choice and she chose him. We subsequently divorced a short 6 months later. She has been in serious relationship with the guy she cheated on me with since the separation.

 

Since the separation, she has brought this guy around my kids and from what I can tell, it looks as though this relationship is the real deal to her, and rumors have circulated that there has even been talks of marriage.

 

I'm good with all of that.. Will it work out? I'd like to think likely it won't but what real value does it bring to my life to worry about such things? I'm not sure if it will or it won't, but I know no one deserves to be cheated on, and I certainly won't tolerate it.

 

What I struggle with, is that I want more than anything to have ZERO contact with her. But, the way our child care is setup I have to see her 2 days a week to drop off the kids so NC is difficult. It's gotten to the point that I am at peace with the relationship.. but I will not associate with it.

 

I don't speak to her when I drop them off and I certainly do not under any circumstances reach out to her throughout the week, for anything. I wish it wasn't this way, but it seems that every time she opens her mouth, it's just to rub her relationship in my face. A guy with the integrity of his.. no effect.

 

I've spent time focusing on myself, tried dating a bit, only to realize I'm no where near ready to commit my heart again after the trauma. Things are good, though I struggle at times with the bitterness of seeing her in such a "happy" relationship with this guy after the devastation she caused our family.

 

Either way, My biggest issue is how "okay" and non remorseful she's been throughout the whole thing. How can someone be so recklessly destructive with a smile on their face?

 

Anyways, to my question. How and in what ways have any of you dealt with a similar situation? I'd like to maximize NC to the fullest as I can having 2 kids with this person. And how, if ever, have any of you dealt with a situation of having to subject yourself to the other man/woman's presence at soccer games, "family" events, etc? If I had my choice, I'd just as soon cut her and her enablers (family) out of my life completely.. They certainly had no issues doing it to me once she introduced my replacement.

 

Thanks all!

 

 

damn dude, i think you just told my story. so, to start off, change her name in your phone to something else, like mrs. otherguy, mrs. pain or mrsahole. that way if you have to talk to her, you get that moment to pause before speaking to her about the only thing you two have in common any more, the children.

 

the children that are learning from watching her cheat and get away with it, move away from their home and their father with no repercussions. a mother that introduces them to men she's dating like the biggest offenders against children aren't mommy's new boyfriend. cuz they are. if she doesn't stick with this guy, she going to introduce them to every man she dates? have men stay over while the children sleep over? not on in my book.

 

that's where our stories differ because my "orphans" never met the OW, never went to to the "love nest" or spent any time with them, because i insisted my lawyer set up "visitation" that way. my wasband was in such a hurry to prove to the OW that he loved her and was getting divorced he would have signed anything, including my death warrant and the deed to the house.

 

my kids were in elementary and middle school, so that helped. but either way, i wasn't lettin them associate with thieves. which is what those two are. how else can you label people that steal childhoods, not to mention, trust while throwing away their honor?

 

i had to let them associate with "daddy'' tho, and to that end i gave him a key to my place and he was free to conduct visitation at my house, their home. that way he couldn't take them and drop them off at his "soul mate's" house and go somewhere else.

 

be careful what the children hear, they repeat things. which is only good if they repeat what mommy and her boyfriend say, not what you say. do-gooders call you calling a spade a hoor, "parental alienation". jeez.

 

don't get me started on "grandma" and the "family" either. turncoats, the lot.

 

anyway, keep it strictly about visitation, don't be seen with her or stand to close to her at events, you don't want people thinking you and she are the same, regarding, values and behavior.

 

i have to tell you that some of this will settle down. you can avoid her by taking turns at the events. she goes to one game/ballet/teachers conference and you go to the other. because, chances are the "love birds" don't go anywhere without each other. my guess is because they don't trust each other, hahaha

 

avoid her. it's not that hard if you apply some logic to the logistics.

 

strictly text and email, unless there's blood, hopefully hers.

 

good luck, it will get easier. kids are smart. they absorb everything. and when it comes right down to it they always love the ones that give them the most, money. lol

[SingleDad82]

damn dude, i think you just told my story. so, to start off, change her name in your phone to something else, like mrs. otherguy, mrs. pain or mrsahole. that way if you have to talk to her, you get that moment to pause before speaking to her about the only thing you two have in common any more, the children.

 

the children that are learning from watching her cheat and get away with it, move away from their home and their father with no repercussions. a mother that introduces them to men she's dating like the biggest offenders against children aren't mommy's new boyfriend. cuz they are. if she doesn't stick with this guy, she going to introduce them to every man she dates? have men stay over while the children sleep over? not on in my book.

 

that's where our stories differ because my "orphans" never met the OW, never went to to the "love nest" or spent any time with them, because i insisted my lawyer set up "visitation" that way. my wasband was in such a hurry to prove to the OW that he loved her and was getting divorced he would have signed anything, including my death warrant and the deed to the house.

 

my kids were in elementary and middle school, so that helped. but either way, i wasn't lettin them associate with thieves. which is what those two are. how else can you label people that steal childhoods, not to mention, trust while throwing away their honor?

 

i had to let them associate with "daddy'' tho, and to that end i gave him a key to my place and he was free to conduct visitation at my house, their home. that way he couldn't take them and drop them off at his "soul mate's" house and go somewhere else.

 

be careful what the children hear, they repeat things. which is only good if they repeat what mommy and her boyfriend say, not what you say. do-gooders call you calling a spade a hoor, "parental alienation". jeez.

 

don't get me started on "grandma" and the "family" either. turncoats, the lot.

 

anyway, keep it strictly about visitation, don't be seen with her or stand to close to her at events, you don't want people thinking you and she are the same, regarding, values and behavior.

 

i have to tell you that some of this will settle down. you can avoid her by taking turns at the events. she goes to one game/ballet/teachers conference and you go to the other. because, chances are the "love birds" don't go anywhere without each other. my guess is because they don't trust each other, hahaha

 

avoid her. it's not that hard if you apply some logic to the logistics.

 

strictly text and email, unless there's blood, hopefully hers.

 

good luck, it will get easier. kids are smart. they absorb everything. and when it comes right down to it they always love the ones that give them the most, money. lol

 

I get all that.. I think the biggest eye opening moment about the whole thing is when I found out they were engaged after (officially) only dating for 6 months. I say officially because who knows how long it went on before my separation this time last year.

 

So, from the day we divorced, to the day of her wedding day, will be 8 months. Now, I've met a pretty sweet girl that I'm dating, and things are good. She is a strong, Godly woman, with a good head on her shoulders and I don't have to constantly question her morals.

 

The ex on the other hand, is too busy showing me just how easy it is for her to just up and marry someone. Something someone like me took very seriously.

 

The chick's got issues man. But, like many of you said.. Not my problem anymore.