Ex-wife and mother of 2 kids left me for a co-worker and in serious relationship

[Marc878]

Even after I left, for several months leading up to our divorce I fought to have her back.. as you all know this did nothing to help my situation. But I was raised to value and hold marriage sacred. I did everything I could to save my marriage, and all she did was constantly throw him in my face. I'm a fighter, but I'm not a doormat. Enough was enough, we divorced in June.

 

It take two. You just wasted your time.

 

Everything is separate. I bought my own house, she's in the marital home (long story) but to answer your question the divorce is final and we are living separate lives. I spend 4-5 days a week at the gym, best shape of my life.. eating healthy and active in my church when I'm not being a Daddy when I have my boys. I'm happy and I know I dodged a bullet. Sometimes I think she assumes that because I fought so hard for her, I'll be waiting in the wings when and if this goes south.

 

She absolutely lost her mind when I started dating my last girlfriend. I still don't understand why. But, I'm at a place now that I know that she was poisonous and unimaginably selfish.

 

She doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you.

 

I've done ALL the things you've listed.. making my kids and older sister beneficiaries of everything.

 

You are now seeing her for who she always was. Love is blind.

 

Silence is golden. Your living well will not sit well with her.

[SingleDad82]

It just makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with people.. What triggered it. I, personally, think she resented me after a failed pregnancy.. But, I digress, one would drive themselves crazy thinking how someone could toss a hand grenade in the middle of a family dynamic. I hope he is her "one true love"... the price she paid to have it was hefty.

[Marc878]

She's the type who'll never be happy. You will get content after awhile that you are no longer in this and be very thankful.

 

She's throwing him up to you to make you jealous.

 

I'll bet money on that.

[Marc878]

It just makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with people.. What triggered it. I, personally, think she resented me after a failed pregnancy.. But, I digress, one would drive themselves crazy thinking how someone could toss a hand grenade in the middle of a family dynamic. I hope he is her "one true love"... the price she paid to have it was hefty.

 

Many ponder this question without ever finding out. It's just a waste of time. She's not your problem now.

 

You will find there are way better out there. She's never going to be happy with anyone for long.

[Buckeye2]

 

Sometimes I think she assumes that because I fought so hard for her, I'll be waiting in the wings when and if this goes south.

 

She absolutely lost her mind when I started dating my last girlfriend. I still don't understand why.

 

Just read what you wrote and you'll have your answer. She likes the idea of having a soft place to land if it goes south. If you have a girl friend then that might be gone.

 

It's like you never want to move back in with your parents but it's nice to think that they have your old room ready just like you left it. If they make it into an office you feel bad.

Edited November 3, 2016 by Buckeye2

[MJJean]

But this doesn't work for most men. Would it work for a woman having her cheating STBXH telling her this...if the roles were reversed?

 

Women do not think like men and seem to be lost in the woods when trying to figure out how men think!

 

I've seen a lot of marriages begin and end as most of my friends have been friends since HS and the rest I have known since early adulthood.

 

A lot of the people who left for new partners feel guilty. They think the former spouse must be sick with worry that the kids are being mistreated by the new SO, that the kids are being ignored in favor of the new SO, that the relationship is tumultuous and the kids are witnessing arguments and such like.

 

So, they think that by talking about how happy the relationship is and how willing their new SO is to help care for the kids they will ease the mind and worries of their ex which makes them feel less guilty.

 

I did it with my ex. I freaking loathed him by the time I left for my AP, but I gave him credit for emotionally caring about the kids and wanted to reassure him that all was well in that regard. My AP and I were happy, he was caring and involved with the kids, no one was being mistreated or ignored, I thought it would help exH be at peace and find his own happiness.

 

Would that kind of reassurance work on a woman? I guess that depends on the woman. I'd find it reassuring to know my kids weren't living in a toxic environment and that the SO was good to them.

[Cephalopod]

It just makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with people.. What triggered it. I, personally, think she resented me after a failed pregnancy.. But, I digress, one would drive themselves crazy thinking how someone could toss a hand grenade in the middle of a family dynamic. I hope he is her "one true love"... the price she paid to have it was hefty.

 

She's broken. The "whys" do not matter now. She either admits she has a problem and gets help or she goes on repeating her patterns. From the way you describe her, she will most likely never admit she is deeply troubled.

 

It is probably many things, most likely issues from childhood that she has never divulged to anyone. Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) is one possibility that pops to mind.

[Cephalopod]

Women do not think like men and seem to be lost in the woods when trying to figure out how men think!

 

I've seen a lot of marriages begin and end as most of my friends have been friends since HS and the rest I have known since early adulthood.

 

A lot of the people who left for new partners feel guilty. They think the former spouse must be sick with worry that the kids are being mistreated by the new SO, that the kids are being ignored in favor of the new SO, that the relationship is tumultuous and the kids are witnessing arguments and such like.

 

So, they think that by talking about how happy the relationship is and how willing their new SO is to help care for the kids they will ease the mind and worries of their ex which makes them feel less guilty.

 

I did it with my ex. I freaking loathed him by the time I left for my AP, but I gave him credit for emotionally caring about the kids and wanted to reassure him that all was well in that regard. My AP and I were happy, he was caring and involved with the kids, no one was being mistreated or ignored, I thought it would help exH be at peace and find his own happiness.

 

Would that kind of reassurance work on a woman? I guess that depends on the woman. I'd find it reassuring to know my kids weren't living in a toxic environment and that the SO was good to them.

 

Well, you should not have done that. IMO. That is seriously damaging to a man. I don't care how bad a husband your ex was...he didn't deserve for you to compare him to your new husband.

 

Tell that stuff to your mom, your girlfriends, your new husband, your dentist... but don't tell the ex. I don't know how your divorce went down, but I doubt he felt any better about the marriage ending than you did. No need to rub his inadequacies in his face.

 

Sometimes women need to learn when to keep their good intentions to themselves.

[SingleDad82]

How did things turn out with you and the AP? I'm curious.. It is so unreal to me because I was so oblivious I suppose. We fought.. like anyone else. And no matter what we ended up in the same bed and most times things were better by the morning. I'm not one to say I was perfect by any means. But I wouldn't say we were a bit fit either. Though she told me she wasn't happy for a long time, I'm confident in saying this is a mechanism for her to subdue her guilt and justify her cheating.

Edited November 3, 2016 by SingleDad82

[Cephalopod]

How did things turn out with you and the AP? I'm curious.. It is so unreal to me because I was so oblivious I suppose. We fought.. like anyone else. And no matter what we ended up in the same bed and most times things were better by the morning. I'm not one to say I was perfect by any means. But I wouldn't say we were a bit fit either. Though she told me she wasn't happy for a long time, I'm confident in saying this is a mechanism for her to subdue her guilt and justify her cheating.

 

What did Doc Holliday say about Johnny Ringo in the movie Tombstone?

 

"He's got a big hole right through the center of him, and he can't steal enough, or kill enough or inflict enough pain to ever fill it..."

 

I think that is the way it is with your WW singledad: she has a big hole right through her middle, and no amount of love or sex or partners or ego gratification will ever fill it. She is to be pitied.

[MJJean]

Well, you should not have done that. IMO. That is seriously damaging to a man. I don't care how bad a husband your ex was...he didn't deserve for you to compare him to your new husband.

 

Tell that stuff to your mom, your girlfriends, your new husband, your dentist... but don't tell the ex. I don't know how your divorce went down, but I doubt he felt any better about the marriage ending than you did. No need to rub his inadequacies in his face.

 

Sometimes women need to learn when to keep their good intentions to themselves.

 

I never said I compared him to my ex, I said I made sure he knew I was happy, that we had a solid relationship, that my SO was caring toward the kids and involved in their lives.

 

How did things turn out with you and the AP? I'm curious.. It is so unreal to me because I was so oblivious I suppose. We fought.. like anyone else. And no matter what we ended up in the same bed and most times things were better by the morning. I'm not one to say I was perfect by any means. But I wouldn't say we were a bit fit either. Though she told me she wasn't happy for a long time, I'm confident in saying this is a mechanism for her to subdue her guilt and justify her cheating.

 

My AP and I got married a few weeks after the divorce was final. In December we'll have been a couple for 17 years, married 14 of those.

 

Regarding the bolded, not necessarily true.

 

It's not uncommon for a spouse, man or woman here, to think that the marriage is relatively happy and things aren't so bad while the other spouse views the situation quite differently. It's entirely possible that she was actually unhappy in the marriage.

 

You said she threw a hand grenade into the family dynamic. That is not the action of a happy person.

 

You said you hope this guy is her one true love because she paid a high price to be with him. The reality is, to her, the price she paid to be with him might have been a bargain. It may have seemed like a high price to YOU, but that's from your point of view, not hers.

 

In short, you're trying to understand and interpret her actions from your own point of view, from what you think she is/should be thinking and feeling. Remember, she isn't you. She thinks in an entirely different way.

 

You don't need to complicate this. It doesn't have to be about FOO issues or CSA or some personality disorder or another. It could simply be that she was unhappy in the marriage, fell out of love with you, got involved with another man and then decided she wanted to be free.

 

You asked earlier why she freaked when you dated. I have a couple theories.

 

I freaked because knew dating meant strange women around the kids during his parenting time and I had no idea what those women would be like.

 

One of my friends divorced her H and freaked when he started dating a woman from our social circle because she felt guilty for leaving her ex all alone in the world vulnerable to golddiggers and evil doers. She thought he was kind of an idiot when it came to understanding women and felt a bit protective, even though all romantic feeling was dead. She ended up introducing him to his 2nd wife.

 

One of my friends freaked because it was the final nail in the coffin, the absolute end of an era in her life. It wasn't that she didn't want her ex dating and being happy. It wasn't that she hadn't moved on or was unhappy in her current relationship. It was simply that him also moving on was the end of a period of her life and she was no longer the young woman she had been when it began.

 

If you ever really want to know, you'd have to ask her. I can theorycraft all day, but I probably don't think like her any more than you do! But it is nice mental exercise to speculate. It's always good to learn more about human behaviors and different points of view.

[SingleDad82]

Well that would certainly be compassionate of her.. to worry about someone golddigging after she threw a hand grenade in our family dynamic. The way you type and discuss such a disgusting act is careless and personally, no offense, I think people so calm and collected about infidelity and wrecking a homelife are best to stay single. Nothing like treating people like they're disposable and wrecking children's home life.

 

It's irresponsible and entirely selfish. But, all the same, your point of view is appreciated.

Edited November 3, 2016 by SingleDad82

[BrownHairedGuy]

Well that would certainly be compassionate of her.. to worry about someone golddigging after she threw a hand grenade in our family dynamic. The way you type and discuss such a disgusting act is careless and personally, no offense, I think people so calm and collected about infidelity and wrecking a homelife are best to stay single. Nothing like treating people like they're disposable and wrecking children's home life.

 

It's irresponsible and entirely selfish. But, all the same, your point of view is appreciated.

 

Ya, I have to agree. - "It's not uncommon for a spouse, man or woman here, to think that the marriage is relatively happy and things aren't so bad while the other spouse views the situation quite differently. It's entirely possible that she was actually unhappy in the marriage." Umm...maybe I missed something but isn't communication a big part of a marriage. If one of the spouses is unhappy how about they talk to their partner so they can either work on making things better and meeting the needs of one another or decide that it's better if they separate. Being unhappy, not talking about it until you find someone new, and then leaving your spouse high and dry hurting while you run off with someone else....it takes a special kind of person to do that.

[SingleDad82]

Ya, I have to agree. - "It's not uncommon for a spouse, man or woman here, to think that the marriage is relatively happy and things aren't so bad while the other spouse views the situation quite differently. It's entirely possible that she was actually unhappy in the marriage." Umm...maybe I missed something but isn't communication a big part of a marriage. If one of the spouses is unhappy how about they talk to their partner so they can either work on making things better and meeting the needs of one another or decide that it's better if they separate. Being unhappy, not talking about it until you find someone new, and then leaving your spouse high and dry hurting while you run off with someone else....it takes a special kind of person to do that.

 

Therein is the problem. It's far too much work for most people these days to actually WORK on their marriage. It's much easier to discard it and move on to "greener pastures" so to speak. I'd recommend that you go back and revisit your wedding vows the next time you feel like finding an affair partner.. clearly you were daydreaming during the ceremony.

[BrownHairedGuy]

Therein is the problem. It's far too much work for most people these days to actually WORK on their marriage. It's much easier to discard it and move on to "greener pastures" so to speak. I'd recommend that you go back and revisit your wedding vows the next time you feel like finding an affair partner.. clearly you were daydreaming during the ceremony.

 

People stand in the middle of their yard and look at how green everyone else's yard is and want theirs to be the same. So they go find another house that has a green yard for them. Sometimes what they don't see is that if they spent the time and put the work in on their original yard theirs too could be nice and green. Instead they move from house to house, always looking for greener pastures. I'm not going to pretend I know everyone's situation, in my opinion affairs are bad no matter what your marriage is like. But for quite a few people that have affairs, they always keep moving and never really find true happiness because they're always looking for self gratification.

[Grapesofwrath]

SingleDad: While I am normally a proponent of NC to aide healing, on this issue I have a different view:

 

My parents divorced when I was 11. My mother wanted the divorce (she was cheating on him at the time, I believe, though the details are hazy now, 40 yeas later.) My father was always able to put his pain and loss aside to be present for my brother and me on birthdays, holidays, sports games, graduations, weddings, and other important occasions such as those. My mother was never able--even to this day--to be in the same room with him and behave like an adult. I resented the hell out of her for that.

 

My point is that their divorce and subsequent feelings has caused me no end of anxiety, heartache, and conflict. Juggling them at family functions and events has sucked the joy out of many of those for me. If at all possible, please don't do this to your children.

 

Your wife has done something awful. Her behavior is deplorable. She has earned your disgust and anger. But do try not to make that your children's problem. If you can muster it up to act like an adult--simply be polite and brief with her--it will help them so much and earn their respect and love forever.

[road]

You seem very sensitive to this. Is it possible you are maybe a little over sensitive? Are you seeing her rubbing something in your face when she is really trying to keep you in the kids loop?

 

What I mean is, if she tells you they are a happy couple and that he is watching the sick kid today, you may be thinking she is taking a shot at you when she is really just trying to reassure you by letting you know that the kids are in a stable household and her SO is willing to help care for them.

 

She might actually be over sharing as a way of reassuring you to ease her guilt.

 

Where's the "I don't like button"?

[minimariah]

Women do not think like men and seem to be lost in the woods when trying to figure out how men think!

 

nope. this must be the BIGGEST myth EVER; it is quite simple, actually... and it is absolutely baffling just how many folks get it TOTALLY wrong. ALL THE TIME!

 

for a divorced parent - most of them, at least - the biggest fear is being REPLACED as a parent. that sentiment is especially strong for dumped-for-someone-else divorced parents who gotta deal with the fact that they were already replaced as a PARTNER (spouse). seems VERY logical & easy to understand, right...? you'd think EVERYBODY would get it.

 

so - in THAT situation - what you WON'T do = talk to your ex-spouse about your happy home and about the fact that an unknown person your ex NEVER wanted or invited into their life... is happily playing new daddy or new mommy and building a strong bond with your child. folks do not need a reassurance of THAT kind... if they did - they would take their ex to the court for being an unfit parent. MOST divorced parents actually trust each other; they trust themselves to see on the CHILD if the environment is unhealthy in any kind of way. being worried about new folks around your children is normal... but to the point that you actually need to hear that everything is lovely and peachy and awesome...? yeah, no. folks just wanna hear that you're not bringing a serial killer around the kids. the reassurance that IS needed = talk to your ex (i'm writing in general), tell them that the new person isn't replacing them and won't replace them... that their (the ex's) relationship with the children is the priority and that they will get the chance to raise and spend quality time with their kids AS MUCH as you & your new partner do.

 

nobody wants to hear that someone else is taking care of THEIR children and playing a happy house. nobody wants to hear that they MIGHT be replaced and nobody wants their children to be closer to and love their stepparent more than THEM. that is not the kind of reassurance ANYBODY wants; in fact - most would take that as an attempt in parental alienation.

 

OP - she isn't trying to reassure you. if she wanted to do that... she'd tell you that the child is being taken care of IN ONE SENTENCE. she's flaunting the new relationship and that's often a reflection of rage & a bunch of other negative feelings a WS has for their ex. the WS's behavior (once they settle into their new union) is often SUPER strange; they lack the basic understanding of human psychology and are unable to recognize what is or isn't appropriate anymore... they look at the world from THEIR position and are unable to put themselves in anyone else's shoes. i've seen so many WSs who genuinely shared with their ex about their happiness... GENUINELY thinking that the ex would be HAPPY for them. it's incredible. THEY are happy and they cannot look past that.

 

your position is incredibly hard because... while she gets to ride into the sunset with her new boo & quickly remade family... YOU are stuck on that high road... and there is nothing you can do. focus on your children as much as your time & job allows you; build a strong relationship with them and set up firm boundaries. it gets easier with the time and how kids grow old... older the kids -- the less you'll have to deal with the ex & the new person. it SUCKS. it really does. but you do not have a choice. continue to be a dad and be SUPER present in your child's life. get a good lawyer and get a GOOD custody agreement. YOU are the father and YOU have to right to raise your children... no other man can or will do it FOR or instead of you. hang in there and good luck.

Edited November 5, 2016 by minimariah

[SingleDad82]

nope. this must be the BIGGEST myth EVER; it is quite simple, actually... and it is absolutely baffling just how many folks get it TOTALLY wrong. ALL THE TIME!

 

for a divorced parent - most of them, at least - the biggest fear is being REPLACED as a parent. that sentiment is especially strong for dumped-for-someone-else divorced parents who gotta deal with the fact that they were already replaced as a PARTNER (spouse). seems VERY logical & easy to understand, right...? you'd think EVERYBODY would get it.

 

so - in THAT situation - what you WON'T do = talk to your ex-spouse about your happy home and about the fact that an unknown person your ex NEVER wanted or invited into their life... is happily playing new daddy or new mommy and building a strong bond with your child. folks do not need a reassurance of THAT kind... if they did - they would take their ex to the court for being an unfit parent. MOST divorced parents actually trust each other; they trust themselves to see on the CHILD if the environment is unhealthy in any kind of way. being worried about new folks around your children is normal... but to the point that you actually need to hear that everything is lovely and peachy and awesome...? yeah, no. folks just wanna hear that you're not bringing a serial killer around the kids. the reassurance that IS needed = talk to your ex (i'm writing in general), tell them that the new person isn't replacing them and won't replace them... that their (the ex's) relationship with the children is the priority and that they will get the chance to raise and spend quality time with their kids AS MUCH as you & your new partner do.

 

nobody wants to hear that someone else is taking care of THEIR children and playing a happy house. nobody wants to hear that they MIGHT be replaced and nobody wants their children to be closer to and love their stepparent more than THEM. that is not the kind of reassurance ANYBODY wants; in fact - most would take that as an attempt in parental alienation.

 

OP - she isn't trying to reassure you. if she wanted to do that... she'd tell you that the child is being taken care of IN ONE SENTENCE. she's flaunting the new relationship and that's often a reflection of rage & a bunch of other negative feelings a WS has for their ex. the WS's behavior (once they settle into their new union) is often SUPER strange; they lack the basic understanding of human psychology and are unable to recognize what is or isn't appropriate anymore... they look at the world from THEIR position and are unable to put themselves in anyone else's shoes. i've seen so many WSs who genuinely shared with their ex about their happiness... GENUINELY thinking that the ex would be HAPPY for them. it's incredible. THEY are happy and they cannot look past that.

 

your position is incredibly hard because... while she gets to ride into the sunset with her new boo & quickly remade family... YOU are stuck on that high road... and there is nothing you can do. focus on your children as much as your time & job allows you; build a strong relationship with them and set up firm boundaries. it gets easier with the time and how kids grow old... older the kids -- the less you'll have to deal with the ex & the new person. it SUCKS. it really does. but you do not have a choice. continue to be a dad and be SUPER present in your child's life. get a good lawyer and get a GOOD custody agreement. YOU are the father and YOU have to right to raise your children... no other man can or will do it FOR or instead of you. hang in there and good luck.

 

 

My goodness.. it's as if I typed this myself.. if I had a dollar for every time I had to hear.. "I don't care about your opinion, they love (so and so)" I'd be a very rich man.. naturally, as their dad, I want to protect them from everything bad. A man willing to pursue a married woman isn't my first choice for a role model and father figure in their lives.. Given that they live with their mother and the fact that this OM has essentially more time with my sons than I get, it frightens me.

 

I do my best every day. But it's hard not feeling as though I was cast out of my life and someone else, regardless of how much I may realize their mother was bad for me, has been placed in my role. No other feeling than being robbed of time with my kids, while a man that has zero moral integrity steps in. It's a tough pill to swallow for sure. I keep the faith, fight the good fight and do my best to make the time I have with them as quality as possible and raise them to be good boys. But it's a daily struggle..

[Cephalopod]

My goodness.. it's as if I typed this myself.. if I had a dollar for every time I had to hear.. "I don't care about your opinion, they love (so and so)" I'd be a very rich man.. naturally, as their dad, I want to protect them from everything bad. A man willing to pursue a married woman isn't my first choice for a role model and father figure in their lives.. Given that they live with their mother and the fact that this OM has essentially more time with my sons than I get, it frightens me.

 

I do my best every day. But it's hard not feeling as though I was cast out of my life and someone else, regardless of how much I may realize their mother was bad for me, has been placed in my role. No other feeling than being robbed of time with my kids, while a man that has zero moral integrity steps in. It's a tough pill to swallow for sure. I keep the faith, fight the good fight and do my best to make the time I have with them as quality as possible and raise them to be good boys. But it's a daily struggle..

 

I had a good friend growing up who's mom left his dad for the OM. She later married the guy and my friend had to live with her and his step-dad all the years of elementary and junior high. But he never grew to love his stepdad, no matter how much his mom tried to make him. He always traveled to the next state over to see his real dad whenever school was out and during the summers.

 

Why he got to be sixteen he to,d his mom that she could either allow him to move out of state to live with his dad,or r that he would run away. He didn't care if he ended up arrested and sent to juvenile detention. He to,d her he would rather live in juvenile detention the rest of his teenage years before he would spend one more day in his stepdad's house. So she let him move to live with his dad.

 

He never came back much after that. I only see him every few years. He has almost no relationship with his mom now. She's totally alone now, as her OM/husband died a few years ago. Pretty sad.

[SingleDad82]

I pray to God above that my kids life don't end up like that.. that sounds terrible

[MJJean]

Well that would certainly be compassionate of her.. to worry about someone golddigging after she threw a hand grenade in our family dynamic. The way you type and discuss such a disgusting act is careless and personally, no offense, I think people so calm and collected about infidelity and wrecking a homelife are best to stay single. Nothing like treating people like they're disposable and wrecking children's home life.

 

It's irresponsible and entirely selfish. But, all the same, your point of view is appreciated.

 

Just because she no longer wanted you as a romantic partner doesn't mean she didn't/doesn't care about you as a person and as the father of her children.

 

I know it's easy to think the worst of her because she hurt you so badly by having an affair and leaving the marriage, but people are not all good or all bad.

 

Ya, I have to agree. - "It's not uncommon for a spouse, man or woman here, to think that the marriage is relatively happy and things aren't so bad while the other spouse views the situation quite differently. It's entirely possible that she was actually unhappy in the marriage." Umm...maybe I missed something but isn't communication a big part of a marriage. If one of the spouses is unhappy how about they talk to their partner so they can either work on making things better and meeting the needs of one another or decide that it's better if they separate. Being unhappy, not talking about it until you find someone new, and then leaving your spouse high and dry hurting while you run off with someone else....it takes a special kind of person to do that.

 

Many WS DO communicate their unhappiness, but just because the message has been sent doesn't mean it was received and understood.

 

Therein is the problem. It's far too much work for most people these days to actually WORK on their marriage. It's much easier to discard it and move on to "greener pastures" so to speak. I'd recommend that you go back and revisit your wedding vows the next time you feel like finding an affair partner.. clearly you were daydreaming during the ceremony.

 

Some things can't be fixed. If love and sexual attraction have died, should the spouse just stay married and grin and bear it, forever longing for a romantic partner?

 

Sometimes, greener pastures are actually greener simply because the property is a better overall fit.

 

Should she have divorced you before the affair? Absolutely. Had she done that, the end result would be the same. She'd have left you to be with another man that she thinks is a more compatible match for her.

 

nope. this must be the BIGGEST myth EVER; it is quite simple, actually... and it is absolutely baffling just how many folks get it TOTALLY wrong. ALL THE TIME!

 

for a divorced parent - most of them, at least - the biggest fear is being REPLACED as a parent. that sentiment is especially strong for dumped-for-someone-else divorced parents who gotta deal with the fact that they were already replaced as a PARTNER (spouse). seems VERY logical & easy to understand, right...? you'd think EVERYBODY would get it.

 

so - in THAT situation - what you WON'T do = talk to your ex-spouse about your happy home and about the fact that an unknown person your ex NEVER wanted or invited into their life... is happily playing new daddy or new mommy and building a strong bond with your child. folks do not need a reassurance of THAT kind... if they did - they would take their ex to the court for being an unfit parent. MOST divorced parents actually trust each other; they trust themselves to see on the CHILD if the environment is unhealthy in any kind of way. being worried about new folks around your children is normal... but to the point that you actually need to hear that everything is lovely and peachy and awesome...? yeah, no. folks just wanna hear that you're not bringing a serial killer around the kids. the reassurance that IS needed = talk to your ex (i'm writing in general), tell them that the new person isn't replacing them and won't replace them... that their (the ex's) relationship with the children is the priority and that they will get the chance to raise and spend quality time with their kids AS MUCH as you & your new partner do.

 

nobody wants to hear that someone else is taking care of THEIR children and playing a happy house. nobody wants to hear that they MIGHT be replaced and nobody wants their children to be closer to and love their stepparent more than THEM. that is not the kind of reassurance ANYBODY wants; in fact - most would take that as an attempt in parental alienation.

 

OP - she isn't trying to reassure you. if she wanted to do that... she'd tell you that the child is being taken care of IN ONE SENTENCE. she's flaunting the new relationship and that's often a reflection of rage & a bunch of other negative feelings a WS has for their ex. the WS's behavior (once they settle into their new union) is often SUPER strange; they lack the basic understanding of human psychology and are unable to recognize what is or isn't appropriate anymore... they look at the world from THEIR position and are unable to put themselves in anyone else's shoes. i've seen so many WSs who genuinely shared with their ex about their happiness... GENUINELY thinking that the ex would be HAPPY for them. it's incredible. THEY are happy and they cannot look past that.

 

your position is incredibly hard because... while she gets to ride into the sunset with her new boo & quickly remade family... YOU are stuck on that high road... and there is nothing you can do. focus on your children as much as your time & job allows you; build a strong relationship with them and set up firm boundaries. it gets easier with the time and how kids grow old... older the kids -- the less you'll have to deal with the ex & the new person. it SUCKS. it really does. but you do not have a choice. continue to be a dad and be SUPER present in your child's life. get a good lawyer and get a GOOD custody agreement. YOU are the father and YOU have to right to raise your children... no other man can or will do it FOR or instead of you. hang in there and good luck.

 

I don't know how your ex felt when you split up and had new men around the kid(s), but most people I know are very concerned that the new partner is dismissive, mean, or takes parental attention from the kids.

 

Primary custody parents are aware their ex feels insecure and is afraid of being replaced in the kid(s) lives. And a lot of the overshare because of it. TMI with the intention of making the other parent feel as if they know the details of the kid(s) day to day.

 

Not to mention, a lot of people in new relationships talk about it with everyone who will listen.

 

I also think there is an element of "Everybody's happy, you should be, too!" in there, as well.

 

Yes, I have also noticed WS's thinking their ex's would be happy for them and their AP turned SO.

 

My goodness.. it's as if I typed this myself.. if I had a dollar for every time I had to hear.. "I don't care about your opinion, they love (so and so)" I'd be a very rich man.. naturally, as their dad, I want to protect them from everything bad. A man willing to pursue a married woman isn't my first choice for a role model and father figure in their lives.. Given that they live with their mother and the fact that this OM has essentially more time with my sons than I get, it frightens me.

 

I do my best every day. But it's hard not feeling as though I was cast out of my life and someone else, regardless of how much I may realize their mother was bad for me, has been placed in my role. No other feeling than being robbed of time with my kids, while a man that has zero moral integrity steps in. It's a tough pill to swallow for sure. I keep the faith, fight the good fight and do my best to make the time I have with them as quality as possible and raise them to be good boys. But it's a daily struggle..

 

If it helps, OM probably doesn't have as much time with your boys as you think. He has to work, do his share of the housework and yard work, plus whatever exercise, hobbies, and social life he has going.

[SingleDad82]

Just because she no longer wanted you as a romantic partner doesn't mean she didn't/doesn't care about you as a person and as the father of her children.

 

I know it's easy to think the worst of her because she hurt you so badly by having an affair and leaving the marriage, but people are not all good or all bad.

 

 

 

Many WS DO communicate their unhappiness, but just because the message has been sent doesn't mean it was received and understood.

 

 

 

Some things can't be fixed. If love and sexual attraction have died, should the spouse just stay married and grin and bear it, forever longing for a romantic partner?

 

Sometimes, greener pastures are actually greener simply because the property is a better overall fit.

 

Should she have divorced you before the affair? Absolutely. Had she done that, the end result would be the same. She'd have left you to be with another man that she thinks is a more compatible match for her.

 

 

 

I don't know how your ex felt when you split up and had new men around the kid(s), but most people I know are very concerned that the new partner is dismissive, mean, or takes parental attention from the kids.

 

Primary custody parents are aware their ex feels insecure and is afraid of being replaced in the kid(s) lives. And a lot of the overshare because of it. TMI with the intention of making the other parent feel as if they know the details of the kid(s) day to day.

 

Not to mention, a lot of people in new relationships talk about it with everyone who will listen.

 

I also think there is an element of "Everybody's happy, you should be, too!" in there, as well.

 

Yes, I have also noticed WS's thinking their ex's would be happy for them and their AP turned SO.

 

 

 

If it helps, OM probably doesn't have as much time with your boys as you think. He has to work, do his share of the housework and yard work, plus whatever exercise, hobbies, and social life he has going.

 

As much of what you've said in your posts in this thread simply don't add up, after a little research from your previous posts it's beginning to come together now why you're so casual about the topic of infidelity in a marriage. Not all of us were FWB's with our former spouses and involved in accidental pregnancies due to birth control failure. While I respect your perspective, you came from a marriage had no connection from the start. Many of us were actually happily married to our spouses. The dismissive nature, while understandable, in YOUR situation does not equate to the same of two people knowingly taking vows to each other on their wedding day.

 

Many of us were happily married to our spouses, who, unbeknownst to us, left the marriage for reasons that had little to do with us. Your replies don't make sense because the situations are entirely different.

[Whoknew30]

My H & all of my closest friends mothers left them for the OM...so it's a little different bc the kids were left too but after all these years (I've had the same friends since elementary) not one of them has a real problem with their Step Dads...before my mother Inlaw actually moved away, my H was living with them & my father in law is one of the most "manly" man I've met...he hates her guts BUT he came picked up & dropped off my H with no issues...& trust me women don't come much worse than my mother in law, but it wasn't about her anymore once she left...he realized she was no longer a factor in his life & that was going to be his son's step father & there was absolutely nothing he could do about it, so why drive himself crazy over a issue he couldn't control...all his words to me about it...though she did him a huge favor when she moved away.

 

I get you're upset & angry but it's over. There's nothing you can do, it's no longer about you. It's about your kids & if you have to suck it up seeing her here & there for the kids, who cares. She's no longer your problem & you're making the choice to allow her words to get to you. Who cares what she says, the more you show you care the more she still has power over you...why are you allowing her to still have the power over your emotions?

 

If your kids are really the most important to you, 5 mins at drop off & pick up should really be no problem...if it's them you're putting first.

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

Either way, My biggest issue is how "okay" and non remorseful she's been throughout the whole thing. How can someone be so recklessly destructive with a smile on their face?

 

Anyways, to my question. How and in what ways have any of you dealt with a similar situation? I'd like to maximize NC to the fullest as I can having 2 kids with this person. And how, if ever, have any of you dealt with a situation of having to subject yourself to the other man/woman's presence at soccer games, "family" events, etc?

 

 

I'm very sorry, SingleDad82 that you are facing this loss.

 

Losing a Beloved Bride is not easy --- I've been down that road.

 

You might get some help from reading an older book: Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. Even if you don't buy the book, at least google it on Amazon, and read the comments.

 

The book will not help to get your wife back. But it should help you realize that some spouses can walk away...with a smile on their face.

 

I believe she is simply trying to live out her life for what feels good for her. Unfortunately, our society is a "throw-away" society. Loyalty and and telling the truth are not easily found any more.

 

I don't think you wife wants to hurt you --- um, if she really wanted to hurt you, I think she could have thought of a thousand sinister, criminal acts to commit against you.

 

I seriously doubt your wife is an evil narcissist. Even though that term is thrown around a lot in our society, I think your wife just wants to do life on her terms. Unfortunately and sadly for you, her new life does not included you.

 

She did not pass away, but you really need to go through the the 5 stages of grieving --- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. You are experiencing the death of your marriage, dreams, your best friend, lover, wife. That will take some time and effort on your part to come out of this standing tall.

 

In my opinion, the quickest route to Acceptance, is to be thankful for the years your wife shared with you. If you hold onto anger, if you act like she is a no-good jerk that deserves to have a miserable life, then you are going to spend a very long time trying to recover from the hurt.

 

Once I realized that my estranged wife really needed to move out, my recovery took off. I know it sounds like I'm taking up for her, or I'm condoning the breaking of marriage vows. No way. I'm just trying to let you know what helped me recover.....and I don't think it's a good idea to treat your wife like a jerk that is no good. I'm sure she has many good points, but right now you are focusing on the bad points. I don't blame you for doing that.

 

You were invested in this lady. You expected to live with her, dream with her, be intimate with her until death-do-you-part.

 

But you can come out of this, and not just come crawling out of this. I came out walking and standing tall --- and you can too.

 

Now concerning the contact issue. In my case, I was so heart broken, that I told my wife to not call me, I did not want to be near her when we did the child visitation, communicate only via email, etc.

 

Setup some boundaries that work for you. Do whatever boundaries that are good for you, and stick to them.