Friends

[missmetomorrow]

I've been in this affair for five years. I know him and his wife very well they know my family, we have many mutual friends.

We met in our early 20s, through friends, and clicked and became best friends based on past traumas that we had both been through and things we had in common. At first our friendship was very much in the open, in our group of friends people knew that me and him were very close. We both already had new babies with other people .. I was actually pregnant with my second when we first met. Nobody seem to care how close we were at first how much time was spent alone together. My boyfriend at the time husband now, and his girlfriend, wife now .. Actually encouraged us to spend a lot of time together since we both liked doing a lot of activities that they did not . There was absolutely nothing inappropriate about it in the beginning neither of us talked about our attraction back then if there was any, but the tension just started to get more and more. Very obvious sexual tension after a few years I don't even know what kicked it off I don't remember feeling that way at the beginning and then just one day I realize how much I wanted to see him how much I missed it when he wasn't there.

He started to get more and more flirty I don't remember the exact conversation we were having but the one day he suggested I delete the text messages and I did and after that we seem to delete them all the time.

He started telling me how he wished we had met first. And I hundred percent agreed. The second that we opened the floodgates to that conversation there was no stopping it. We went from being best friends for about 4 years, nothing inappropriate to a few months of flirting to a full-blown physical affair.

 

During this time we both got married, commitments we had made long before.

I remember a couple weeks before my wedding me saying to him I'm getting married in two weeks, and he smiled and said just don't say my name on the altar. I joked that I wasn't in love with him but I was in there with my husband and that this was just for fun. I was lying to myself and within a few months realize I loved him more than I loved anybody else in this whole world to getting married was a mistake. I do love my husband but not in anyway the way I feel about this man my best friend.

 

We are both completely messed up that we are able to do this to continue it every day. We are able to have family dinners go on camping trips we still go on dates with each other to concerts that are spouses don't have any interest in. We love one another yet we give each other marriage advice.

 

He has asked me many times if we are going to divorce ever Or if we can stay like this forever. I have no idea I feel like we are so twisted and messed up that there's no possible way we could ever be together I don't know if it would ever work in the light of day. Not now after a decade of been family friends.

 

I don't want more from him I got exactly what I need from him. I love him every single day I miss him every single day because I don't have him fully.

 

So I guess I do want more but do not expect more and never will.

 

Lately our friendship has morphed and he obviously spends more time with my husband and me more with his wife because of the stage of life we are in.

 

His wife recently told me that he has no interest in sex with her, that she turned him down for years but now she wants it and he won't give it to her. Obviously I feel directly responsible for that considering I see him a couple times a week.

 

I do feel guilty about it but I have no intention to ever stop I don't know what kind of person that makes me what kind of person that makes him.

Can't say I regret the choices I've made because I love my children and his children more than anything. I just wish things were different.

 

I'm wondering if I'm able to do this because of the way my brain works and my compartmentalizing like you guys say married men do? And one day will those walls break down will I go absolutely crazy ? I do wonder that.

Edited November 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BuddyX]

What are the ages of the parties involved as well as the kids?

[missmetomorrow]

We are in our early thirties, we have school age kids.

[Jemima1234]

My affair was with a close friend and we were friends with family. I somehow managed to compartmentalise too for a long time. But one day it all crashed down!!

 

All I can say is please please stop before it all blows up. If you want to be together then make that step and do it. If not then know eventually you will get caught and lots of people will get hurt - including the kids.

 

No attack and no judgement here - just felt I needed to say this

[salparadise]

How do his wife and your husband get along? I knew two couples that were all friends and they eventually swapped spouses, permanently. I have no idea how you'd bring up that conversation. Perhaps tell his wife that you might have a solution if she's open minded and promises not to judge.

[ShatteredLady]

Do you still have a physical relationship with your husband? When you think about your H finding out & divorcing you how do you feel? Honestly?

 

If you guys are never going to divorce & be together, if you WANT to keep your families you know you need to stop this! It's only because your husband & his wife trust the 2 of you blindly that they don't suspect the awful truth.

 

One day something is going to get found or seen & your whole world is going to explode. You know that this is a terrible betrayal. Oh imagine being his wife?!? Knowing that she's had these intimate, open conversations with you while you're deceiving her. Ugh! What a mess!!

 

This is going to end in so much pain for so many people.

 

What do you truly want?

[Forever broken]

Unfortunately this may end in a disaster and the two families knowing each other may complicate things even the more. It may be best to dissolve things now despite how emotional you may get.

 

Remember, this advice has no hidden bad intention. I used to be an other woman.

[DKT3]

I stopped reading right after you, a mother of two, said "I love him more then anyone in the world".

 

Your not friends, friends don't help friends wreck their life.

[Daisy2013]

Crazy? I don't know. Hurt, yes. I was in a 4 year plus relationship with a MM. But because of his strong religious convictions, he is staying put in his marriage to be a good example to his kids who are now married. This is his 3rd marriage and he is miserable and she is selfish. So selfish, she was complaining at both kids' weddings she wanted to leave early and him go too. They aren't her kids.

 

Anyhow, we stopped the sexual part of our relationship, but remain friends and share our thoughts and dreams. He says I am his best friend and we know each other well. We work together on Sundays so have had years to just "be us" around each other in a normal way. We wouldn't have to date to "see if it would work." We know it would. He says it would. But, it is difficult to just be friends because I love him so, and want him and he, me.

 

To do this friendship thing, and not go crazy or get hurt, you have to die to your self and accept what is. That is hard. A part of me is numb to it all after much hurt, and that is how I get through. And you have to want what's best for him and support his decisions and he your's. So, it can work as friends, but it is difficult to reach that point.

[HeCantBreakMe]

How do his wife and your husband get along? I knew two couples that were all friends and they eventually swapped spouses, permanently. I have no idea how you'd bring up that conversation. Perhaps tell his wife that you might have a solution if she's open minded and promises not to judge.

 

WOW- is this a true story? Maybe worth a discussion in this case. Christmas would sure be interesting.

[Jersey born raised]

I do not know how to answer you without sounding judgmental. Your choice to continue in the face of the wife 's pain how to comfort you in the face of that I have no idea.

 

At best you are denying yourself the happiness and denying it to her and your spouse.

[salparadise]

WOW- is this a true story? Maybe worth a discussion in this case. Christmas would sure be interesting.

 

Yes, it's a true story. Apparently done with no animosity and everyone remained friends. They lived in the same neighborhood, almost across the street from each other. Two of the individuals went to my school and church when I was a kid. It's bizarre but strange things sometimes happen.

 

I wonder if OP is keeping both men satisfied? If so, quite dutiful.

[missmetomorrow]

I stopped reading right after you, a mother of two, said "I love him more then anyone in the world".

 

Your not friends, friends don't help friends wreck their life.

 

Well I guess that's your issue, you should really reply when you quit reading part way. I said clearly later on him and my children are who I love most. If I really loved him more than my kids, I would have without question already divorced.

 

I have more than two kids. He's loved me through pregnancy and post pardom depression, I know it's real. But my kids also love their dad I always choosing them as best I can.

[missmetomorrow]

How do his wife and your husband get along? I knew two couples that were all friends and they eventually swapped spouses, permanently. I have no idea how you'd bring up that conversation. Perhaps tell his wife that you might have a solution if she's open minded and promises not to judge.

 

They are not interested in each other like that. They are both very old fashioned where sex and relationships are concerned. They get along but don't spend time alone together.

[missmetomorrow]

I'm still sexual with my husband, I love him. It's a commitment and sense of duty I feel for sure though. No passion.. Sex life would be considered good to most I'm sure. But not comparable to my OM in any way at all. I try to will it to be. I really do.

 

I would be devastated to break up either family.

 

I wish I could feel the same for my husband or guilty enough to quit. But I do not.

[missmetomorrow]

I shouldn't even have said no passion, my husband is very into me. Always has been. But he's emotionally unavailable. Our marriage is good. Fine. Not great. I let this happen because it was mediocre. I take responsibility for that.

 

I have no intention to end it.

[malvern99]

I have no intention to end it.

 

By "it", do you mean your affair or your make believe marriage?

[DKT3]

I shouldn't even have said no passion, my husband is very into me. Always has been. But he's emotionally unavailable. Our marriage is good. Fine. Not great. I let this happen because it was mediocre. I take responsibility for that.

 

I have no intention to end it.

 

So your having an affair your entire marriage and you expect it to be great?. So much going on here, so much contradiction. So many questions, most importantly who fathered the children? Not looking to have you answer. But you've really made a mess of a life and a very adverse environment to raise kids.

[minimariah]

I do feel guilty about it but I have no intention to ever stop...

 

you don't feel guilty. you know you SHOULD feel guilty --- but you don't. it is the part of the reason you've opened this thread.

 

Can't say I regret the choices I've made because I love my children and his children more than anything.

 

well... loving children and actually doing what is in their best interest & being a good parent... aren't the same thing. essentially - your love for them means absolutely nothing if you're damaging and hurting the quality of their lives... some way or another.

 

I'm wondering if I'm able to do this because of the way my brain works and my compartmentalizing like you guys say married men do?

 

i think you just don't care. you don't love or care about your husband, you don't love or care about the wife. you're doing what feels good to you and you don't really think beyond that... when you DO - it's because of the social pressure. sure, you probably feel entitled (his wife was refusing him for years) but you just... don't care. sometimes... it really is simple like that.

[Jersey born raised]

Miss me,

 

Many of the posts you read here are the result of the pain caused in their life's by their spouses.

 

You asked not to be judge and as I stated on my first post I am not sure how to respond except to say this is the pain your husband and OM wife will/are enduring.

 

If you will not help them by being honest, how will you help them if they find out.

 

Your children, god help them if they find out first. To tell or not to tell what a nightmare.

 

I am not saying stop and judging. I am asking what if.....

[sandylee1]

I have no intention to ever stop I don't know what kind of person that makes me what kind of person that makes him.

Can't say I regret the choices I've made because I love my children and his children more than anything. I just wish things were different.

 

I'm wondering if I'm able to do this because of the way my brain works and my compartmentalizing like you guys say married men do? And one day will those walls break down will I go absolutely crazy ? I do wonder that.

 

I don't think you'll go crazy if you haven't so far. You've mastered the art down to a tee.

 

You've compartmentalised very well and nothing will end it unless:

 

• it's exposed

• until one of you dies

• his wife gets fed up with no sex from him and either has an affair or leaves

 

The longer it goes on the greater the chance of being caught, but your spouses obviously placed great trust in you and they're blind to what's going on under their noses.

 

Many people live such lives and only in death is the truth known, which is devastating and ruins all the happy memories.

 

Live each day like it's your last and leave nothing for your husband to find about the affair, should you pass away unexpectedly, otherwise his grief will be even more unbearable. That's the least you can do.

[missmetomorrow]

I am having kind of a panic attack now.

I think I ended things. I don't know if for good. Nothing happened that made me think we would get caught but mutual friends of ours did recently and his wife brother has been really sick. So we got talking yesterday about how we depend on one another to get by. And I said, do you think that's healthy? Do you ever think about getting caught?

 

And the conversation snow balled from there. We both were so crazy about each other we risked so much got lucky so many times. We agreed to try and take a step back. His last text was that we would talk soon.

We haven't.

[ChickiePops]

Are you aware of how selfish and horrible this is?

[missmetomorrow]

What are the chances it'll stick. I'm very good about not contacting him but he'll be back contacting me within few weeks and I will respond without fail.

[missmetomorrow]

Are you aware of how selfish and horrible this is?

 

Yes. I don't want to steal him from her if hurt anyone I've just never been able to end it. Still don't want too. I can see how there selfish but never was enough for me.