Friends

[BuddyX]

Left my ex wife because of all the infidelities. To me, her entitlement trumped our commitment.

Please stay NC. It's best for all parties. The moment you decided to have kids the "what about my happiness" went out the window.

[Birdies]

You've dodged a bullet by ending things for now. STAY NC as though your life depends on it! Otherwise you are going to blow up both of your lives in a fiery ball of explosion and pain, destroying everything you know. I know that sounds dramatic but it's an understatement.

 

You have free will. Exercise it. Good luck!

[l8estnews]

How do his wife and your husband get along? I knew two couples that were all friends and they eventually swapped spouses, permanently. I have no idea how you'd bring up that conversation. Perhaps tell his wife that you might have a solution if she's open minded and promises not to judge.

 

You know what? After reading her post, what came to mind first is that their own spouses must be hitting it off too! I wonder how she can confirm this. Hmm..

[missmetomorrow]

You know what? After reading her post, what came to mind first is that their own spouses must be hitting it off too! I wonder how she can confirm this. Hmm..

 

 

They are not interested much in each other. We tried that years ago.

[l8estnews]

To be fair, I have read the whole thread. I tried to understand your point of view as well as the advice of the great people here. But I still don't get what you truly want.

 

a.) You don't want a divorce. But you love your affair partner so much.

b.) You don't want to hurt his wife, the kids, and your husband. But you still keep doing the very thing that will hurt these very people.

c.) You LOVE your husband enough to be sexual with him. But he is emotionally distant?

 

So what is your goal? the only options here are the following:

 

a.) Divorce your husband and be together with the AP.

b.) Forget the other guy and focus on your family.

 

There's no Option C . The question is, can you really do Option B?

[missmetomorrow]

I don't know what I want. I want to feel happy and content.

We've agreed that ending it would be the best thing I don't know how you just stop cold turkey though it's been five years we haven't texted since that conversation , we have never attempted to end it before , we have went on breaks. we haven't seen each other since, but we will probably later today we see each other most days we live very close to each other. Small town.

 

I can avoid talking to him personally but I will not be able to avoid seeing him in social situations we are all very close and all of our mutual friends are close.

 

I had a cry about it already but I did know it couldn't last forever and never intended to leave my husband for him , he asked a couple of times but I don't know if he really would have either. He said once he Wanted to wait till the kids were grown to leave. I never once envisiond that really happening.

 

I am currently in counselling with my husband which helped me make this decision which is why I got an account here, and I finally made a post I was already thinking about it.

 

Since neither one of us want it to end yet so I'm wondering if it's even possible that it will. We both just think it would be best since we don't want to get caught.

[eye of the storm]

missme, this one is touchy for me. My now xH was cheating on me with my supposed best friend. I went to her with marriage problems, she gave me advice, told me it was ok...all the while sleeping with my H. I have moved past his betrayal...still kinda want to do damage to her. I won't but...still one of my fav fantasies. When it came out, and I made super sure it did, everyone turned on her. She became an outcast. If she and I had been strangers I don't think it would have been as bad for her. But wives looked at her and thought if she will sleep with her best friend's H...mine isn't safe and nobody wanted her in their house.

 

My kids and her kids developed a hatred of each other. Before they had all been friends.

 

When she finds out, she will instantly think everyone knew. That everyone was laughing at her behind her back. She will replay every conversation she has every had with you regarding anything personal. She will be devastated that she was so stupid to trust you. That she allowed you into her home, her family, her life. Her children will hate you and blame you.

 

You H will probably test each of your children to see if he is biologically their father.

 

This has nuclear blast nightmare written all over it.

 

I normally agree with the people that tell WSs to confess all so they can start anew. But in your case, I would decide to move get your H on board, travel across country, start fresh, and take this secret to your grave. Either that or divorce. But I would pray 24/7 that this never comes out.

 

This is going to blow up in such a horrific manner. Get out now. Move if you can. Block him. And for the love of God stop acting like you are her friend.

[afoolto no end]

my whole life blew up because of my husband's affair, it hurt everyone, the other BS lost his marriage, there were 4 kids, all destroyed no respect left for the affair couple at all, how can they........their view is now tainted for life, mine were late teens.....there is no going back, there is no fixing who you will be......

affairs destroy lives including yours if you get caught.....

what are you going to tell everyone else, you just did it for fun, that you didn't mean to hurt them all for what you wanted.....

You need to wake up before everyone hates you for what you chose instead of them because that is what you are doing and how they will see it......

You don't get a second chance with adultery, destroying families......

get out, and stop all contact forever.......

If you don't care keep doing it but everyone gets caught eventually and for you the betrayal is so many years now it will be unforgivable by your husband children and extended families, friends........

It was a long conscious decision to hurt them to betray them.

don't come back winning your life is destroyed because you will have no one to blame but yourself......

that is the honest truth and you will have to be that person because you won't be able to ever go back.

You owe everyone honesty. This isn't about just you........you have a family.

go over and read about the devastation there is with discovery of an affair even worse a long term affair....see what it does to people........

[ChickiePops]

I don't know what I want. I want to feel happy and content.

We've agreed that ending it would be the best thing I don't know how you just stop cold turkey though it's been five years we haven't texted since that conversation , we have never attempted to end it before , we have went on breaks. we haven't seen each other since, but we will probably later today we see each other most days we live very close to each other. Small town.

 

I can avoid talking to him personally but I will not be able to avoid seeing him in social situations we are all very close and all of our mutual friends are close.

 

I had a cry about it already but I did know it couldn't last forever and never intended to leave my husband for him , he asked a couple of times but I don't know if he really would have either. He said once he Wanted to wait till the kids were grown to leave. I never once envisiond that really happening.

 

I am currently in counselling with my husband which helped me make this decision which is why I got an account here, and I finally made a post I was already thinking about it.

 

Since neither one of us want it to end yet so I'm wondering if it's even possible that it will. We both just think it would be best since we don't want to get caught.

 

Why does your happiness have to come at the expense of others? Why can't you find a way to be happy without hurting anyone?

[jenkins95]

(((miss me)))

 

No judgement from me because I had an affair too, but it is particularly sad that both marriages are essentially a lie and that, while you and the MM know this, the two BS are blissfully unaware. The fact that she confides personal stuff to you also makes uncomfortable reading.

 

It seems like you really want to keep your marriage going, but it feels like second best. The trouble is, you will never be able to put it first or find fulfillment in it while the AP is on the scene. If you really are serious about doing the best for your family, i think that the other poster's suggestion of moving far away could be just what you need. If you really want to (and you write that you love him), you may find that you will find new levels of connection with your H if the AP is simply removed from the equation and 'deleted' from your life - though that is a very daunting prospect from where you are now I'm sure.

 

You have a good H and children. It's got to be worth a try, hasn't it? If the marriage doesn't work out even after trying hard for a long time, then leave with dignity....... But please don't carry on the way you are now. It's not fair on anyone, including you.

 

Thinking of you. Keep posting.

[aileD]

I'm still sexual with my husband, I love him. It's a commitment and sense of duty I feel for sure though. No passion.. Sex life would be considered good to most I'm sure. But not comparable to my OM in any way at all. I try to will it to be. I really do.

 

I would be devastated to break up either family.

 

I wish I could feel the same for my husband or guilty enough to quit. But I do not.

 

Unfortunately all those feeling will finally hit you once you're found out and your friends now hate you, the OM pretends you don't exist, your kids lose their friends and your husband divorces you. Your kids will be so disappointed in you.

 

Live authentically. If you're not happy, leave. If you refuse to leave then you need to accept the sacrifices .

 

I wish you the best

[BluesPower]

[]

 

I have cheated a lot, but the thing is that I have been a BS as well. So I have a little different perspective than most.

 

Look, if you guys are not going to get divorced, then you have to stop. Because I will promise you that you guys will get caught.

 

You two just have no idea how much pain you will cause your husband, who, lets face it, you really don't care about. Please don't protest that, if you cared about him in any way, you would have stopped or gotten divorced. Or how much his wife and all the children will be hurt WHEN you get caught.

 

Both of you have basically been cheating your whole marriage and before. Your marriages are a sham in ever way. I am betting that you don't have the courage to admit that one or more of your children are his, do you?

 

Please either stop now, or get a divorce ASAP and live an honest life. You are in for pain in either case, but at least your families will not have to deal with the pain they will have when you get caught.

 

Frankly, I would not be surprised if both spouses have some suspicions about the two of you. But since it has been going on since before you were married, maybe they don't know the difference.

 

You two have made some hugely stupid decisions, why not make a smart one now?

 

Good luck...

Edited November 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[missmetomorrow]

I can't respond to everything at the moment, but my kids are all my husbands. I'm sure there will be a few who say but how do you know.. Well basic science, timing and one other detail that would give to much information on me I'll leave out. They are all my husbands without question. He would also know that.

[BuddyX]

I do not condone it, but has an "open marriage" crossed your mind?

[missmetomorrow]

No open marriage. Neither his wife or my husband would be at all interested in that and I've never even had the desire once to be unfaithful with anyone else.

 

I realize it would be a huge bullet dodged if this really was the end.

 

I don't know yet what's going to happen. I'm not a pursuer. So if he doesn't contact me I won't contact him.

moving isn't even an option. My husbands job is here and only here.

There is no evidence. Neither of us have ever told anyone. I know there is some kind of comfort for some to think all that's bad will come out eventually, but not always.

 

I've had secrets a lot longer than this. Not this kind, I do understand how bad. All the threatening things said here I've already went over a million times in my head.

[BenchCoach]

So, you're saying that you've dragged you husband to counseling to try and repair your marriage, but have not told him of your infidelity? Explain to me how that works, exactly? YOUR STILL LYING!

 

Not only that, you're still romanticizing the affair and are still keeping it close to your heart. You're acting as if this OM was the "one who got away." Not only that, you say that your families are close... or at least socialize from time to time. How do you plan on keeping the all important NC rule? I'm sorry, but this sounds like a half-passed effort on your part. I call 'em how is see 'em

 

Without truth and honesty, there is nothing. Obviously, you are in love with this man and are just stringing along your husband until you fall back into the arms of this POS. Good luck with that.

[missmetomorrow]

So, you're saying that you've dragged you husband to counseling to try and repair your marriage, but have not told him of your infidelity? Explain to me how that works, exactly? YOUR STILL LYING!

 

Not only that, you're still romanticizing the affair and are still keeping it close to your heart. You're acting as if this OM was the "one who got away." Not only that, you say that your families are close... or at least socialize from time to time. How do you plan on keeping the all important NC rule? I'm sorry, but this sounds like a half-passed effort on your part. I call 'em how is see 'em

 

Without truth and honesty, there is nothing. Obviously, you are in love with this man and are just stringing along your husband until you fall back into the arms of this POS. Good luck with that.

 

I really appreciate you being blut. Didn't feel like judgment just truth I get it.

 

I wondered that. Could we really end it like that. After five years we bring up ending it and just say ok.

No bad feelings, not one bad memory.

I guess unrealistic. I feel a little numb about it today

 

There is a lot to talk about in counselling without bringing that up at all.

My husband had major control issues and anger issues that he admits to. I obviously have my own boundary issues but I am a good wife and mother for the most part. At least appeared to be. Friend too. If I could just move on maybe it could be ok.

I don't know I can but fully understand I need to.

[DKT3]

I'm confused, you say you never thought about cheating but you've been cheating your entire marriage...I'm not sure you truly understand what is going on. Oh and Eventually this will get bad, if I had to bet on it I would bet his wife will find out then boom.

 

I don't know you but you're clearly not a good wife.never have been since you got married to one man while sleeping with another

Edited November 3, 2016 by DKT3

[missmetomorrow]

I think I said in the first post I realize we are indirectly causing our spouses damage even though nobody knows.

 

Because of the situation he doesn't have to lie about not being intimate with her, he actually used to let on they were, she would tell me otherwise. And she wanted it and he wouldn't. I knew that was my fault made me feel very uncomfortable.

 

I know I also have mood swings just because it this. They are mild, so probably mostly noticed only by myself but still I understand there are signs even in secrets.

[BenchCoach]

Yes... just blunt. There was no other way to say what i was thinking. You didn't get defensive, and I appreciate that. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or make you out to be some kind of monster. Know that.

 

That being said, do you realize how ridiculous it sounds that you've entered counseling without giving full knowledge about something so pertinent to your relationship as an affair. I just doesn't make sense. You explain to us why it is you think you got into the affair in the first place- your husband's neglect. Now you say he has "control" and "anger" issues. Do you really want to stay married to such a person? Maybe you're staying for the kids... or for the type of lifestyle your marriage affords you. I might be able to understand you not telling him of your "indiscretion"(5 years worth), if you were divorcing. But to keep stringing him along like this... harboring feelings for your AP still. Not only that, how the hell are you supposed to keep NC???

 

 

I say again, this is a half-assed effort on your part. The real reason you don't want to admit your affair is because of the collateral damage it will cause... namely to you and your AP. You are in "self-protection" mode. Not only that, by not coming clean you will forever linger in "affair land" where unicorns exist and people fart out skittles- not REAL LIFE.

[ChickiePops]

No open marriage. Neither his wife or my husband would be at all interested in that and I've never even had the desire once to be unfaithful with anyone else.

 

I realize it would be a huge bullet dodged if this really was the end.

 

I don't know yet what's going to happen. I'm not a pursuer. So if he doesn't contact me I won't contact him.

moving isn't even an option. My husbands job is here and only here.

There is no evidence. Neither of us have ever told anyone. I know there is some kind of comfort for some to think all that's bad will come out eventually, but not always.

 

I've had secrets a lot longer than this. Not this kind, I do understand how bad. All the threatening things said here I've already went over a million times in my head.

 

You're aware that you can say no when the OM pursues you, right? You're not a passive entity, nor are you a victim. You are equally guilty whether you pursue or not.

[l8estnews]

I think I said in the first post I realize we are indirectly causing our spouses damage even though nobody knows.

 

Because of the situation he doesn't have to lie about not being intimate with her, he actually used to let on they were, she would tell me otherwise. And she wanted it and he wouldn't.

 

This is the best example of just how much you are taking away from her. You have the intimacy of both man. It's her marital right.

 

Ugh, messy.

[missmetomorrow]

I do not believe I ever blamed my husband for this. I said why we started counselling but he's a good guy. When I say anger issues and he's controlling that's true but doesn't define him as a whole.

 

I know these risks I've considered them all. I don't want to hurt anyone.

 

I'm asking is a clean break possible if we still see each other, had no DDay and still love one another.

[Birdies]

[i'm asking is a clean break possible if we still see each other, had no DDay and still love one another.

 

Anything is possible. You are a human being imbued with free will. Use it! You are not powerless in this situation. EVERY SINGLE decision you make to further your affair, or conversely to halt it before you blow your life to smithereens, is entirely your choice and is in your hands. You just have to decide that's what you want and need to do. Easier said than done, I know.

[DKT3]

I do not believe I ever blamed my husband for this. I said why we started counselling but he's a good guy. When I say anger issues and he's controlling that's true but doesn't define him as a whole.

 

I know these risks I've considered them all. I don't want to hurt anyone.

 

I'm asking is a clean break possible if we still see each other, had no DDay and still love one another.

 

No its not possible. If you had it in you then it would have never started, since you don't want to change the situation it wont. Until your single and MM is still married.